Triad, Mono/Poly, Lost and Confused

A

Ambermw522

New member
Hello All! This is my first post, ive been really having trouble finding a good forum and discussion group. Hope to find helpful advice and not negativity. Basically the story starts....my husband hid being poly-amorous from me basically he was scared i wouldn't have accepted him and he would lose me. We have been together almost 8 years now and i just found out recently. I initially found out through some old messages of him having an emotional relationship with someone else for several months before we married. After finding that out thats when he told me. He obviously feels awful and knows that he stole my consent by not telling me.

I have been processing everything for a little while, almost done reading More than Two, by Franklin Veaux, which has helped me ALOT, still coming to terms with how our life is about to change and has already changed. BUt before fully processing and reading this book, other things were happening. We started swinging with 2 of our best friends together, 2 couples in the bedroom. It was much fun, no vaginal intercourse other than with our spouses but did everything else. This went on for about 2 months maybe only 4 times. There was one time when it was just my husband and I and our female best friend lets call her Susie. That night we all 3 felt something while in the bedroom, something outside of just sex. We felt emotions. I was a little thrown off by those feelings as i never expected them.

2 weeks later Susie confessed her feelings for us and that she was poly. My husband told Susie he was poly as well. I on the other hand have always identified as monogamous so Im just like woahhhh whats happening. I admitted to my emotional feelings towards Susie, eventually we jumped into trying a triad relationship something i now know i wasnst FULLY ready for. I started reading this book More Than Two (recommended by a poly friend of mine) and was able to start processing more. But things were going so fast, my jealousy was a DEMON! I couldnt even pin point all of the jealousy other than it hurt deeply seeing my husband with another woman. He wasn't jealous with me being with Susie, it made him very happy. But i became a big ugly mess. Went into a depression, lost weight, it got to the point to where i said i dont know if i can do this, my husband said "we know" and that night they made the decision to part ways with Susie. Please note that this relationship lasted only 1 week. But Susie is our best friend and has been for many years. My husband and Susies relationship was starting to flourish as my mistake was focusing so much on them that i neglected my growth with Susie. The night that Susie and i expressed we were falling for each other was the night i saw Susie and my husband making out very aggressively in my kitchen. I went to the bathroom, cried to myself, then cried all night in my husbands arms, he comforted me, he was amazing. But they both hated seeing me hurt and miserable.

After the decision they were splitting my husband had a really hard time, he wanted to go see Susie one last time to get closure. I wanted to go as well as i had things i needed to say and express to Susie but he wanted to go alone as he didnt want me "over their shoulder". So i said ok and put my needs aside for his. He went over there didnt come home until almost midnight. Thats when my heart shattered. He told me they had slept together with out protection. He didnt even pull out. They have never even had sex before, and that was a boundary before when in the triad had all set to wait on as none of us especially me were ready for vaginal intercourse to take place yet. When he told me i screamed, cried in pain, threw things, i almost left. But i couldnt, i love him so much and we have a beautiful family and I want to work things out. My husband was ashamed, and had so much regret and guilt for what had happened. He said he didnt plan on that happening at all and that one thing just led to another and he was weak and not thinking. I do a complete shut out from Susie and he from her, we asked for space and time as we needed to work on some things between us, what happened felt like an ultimate betrayal but at the same time Susie was my best friend and we all have history.

I couldnt only stay quiet from her for 1 week before i broke the silence. I missed her :(. I love her. I care for her. But what my husband and Susie did hurt so bad and cut so deep. My husband sat me down the other night and said he loves Susie he wants to try to win her back he needs her. Although it hurt very badly to hear that i understood what he was saying, as i missed her and love her too. Admitting those feelings was something great for me. I decided to go see Susie the other night to talk. We discussed things that happened. Apologized how everything went wrong. How wrong we did things. How we all hurt each other in all different ways. I have been doing some soul searching to discover as to why my jealousy hurt the way it did. I felt like i was going to be abandoned, lost, lonely, loss. I explained that jealousy is my problem that i need to work out within my self. I also explained that i had no idea i could love outside of my marriage, i didnt think it was possible, and i didnt think it was possible for another person to love me again in that way. The conversation ended with us discussing giving this crazy idea another shot. We embraced held hands and kissed. Now i dont know what really is going to happen next as there is still alot of healing left to do.

I wanted to post this because i wanted to see if anyone else has had these type of experiences, im still in self discovery mode right now. I still feel a little confused, still working on trust with the both of them. I dont want to move forward until all of the relationships are healthier. I didnt even give all the details of the situation i feel i have written them down so many times in my journal. Let me know your thoughts.
 
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The giant wall of text is hard to read.

Paragraphs would be nice or the cliff notes version would work too.
 
Hello, welcome to the forum!

While you are still in the edit window (12 hours), would you please add some paragraphs to your text? This is very hard to read.
Also, consider using nicknames for you husband and the other woman, this also makes orientation easier.

Thank you, T.
 
I do not have much advise for you other than I understand how you feel.

Going through something similar myself so i understand the hurt and confusion.

I think try and build trust right now. Talk and keep talking out your feelings. Let them know what they can do to build that trust back up.
 
That's a lot of drama.

Can you please clarify if Susie currently has a partner?

My thinking is, it could work out with Susie if there is love and respect, but you all have to slow down to figure out your prefered relationship model.
Also, don't underestimate the cheating. Your partner has been sorry in words, but overall he's now getting what he wants (?). I think (though not an expert), that he should take on some consequences to earn your trust, such as NOT jumping into intercourse anytime soon again. Putting emphasis on much more honesty with you would also be a good step - after all he's in the habit of keeping his feelings hidden from you for years. Everything about this screams 'anxious' and 'enmeshed'. While you do the work to open up your mind to polyamory and figure out your jealousy hang-ups, he should do the work to become authentic and fully present in the relationship, to be a direct and honest communicator, and a man of his word.

Read up on NRE (new relationship energy). If you can't go no-contact for more than a week, you're in very deeply.
 
Yes Susie is married to my husband life long best friend John. We are all close friends from the start. Yeah i agree, this isnt something that we can jump back in right away. There is alot to work on.
 
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Oh boy... do I ever understand what you're going through, Amber. :( I can empathise with your pain, fear, confusion... and your hope. (And yes, from what I can tell, there appears to be hope for your situation.) :eek: :)

All these conflicting emotions are normal and natural under the circumstances, especially for someone who - like me - was a confirmed monogamist until relatively recently.

As you can see from my "signature", I am in a similar situation with my two co-primary partners, one male, one female, though in my case I'm the hinge in a long distance "V" (with some features of a triad). If you're interested you can read the full story in my blog, The Accidental Polyamorist - I'll put the link here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=91303


Coming out of a long-term marriage, I'd always assumed I could only love one person at a time, and had no desire to do otherwise. Moreover, I'd never had a relationship with another woman and really had very little interest in exploring my minimal bi leanings at the time I got involved with a close online male friend from another country (my partner Jester).

But as "they" say, never say never!

Unbeknownst to me, shortly after Jester and I began a relationship, I discovered he was already involved in a FWB situation with another close mutual (albeit, online) female friend - my now co-primary partner, Boho.

Unfortunately, he had NOT been up front and honest with me about this when I'd first sounded him out about pre-existing romantic/sexual involvements - in fact, neither of them had been - which as you can imagine, caused a LOT of angst, distrust and insecurity going forward.

Still, with some misgivings I decided to move forward with the relationship once Jester ended things with Boho. She was very hurt by his decision, but despite this was determined to remain in contact with him, and vice versa - which admittedly caused me some jealousy and insecurity. Meanwhile Boho blocked me, effectively putting an end to hers and my friendship for a number of months.

She and I eventually talked it out and started to become closer again, confiding in each other about all manner of things, around the same time Jester and I began to have problems due to unrelated issues (his drug use, and issues with communication and honesty). Long story short, Boho and I "fell into" a relationship of our own, with Jester's full knowledge and approval.

I travelled to their country and met with both... and slept with both... separately at first. At this point, Boho was pretty intent on us three developing into a triad. She was even willing to accept "secondary" status. However, I was having great emotional difficulties with many aspects of our arrangement: firstly, being "poly" wasn't sitting right with me... there were lingering trust issues with Jester... additionally, I wasn't sure if Boho was truly interested in ME, or was using our relationship as a way to reignite something between her and Jester.

During this time we engaged in an (abortive) threesome and - like you, Amber - I found it extremely difficult to handle seeing the two of them be physically intimate with each other. The morning after, I had a meltdown and the triad idea was shelved indefinitely. After a month, I returned to my country and continued both relationships... however it took many months, and many long painful discussions, to fully process the fall-out from that trip and sort through the resulting emotions.

Finally we three are in a stable place and I am planning to move overseas to live with my partners. Very soon, Boho and I will be spending a couple of weeks vacationing together and things are looking positive.

*****************

Likewise, I think the outlook for your relationship/s appears tentatively positive, Amber. However, you will ALL have a lot of emotional work to do before things settle. Clearly none of you are quite there yet.

As your experiences have already informed you, honesty and full disclosure is extremely important in ANY intimate relationship - but it's especially vital when it comes to polyamorous relationships as there are so many "moving parts" to consider.

Realise that going from mono to poly is a paradigm shift, intellectually AND emotionally. If it's not your "natural orientation", it's not going to happen in a day.

You already know that it's possible for you to feel love and physical attraction for more than one person at a time, even though this knowledge came as a shock at the time. Whether or not you've always known you were bisexual, you now know you can love another woman in a romantic sense (I assume this is how you feel for your best friend, though you didn't specify exactly in your OP).

Don't shy away from asking yourself - and your partner/s - the difficult questions (better to know the answers now rather than later):

- How do you plan on healing from the broken trust and betrayal you've experienced? (Individually, you/husband, and you/husband/Susie)

There are many articles and resources online that deal with repairing trust after an affair, for example. And although this ISN'T an "affair", there are enough similarities in your situation to warrant doing similar repair work. Counselling is always an option as well.

- How do you plan on tackling the awkward subject of already-broken agreements/boundaries? (Mainly referring to the incident in which your husband and friend went ahead and had full PIV without protection here.)

Each of you may really have to consider your own boundaries, soft and hard limits, how these are going to be communicated, and what the consequences might be if they're ever broken.

- What about safe sex practices and testing? Contraception? Fluid bonding? These all need to be discussed, negotiated, and periodically renegotiated BEFORE the horse has bolted.

- What if it transpires that, although Susie may have some romantic feelings for you, she's not truly interested in having an ongoing intimate relationship with you, or is more obviously interested in your husband only?
Do you think you'd ever be able to handle or consent to a "V" type arrangement, with your husband as hinge and you and Susie as his partners?

- What happens if it goes the opposite way and you and Susie fall madly in love and your husband ends up feeling jealous, resentful or left out? How would you handle that situation?

- If you do decide a triad might work, how will you approach it logistically? Will Susie move in with you and hubby? This will depend on many factors of course, such as if she has another partner, children, proximity to her workplace etc.

- What if ONE of you decides it's not working out... after you've already begun to mesh lives... but the others want to continue? Does anyone get the option to "veto"? If so, who and under what circumstances?

*****************

These are all rhetorical questions in the context of this post, however IF you three decide to go ahead, they're all legitimate questions you ought to seriously consider before becoming too involved. I only wish I'd known more about polyamory prior to "accidentally" finding myself in such a relationship. Good luck.
 
Clarification:

I posted my reply before I saw the couple of responses just above mine... so I missed the part about Susie being married to your husband's good friend.

Does this friend (John?) KNOW about what's been going on between you three? Does he consent to it? IF not, that's yet another layer that'll need unravelling.
 
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Yes, John is fully aware he actually encourages it. But in the process i believe he has started having feelings for me in which im not interested and have voiced it, made things a little weird for me.
 
While you want to work on forgiveness and going forward; I just need to point out ONE thing.

When your husband went to Susie's house for "closure," he knew EXACTLY what was going to happen. His penis just didn't accidentally fall into her vagina, to be perfectly blunt about it.

You need to have your eyes open during all of this. Don't let only your feelings drive you. Love doesn't make everything okay.
 
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I understand how it may seem that way or look that way but i truly believe that it was not planned at all, he was leaving a relationship for her for me, and she was leaving it for me as well due to them seeing me hurt over the jealousy and not being ready, obviously they were both emotionally upset, emotions did take over. Although it hurts as deep as it does, and they were reckless, they weren't thinking about anyone but themselves in that very moment which also hurts. I know it sounds cliche for me to sort of defending him in this aspect of things but things don't always go as you plan them to. They are both paying for the consequences and rebuild is in process.
 
Things do happen. Bad decisions are made sometimes. That does not make for a bad person. Just a bad decision.

What happens after is what matters. Not saying what they did wasnt wrong but things do happen. Emotions are strong and sometimes people do stupid stuff.
 
While the OP's husband may not be a "bad" person, he certainly is self-delusional.

He can tell himself all he wants that unprotected intercourse with Susie wasn't "planned" and that it "just happened." That's just not true and, as long as he cops to not being in control of what he does, he isn't going to change. This isn't the first time he has betrayed trust.

Being successful in any relationship, including the most important one, the one you have with yourself, means that you must be able to subject yourself to ruthless self examination. Knowing that you have deliberately helped set in motion every consensual act you have participated in instead of blaming fate should be empowering. You have control over your own actions, things don't just happen of their own accord.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. :(

I don't really know what to say. This is just too many things too fast for me. If it were me? I would STOP so I can get a chance to get my bearings. Just reading it all feels dizzying.

In a short amount of time?

You found out your partner did lies of omission.
  • He had an emotional affair.
  • He hid his poly self.
He did not consider you -- instead "stole your consent."

While still getting over that and debating changing to a poly model, you guys starting swinging with two friends, Susie and John. That stirred up a lot of feelings.

Kept on sharing casual sex with Susie, then romantic feelings developed. Susie says she's poly, partner says he's poly, you say "Wait up!" because you only agreed to casual sex/swinging. You did not agree to practice poly with these people. So more feelings stirred up.

You jumped into a poly triad even though not really prepared. It was a mess for you, they decided to break up rather than cause you pain going in this too fast way. But nope. Instead of breaking up, he and Susie have unprotected sex -- another agreement broken.

Now partner wants to keep going with Susie rather than really break up.
​

Are people rushing you to "kiss and make up?" It's almost sounds like you are being railroaded into stuff you aren't sure you really wanted/want yet or are ready for.

While I'm glad you have all apologized? To me that is only the first step. There must be apology, making amends, forgiveness. And then I can decide if (we're square and we part on good terms) or if I want to (start a whole NEW relationship with the person).

Right now he seems to break a lot of agreements. How about not making any more new agreements with him at this time And NOT trusting him to keep his Word right now? Take a BREAK, let some of the feelings calm down.

I dont want to move forward until all of the relationships are healthier.
Click to expand...

If that is what you want? STOP.

Exercise some self control. Apologies are fine, but DON'T leap back into everyone dating/triad-ing. Be broken up for a while and focus on healing. Give yourself the time and space you didn't give yourself before. Slow things DOWN.


It may be that you want to poly in the end... but maybe not with these people who seem to go about things haphazardly and ding you a lot.

If your partner, and/or Susie have poor impulse control? Keep things hidden, make poor choices.... it's just flat out going to be hard to just trust them at their Word, trust them to exercise self control, trust them be more transparent, trust them make different choices. So far the track record has been "too much too fast too wonky" with a result of you getting dinged.

I get that there's attraction and some sex chemistry here... but I'm not hearing trust, respect, honesty, care, consideration, etc are really strong here.

In those shoes? I would just be ok not trusting fully right now. I would ask them for new behaviors. Then wait for them to demonstrate the new/improved behavior. Not just once or twice. But CONSISTENTLY. They haven't shown themselves to be trustworthy so far so part of making amends and getting to the place of "starting a new triad from a clean slate" would be scrubbing the old one off.

Give it the time and space it needs to build toward that more slowly. Trust a little bit. See if they deliver. Then trust a bit more. See if they deliver that. Build the trust back up bit by bit. Not just blindly trust with gates wide open.

I would also work on creating stability for myself. NOT participate in a triad with them just yet. NOT make new triad agreements. NOT expect them to be people of their Word right now. Then if new shenanigans happen, at least I'm not surprised/upset that here comes another thing broken.

Instead? I would figure out how *I* feel about poly, and what kind of people I want to be doing poly with. Develop a personal standard for that first. Then see who does/does not make the cut.

If neither one is willing to slow things down? Neither one meets your personal standard for what you want in a partner? Neither makes the cut? Maybe it's best to just remain Closed or go for single so you can be free of shenanigans.

Take a time out. Make requests, then observe what new behaviors happen. Decide if things really are changing or if it's just same ol' song, different day.

Galagirl
 
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I'm not seeing polyamory.

The difference between polyamory & generalized nonmonogamy is all the requirements & detail. For instance, per Wikipedia --
  • fidelity & loyalty
  • communication & negotiation
  • trust, honesty, dignity, & respect
  • boundaries & agreements
  • gender equality
  • non-possessiveness
The relationship presented is struggling with 1 through 4. The people involved are unwilling to or maybe incapable of facing the problems directly, taking responsibility, & negotiating change.

Just because someone says "I"m poly now!!" doesn't mean they have the first small clue as to what they're talking about. The IDEA might be interesting, even desirable... but that says nothing about having achieved it.

Actually being polyamorous REQUIRES working on the items in that list -- & more -- constantly. Mistakes will happen, & then corrections are undertaken; even if there's no perfection, it's the never-ending improvement that makes it polyamory.
 
That’s a really tough situation.

For trust to build again, I think you all should focus on being trustworthy with the situation “H screwed up- Susie too- and now we have some repair work to do.” Can he - and you and Suzie- do the prepar work, in a way that lets you feel valuable? Their actions left you vulnerable. Are they taking responsibility for that- and for the emotional labor that is resulting?

Being poly means managing multiple people’s feelings well. You can develop trust this can happen right now- no need to open up again.

If he can’t remain faithful to your relationship while dating Susie— if he is unable to hold the question “what is good for everyone” in mind while alone with her and not in your presence- , maybe he can learn to be faithful (invest in the relationship, value it and you) not dating Susie.

He may not be able to. He didn’t before, even before Susie. He may cheat in big ways or small, still. He seems to do that.

But it’s going to hurt a lot less to find that out if you aren’t throwing unearned trust out in a way that makes you vulnerable, which opening ip does.

Also. Has HE read more than two? Just because he claims older poly doean’t mean he’a better at it than you.
 
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The truth is I wasn't ready when I thought I was I didn't full grasp everything. I had a hand in this too.
He claims poly since he was 16 but failed to tell me for selfish reasons that's something we are working on. When the relationship presented itself we jumped in unprepared especially me. My feelings were neglected, I felt my self push Susie away because of my jealousy and him for the pain. I'm willing to work on rebuilding trust I love them both boundaries were just recklessly crossed in a bad way. We are taking things slow. Idk what will come of all of this in the future but trying to keep a positive outlook they are talking a little but aren't seeing each other right now. We planned to all get together in a month to talk. I went out with her last night and we got to talk.

They both do want to earn my trust back and are showing that to me daily. Yes this will take some time but the connections between the 3 of us are strong and just trying to figure out how to build a healthy relationship between all of us and individually. Everyone messed up one way or another. They tried backing out before it even started and I pushed and insisted going forward and I should have had better judgement in knowing I wasn't ready.
 
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Until he gets HIS metaphoric shit together, he is harem-building at best, maybe wing-walking.

How will he feel if you or her get interested in someone else in addition to him?

And how will you & her feel when he gets interested in a third wife?
 
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