Triad hopes and dreams

B

Boncat

New member
I'll try to keep this short, my partner (male) and I have been together 14 years. We had our first triad experience 11 years ago almost by accident (he randomly met and liked a girl, she liked him, he told her I'm bi, she decided to give it a go!). In the end she realised she wasn't bi so she left on good terms, I didn't mind him dating her but he didn't like me not being involved and she realised she wanted an exclusive monogamous relationship. After that, we decided if we ever got into poly again, an equal triad is what we would be after.


A few years later we met a bisexual girl, fell madly in love and she became our live in girlfriend for about 5 months. She quickly became an equal part of things and was in no way treated as secondary or less important. The relationship was great and the only reason it ended was because she was a Muslim and couldn't get over the issue of how to tell her parents she was in a relationship with non Muslims (this, rather than the triad, was the main issue - not sure they'd be happy with the triad either though of course but we hadn't even got that far).

Since that relationship ended, we have been hoping to find another like it but hoping for something longer term. My partner especially wants this, it is like his big life dream. For me, it's not something I have to have to be happy, but I know from experience I can be very happy in a triad arrangement.

The issue is that I'm now almost 6 months pregnant. We were in an "online dating" phase with 3 girls who were quite seriously interested in us, but on finding out about me being pregnant they've lost interest, except for one.

This one girl is very easy going (hence not seeming to mind about the pregnancy) but also quite passive, we don't meet up, chat or have much contact unless me/my partner initiate things. However, she does say she is interested in a serious relationship with us, but I feel it could just fizzle out if we don't keep persuing her.


I guess I'm after advice really, are we crazy to think we can have a serious triad relationship with a new baby on the way? I know I'll be pre-occupied with the baby (understatement!!), I'm even planning on sleeping in the baby's room for the first couple of months so I can breastfeed easily and so my partner can sleep (no point both of us being sleep deprived!). If we have a new girlfriend, I'm just not sure how she'll feel about it all. Not sure what I, as a sleep deprived new mum with a bit of baby weight to lose will have to offer her!
 
Personally, I would date both members of a couple separately, but I would never date "a couple," as in "both of us, or nothing, and we do everything together."

But even if I were the sort of bisexual woman who thinks dating a couple is a shortcut to the both of best worlds, no way I'd get involved with anyone about to have a baby. Neither of you will have time or energy to nurture new relationships, unless you're quite wealthy and can afford lots of childcare. I'd put meeting new women on the backburner for now if I were you, and keep it there for quite some time. You've got a kid to raise now, it's going to be your focus for many, many years.
 
I have to agree with LoveBunny, a baby is a big huge monkey wrench in your life and will probably push dating out of the question for both of you. Definitely for you, the mother.

This easygoing girl you're considering: I think you're lucky she's willing to get involved with you when a baby is on the way. If you want her, would it hurt you to pursue her? So she's passive. At least she's willing to try this with you as long as you're willing to take the initiative.

But don't expect a perfectly-balanced triad between three adults. It'll be more like a Y with the baby at the center. You'll scarcely have time to do anything romantic for the first few year's of the child's life. I don't mean to scare you, but you have to know that a newborn knows nothing except its own needs. And no one's going to tend to those needs except the two (three?) adults who are trying to pitch in with the parenting.

On the other hand, it could be a bonding experience for the three of you, which could grow into a lovely triad relationship as the years go by. It's hard to know how things would turn out if you adopted this passive woman into your family.

Sticking to the standard monogamous model for a few years would be simpler of course ...
 
My wife and I had a 38 year long triad with her best girlfriend after her g/f had a son and a few years later, after her g/f got married. Our triad survived a baby and husband so anything is possible when you are all deeply in love as we were. We never told anyone but out alternate lifestyle friends. My mom an dad are in their 80's and still do not know that my wife and I lived with another women for much of our marriage. It was funny how no one suspected anything despite having our g/f around, most times they visited and taking her on vacation with us. We just said that my wife and her were very close friends and left it at that. Nobodies business how we live our life. We never denied it but we never volunteered the information either.

We were not ashamed in any way as we always went out as a threesome and it was obvious that we were more than just friends. Just that my wife has no family but a sister as her parents died shortly after our marriage. My parents are old school marry for life and would not have understood and there was no reason for them to know. We visited them with our g/f and our g/f was often with us during holiday get-togethers. Back in the old days, no one would have even thought about a triad or that my wife is bisexual.
 
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