Trying to Understand Polyamory

D

Daydream

New member
Hey everyone! This is my first post--to be honest I am not sure what all to put in it. First off, please understand that I am not talking crap on polyamory--I just don't understand it--here goes:

I have been talking to a guy who is polyamorous for over a year now. When he first told me he was poly, I told him that I was NOT. Well, we have been "hanging out" for over a year now. Almost inseparable at times. Mental Issue #1The other night, he was holding me in bed and told me he'd like for me to meet his poly girlfriend--I didn't even know there was a poly gf in his life. I don't know how I feel about it. I LOVE THIS MAN...more than I did my ex that I was with for 10 years, but I am so scared--I have seen pictures of her. She's pretty and skinny. I think I am pretty, but I am definitely NOT skinny.

Mental Issue #2 So, if I meet her, I don't even know what would happen after that. I don't know what/who I would be in the "relationship"--or if it would be a "relationship," or if I would even be in it. I am freaking out because I don't know what to expect, but I feel so uncomfortable even talking about it to anyone. I'm crying just typing this. If I "try" it, do they kiss and love on each other in front of me--or would it be just them and I would be somewhere else? There are a lot of things I am uncertain about and would love to get cleared up.
 
I'll start with Mental Issue #2:
You are in a relationship with him, she is in a relationship with him. It doesn't need to be any more complicated than that. You don't need to cultivate a relationship of any kind with her unless you want to, although being at least on speaking terms with her would probably make life easier in the long run. He's asked you to meet her, not to marry her, so don't get into a panic trying to redesign your basic concept of a relationship based on guesses.

As for Mental Issue #1, what do you mean by "hanging out"? Were you under the impression that the two of you were in an exclusive relationship? If not, had you assumed that he'd tell you when he met someone new? Had you discussed your expectations?

That brings me back to Mental Issue #2; don't make assumptions about what to expect. Ask. If having them kiss in front of you will make you uncomfortable, say so. Don't expect him to magically know where your boundaries are, tell him.
 
Tell him and ask him! He is the only one who can tell you what is/has been going on. "Honey, I had no idea you were dating anyone else seriously. Could you give me some more information and time to get my mind aound this? " is a fair thing to say.

It sounds to me as though your relationship has eased from casual to not casual without a "right time" to discuss what it is you each want. I imagine you are afraid you will lose him if you are not totally cool with the situation but if this is to be a healthy relationship for you, you have to know and communicate what your own needs are. He can't read your mind, and seems to have misunderstood your feelings. You oughtn't let him go along hurting you unintentionally, that would be harmful to you both.

Leetah
 
Daydream said:
Well, we have been "hanging out" for over a year now. Almost inseparable at times. Mental Issue #1The other night, he was holding me in bed and told me he'd like for me to meet his poly girlfriend--I didn't even know there was a poly gf in his life.
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Just clarifying:

You and he been having a sexual and emotional relationship for a year and you just now are learning about this woman with whom he also has a sexual and emotional relationship?
 
The b/f gets points for being upfront about nonmonogamy. It sounds as though you didn't understand the concept, or its ramifications, & you didn't ask him to explain himself further.

Then again, he's not polyamorous, because he kinda sucks at "open, honest, complete communication" if his having a steady girlfriend is just now a topic.

And he's shown you pictures of her. Has he shown her pictures of you?

In all my years, I never went out of my way to introduce my lovers, though I didn't hesitate to do so if we met up socially. I certainly did NOT expect them to hang out, become BFFs, etc.

Showing photos strikes me as a bit creepy, actually.

Is this "meet her" as in say "hi!" then resume normal activities? or as in "hey, I know, let's go get dinner!"? or as in "look who's going to be sleeping with us tonight!"?

Much of his behaviors sound a bit like "bait & switch." I've mentioned a few above; another is waiting to drop this stinkbomb until the two of you are cuddled up in bed -- an emotionally manipulative tactic.

He might have good explanation (not to mention some sincere apologizing) for some of this stuff, but you need to talk to him.

No room for "but if I bring it up, he might break up with me" nonsense, because NOT talking to him will likely get you to that same end, just more painfully.
 
I am sorry you struggle. I guess I would list the "mental issues" differently.

I would list this as issue #1:

I have been talking to a guy who is polyamorous for over a year now. When he first told me he was poly, I told him that I was NOT. Well, we have been "hanging out" for over a year now.
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I might be wrong here, but it sounds like you are are dating this guy and are also lovers. Are you? :confused:

If you do not want to "poly date" -- what are you doing dating a poly guy for over a year?:confused:

When you started dating him, did you lay out your expectations for how you wanted to be treated/what you wanted to know about his life?

I would put this as issue #2:

The other night, he was holding me in bed and told me he'd like for me to meet his poly girlfriend--I didn't even know there was a poly gf in his life.
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Could you be willing to clarify? Do you mean after sex he dropped the bomb that he has another GF, and BTW he wants you to meet her? Odd time to talk about this.

How long have they been dating? Why were you not informed previously?

  • PHYSICAL HEALTH: If he's not telling you he has another GF/lover until now, how have you two been dealing with sex health business? Are you at risk for STDs or anything else?
  • EMOTIONAL: Do you even want to be one of his concurrent lovers?
  • MENTAL: Does not sound like you were given complete data so you could consent to share sex with him from a place of full info. Is this important to you? What do you think about him leaving things out/doing lies of omission? Did you assume things? Need to get more assertive about asking things?

Issue #3:

Assuming you clear up #1 and #2.... if you decide to continue with this guy?

It would be a poly V with him as the "shared sweetie."
  • You could choose not to meet her.
  • Or choose to meet her, but choose not to hang out with them past that brief meeting.
  • Or choose to meet her, and later choose to hang out. Like you guys could sometimes hang out as a group and do dinner and movie or whatever.
  • It does NOT automatically mean you have to group sex.

YOU are the one in charge of your behavior and how you choose to spend YOUR time. It isn't like he's the "boss" of you and your time.

If you don't want to see them kissing or groping or whatever in front of you -- ASK that they refrain from doing so. And if they do? Leave the room and don't go out again with them.

You could decide to continue as a "separate V" -- he sees each of you separately and you don't interact with (her) or with (him+her). Just be more up front about the things you need to know to maintain the calendar and your sex health.

Or you could choose NOT to continue with him at all. Because you do not want to be in any poly things with him. So... you could decide it is time to stop dating him.

I'm sorry you feel overwhelmed and freaking out. It's a lot to take in.

Remember you have control of YOUR behavior and what YOU choose to do/not do. Your consent to participate or not in things belongs to YOU.

You sound like you kinda of "floated into something" that you said you didn't want originally. And now you are freaking out and crying. That's a clue that this isn't going how you hoped. :( And maybe you decide that "floating along" isn't something you want to do any more. Maybe you want to be more assertive in the future.

If it were me, I wouldn't continue with him. I do not enjoy being kept in the dark/lies of omission. I would also be more firm about what I choose to participate/not participate in. Not "float along" into things.

There's also a certain personality that enjoys "games." I would wonder if he's one of them. Like getting you to date him when you said you don't want poly was the first "challenge." Getting you in bed was the next. Now this GF business and getting you to "accept" that is the next challenge. Might be fun for him if he's that type of "games" person. Not so hot for you.

I don't know if he's playing games or what.

I do think this "in the dark stuff" is not treating you (or her) respectfully. :(

I also think "floating along" (if that's how you ended up here) is a behavior you could stop doing if you find it isn't serving you well.

I hope things get better for you one way or another. I'm sorry you are hurting right now. :(

Galagirl
 
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Hmmmmm. Sounds familiar. Have a week to yourself thinking about what you want and your boundaries and then go back to him with them. Explain to him what's right for you and get him to adapt to you for a change x
 
PollyNymA said:
Hmmmmm. Sounds familiar. Have a week to yourself thinking about what you want and your boundaries and then go back to him with them. Explain to him what's right for you and get him to adapt to you for a change x
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No one needs to adapt to anyone, necessarily, and CERTAINLY I recommend against coming at the issue from a position of revenge like this.

All that needs to happen is some calm, honest communication about what the existing expectations are, what the fears are, and come together with a plan to see where we go from here. It can be difficult, certainly for folks who are not practiced in this kind of frank expression, but it is a worthwhile thing to get better at - I assure you.
 
Hi Daydream,

It's important to know that there are many different ways to practice polyamory. The only way to find out how your guy practices polyamory is to ask him. Of course, you don't have to keep dating him if his way of practicing poly does not suit you. You'll have to make that call.

It sounds like you want to meet his other poly girlfriend, you are just feeling very nervous about it. Hang in there and take it one step at a time. In all likelihood, she is also feeling very nervous about meeting you.

I hope that helps,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Daydream,

I feel that you are struggling with feelings of betrayal of trust. Although he was upfront about being polyamorous, I feel that you perhaps secretly hoped that it was a passing phase of his and certainly from your point of view, you had seen your relationship as monogamous. I feel that he must have known this on some level but did not want to inform you otherwise until he was well and truly involved with both of you. Bad boy. As Ravenscroft said, Kudos to him for letting you know up front of his poly intentions, but he really sucked at open and honest communication, and violated one of the strong foundations of polyamory. In the end, he didn't actually practice polyamory - he practiced non consensual non monogamy. Now, he's trying to introduce you to polyamory but what a horrible way to start the process.

He f**** up and has hurt you in the process. You feel betrayed. You feel as if she knows a lot about you and you've only just heard about her. I feel that your hurt is probably why you either asked for a picture of her or he volunteered one. Regardless, knowing that she knows about you and you don't know about her must make your heart feel as if he confides or shares more with her than with you. It hurts. You didn't want this.

There's no easy way through this hurt, Daydream. I feel similarly and classify my emotions as a reaction to my wife's affair. That term may not be applicable to your situation. You may have to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of what you used to have. During this time, have a look at the relationship you and your partner have as well as the factors that led the two of you to be so closed about such an important topic. Probably his fault. But be open to the things that you might have done that contributed to it as well. Being polyamorous will certainly much more advanced and improved communication skills between you. At the end of this grief period, look to see what it is that you still have. Maybe you can do polyamory with him. Maybe the hurt is too much and he will recognise a mistake on his part and break it off with other girl. Maybe he will recognise a mistake on his part but you forgive him for it and you 3 continue on. Maybe the hurt is too much for you and he is not helping you enough to overcome your hurt and you break it off with him.

You are in a difficult position. Hang in there. Look after yourself. Sleep well. We're all here to help you even if our advice sometimes suck because we don't understand your situation as well as we think we do. Good luck.

-Shaya
 
Shaya said:
Maybe the hurt is too much and he will recognise a mistake on his part and break it off with other girl.
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As a little note on an otherwise nice post, I just want to say that recognizing Daydreams hurt and his mistake in withdrawing information is in no way implying that breaking it off with the other is the right way to make amends. When hurt we feel entitled to get what we want, but that is rarely the "fair" solution. The only thing that should clearly happen is much more disclosure in the future.
 
There are actually three issues at least:

Daydream said:
When he first told me he was poly, I told him that I was NOT. Well, we have been "hanging out" for over a year now. Almost inseparable at times. Mental Issue #1The other night, he was holding me in bed and told me he'd like for me to meet his poly girlfriend--I didn't even know there was a poly gf in his life. I don't know how I feel about it.
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It is good he told you he was poly upfront, but discovering a girlfriend out of the blue after being together for over a year doesn't scream honesty. So you being unnerved is natural. Him having multiple lovers doesn't mean that you don't have a right to the information you need to know about him in order to feel secure in your relationship.

I LOVE THIS MAN...more than I did my ex that I was with for 10 years, but I am so scared--I have seen pictures of her. She's pretty and skinny. I think I am pretty, but I am definitely NOT skinny.
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This appears to be an issue for you, but it is a non-issue in my opinion. You may have seen the girlfriend's photos for the first time now, but he obviously knows her and is still with you anyway. So he finds you attractive regardless of how she looks. No reason for that to change because you see her photographs or meet her. In my opinion, looks are overrated in romantic relationships. What people find attractive in another for a relationship is rarely about looks though they could be a reason for initial interest.

Mental Issue #2 So, if I meet her, I don't even know what would happen after that. I don't know what/who I would be in the "relationship"--or if it would be a "relationship," or if I would even be in it. I am freaking out because I don't know what to expect, but I feel so uncomfortable even talking about it to anyone. I'm crying just typing this. If I "try" it, do they kiss and love on each other in front of me--or would it be just them and I would be somewhere else? There are a lot of things I am uncertain about and would love to get cleared up.
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I think you are intimidated by this whole poly thing and imagine that there are rules you have to obey, etc. Polyamory isn't another planet. Just like any other social situation, you can't be forced to accept something you cannot. If this means you do not want to see PDAs till you say you are okay with them - if ever - then that is absolutely fine to make clear to your partner.

I think you are crying because you feel out of control and feel forced to accept something you anticipate finding unpleasant if you want to keep the man. In my view, a man who'd force something unpleasant on you isn't worth keeping. It is time to speak with him about your comfort zone as something needing respect in the relationship, just like his being polyamorous - including whether you are okay with the idea of meeting her at all or not.

I suspect you'd feel less traumatized about meeting her if you feel like you are not required to do or accept anything you normally wouldn't. She is just another person. And if you still don't want to see her, that is fine too. No rule says that you have to meet or have any kind of relationship with people your poly partner is involved with.
 
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