Trust and insecurity

[someonenew]

I am relatively new to polyamory and to be honest I still don't know if this is the right thing for me.

I have a lot of emotional baggage from past relationships. I have been cheated on, I have been someone's mistress, I have been the dirty secret. All these past hurt have caused walls to be built up, especially when it comes to trusting someone.

My boyfriend is more experienced. However we think and function very differently (I am more emotional and he is more rational) and many times we have problems with communication because of that.

When he started developing a relationship with another person, there was a lot of misrepresented information and some "white lies". He downplayed that relationship to me. I also do not like this person because she said something to me that implied that I wasn't important (and till today I still don't like her because that was never resolved). Although we have moved past this, I feel like a certain amount of trust has been broken and it is very hard to trust him again.

I get triggered easily when it comes to this particular person, because of the history. Recently, he allowed a facebook post of hers on his timeline. He rarely allows my posts but has been (in my opinion) affirming his relationship with her so much publicly. I feel like I'm the secret he is ashamed of and can never show in public. He disagrees and tries to explain and reason with me, but there has been quite a bit of backpaddling on his words as well. I understand that perspectives change and evolve, but it still hurts because it makes me feel like a dirty secret again, something I swore I would never want to be again.

There was also another girl he started seeing who was posting journals of their relationship, saying things like how important he is to her, how he belongs to and with her, and that she loves him. This also affected me a lot because that was extremely different from what he has been telling me. He has told me that he doesn't know where that relationship is going yet. I get paranoid that he is downplaying this relationship to me again.

When I try and talk to him, he either over rationalises it or jumps to the conclusion that I am just jealous. I don't think I am jealous. I think I have trust issues and insecurities to work on.

I'm not trying to slam him here, so please don't. I wanted to give some background to be able to get better advice.

1. What can I do to work through my trust and insecurities?
2. How can I better communicate my trust and insecurities to him in a way that a rational person can understand (If you do the Meyer Briggs thing, he's very much a T and I am very much a F, so it's hard to find middle ground)
3. Should he help me work through these or is it my own burden to bear? If yes, how can I convince him to help me through this because I am feeling very alone now.

Thanks in advance.

-A

 

[Dagferi]

1. What can I do to work through my trust and insecurities?

First of all get off social media and stop exposing yourself to what his other partners write.

2. How can I better communicate my trust and insecurities to him in a way that a rational person can understand (If you do the Meyer Briggs thing, he's very much a T and I am very much a F, so it's hard to find middle ground)

Tell him how you are feeling BUT you cannot expect him to fix it for you.

3. Should he help me work through these or is it my own burden to bear? If yes, how can I convince him to help me through this because I am feeling very alone now.

He cannot fix your baggage for you. Seek out a therapist. Honestly I do not think your ready for polyamory. You need to work on yourself and your esteem.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

1. What can I do to work through my trust and insecurities?

You could not be reading his Facebook.

You could also consider if you guys are actually compatible. It may not be that you are insecure, but you get yourself into unstable relationships so you FEEL all shaky and destabilized trying to be in them.

2. How can I better communicate my trust and insecurities to him in a way that a rational person can understand?

IME, most rational persons can see that when a person is emotional -- be it crying or super angry -- whatever it is they are talking about is REALLY important to them.
They may not agree, but they can see that it is important to that person. So the best thing to do is LISTEN to them and figure out what they are trying to convey. Not downplay it, dismiss it, or "logic it away."

You could ask him to repeat in his own words what you just said so you know he got it like you mean it.

You could consider if it is you not being able to convey your message. Or if he doesn't want to hear it -- no matter how great you present it.

3. Should he help me work through these or is it my own burden to bear? If yes, how can I convince him to help me through this because I am feeling very alone now.

I think it is your job to figure out if being in this relationship brings you enough return on your investment. If it does not, you could stop investing.

It is your job to set and enforce personal boundaries. If someone keeps stepping on your toes? You can ASK if they are willing to stop it. But if they are not willing to stop? You can expect them to keep on doing it. They do not care to stop. You cannot control their behavior. They do.

What you can do is to get YOU away from this person. Because you CAN control YOUR own behavior. You control your "staying-ness."

If you are putting a lot in and just get "blah" stuff in return? Even if you love him, you might want to consider ending it and loving him from a safer distance in memory. Because loving him up close hurts and is not safe to do.

I'm sorry.

I can imagine that none of that is fun to think about. But you could think about it anyway for your own well being. You sound like you are suffering.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi someonenew,

I'm not happy with the way your boyfriend is acting. He is making a big deal of his new girl, advertising her on Facebook, while keeping you under the shadows.

I think you should consider your own worth as a person and whether your boyfriend is meeting that standard. Maybe it is time to break up with him, maybe not, but it is something to think about.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Bluebird]

I recommend getting him off of your facebook feed. I have told all 3 of my partners that if they have other partners who start posting on their page, I will probably unfriend them. Doesn't mean I don't love them, it just means I don't want to be bombarded with lovey dovey feelings between them and someone else.

That said, I have no problem posting tons about all 3 of them on my own feed, and as such I would not react well to them trying to stop me from doing so. I would give them the same recommendation - you can hide me and not see it, if it bothers you.

 

[Tinwen]

I don't think this is about the other person at all. I think this is all about your relationships with your boyfriend.

When he started developing a relationship with another person, there was a lot of misrepresented information and some "white lies".

Did you two address this situation in any way? Did he understand where he was being dishonest? Did he offer to act otherwise next time?

He rarely allows my posts but has been (in my opinion) affirming his relationship with her so much publicly. I feel like I'm the secret he is ashamed of and can never show in public.

Do you know what his reasoning behind not allowing your posts is? (Perhaps he doesn't like the content?)
If you need public affirmation, and he is in principle willing, I think you could ask for something specific. Like: "would you go with me to this public event?" That way you know you are not a secret, and you avoid generalizations and comparison.

He has told me that he doesn't know where that relationship is going yet.

Perhaps a good reason to be insecure.

When I try and talk to him, he either over rationalises it or jumps to the conclusion that I am just jealous. I don't think I am jealous. I think I have trust issues and insecurities to work on.

I think both of you are having insecurities, because the relationship is having cracks to work on.
How do you talk to him when you talk? Are you being specific about what problem you want to solve? Or, if you need reassurance, are you telling him that you need reassurance and not problem solving?