Triad, Mono/Poly, Lost and Confused

And where does all this leave Susie's husband - who WAS involved in the initial swinging situation between you four, and has developed some level of feelings for you, Amber (which you don't reciprocate) - since he must be aware both you and your husband are interested in Susie, but not him?

I'm not saying you can magically feel loving feelings towards someone who leaves you cold, nor should you try. However, I can see this becoming a bigger issue over time if he's left feeling like an unwanted fourth wheel and resentment starts to build.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Until he gets HIS metaphoric shit together, he is harem-building at best, maybe wing-walking.
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Out of curiosity, Ravenscroft, what do you mean by "wing-walking"? Google wasn't helpful. :rolleyes::eek:
 
Susies husband was all for the 3 of us to get together, his wifes feelings were strong towards us and he says enjoys seeing her happy. He just wants everyone happy, but i do worry about his own happiness as he is our friend and i agree i worry or future resentment on his part.
 
lunabunny said:
what do you mean by "wing-walking"?
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Fair enough. :)

The #1 rule of wing-walking:
Never let go of something until you've got hold of something else.
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In the current context, there are people who will use "poly" as an excuse to transition from one monogamous relationship to another monogamous relationship, without anyone actually having to BE poly.

(A variant is "whoops -- now I'm bi!! whoops -- now I'm not!!" :rolleyes:)
 
Ravenscroft said:
Never let go of something until you've got hold of something else.

In the current context, there are people who will use "poly" as an excuse to transition from one monogamous relationship to another monogamous relationship, without anyone actually having to BE poly.

(A variant is "whoops -- now I'm bi!! whoops -- now I'm not!!" :rolleyes:)
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Gotcha.

Thanks for explaining. Plenty of people who claim to be mono seem to wing-walk as well (i.e. won't drop one relationship until another is on the horizon) - usually out of a fear of being alone, though I guess a fear of enforced celibacy might be another incentive.

While I'm not sure this particular group of people, or any one person amongst them, are "guilty" of pre-meditatively acting with unethical/malicious intentions, I do agree that there doesn't seem to be much evidence of any well-considered, conscious planning involved.

All of them are bouncing around from swinging, to claims of long-undisclosed poly tendencies, to emotional affairs, to broken agreements to sudden, revelatory bisexual feelings emerging.

Frankly, it's a little bit of a mess. I'd strongly advise Amber and Co. to STOP and really THINK about what they're doing... and WHO each of them truly wish to be with, before moving forward.

Amber, there IS a way to move forward sanely and ethically, if you decide this is what you (and the others concerned) really want, but it will involve everyone getting super honest with themselves and each other, first, and putting in the work before any more moves or decisions are made.
 
Re (from Ambermw522):
"I explained that jealousy is my problem that I need to work out within myself."
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This was a huge admission on your part, and critical to how things should be tackled going forward. You are in essence asking them to guide their actions without making special concessions for your jealousy. You are volunteering to handle that part of the situation. And it is certainly your right to do that, you know where your jealous feelings are coming from better than anyone else does. The question then becomes, what is the root cause of your jealous feelings? What kind of emotion is it? Is it fear? resentment? revulsion? What are you afraid might happen? if anything? What will you do if the worst of your fears comes to pass?

Some links that might help ...

Also there are a couple of books,
  • "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
  • "Polyamory and Jealousy: a More than Two essentials guide," by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux.
You can use these things to help you explore the jealousy, and find out what's really at its root. I hope it helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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