Trying to understand

[JaneQSmythe]

It is not realistic to expect your husband not to have sex with people he is dating. Basically you are sayong you don't want him to be poly.

Define SEX. Define DATING. What qualifies as ROMANTIC? vs PLATONIC?

If we are deconstructing how we conceptualize relationships than let us go the whole way.

I could definitely envision myself dating an asexual poly person and never having what someone else defines as "sex" and feeling that our intimacy transcends what others would identify as platonic.

PS. Pardon me for being in a weird mood today. My definition of "poly" is rather broad - because my definition of love is rather broad. LOVE =/= SEX in my book. These are concepts that CAN overlap but don't have to...

 

[vinsanity0]

Define SEX. Define DATING. What qualifies as ROMANTIC? vs PLATONIC?

If we are deconstructing how we conceptualize relationships than let us go the whole way.

I could definitely envision myself dating an asexual poly person and never having what someone else defines as "sex" and feeling that our intimacy transcends what others would identify as platonic.

PS. Pardon me for being in a weird mood today. My definition of "poly" is rather broad - because my definition of love is rather broad. LOVE =/= SEX in my book. These are concepts that CAN overlap but don't have to...

Interesting, but I don't see sex as a concept. I'm not sure why you put it in quotation marks. To me, sex is sex. I agree that love and sex are not the same thing.

I have a lady friend I go out with. It is a platonic relationship. There is no goal for it to become more than that. I don't consider that dating. I consider it hanging out with a friend. I don't know any asexual people so I don't know what that would be like. I suspect I would just consider them a friend.

I made my remark because he initially wanted to swing. He wanted to have sex with another woman. That might be his only goal.

 

[FallenAngelina]

.... one rule that I have adamantly made clear to is no sexual contact with the other person. I have my reasons why this isn't an option and have voiced them to him.

I think it would help the discussion if you shared your reasons here because this is a very unusual stipulation. Do you mean no sexual contact for the time being, while you acclimate and educate yourself, or no sexual contact ever?

 

[Krissy]

I think it would help the discussion if you shared your reasons here because this is a very unusual stipulation. Do you mean no sexual contact for the time being, while you acclimate and educate yourself, or no sexual contact ever?

My reason is that about 8 years ago I was diagnosed with stage 1(precancerous) cervical cells from HPV. If I hadn't gone through treatment (which thankfully did not include chemo since they were precancerous and caught really early thank to yearly exams) they would have become full blown cancer and it would have been much worse. I am not willing to deal with anther STD and having multiple partners highly increases those chances. Condoms does not prevent them all and at times you can get swept up in the moment and fail to put one on or continue in spite of not having one. So my reason is for the most part for my health. Right now I am pretty much set on ever. I understand that some include sex in with the feeling of love. To me it doesn't have to include sex however I can't have sex with someone who I don't love. I've just never been able to. Which is the main reason I've had less sex partners than I have fingers on one hand. Maybe that makes me a prude but I'm okay with that because it is part of who I am.


Him and I have been educating ourselves and have A LOT of open dialog. We are figuring out what works for us and how we can acclimate to the "new" us. We have made a lot of progress in this aspect of our lives. I've ordered books, read through this forum, looked at things on line, shared things with him I've come across, read what he's sent me, talked to a member on here that is in a similar situation I am in (which has been a MAJOR help to me), as talked to him a lot about how we both feel and where we can go from here. Neither one of us is trying to change the other but we have a whole new understanding for each other. This has actually brought us closer to each other. It's all still in the beginning stages of figuring it all out but we are getting there baby step by baby step.