Me and my wife are have an open marriage/poly. I am open about it to anyone aside from her FAM. They don't know. My wife is not so open about it with people. Here is my issue. She will be friendly and joke and casually flirt with people which I am fine with but what bothers me is when men try to hook up with her knowing she's married before they know we're open. Basically they try to get her to cheat on me. I find that extremely disrespectful to me and it pisses me off. If they knew were open and propositioned her that's completely fine, but they dont. Am I wrong? she says it's the only way it would work for her because she does not tell anybody that were open unless they show real interest in her. Like I said, am I wrong?
Trying to hook up before knowing were open.
- Thread starter Windclan
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You are not wrong to feel how you feel. It doesn't speak highly of their character that they try to get her to cheat on her current relationship. Being Open is not "cheat proof" either.
You have to trust your wife that she's not going to take up with someone who is a shady character and let her separate the wheat from the chaff.
You cannot control other people's behavior. She cannot control other people's behavior. You and she can only control each of your own behavior.
Galagirl
You have to trust your wife that she's not going to take up with someone who is a shady character and let her separate the wheat from the chaff.
You cannot control other people's behavior. She cannot control other people's behavior. You and she can only control each of your own behavior.
Galagirl
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GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Windclan, my husband and I feel exactly the same way you do. Our solution to it is that we just don't look for partners or even flirt in situations where there are folks who don't know we are open. The times someone has tried something anyway (has actually only happened once to me but lots to Andy 
) we just shut them down.
For us that's not a particularly restrictive rule because the only people we spend much time with who can't know about our open relationship are work folks and some family members, people we wouldn't want to date anyway
In your case, I'm not sure who these guys are ... Friends? Casual acquaintances? Strangers at bars? My initial reaction is, she's worried about them knowing you guys have an open relationship, ok, but I don't see why that changes if/when they are interested in her... Maybe I'm missing something
) we just shut them down. For us that's not a particularly restrictive rule because the only people we spend much time with who can't know about our open relationship are work folks and some family members, people we wouldn't want to date anyway
In your case, I'm not sure who these guys are ... Friends? Casual acquaintances? Strangers at bars? My initial reaction is, she's worried about them knowing you guys have an open relationship, ok, but I don't see why that changes if/when they are interested in her... Maybe I'm missing something
They are people she works with or around. She doesn't want it to effect how she's seen at work. We're both kinda introverts so we don't go to clubs or anything like that. So the main people we interact with are people at our jobs. Unfortunately everyone at my jobs are men :-( lol but most the people at her work is also guys. A while back she got a promotion and a guy who thought she didn't deserve it started rumors that she slept with the boss to get it. Which wasn't true but it got around and got bad. I understand that if she was open about it and that happened it would have been a lot worse. So I understand not wanting to just throw it out there but to me she needs to find another way of letting someone she's interested in know. Idk, I know there's not an easy answer but every time it happens it pisses me off and she knows it but doesn't know any other way. If I told her no, that I wasn't OK with it because of the way they went about it then that wouldn't be fair to her and we don't get many opportunities to play with others.
Why? Because then she would have to seek potentials outside of work? That's the price of admission to dating. One has to circulate.
I think dating coworkers is a bad idea anyway, much less shady coworkers who want her to cheat.
Everyone has a "messy list" whether articulated or not. I would not want DH dating my mother, my sister, my boss, my coworkers, our kids' teacher, etc. Just like I wouldn't date his "messy people." There's plenty other people in the world to date without actively seeking one where it could create job loss or really messed up dynamics if there was a break up, pregnancy, or some other problem.
Look at the rumor about her sleeping with the boss. People can get nasty even when nothing happened. Neither of you needs drama at the work place.
Both of you could find a way to socialize outside of work to create other opportunities to find potentials. I think you guys could focus there and let the whole "dating work people" thing go as just too messy.
Galagirl
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breathemusic
Active member
So my initial thought when I read this was "Why would your wife want to portray herself as someone who is willing to cheat on her husband?" The only people she would then attract are people who don't really give a shit about being honest, trustworthy, loyal, etc. So then that means the only people she's going to meet are guys who don't mind being the "affair." Is that really what she wants?
I also second the comments that it's a bad idea to date co-workers given all the drama that can lead to. If you guys want to date, get out there, or get on a dating site/app.
But I can see why you would be bothered by the way she's doing things. I would be too in your shoes.
I also second the comments that it's a bad idea to date co-workers given all the drama that can lead to. If you guys want to date, get out there, or get on a dating site/app.
But I can see why you would be bothered by the way she's doing things. I would be too in your shoes.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
So she's assuming that the guys at work she hooks up with will keep her open relationship secret. In an atmosphere that is judgmental about open relationships and welcoming to backstabbing and rumors. Um, good luck with that, seems very naive to me.
I second (third?) the advice to seek partners away from work. Her work sounds like a very messy and risky place to be looking for partners. You can be introverted on dating sites! Honestly if your wife is attractive enough to get propositioned regularly, she will be able to meet men online by just occasionally saying yes to one of the thousands of offers she receives
Exactly. If someone asks me to cheat on my husband with them, they're not just disrespecting my husband... They're also disrespecting me by assuming I'm someone who might cheat.
vinsanity0
Active member
Your wife has a bit of a Catch-22 situation going on. She won't tell anyone she is open unless they show an interest. If they show an interest then they are shady because they don't know she is open.
It does not piss me off that a guy might assume my wife is cheating or would cheat. That is for her to deal with.
It does not piss me off that a guy might assume my wife is cheating or would cheat. That is for her to deal with.
IndieSolo
Active member
Keep in mind that some people will flirt with anybody. Also, a lot of people purposely flirt with married/partnered people because they have no intention of following through and consider them "safe" - as in, thinking nothing will happen. And yes, some guys are going to purse her whether it is ethical or not - that's just the way it is and how men have been conditioned in much of our western culture.
I wouldn't get offended that guys are flirting with her. But I would recommend that she not flirt back and date anyone at her workplace, especially given the fact that there were rumors about her fucking someone to get ahead. At work, as is often the case for most women in corporate settings, she has to be absolutely all-business and devoted to her marriage with no flirtatious behavior whatsoever if she wants to be taken seriously as a professional.
Play time should be after work hours, with people she does not work with, plain and simple.
I wouldn't get offended that guys are flirting with her. But I would recommend that she not flirt back and date anyone at her workplace, especially given the fact that there were rumors about her fucking someone to get ahead. At work, as is often the case for most women in corporate settings, she has to be absolutely all-business and devoted to her marriage with no flirtatious behavior whatsoever if she wants to be taken seriously as a professional.
Play time should be after work hours, with people she does not work with, plain and simple.
Hi Windclan,
Re (from OP):
How about if she tells them she's open at the same time as when she tells them she's married? Is that possible?
The others have a point about flirting with coworkers, especially when she's already been subject to a rumor about having sex to get ahead. Sucky situation but what can you do.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Re (from OP):
How about if she tells them she's open at the same time as when she tells them she's married? Is that possible?
The others have a point about flirting with coworkers, especially when she's already been subject to a rumor about having sex to get ahead. Sucky situation but what can you do.
Regards,
Kevin T.
WhatHappened
Active member
Exactly. While some people may flirt and intend nothing, it's also commonly used as a way of showing interest. So she's showing interest and then they're guilty for picking up on it?
This, too.