Triads? Advice?

[franchescasc]

I've posted only a couple of times, but you can find my intro here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40446

So, an update. Things have been slow-going for MD and me. We have spent lots of time together, but without much physical activity, and on a very solid friend basis for the past month. But we were never really alone, and I guess the opportunity just didn't present itself, with kids and her mom around most of the time. I definitely felt a difference, and I was really worried something was wrong, even though she assured me she would tell me, and told me to stop worrying. So, I took it a day at a time, and stopped trying to read things into our conversations. Sitting with my uncomfortable feelings and not judging them helped me get through them faster.

Well, this past week has been amazing. We have been flirting like crazy, and had a chance to spend time after a work party with together with my hubby FJ. We all had a great time, and it was obvious to me that they were attracted to each other. After lots of talking after that night, MD came over on Saturday. One thing led to another, and the three of us played together. It was so amazing. Honestly, I was the most comfortable with the whole thing. FJ was nervous, as he has never been with another woman. MD was nervous because she wanted to make sure I was really comfortable with the whole thing.

But, minor jitters aside, we had a great time. FJ & MD kissed and touched, and I experienced some serious compersion. Everyone still feels great about it. FJ is quick to say he needs time to hang out and get to know MD better....he's def not a frivolous sex kinda guy. He has to care about someone on a much deeper level. MD enjoyed it too, and has expressed that she wants to do it again, but she wants it to be the three of us, not him and her solo.

I spent the night with MD last night, and it was seriously the most magical night we've ever spent together. I know it's NRE all over again, and I'm loving every minute of it. There just aren't words to describe how it is being together. We've talked about how it felt different from the other times we've been together. It feels like a new level, like we aren't holding anything back from each other.

Things are great with FJ and me. He's happy with everything, now that I'm being more careful to be attentive to my responsibilities at home. He is so great, and loves seeing us both happy and loved. He has a real soft spot for MD because of the way her ex treated her. We are all on the same page right now, lots of communicating going on.

So, all of that to say, I hear horror stories about triads. Are we blind to something? Is there anything about this situation that screams out to any of you that I may not see? The last thing I want is to go down a road we will regret, or where someone gets hurt. Thoughts? Words of advice?

 

[BSP83]

I just read your intro and your situation is very similar to mine. I too worry about the pitfalls and the things that we might not see coming. But I think as long as you continue to communicate, things can work out. Is your GF feeling any better as far as her concerns about coming between you and your husband? Mine struggles with that, no matter how much reassurance we give her that she has a place with us.

I've started spending weekends at her house and I love love love it! I can't get enough time with her! It's amazing to be able to spend the whole night with her, and it's something I very much look forward to every week. I feel like the NRE is starting to wear off between us, but the weekends we have are still incredible.

When the three of us are together, I feel full of compersion and love. It's truly amazing. They get their alone time together, as well (in fact, our families are going to dinner tonight, then P is going over there for some time) and I'm enjoying seeing their relationship grow.

I have no advice for you other than to keep talking... and talking... and talking! I'm looking forward to more posts from you. Your story is definitely one I'll be watching, since it's close to mine.

 

[GalaGirl]

It will unfold how it will. I'm glad things are going well for you right now.

Keep communicating along the way. Decide how you want to treat each other and make your agreements/personal standard. Once they've been made, stick to the agreements and treat each other respectfully.

Remember, one triad is really three Vs happening all at the same time. Time management can get sticky. Be generous with each other's time, be flexible, and ready to meet the changes, challenges, etc., that life will bring your way.

You could talk about how you want to break up and be to each other as exes, should that come to pass. Hopefully it won't ever be needed, but if it is, you'll have sorted it out now, when things are good, rather than dealing with trying to sort it out when things are feeling crazy. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

I hear horror stories about triads. Are we blind to something? Is there anything about this situation that screams out to any of you that I may not see? The last thing I want is to go down a road we will regret, or where someone gets hurt.

I would say to be prepared for imbalance; know that it is coming and that this is just the way human relationships work. When everything is great it'll seem like everyone has cake and is eating the hell out of it too, when it's not so great it might seem like you're in the desert with a mouth full of sand.

Individuals are going to change with time (and not necessarily a lot of time) and it is unlikely pairs or triads are going to miraculously change at the exact same complementary trajectory. One person is going to be more "into" the other than is reciprocated. One person is going to have lots of work, hobby, and friend engagements and the other is likely to feel a little left out. When three people are trying to equally balance their interest, time, affection, and intimacy, this reality would seem to be compounded.

As with a two-person pair, it's important for everyone to keep in mind how much responsibility they are putting on the other for their own sense of happiness. Hopefully everyone has things to do that don't involve the other: friends or interests which do not depend on the other to enjoy. When it's good, enjoy the crap out of it. When the attention doesn't seem to be coming your way, remember that they aren't responsible for your happiness, and take responsibility for it yourself. Remember that a "relationship" isn't a thing, it's just a word used to describe two or more *individuals* sharing themselves, to whatever degree, for a period of time.

 

[franchescasc]

Craziness

Since the first time we all were together, we have have now been all three together three times. In between, MD & I have been together solo three more times, seeing each other on lunch breaks, etc. And when we haven't been physically together, we've been texting non-stop.

Obviously, that's a lot of activity in a week and a half, and probably not the healthiest way to be. But I was caught up in the intensity of it, as were FJ and MD. I think last night I hit a wall. I suddenly went from having complete compersion for the two of them, to having mixed feelings about the whole thing. I wouldn't identify it as jealousy, but I'm uncomfortable suddenly. I've encouraged this the whole time. I honestly was okay with it, and in my mind I am, too. I am still sorting this out, trying to work through my feelings and untangle them.

I am going to start another thread with more of an explanation of last night. Hopefully it will help sort my feelings out.