Trouble

[Heavenlyknightmare]

I have no one i can really talk to about this and i really could use some advice.

Me and my fiance have had an open relationship for three out of the four years we've been together. And up until a couple months ago its work just fine and feel great. However about 5 months back he met a new girl. After about a month and a half he told me I had feelings for her. We talked about it and I told him as long as he didn't treat me any differently I was okay with that. Soon after things begin to change. He started going out and being gone on my days off from work and he had completely switched his sleeping schedule to the opposite of mine. Since then she's gotten more and more needy and it's at the point where if she asked him to jump he'd ask her how high. Our sex life has gone down the drain there's no foreplay or passion and it took me having a complete breakdown for him to start cuddling me at night again. I don't know what to do to restore passion to our relationship. He's also lied to me about proposing to her we've been engaged just under three years. I tried getting the truth out of him about it but he continues to lie to me. Originally he said it was just a joke then after I heard it from her own mouth he told me he didn't know that's how she really felt and then I found a letter for months before she talk to me confirming exactly how she felt he still will not let you know even though I showed him I found the letter. What do I do doesn't mean he's using me? Are we ever going to be able to restore that same love and passion? How do I get him to tell me the truth?

 

[KC43]

A hard truth: No, you aren't going to be able to restore the *same* love, because you'll always know he lied to you and cheated on you with this other woman. He's damaged your trust, and that's going to change how you feel about him even if you and he are able to work through this.

And yes, even though you have an open relationship, he is cheating. He is lying to you, breaking agreements you and he had, and even proposing to her when he's already engaged to you! Any non-monogamous arrangement, whether it's a sexually open relationship or a polyamorous one or whatever, is meant to be one hundred percent honest, and the participants are meant to keep the agreements and boundaries that have been set. Anything else is cheating.

It sounds like your fiance is partly operating under what folks around here call NRE. New Relationship Energy. That exciting rush you get when you have a new partner and everything's different and, well, new. It can be almost addictive for some people, and it can definitely cause people to behave in a way they usually wouldn't. Your fiance is infatuated with this new woman, and that's causing him to treat you like an optional part of his life and to break the agreements he'd made with you.

I'm sorry, but if he's acting this way and treating you so poorly...why would you WANT to restore passion and love to your relationship? You don't deserve this kind of crap. He's making you feel horrible and causing you to question how he feels about you, so why would you keep trying to make it work when he clearly isn't interested in working *with* you? It's your life, and your relationship; no one can tell you to leave. But that's what I would do if it were me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Heavenlyknightmare,

Sorry, I do not have any ideas of stuff you could do or say to get your fiancé to tell you the truth. At the most you could ask him, "Please tell me the truth." But he has the power to keep on lying, that is a matter of his behavior and you do not have power to choose his behavior, only he can choose it. You can ask. That's all you can do. The rest is up to him.

What you have to do is decide whether you will stay with this man, this man who lies to you and doesn't have the same love and passion he used to have (or seemed to have) for you. Possibly you could go to a couple's counselor. But, maybe it's for the best that you're not yet married? Otherwise you might be facing a divorce.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are hurting and have been treated this way.

I think jokes make everyone feel good. I'm not seeing the joke here. Right now it sounds like both you and her feel bad as a result of his "joke." If he gets off on behaving like this it is not a "joke." It's mean and it is sick. I can imagine it hurts like hell to be treated like this.

I think you cannot restore the same love and passion you used to have for him after he broke your trust this way. You see him in a new, clearer light now. And you are right NOT to trust him any more.

To keep both relationships healthy he could have treated you both well. What did he do instead?

• He promised to treat you well, then neglects you, lies, and cheats on your engagement. He is ok throwing you under the bus and devaluing you/taking you for granted. So he can go have "fun" messing with her head.
• On her side? He leads her on with a joke proposal when he's already engaged. What's the purpose of that "joke?" To hurt her for his amusement? When you bring up this irresponsible behavior he tries to make weak excuses. Like he "didn't know" she would take a proposal seriously. (Who takes marriage proposals NOT seriously?) When shown the letter, he dismisses/devalues her feelings even though she's written them out and verbally confirmed that she took it seriously. Basically he is ok throwing her under the bus to avoid taking responsibility for his bad actions. Saying whatever to get himself off the hook now that you found out.

What kind of business is that? He think she's disposable and he thinks you are blind/gullible?

What do I do? doesn't mean he's using me? Are we ever going to be able to restore that same love and passion? How do I get him to tell me the truth?

I'm not surprised to hear you wonder if you are being used after experiencing such horrible treatment. I think you ARE being used. For sure you are not being treated respectfully and kindly here!

In your shoes, I would be past my limit of tolerance. I'd get away from him. You don't need to "get him" to tell you the truth and take responsibility for his bad actions to be free of this pain. You need to get away from him to be free of this pain.

You can see for yourself how he chooses to behave crystal clear. It sounds like you don't much like what you are seeing...but you can see it for yourself. No need to waste energy on getting him to own it. Put the energy into your own feet and walk away instead.

This person is not BF or marriage material. I suggest NEITHER of you marry this person. I think you could consider dumping him, taking time to heal from this bad treatment of you, and then starting over with someone else when ready to date again. Choose someone who is more responsible, more trustworthy and more respectful. Someone who takes engagement and marriage as something serious like you do. Someone who doesn't use people. I am glad you saw through him before you got married. Dodged a bullet!

You deserve to be treated well. You do NOT deserve to be treated poorly.

When he does not treat you well and causes you deep pain? He does not meet your standard for how you want to be treated? He does not value the things you value?

YOU can decide to treat you better by ending it with him and removing yourself from his orbit. Put some distance in there so you become un-dingable. You make it so he cannot ding you any more and hurt you some more. You can choose to remove this pain-causer from your life.

In this cause I think you were very smart to go for a LONG engagement of several years to give you plenty of time to see his true colors. I can't imagine how much more horrible this would be if it had been a short engagement and you were dealing with getting rid of a user husband rather than a user BF.

Again, I am very sorry you have been treated this badly. You do NOT deserve it. I hope you are able to get to a healing place soon.

Galagirl