Trying to be sensitive to and understand my (probably) monogamous partner's needs
- Thread starter PolyNrrdGrrl
- Start date
Derbylicious
New member
It took my husband years to be ok with the idea of me potentially being with another man. It has never happened yet, so when (if?) it does, it will be interesting to see what the reaction to it is then. The thing is that there is an awful lot of societal conditioning that is ingrained into men about having to "protect" their women from other men. It's not something that you just get over overnight.
You've only been together a couple of months, and this is LAM's first exposure to poly. Give him some time for the ideas to sink in.
You've only been together a couple of months, and this is LAM's first exposure to poly. Give him some time for the ideas to sink in.
PolyNrrdGrrl
New member
Oh, not at all. What bothers me about it is the double standard, as if there's a difference between same-sex relations and the opposite.
Penny
New member
While I disagree with this idea, I believe that it is that one is a difference in hardware, while the other is a difference in "soulware."
It is less threatening to believe you feel a need to be with another because you need a pussy and he doesn't have one, just as he needs a cock and you don't have one. No sense of inadequacy is invoked. Whereas if you were with another man, then it becomes about what is on the inside.
I think this point of view is pretty wrong-headed, but it does have a certain logic to it and is fairly common.
Fobwatch
New member
Unplug
Hi. I'm completely new here, so you may think, "Aaand who's this guy?"
I very much agree with Penny. In my relationship, we agreed to allowing purely sexual relations, as it was a LDR, before moving on to most recently admitting we were fine with having proper relationships, just because we saw them as less of a danger to our own.
The best advice I can give to LAM is take a step back, unplug, and tell yourself, "We haven't been together that long. I shouldn't think of myself as her primary. This may not last at all. Just settle down before I get any ideas about her being 'my girl.'"
This doesn't have to be true, but just putting yourself in that mindset for a moment can let you think a little more calmly and not worry so much about laying down boundaries. You may find after a bit that you can start to talk to PNG about her relationships without automatically worrying she'll be there one day and elope the next.
Hi. I'm completely new here, so you may think, "Aaand who's this guy?"
I very much agree with Penny. In my relationship, we agreed to allowing purely sexual relations, as it was a LDR, before moving on to most recently admitting we were fine with having proper relationships, just because we saw them as less of a danger to our own.
The best advice I can give to LAM is take a step back, unplug, and tell yourself, "We haven't been together that long. I shouldn't think of myself as her primary. This may not last at all. Just settle down before I get any ideas about her being 'my girl.'"
This doesn't have to be true, but just putting yourself in that mindset for a moment can let you think a little more calmly and not worry so much about laying down boundaries. You may find after a bit that you can start to talk to PNG about her relationships without automatically worrying she'll be there one day and elope the next.
TruckerPete
New member
Excellent advice, from whoever the hell that guy was. 