Trinogamy - any successful Gay triads with advice?

[Nordic]

I see on the forums a lot of posts about polyamory where it is one person having intimate relationships with more than one person, but they do not have the same level of intimacy with one another, or at least not sexually.

I am entering into a triad where all three of us are intimate, sometimes all together. Is this something uncommon in the poly world in general, or perhaps just more common in the LGBTQ community?

I am struggling to find perspectives of someone coming into an established and healthy relationship, who is new to the poly world in action, if not thought.
We are in the process of developing the emotional connections first, (I have known and had a sex life with one of my boyfriends in the past, so we know there is amazing chemistry there).

Any do's or don'ts or advice for someone who is not already a part of the stable relationship? I am falling for both them thanks to carefully planned outings and dates, and the feeling is so wonderful, but scary at the same time.

When does the other shoe drop?

 

[Marcus]

Is this something uncommon in the poly world in general

Closed triads are commonly attempted but seem to have a rocky track record because people so frequently go at it ass-backwards. There are a couple of closed triads on here (I believe) who have had great success, but they basically found themselves in a triad situation and then labeled it as such after the fact. The triads which seem to hit drama bombs early and often are the ones who decide a triad structure is what they want and then try to jam a partner into the newly opened slot... backwards.

Any do's or don'ts or advice for someone who is not already a part of the stable relationship?

Don't force a closed triad, would be the simplest advice I could think to give. Let the people involved in your relationship(s) determine how they want to relate based on how they related - not based on the predetermined relationship structure and trying to jam a human into the afore mentioned open slot.

There are some built in issues with forcing a closed triad (and, in my opinion, the closed triad structure in general). The main issue comes down to a matter of unrealistic expectations. People who are, for better or worse, in love with the closed triad structure tend to imagine a romantically "equal" association, where everyone is hot for everyone else as well as ignoring what is often the very real presence of couple privilege. The odds are frighteningly high that the three points on the triad won't be "equal", so I suggest letting go of that expectation right out of the gate.

The "closed" aspect of the closed triad is a big part of this idea that everyone needs to be equal partners who are equally hot for each other and that this will remain a near perfect constant for the life of the relationship. It's a very unlikely guarantee when monogamous pairs make these rules so three people magically achieving and maintaining this balance becomes even less likely.

 

[Nordic]

Very insightful, and I think in general you are right.
Part of the issue that makes this perhaps unique is that one of them and I had a romantic history prior to their union, and if not for a professional relocation we very possibly would be married today.

And if I didn't like R so dang much I wouldn't go for this as a serious option, even with the unusual circumstances. But we are discovering that our shared love for C is actually something we love about each other.

C is 53
R is 29
And I am 42

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Nordic,

Re (from OP):

"I am entering into a triad where all three of us are intimate, sometimes all together. Is this something uncommon in the poly world in general, or perhaps just more common in the LGBTQ community?"

Oh I don't think it's uncommon, in or out of LGBTQ circles.

Re:

"Any do's or don'ts or advice for someone who is not already a part of the stable relationship?"

Just that it is normal to feel like "the fifth wheel" for the first few years with them. They already have a developed rapport with each other and memories they have built together. You will need some time to build up that much familiarity with them.

Re:

"When does the other shoe drop?"

I don't know.

There's a saying going around: "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." Depending how much stock you put in that saying, it might give you an approximate idea of what to expect. I guess I found it to be somewhat true in my V.

It's true that pre-planned closed triads often collide with nixed expectations, but that doesn't mean they all fail. So far it sounds like yours is going pretty well (though who knows what the future holds).

I hope that helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.