Trouble with handling jealousy

O

Oneironaut

New member
So after many years of waffling on it and being in separate states, my partners and I have moved in together in a new city where we are starting our lives anew. It's been very stressful but also very exciting and comforting to know that we are making a home together.

Lately, though, I've been having a hard time dealing with my partner seeing someone else. We moved in 7 months ago and the first couple of months, we would have sex like twice a week. Specifically, he is into fisting and getting fisted, and he has often said that I'm the best he's ever had. However, it's been at least 2 months since he has shown any interest in doing this with me. And during this time, he has met someone else who likes fisting and he has been seeing this guy every chance he gets. (It's a small city and there aren't many who are into this.)

My partner, who I'll call Evan, has been a little irritated with me because it's been hard for me to find a job, so I haven't been working much and he worked so hard at his job. So I've had plenty of down time to meet new lovers and cultivate a sex life. Because he was working second shift, it was hard for him to meet new people and have a sex life apart from me. (Our other partner, Ricky, is not interested in sex at all.)

I'm trying to be understanding about his feelings. I guess I know that attraction and sex come and go in long term relationships. I get that it's not sexy when your partner is always borrowing money from you and is always moping around because he's unemployed. I'm trying to be patient with him as he starts to meet other people to have fun with. I get that maybe in his mind, I'm just another of his responsibilities at home (in addition to the house being in his name and being remodeled) and that he needs an escape from it all sometimes. I just feel slighted that we haven't had sex in months and he has been hooking up with this other guy regularly. I also worry that this guy is better at fisting my partner than I am, and that Evan will never be interested in having sex with me again.

We have talked about this, and Evan says that things change when you have a serious relationship and move in together, as things did when he and Ricky first moved in together a few years ago. He says he just isn't feeling sexually towards me right now but that this will eventually change and we will have sex again. He says he has a right to his own sex life and enjoys meeting new people too, but that I'm still the best he's had and that he still finds me very handsome. He is still affectionate in other ways, kissing me, holding me and opening up to me emotionally. He said that he's not going to leave me for anyone and that the fact that I am here with him and Ricky says a lot about our connection. His best friend just died recently too, so he's been experiencing a bit of a delayed depression.

But I hate this feeling of jealousy that I still have. I miss being sexual with him and having that connection that has been so strong since the beginning. I fear losing that connection to someone else.

I just got a kick ass new job that will make me more than enough money to contribute around the house. And he has started a new job that's less stressful with better hours. I'm trying to give him space until I start my new job, and my current temp job keeps me out of the house in the evening so I'm not around so much when he is. (For awhile there we were both around during the day together and again at night when he'd get home from work. Lots of time to get under each other's skin.) I've started trying to spend more time with my other lovers so I don't have to rely on Evan and Ricky for all my needs.

I'm hoping that this will increase confidence in both of us and make sex together a possibility again. But I don't know what to do when I know he's off hooking up with this guy. Am I being impatient? Do I just have to wait it out? Am I being needy? What should I do when I'm feeling this jealousy? Does anyone else here deal with this? Is it really something that happens in a normal relationship?
 
I'm sorry you're experiencing so much jealousy in relation to your partner dating somebody new. While it's a normal emotion, and almost to be expected when relationship dynamics change in relation to someone new being introduced, it's never a pleasant feeling.

There are a lot of resources available online re: getting to the root cause of, and dealing with jealousy. kdt (Kevin) on this forum has a great range of articles on the subject which I'm sure he'd be happy to send you if you want to swing him a pm.

You and your partner/s have a lot of things going on here...

Oneironaut said:
I've been having a hard time dealing with my partner seeing someone else. We moved in 7 months ago and the first couple of months, we would have sex like twice a week.

I also worry that this guy is better at fisting my partner than I am, and that Evan will never be interested in having sex with me again.
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I realise yours is not a "new" relationship, however it hasn't been that long since you guys moved in together (a big life change in and of itself), so I imagine you expected/hoped the intensity and frequency of intimacy would remain high for longer than seven months, and now you're disappointed that somebody new has seemingly co-opted ALL of your boyfriend's sexual attention.

Obviously, NRE is "to blame" for a great deal of that... and NRE always wanes with time (usually six months- a year). So please don't think Evan will "never be interested in having sex with (you) again". That is unlikely, unless there are other factors at play here that you're unaware of.

You have already pin-pointed that part of his disinterest could be related to the below situation:

My partner, who I'll call Evan, has been a little irritated with me because it's been hard for me to find a job... So I've had plenty of down time to meet new lovers and cultivate a sex life. Because he was working second shift, it was hard for him to meet new people and have a sex life apart from me. (Our other partner, Ricky, is not interested in sex at all.)
I get that it's not sexy when your partner is always borrowing money from you and is always moping around because he's unemployed.
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So... you sense he was irritated with you because you weren't - through no fault of your own, I assume - pulling your weight financially. Do you KNOW this was the case, or are you surmising/projecting?

Could be Evan was battling some degree of jealousy - more envy really - because he had to work so hard and had little time for dating, while you got to make new connections a lot more often, until recently. He may have felt underappreciated and lonely during this time, especially since your other partner isn't interested in sex... which may have sparked some resentment towards you.

Now that Evan has found someone himself, he could be letting NRE go to his head, though it's something that will probably decline on its own naturally, over time. However, since he has chosen to "cut you off" altogether, sexually speaking, it's understandable that you feel his behaviour towards you is unfair and hurtful.

I just got a kick ass new job that will make me more than enough money to contribute around the house. And he has started a new job that's less stressful with better hours.

I'm trying to be patient with him as he starts to meet other people to have fun with.
I just feel slighted that we haven't had sex in months and he has been hooking up with this other guy regularly.
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That is good news and I'm sure the new job/job change will relieve some of the pressure you've both been experiencing. Hopefully, the positive effects will flow into the bedroom.

Evan says that things change when you have a serious relationship and move in together (and) says he just isn't feeling sexually towards me right now but that this will eventually change and we will have sex again.
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Sure, things change. People become used to each other over time, sometimes complacent... the initial excitement may wane and you may even find yourselves taking each other for granted. That said, I think it's pretty cruel to simply deny an established partner sexual intimacy because a new partner is in the picture and your bf would prefer to focus on him right now. Of course nobody "owes" anybody else sex, and your partner has a right to decline to have sex with you (or anybody else) if he's really not feeling it.

However, I wonder if there are other reasons for not wanting sex with you right now that Evan may be reluctant to express directly, such as a lingering resentment or jealousy, described above. How long does he expect you to wait patiently... surely not indefinitely? Have you asked what you can expect in this regard?

And then there's another possibility...

His best friend just died recently too, so he's been experiencing a bit of a delayed depression.
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Evan is probably still in the process of grieving. Everybody reacts to loss/grief differently, and mourning times can vary. Some people try to repress feelings of sadness, but this rarely works for long... and the feelings re-surface eventually, sometimes in unexpected ways.

Perhaps Evan's attempts to throw himself into this new relationship is somewhat of a distraction for him; something happy and positive to focus on... rather than dwelling on the loss of his friend.

Ideally, he should also turn to you for love, support and comfort, including physical pleasure, but maybe this is hard for him to do for whatever reason.

But I hate this feeling of jealousy that I still have. I miss being sexual with him and having that connection that has been so strong since the beginning. I fear losing that connection to someone else.

I don't know what to do when I know he's off hooking up with this guy. Am I being impatient? Do I just have to wait it out? Am I being needy? What should I do when I'm feeling this jealousy?
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Of course you miss him, and your sexual connection. I don't think you're being impatient and don't believe you ought to wait it out indefinitely. You could give him a while longer - only you can say how long you're prepared to wait - considering the newness of his other relationship, the recent loss of his best friend, and the fact that you have other partners who can satisfy you to some degree. However, if things don't resolve in a reasonable amount of time, I'd be insisting on further discussion about the issue. Nobody should expect to be sidelined by their primary partner in favour of somebody else, without reasonable explanation or attempts to solve the problem.
 
Hi, lunabunny,

I really appreciate your insightful response. I've had a tough time processing all this and it helps a lot to have my feelings validated.

You're right that I wasn't expecting things to cool down this soon. I certainly am still feeling sexual towards him. And I don't think he's choosing to cut me off, I think this is just how he feels, and I wouldn't want him to force a sexual interest in me if he isn't really feeling it.

He knows that I've been trying hard to look for a job, and he's been as supportive as he can be about it. But he did mention he felt jealous knowing that I was having guys over. I think it was more resentment that he was working so much and in his "dad mode", he felt I was just slacking off, getting fucked all day or something. But even during this time, I was still available for sex with him and would always prefer to be with him than anyone else.

We have talked about his feelings towards me, and I'm not surmising, he did say that the stresses in his own life and between us regarding my unemployment were making it hard for him to think of me sexually. He feels a lot of responsibility lately; both Ricky and I want his attention and support, he's been feeling a bit duped into buying this house, which is solely in his name, he hated his old job and we've known for awhile that his friend was dying, which was weighing heavily on his mind. On top of that, he hasn't had much time to himself and to cultivate his own private sex life.

I do think this other person represents a new and pleasant escape or break from things for him. I'm trying really hard to see it from his point of view; I too like to meet new lovers, the difference is I would never let them take precedence over my sexual connection with Evan... at least at this point I wouldn't.

Outside of the sex issue, he has come to me for support and comfort in his own way. We deal with stress and trauma differently because we have different attachment styles. When I'm going through the wringer, I need more closeness and physical connection; when he's going through it, he needs more distance and time alone. I'm trying to understand this too. He knows that he bottles up feelings but has opened up to me about his depression and feelings, which I feel good about.

I don't know how long I can go with the flow. He hasn't really known this other guy long, just a couple of months. I hope things will settle down with them, but it's pretty early on to expect that to happen anytime soon. This guy sounds really in love with him, and Evan tries to see him every chance he can get. This triggers my anxiety and fear of abandonment. I've been trying to give him more space, but it's really hard not to worry. I guess what I really need is to find ways of coping with the jealousy, ways to calm myself down when they are together.

As for things changing, I don't think things will be very different until we've both been in our new job situations for awhile. I don't start my new job until next week, but once I get into the swing of it, I'll be making a lot more money, I'll feel more confident in my ability to contribute to the house, and there will be less reason for him to resent me. At least that's my theory. This will take maybe a month to really get going, but even that seems like such a long time!

I'm afraid of bringing this up anytime soon because I feel it will just add to the pressures he feels and he will distance even more. I'm an anxious attachment type and tend to want to talk a lot about these things until I'm 100% reassured. And I don't think he can really do that right now.
 
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I'm also trying to be understanding of his NRE. I too have recently met someone who I really like spending time with a lot. I think about how much I like seeing him and try to understand that Evan might be feeling similarly towards his new friend.

I'm also trying to keep in mind that he has had many lovers over the years that he feels very intensely towards. And during the years we were apart, he had other friends he enjoyed fisting with too. And yet, I am here with him, I am the one Evan and Ricky have chosen to make a life with. Sometimes that helps. I too have had several lovers who even now I still feel intense attraction and connection to, yet it is Evan and Ricky who I really want to be with; I can experience intense connection with some of my other lovers and it still doesn't diminish the love I feel for Evan.

I also think maybe he sometimes prefers to play with someone who is as into fisting as he is. I've never really been that into it, but I've always loved doing it with him because of the intense connection it creates between us. Still, maybe he's excited to meet someone who really truly loves it as much as he does and who has a lot more experience with it than I do. Just as I like playing with guys who are into more of the things I normally like that Evan isn't that into. So there's that to consider too, and I try to think about my own feelings and how he may be feeling something similar.
 
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Hi Oneironaut,
Here are some jealousy links in case it might help.

There are also a few books you can read.

  • "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
  • "Polyamory and Jealousy: a More than Two essentials guide," by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux.
  • "Jealousy Survival Guide: how to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship," by Kitty Chambliss.
It sounds like you and Evan have a good relationship in spite of the recent issues. Keep the channels of communication open as much as you can, and definitely continue to express your love and commitment for each other. It will help.

Keep us posted on how things are going.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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