Too new to this..

[Honeybits]

Hi everyone!
I'm new to poly relationships and in my search to gain more understanding, some insight and frame of reference I stumbled upon this site. I'm hoping I can get some advice from all the experienced folks here.

So....here's my story...
I have an amazing boyfriend M, who has been in poly relationships for many years. M has been open and honest with me from day one about his lifestyle. We were friends for about a year before we started dating and have become extremely close in a very short time. He told me he was into open relationships but we didn't go into too much detail about that as friends. Looking back now I assumed that he meant that he liked to play with others while still being in a relationship with one person, one person who held his love.

We spent all our time together getting to know each other, so it came as a surprise to me when M told me one night that he was going to see his 'friend' Z, the next weekend. I didn't react badly to this news simply because though I heard him I didn't truly know what that meant or how him spending time with her would make me feel. Now...I know I can be my own worse enemy at times..lol, but I wasn't ready for the feelings I would have about this friend.

M is very patient and tender with me, encourages me to talk to him about my feelings, to ask any questions I have. I've started reading Opening Up and I do ask questions. M reassures me that I am important in his life and loved, that what we have is what he wants long term; I always feel better after our talks. I just still have a hard time wrapping my head around everything. This is old hat to him and totally new to me and I know he does understand this. I feel that while I do have him to talk to, I only have his perspective. I don't have any friends that would understand this type of relationship.

I feel that at times I'd rather be silent about my feelings because I sound like a broken record to him or a kid who just doesn't want to share her toys. Sometimes I feel like I can do this and other times I want to run away...especially after his weekend with Z, I couldn't handle seeing marks she'd left on him. I know how this works in theory but in practice, in real life it's not so easy.

How did you deal with your feelings in your first poly relationship? It's ok to have these feelings isn't it? To know I'm loved and still not want to have him with anyone else? For him to choose to be with someone else and for me to choose to only be with him? Am I doing something wrong...I don't think I'll ever run out of questions..

Sorry for such a long post and I'm sure I may have left out something but I'd appreciate any words of wisdom. Thanks.

 

[MusicalRose]

How long have you and M been together?

When you got together, did he explain to you what he meant by open and what exactly he was looking for or what you could expect? Did the two of you set down any explicit agreements?

It is always okay to have feelings. Right now, it sounds like it might be a good idea to sit down and sort out what it is you want and need from a romantic relationship and figure out if M can provide that for you. If reading books is something that helps you, I highly recommend one that just came out a few days ago, called More Than Two. If you want to sample some of the author's ideas first, their blog is at morethantwo.com.

It's definitely possible for some couples to make a mono/poly dynamic work. There are a few people on this board who are doing it, but it isn't going to be easy and will require a lot of work on both of your parts to make sure the communication is strong and open and that needs are being met, on both sides.

 

[Marcus]

I didn't react badly to this news simply because though I heard him I didn't truly know what that meant or how him spending time with her would make me feel. M is very patient and tender with me, encourages me to talk to him about my feelings, to ask any questions I have.

I'm glad to hear that he is open with you and wants you to feel safe to express your feelings with him; that is a real advantage for your process.

When you two are referring to his "friend", are you comfortable with and clear about what exactly you are referring to? So long as you both understand that when he says he's going to stay with his friend that he might be talking about a golf buddy or that he might be having sex with this person 4 times per day (and everyone is perfectly ok with that) then so be it. Otherwise, I suggest moving your language to something that is a bit more concise so that you can better adjust your expectations.

Just something to consider.

I just still have a hard time wrapping my head around everything.

It's a new adventure and individual user experience may vary. Some folks just dive right in and feel like they are made for it, others have a bit of struggle and it takes a bit of time to adjust into a groove.

How did you deal with your feelings in your first poly relationship? It's ok to have these feelings isn't it?

I had a bit of jealousy. I talked about it with the girl I was dating. I owned the fact that my jealousy was my own.

You can do it.

 

[Honeybits]

Thanks for your input MusicalRose.
M and I have been together for 7 months and yes, we have talked about how things are...but it's still not real until it happens to you. Out of sight out of mind, we live our lives together and I don't think much about Z honestly until I know he will be spending time with her. I know that he cares for her and in my monogamous life that just wouldn't happen that he could be intimate with anyone else so my first reaction is to react the only way I know...

M has talked to me about past relationships in detail to give me some insight into how things have been. Things that were great and those that were not...how what he has experienced has shaped who he is now. He talks to me about Z and the place she has in his life. The fact that it's more caring bothers me than if it was just more physical in nature, as odd as that may seem.

We didn't set any agreements other than to always be safe, open and honest. Being so new I knew nothing about agreements, M and Z have been together for 2 years and I feel like I can't ask for rules on something established before me, even though I am in his daily life.

 

[Honeybits]

Marcus, thank you for your response.
I am very clear on how M and Z spend time together but I wouldn't say I'm comfortable. M does ask me what would help, do I want to know when he's with her..or not; what details if any I want. I can't answer that yet, I'll still brood over it.

M has done everything to make this process easier for me. To know that I still struggle with jealous thoughts or my place in his life pains him. I am very lucky to have someone who is very attuned to my feelings. It's been a much more open and honest experience than I have had in a monogamous relationship.

I do own my jealousy, I just don't know how to stop it. M wants me to meet Z and feels I'll be less threatened by her once I do and see that she doesn't want more from him then she already has....I don't want to, just don't think that would help.

 

[reflections]

I'm sorry that this has been hard for you. I can really relate to you about the difference between talking about it and it actually happening. My husband and I talked about poly for years, but it can be really difficult when you're faced with it for the first time. So the feelings you're having are completely normal. The one thing I can say about dealing with the jealousy is that time helps. I still struggle with jealousy - and usually it's a lot less when I'm feeling secure in his and my relationship. I also agree with other people's suggestions about figuring out what the emotions are. Check out this resource: http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/jealousy-first-aid . It helped me sort out some of the jealousy. I've also found tremendous support here on the forum, so kudos to you for sharing. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[Bluebird]

If marks bother you, it's ok to ask that he not get any while with Z.

 

[Janye]

Hi there, Honeybits!

You and I seem to be in somewhat similar situations; I am also a mono with a (much) more experienced partner...except he is married. He introduced me to poly, and it's been a pretty steep curve. The first time that I felt jealousy for his other partner was not a good time--I felt like shit until I could get it sorted. It sucks, and I fucking hate it when people say it to me, but it's so incredibly helpful to remember that emotions are temporary. They pass. Just keep saying that to yourself when you feel like you're going under. Lol I've made it something of a mantra and it helps.

M is very patient and tender with me, encourages me to talk to him about my feelings, to ask any questions I have. I've started reading Opening Up and I do ask questions.

Sounds like you two are doing it right. I'm being entirely serious--I've seen (and experienced) the struggle of not have open lines of communication, and dude, it is a bitch. There's no two ways about it. If your partner is encouraging and kind and willing to listen and respond appropriately then you are in a very good place right now. I hear you saying that you already know this--but I think that it's important to have that affirmed by someone else.

I just still have a hard time wrapping my head around everything. This is old hat to him and totally new to me and I know he does understand this.

If you're like me, poly is, quite literally, a whole new world (stole that right from Aladdin). I had no working framework for what poly was, what it entailed, and, most importantly, what the interaction with my partner and I would look like in this new context/space. I had no fucking clue. As a result, every bad feeling felt like an earthquake. Every tough day can feel like you're drowning. It's fine and it's normal. This is new to you. You can't expect yourself to have a prepared response to these things--so it's awesome that your bf is being so helpful, but you've got to remember to be kind to yourself, too. That'll help tons.

I feel that while I do have him to talk to, I only have his perspective. I don't have any friends that would understand this type of relationship.

Yeah. That can be obnoxious. My response has been to try to figure out different outlets for myself--one of those is this website. Another one has been talking to my non-poly friends. It may require giving more context and building from the beginning more often then I like, but at the end of the day--a relationship is a relationship is a relationship. Your friends have been in them and even if they don't understand, if you're lucky, they'll empathize. And I find that that's mostly enough until I can post to a board where folks who really "get it" can provide more advise that I can sink my teeth into. So, good on you for posting!

I feel that at times I'd rather be silent about my feelings because I sound like a broken record to him or a kid who just doesn't want to share her toys.

I'm guilty of this as well, and this is the simplest answer that I have for you. You've got to get over it, love. If your partner is telling you that he wants to be kept appraised of your feelings and the things that come up for you--you need to take him at face value. Done. It creates waaaves of miscommunication/unnecessary bullshit when I hold back from The Man. If it's really bothering you to keep bringing things up then make a point to do regular check-ins with him to make sure that it's not weighing on him. Otherwise, it's completely unfair to deny him the opportunity to help you and yourself the opportunity to have someone to lean on. It's a tough habit to break, but break it you must. Or at least until you get some friends that you can vent to.

How did you deal with your feelings in your first poly relationship?

A combination of a lot of things. I talked it out with my friends and my partner. I posted those messy emotions/situations on boards to get some outside perspective. I dove headfirst into literature on jealousy in polyamory (there's a good chapter on it in the book The Ethical Slut). I wrote it out. Mostly, you just have to figure out how to cope with those feelings and push through them. There's really no easy out for this. I tried shit that totally pushed me in the wrong direction, and I tried things that have really helped. You know yourself better than we do, and I bet that you already know how to work through other uncomfortable emotions in your life--this is no different. I picked up yoga again (which taught me some things about acknowledging emotions and challenges but not letting them rule you) and started (a shittly updated) blog. I started trusting my partner when he said that I could be messy and unhinged around him. Find what feels right and do it (and then do it again) and remember that these things pass.

Wine also helps. As does dancing....so there's also that.

 

[Honeybits]

Thank you Bluebird. I needed to hear that...I so often feel that I shouldn't say anything or make requests because she has been in the picture before me.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you Bluebird. I needed to hear that...I so often feel that I shouldn't say anything or make requests because she has been in the picture before me.

You're buying into the idea of "couple privilege." I have been on both ends of that. Basically, yes, she does have priority as far as time spent and experience with your bf and with poly. But you are just as valid a human being as her, with desires, and needs of your own. You have a right to state these and negotiate having your needs met. It's important to be respectful of all parties, of course, but no need to act like you're a second class citizen.

Only you can decide if you can get your relationship needs met in this relationship configuration, and you won't know that unless you define your emotions and needs, and state them!