Trying to be supportive

[AJJinMI]

Hey everyone,

I am new to this site but would like advice/comments from others, especially anyone that is involved in a "V" relationship... I tend to ramble when I type so I apologize for that.

My husband (29) and I (26) have been together total for 7 years, married for 5 of them. I come from a very conservative family and have only understood mono relationships before meeting my husband. When we were dating, he brought up that he was curious in poly and one day that he wanted to be poly in one of our first dates... being very cautious about it at first, I told him that I would be open and willing to try in the future because it was something different that I never heard of.

In the winter of 2014 we had a roommate that we both were sexually involved with and dating for about 2 months until I walked in on them unexpectedly on day and broke down. I broke it off with our roommate and my husband was not happy with me, since he felt like he had to break off the relationship with her as well, which devastated him because he was falling in love with her.

Over the following 3 years we have had little to no contact with her until about 3 months ago when her current mono relationship was going downhill. We ended up hooking up again and tried to bring back what we once had. The 3 of us were once again happy until my husband was getting frustrated with me since he didn't feel like I was putting forth an effort in my relationship with her but really was trying to build up a friendship again like we once had and she was trying to do the same. It was more like, she would only cuddle/show affection or interest in me when he was around because it made him happy. So I pulled myself away from the relationship (again) and told them that they could continue their relationship.

It has been about a month and a half since I made that decision and hey are still in a "relationship" as I call in but both of them state that it is just a close friendship at this point. He leaves to go see her about once or twice a week and will stay the night with her. Every time that he left me to go see her, I have broken down, emotionally and mentally to the point where I don't know if our marriage is going to last. The last time he left, I went to my parents house... my mother knew that I had been crying and asked what was going on and why I was depressed over the last couple of weeks. I opened up to her about everything because she is like my best friend but she just asks me more why questions, if I was happy with my marriage, if my husband was wearing protection, and the list goes on. Her first marriage ended because she was being forced into swinging (which I didn't know about until now) and that she didn't want to see me the way she felt in that relationship.

My husband is very sincere to me, always tells me how beautiful I am, how much he loves me, no one can replace me, and we openly talk about everything going on but it still bothers me. Am I not fun to be around? Is the sex better since it's new relationship energy? He reassures me so much but I can't get that drilled into my brain enough, I just let myself go. I am reading the book "More Than Two" to see if that will help me with my jealousy, insecurities, anxiety, and emotions. He left tonight to see her and it's the first time that I didn't break down in tears but I have a knot in my stomach and throat that won't go away, even when I tell myself that it will be okay.

Between our work schedules, I barely see him if not right before bed and maybe every other weekend when I am off from work. It's only going to be more difficult to see him starting in September when my nursing school schedule starts up and my stress levels are through the roof with school alone, I don't know how I am going to be, react, or feel.

I appreciate anyone reading this. Feel free to ask questions, post your concerns, or encouragement.

Thanks,
(A)

 

[kvb]

Hi AJJinMI-

I am new here too and I felt so much of my own situation (even though yours is very different) in your post. I don't know if anything I say will be useful but at the very least I hope it helps to know there is someone else out there who can very much relate to what you are going through.

I am 43 and my partner is 41. We have been together for 12 years & have a 10 year old. Unlike your partner, I had been with mine for many years before he approached me about poly. I agreed (maybe for different reasons) to give it try because not only of course do I want him to be happy, but as I stated in another post I am not really sure if I have been in mono relationships because I want them or because it is what I have been conditioned my whole life to believe is the "right" way to do things. If something doesn't work for me I want it to be because it doesn't work for me not because everyone has said it shouldn't work for me.

We have had many ups and downs, even a couple of separations but with time and therapy we have remained to committed to each other and our family. The past couple of years have been really tough for both of us. (I won't get into it again here but if you want the background I will direct you to that post.)

My partner hadn't been with anyone for years in this time period, but has recently started seeing a girl he has dated on/off for several years since we opened up our relationship. (It is noteable also that I have yet to date anyone else, I am not opposed but it has to feel right and that just hasn't happened as of yet.) He started seeing her again when our relationship was in a super shite place and didn't tell me he was going to see her first either, so I think I have a bit of bitterness about that going on that I am trying to get over. I felt really betrayed because I didn't know he was even thinking about seeing other people again.

Years ago I attempted to befriend his other partner, but it didn't really work out the way I hoped. After we exchanged a few emails, she just stopped responding.
I have still not met her and honestly, I don't know that I want to. She is very attractive and a good decade younger than I am which isn't easy to swallow not to mention that he only seems to share our lows with her, not our highs. In addition to that, even though they have known each other a long time and have dated on/off for years their NRE never seems to dissipate I think because they never have to deal with "real life" issues together. Their time together is the good stuff, the best stuff we all revel in when we meet someone and feel "that" connection.

I ask myself ALL the same questions you seem to be asking too. Am I not fun to be around? Is the sex better? Does he say/do things with her that he does with me? Do we share anything in our intimate relationship that he DOESN'T share with her? Does her love her MORE/better than he loves me? The list is endless. I so get it. He has been gone since Thursday with her as well, so I feel the knot in the belly more than you know and I DID cry before he left.

Like your husband seems to be, he is doing his best to reassure me as well, but like you there are moments when it seems that the only thing that would do that is having a intimate relationship with me and no one else and that isn't going to happen.

I have also been reading and posting here when I really feel alone/need support. None of my friends understand poly so I can't really talk to them about it. They aren't judgmental, but they just can't wrap their brains around it. I just ordered a jealousy workbook on Amazon in the hopes it would help. I'm there with you too.

I don't know if this helps at all, but what I keep trying to do (not always successfully) is ask myself not only what is that I am ACTUALLY afraid of, what a worst case scenario looks like and how I would handle it. I am the kind of person who has always looked at all possible outcomes in order to be "prepared" for whatever may happen. Totally nuts I know, but I grew up thinking that way so...I still do.

One thing someone else was kind enough to point out to me here was that what might be bothering me so much might not be the actual relationship he has with someone else, but that the relationship he has, is very much like the one we USED to have before real life issues, tragedy and heartbreak. It could be that I am mourning what used to be and as this member said, what/who WE used to be. That really struck me because after 12 years of highs and lows, I definitely miss the way we used to be. The way he used to love me...and now seems to love her. This might not apply to your situation but I thought it worth mentioning.

You don't need to figure out who you are going to be, what you are going to do or how you are going to feel next month or even tomorrow as far as I am concerned. No matter how open minded/logical you are I think this is hard (at least sometimes)...even for those with years of experience in these situations. You have to take it one day at a time. For me, sometimes it is one minute at a time. That is enough without worrying about what you might do/think/feel in a month from now. I only say that because I have a really hard time being kind to myself and I need to be and so do you. So I hope you are.

Have you asked yourself what it is you are jealous and insecure about? Like what the worst possible outcome would be? What is your perfect scenario? Take everyone else's emotions etc. out of it and ask yourself if you could have this any way you want, what would that look like? These are all things I am trying to figure out as well. I don't know how things can get better if I can't identify where my issues come from and what I want things to be/look like.

When I really find myself spinning out of control I try to shift the focus to myself. I do something for me (I am really bad at that as well in general) that I wouldn't do if he was here. If I start to envision what they are most likely doing (like right now) I remember things he has said to me/done for me and the time we have clocked together. No one can take that from me. It's mine and mine alone.

I obviously don't know where your insecurity stems from but for me it began in childhood. I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or thin enough for my mother. I was told it as far back as I can remember. So I KNOW that a huge part of my problem is that I have been programmed to think the way I do about myself. I can dwell on my failures for days and my successes for mere moments at best.

For me THAT has to change as well before anything else will. So even though I am not what most people would consider overweight, I have started working out...for ME. So I can feel better about what I see in the mirror. Not to mention I need to believe in myself and my worth a hell of a lot more than I have.

I really think being comfortable with who you are would help destroy/make the insecurities we all have more manageable. (for me it would anyway) If I am the best version of myself, why would I be intimidated by anyone else? If anything, this situation has made me determined to get where I want to be with ME because I think that is going to tell me a lot about whether I want/can do this for the rest of my life.

I don't know if anything I have said helps at all, but I hope you feel a little better knowing someone else is out there, feeling for what you are going through.

Keep your head up and please let me know if there is anything I can do to make you feel more supported.

kvb

 

[kdt26417]

Hi AJJinMI,

It's possible that you're struggling in part because your husband's girlfriend hasn't made an honest effort to rebuild her relationship with you; however, I mostly get the impression that polyamory just isn't for you, at least not right now. I'm assuming you don't want to leave your husband, but if you don't leave him, you may have to ask him to break up with his girlfriend. Which will no doubt make him unhappy, but as it stands now you're falling apart and that's no good either.

In addition to the book More than Two, the More than Two website has a lot of helpful resources. You might find https://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html to be helpful. But as I said, be open to the possibility that polyamory just isn't for you. Which is okay.

Hang in there,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey AJJ. You will get more responses to your problem if you click the red ! in the upper right corner of your OP. This will notify a mod. You can ask to have this thread moved to the Relationships section.

The current section is for journals and blogs and are supposed to be a place to process with little to no feedback, unless people are invited to comment.