To Be or Not to Be

[Roxxannee]

Hi everyone! This is my first time doing an open blog discussion about my relationship. I am new to polyamory. I completely agree with it and can see why many people prefer it, but I am struggling with the decision if this polyamorous relationship is for me. I met my partner as mono almost 5 years ago. However, he was in a 6 year relationship already (didn't tell me) and also met someone else around that time and lied to us both for 3 of those years. Long story short, he couldn't keep lying and decided to let his 6 year relationship go and try to bring together myself and the other woman. We met about 2 years ago this April and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. We had great times, but when our partner was not there it was quiet. Our personalities are different as well: she is more punk rock and I am a more calm/hippie type. She is a great person, but suffers from depression/bi-polar and severe anger issues. In the year that I knew her she went to the psyche hospital twice because of our partners lies and my existence. They ruined furniture, doors, car windshields, you name it. It turned physical where she would try to put her hands on me and eventually resulted in our partner going to jail. He told me that he had nothing more to finish with her and that there relationship was over. I have caught them several times together behind my back and he just continues to lie. About a month ago, I found out he was lying again and has been speaking to that woman. She is in a lot better place, but I just don't see how this is healthy for me. 1st he lies and has lied our whole relationship. I thought true polyamory was embedded in trust and honesty, but his excuse is that he couldn't tell me because it violated my boundaries and he knew I would leave. 2nd, she is a great woman, but after all that has happened I don't have an interest to her past friends that never speak to each other. It seems like she is now trying to image me and has become more of a hippie type. I feel deeply connected to my partner, but this relationship just does not give polyamory the justice it deserves. I am currently separated from him completely. I guess I am writing to you guys in hopes that you can help me see something that I just can't. Is it worth trying again? Or am I just walking into more lies? Is this really polyamory or a man just trying to get his way?
Thank you in advance... I am at a loss.

 

[Emm]

... he couldn't tell me because it violated my boundaries and he knew I would leave.

And he considers deliberately transgressing what he knows to be your boundaries is fine so long as you don't notice he's done it?

Run. Don't walk.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am glad you are separated and done with this drama. Please STAY that way.

I am currently separated from him completely. I guess I am writing to you guys in hopes that you can help me see something that I just can't. Is it worth trying again? Or am I just walking into more lies? Is this really polyamory or a man just trying to get his way?

You seem to call it like it is and can see just fine.

This thing you had with this man was not ethical polyamory. This was him just getting his way. This is NOT worth trying again. It would be walking into more of his lies.

You seem to know it. You also seem to know this relationship is not healthy for you.

If what you need is validation? Then yes. I can validate this sounds like a big mess. Just reading it I was thinking "Good grief... I hope this doesn't have a horrible ending...oh, thank God! Roxxannee got away from the crazy mess!"

It's been a month since you learned he was lying again and possibly less time than that since you broke up and separated from him. It's fresh. It's ok to feel bad/sad/confused about it all. Even if wanted, even if best, breaking up usually feels ugh and you will experience feelings of loss. That's ok to feel. And I am sorry for your losses -- lost hope, lost trust, etc. But finish your grieving process so you can fully heal.

Knowing what you know now, do not sign up for more and go back. That would not be YOU taking good care of you and looking out for your well being. KEEP AWAY even if he tries to sweet talk you back into the mess.

1st he lies and has lied our whole relationship. I thought true polyamory was embedded in trust and honesty, but his excuse is that he couldn't tell me because it violated my boundaries and he knew I would leave.

So he lied and violated your boundaries. (Bad behaviors)

His excuse for his bad behaviors is that he did not tell you because he wanted to prevent you leaving... so he could keep on sucking you dry. (More bad behavior.)

How is this any of this awesome for you?

BELIEVE a person when they show you who they are. Do not sign up for more of this.

You have inherent dignity, worth and value. You deserve to be treated well. This person does not treat you well. So YOU treat yourself well and stay away from this person so you don't get dinged again.

I am sorry you had to deal in this. I hope you give yourself time to heal and feel better away from the drama.

Galagirl

 

[AutumnLeaves]

To reiterate:

Run. Don't walk.

Polyamory is at its heart an ethical arrangement. Nothing about your situation has been ethical. Don't look back. Spend some time to focus on YOU and recovering from the ride you've just stepped off.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Roxxannee,

Wow, that was a nasty dysfunctional situation you were in. "They ruined furniture, doors, car windshields, you name it." Yikes! You deserve better. Don't return to that guy, no matter how sweet he talks to you, no matter how much you miss him. Be strong and treat yourself like you'd want a cherished friend to do.

I hope you'll feel better soon.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.