To disengage, or not disengage?

N

Noyse

Member
I should preface this with I'm interested in a life long partner.

I've been having a rough week, so I was happy when my friend The Swinger started chatting with me. While catching up we both realized we're single. That got us talking about our long term goals for relationships. Looks like we are heading same direction, and our usual big deal breakers don't phase each other.

We made plans to hang out in person next week, and talk about this topic more. He's also mono, which I've never done before.

Later this week my rough patch bottomed out on the day I was supposed to hang out with my Friend with Benefits. We had some awesome communication about both being burnt out, and we needed the support to look like X. Luckily our styles matched, so I headed over.

I'm amazed how just being in a room with someone I trust mellows me out.

Anyway, he got his work done, got high, and we started bantering. At one point I joked about marrying him. It took him a moment to get it, and as I was explaining it was a joke, he exclaimed with the one pro he sees in marriage in a joyous fashion. I countered with how us getting married would throw a wrench into a life goal of his. He snapped back with a loophole.

I was dumbfound, he was being pro-marriage.

I would brush this off as drug fueled nonsense, but:


  • I had an ex who asked if I would ever marry him during pillow talk. I brushed that off, assuming that he was in a haze, and wouldn't remember that later. Two years later I learn that he very much had his wits about him, and it was a turning point in our relationship.

  • My Friend has a track record of stuff akin to this while high, and repeating himself a few months later while sober.

  • I get very loose lipped while high (like super deep dark secret stuff) and I have reason to believe he's the same.

It's given me alot to think about, more than I can sort through before I hang out with Swinger. I don't know what to tell Swinger about my current situation, he just knows I have "a FWB who is gonna break my heart in five years". It might be the trauma bonding talking, but I'm starting to think...me and Friend could reach a level of entanglement that would be fulfilling for the both of us.

I worry that starting something up with Swinger means ending things with Friend; but pinning my hopes on words of the intoxicated is its' own brand of dumb.

Insight welcome.
 
Well, the only insight I have is to talk about marriage only when sober not not hungover - otherwise it's a lot of sentiment that may or may not be sincere, but it's sentiment. Marriage necessitates many talks over a goodly period of time - and it's definitely not something that one person should be having to intuit about the other. Plain talking, sober discussions are all that count - and all that you want if a good marriage is what you're after.


Noyse said:
I don't know what to tell Swinger about my current situation.
Click to expand...
Tell him that FWB asked you to marry him while he was high. That pretty much says it all.
 
Hi Noyse,

There's really nothing specific for you to do at this point, just give it some time and thought, don't make any decisions quickly. Just so I am clear, the sequence of events is,

  • You and Swinger chatted. You have similar goals.
  • You and Friend (with benefits) hung out.
  • Friend got all pro-marriage while high.
  • You have plans to hang out with Swinger.
Is this what happened, in the right order? I just want to make sure.

I take it Friend didn't actually propose to you, he just hinted at it through a theoretical discussion about marriage. If that's true, then that's one more reason not to act on it quickly. Give it some time and thought. Go ahead and hang out with Swinger. See how that goes before deciding anything.

Those are my initial thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with the others.

Wait.

Hang out with Swinger if/when you want to, and with FWB if/when you want to.

You don't have to be making Life Decisions in a day, or a week or even a month.

It's ok to take your time because you have a lot to process. Taking time also allows you to see if new data will emerge.

Galagirl
 
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