Trouble closing a poly relationship

[Scientist831]

Hey everyone,

Tl;dr: how to respectfully end things with new lover? Also, how to negotiate re-opening a now closed relationship?

My partner (Let's call her Angela) and I have been together 7months. On our first date, I let her know I identify as polyamorous and was not seeking an exclusive relationship. She had no experience with polyamory/open relationships, but was aware of the concept and had seen successful examples among her friend group. Our relationship accelerated very quickly, and by 3months we agreed the term "girlfriends" applied. At this point we both had taken lovers, she resumed sleeping with her ex boyfriend, and I started casually dating a girl I met at a bar (X for short). X and I lasted about 6weeks, after which we parted ways amicably when she had a sudden relocation out of state. Angela was uncomfortable with X, but we worked through it and have been able to work through my discomfort around her choosing her ex boyfriend as a lover (they've been seeing each other 5 of our 7 months together).

Recently, I've become enamored with a girl I play basketball with (call her Zoe). I invited her to hang out outside of practice a few times and have been texting her trying to get a feel for whether she likes girls and/or is interested in me, and after our 2nd "hang out" the texts became flirtier. Zoe knows I have a girlfriend, and that we're poly. Unfortunately, after X, Angela decided she didn't want know if I'm seeing anyone else, the "ignorance is bliss" model, which is not something I've ever done as I feel omission is deceitful, but agreed to in the hopes that after bolstering her confidence in our relationship, hearing about other lovers would become less challenging. This meant I didn't tell her I was attracted to my teammate, and when I asked permission to text Zoe while Angela and I were together (it's important to Angela that I'm not on my phone while we're together, so when I feel compelled to respond to a text/call I check with her first), I described her as "a friend", which at the time felt true as we had only hung out once and I didn't even know if she liked girls.

At this point, Zoe and I have had one lovely date, that resulted in some PG-13 make out etc activity. Angela found out I was on a date because she called me while I was out to dinner with Zoe asking me to come over, and when I couldn't give her a definitive timeline of when I would be over I told her that I expected to be free in 1.5hrs but couldn't be sure since I was on a date with Zoe and we just sat down to dinner. She sounded frustrated on the phone but I didn't think much of it. I called Angela exactly 1.5hrs after we talked last and went over to find her curled up in a ball hysterically crying. She explained that she suffers from seasons depression (something I didn't know) and that she needs stability right now and can't handle the thought of me being with someone else, especially someone I "lied" about being a friend. She gave me the ultimatum I never want to hear, monogamy or bust. I felt trapped, not wanting to give up my relationship of several months over someone I've only had one date with, but also feeling like I've been clear about what I wanted from the get go, and pretty shocked at her disregard for her boy's feelings, for Zoe's feelings, and for mine. I feel like it's a dick move to end things with Angela when she's going through a mental health crisis. So I agreed to monogamy, but I feel like I was coerced into an arrangement I dont want, and I feel really uncomfortable with that.

Angela thinks we can readdress opening our relationship when her mood improves in the spring, and she just got prescribed SRIs to help with her depression. I'm hopeful that after the stress of the holidays and after her body has acclimated to her new medication, we can readdress a non-monogamous relationship as early as January... But I feel like I'm chomping at the bit here.. Any advice on how to bring up re-opening a closed relationship? How long do I have to wait before saying I gave it the old college try?

I'm also unsure of how to proceed with Zoe, I'm the first girl she's ever been into/done anything with, so I don't want to crush her by ending things so abruptly. We're also still on a basketball team together, so I want to end things in a way that is least likely to disrupt team dynamics. How do I explain to Zoe that we can't see each other right now, but that I like her and hope we can try again later?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Scientist831,

I guess my initial advice is, keep it simple; tell Zoe, "We can't see each other right now, but I like you and hope we can try again later." Dressing it up with sweet language would actually be disrespectful.

It seems to me that Angela is keeping you at the end of a short leash. The way she's got it set up right now, you'll have to break up with any outside partner/s every time winter approaches. And I suspect she'll do more, that every time you start dating someone (whatever the season), she'll come up with some reason why she needs you to break up with them.

I could be wrong of course. But I would be wary of Angela's behavior going forward. You can ask her at any time to reopen, and again I would keep it simple: "I was wondering if we could talk about reopening." But I worry that no method, simple or elaborate, will convince her, and that it won't matter how long you wait. Even if she agrees to reopen, I think she will change her mind when the rubber meets the road.

Personally I would end it with Angela right now. Any amount of time you give her is plenty. Don't get caught up in a sunk costs fallacy, "But we've been together so long, I couldn't possibly end it now." Things with her are likely to only get worse as time goes on. With that in mind, I don't have a specific length of wait to recommend to you. You wait as long as you can wait, and stop waiting as soon as you can't stand to wait anymore. Only you can figure out how long that is.

Sorry to be so cold about her; I hope I'm wrong.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Nadya]

Agree with Kevin's advice. I would also end things with Angela now.

You were clear and honest with her that you want the relationship shape to be poly. She agreed. Now she has changed the rules twice - first the DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell). You agreed and went through with it. She actually broke that rule by asking! With a DADT rule in place she should not have asked, she should have been okay with your first response of not being able to come over right away. She kept on asking - so she broke her own rule!

You did not lie to her about Zoe. Also, at the first incident - she broke her own rule by asking! If she truly would not want to know, she should not ask. So, at that time you truthfully answered you were texting with a friend. By the second time the friendship had evolved to something else and you were again honest when asked.

Now Angela is wanting monogamy with you because of her depression - that obviously comes every winter. She did not inform you about it before it hit her, even though she knew it was coming. All in all, Angela does not sound like a honest nor stable person.

I think you did a hasty decision to promise monogamy with her. Sounds like it was not a fair situation and you did not think to ask for some time to process. It was an emergency and you did what you could to get over with it. Now, if you truly give in with Angela and stay monogamous with her, she knows she has a grip on you and can dictate your life. There might not be a realistic possibility to reopen ever again without her vetoing your every attempt of a relationship.

This was probably not what you wanted to hear. I might be wrong. But, based on the description you gave these are my thoughts.

ETA: In my books, a relationship that has lasted for 7 months is still a new one. You are in the beginning stages to get to know each other. It would be a different story if it was 7 years.

 

[FallenAngelina]

To paint Angela as dishonest and unstable is a bit harsh, but I agree that this sounds like a huge mismatch. Both Angela and you, Scientist, have been contorting yourselves into people that you're not in order to be together. You both seem to be doing the best that you can, given the enormous difference in relationship preference. Angela clearly is drawn to you and was willing to give poly a try because of that, but poly really freaks her out, as it does most people! She's not being dishonest at all and in fact seems pretty open about the fact that this poly relationship is incredibly painful. I'm sure there's a lot of love between you, but there's a lot of anguish, as well, and this is very telling. You don't forge a good relationship by diminishing yourselves in efforts to keep the peace. This includes turning away from other relationships that have a more natural and easier flow. We are all taught to worship at the alter of "working at a relationship," but in my experience, it's a complete myth that a good relationship is one you need to "work on." A good relationship should feel pretty easy - and usually right from the start. (Again, just my experience.)

There's no bad guy here, and no one is at fault. There are just two people who have found love in another who is very different. I don't have a recipe for going forward and I won't say that you can't have a life together, but I will say that the only way forward to a harmonious future is not through fault finding, but through generosity of spirit. Angela seems like she truly is being honest and trying to tell you that poly just simply breaks her heart. Can you be honest enough to listen?

 

[Tinwen]

I think you did a hasty decision to promise monogamy with her.

This. If polyamory is what you are convinced off, I don't think you should give in.
Depression surely is helped by stability, but isn't helped by sweeping things under the rug.
You can offer to help her with stability in other ways, like adhering to some regular, scheduled date times and checking in regularly with how she feels. You can hold her tight and offer a safe place if she needs to cry.
You can't do enough concessions to pul her out of depression.
I think you should stand behind your relationship shape choice. You can stop doing lies of omission, if that doesn't suit you anyway, and instead seek ways to tell that cause least distress.
If she insists on breaking up, she can do it herself.

 

[GalaGirl]

I called Angela exactly 1.5hrs after we talked last and went over to find her curled up in a ball hysterically crying. She explained that she suffers from seasons depression (something I didn't know) and that she needs stability right now and can't handle the thought of me being with someone else, especially someone I "lied" about being a friend.

So... if she needs stability why is she participating in a relationship model she doesn't like and finds so distressing she ends up bawling like that? How is that her taking good care of herself? Why didn't she break up with you to focus on her own health care needs?

Plus, you didn't lie. Sounds like you were trying to honor the DADT thing that Angela herself said she wanted. She's flipping it around on you.

She gave me the ultimatum I never want to hear, monogamy or bust.

I would have chosen to part ways.

I felt trapped, not wanting to give up my relationship of several months over someone I've only had one date with, but also feeling like I've been clear about what I wanted from the get go, and pretty shocked at her disregard for her boy's feelings, for Zoe's feelings, and for mine. I feel like it's a dick move to end things with Angela when she's going through a mental health crisis. So I agreed to monogamy, but I feel like I was coerced into an arrangement I dont want, and I feel really uncomfortable with that.

What kind of a move is it to agree to something you don't really want that makes you uncomfortable? Does doing that ADD or TAKE AWAY from you feeling trapped? Is that you looking out for your own well being? Or you ignoring your own well being?

I don't think it is a dick move to end it with Angela if it just isn't compatible. Nobody's fault. It just isn't a match.

If she gets herself into a polyship when what she really wants monogamy? Sometimes it is kinder to cut someone loose -- especially when they are not able to do it for themselves.

I also don't think she is going to be able to RELAX about it. Crying hysterically is showing just how far against her own grain she is going. I don't know why she is doing that, but I think she's going to keep making restrictions around what you can and cannot do so it becomes "de facto monogamy." And you will keep feeling increasingly trapped.

I think you could kindly tell her that you guys are not compatible after all,you seem to want different things, and that you wish her well and hope her health improves and she feels better. Kindly but FIRMLY Bow out.

She said monogamy or bust -- and you do not want monogamy.

So respectfully stop participating and stop dragging the misery out for both of you.

Galagirl