Here's the story. I'm a wife and mother of four. My husband and I have been married for thirteen years. (Together for fifteen) I'm trying to learn about this lifestyle because my husband expressed his desire to not only be with another woman, but that he wanted to try and have a child with another woman. He wants me to accept another woman into our family. I'm rather confused about how I feel about it, but I want to make my husband happy. I'm a very insecure woman myself, and worry greatly about him falling more deeply I'm love with another, than he is with me. If that's selfish, I don't know how to change it. My problem isn't even that he'll be having sex with someone else. It's that I can't give him another child. That scares the very life out of me! No matter what though, I'm trying...
trying
- Thread starter ravynne
- Start date
Greetings ravynne,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Oh dear, you do have a challenge set before you. Gosh there is so much to learn about polyamory. I am glad you have joined our site, though I also hope you won't mind doing lots of reading (and posting your questions and such). You're not alone; many people have faced the same kind of difficulties you're facing (and have often come out on top!). So hang in there.
I should give you fair warning, that if (when?) your husband does meet a second woman, he will likely enter into a period of NRE: New Relationship Energy. Think of it as the honeymoon phase. It is a wonderful thing (for him!) to experience. All the world will seem to glow. The Sun will be brighter. Rainbows and butterflies will fill the air. He will be in awe of the new woman, and he might rhapsodize to you about her more than he ought to. You see, NRE is a little like alcohol. It can give you a great high, but it also impairs your judgment.
I don't mean to alarm you by saying all that; I just want to prepare you for it. When it happens, don't panic, don't suppose he's about to "trade you in for the 'better' model," and try not to take it personally. NRE is a hormonal thing that happens to humans; it can't be helped. It's Nature's way of solidifying a new romance (and encouraging it to stick in spite of personality differences). And it will wear off ... though it could take a year or two. (With luck it'll ease off after two to six months.)
In the meantime, you need to help him keep his feet on the ground when he's floating up in the air. If he starts rhapsodizing about her too much, say, "Hey, knock it off, hubs. What am I, chopped liver?" If he starts neglecting you and spending overly much time with her, tell him, "Dude, I'm your wife. When are you going to start spending a decent amount of quality time with me? and quit texting her all the time when it's supposed to be just you and me!" Yes, you'll have to become a bit of a nag, and stand up for your romantic rights. Trust me, it's good for him too. He won't do you wrong on purpose, and when you tap him with a reality check, he'll probably say, "Oh yeah. Sorry."
Let's say that "NRE" is today's official lecture, and I encourage you to seek out many more lectures about the various aspects of poly. When is it good, when is it bad, what are the do's, what are the don'ts. So much to learn.
I really think you have a sweet and generous attitude about it so far. I am in awe of that; this is not an easy proposition that your husband is propositioning you with.
I always come back to the intro board so if you ever need to ping me, post right here in this thread and I'll respond. I'm pulling for you, and I'll bet lots of other members here are too!
With much admiration and regards,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Oh dear, you do have a challenge set before you. Gosh there is so much to learn about polyamory. I am glad you have joined our site, though I also hope you won't mind doing lots of reading (and posting your questions and such). You're not alone; many people have faced the same kind of difficulties you're facing (and have often come out on top!). So hang in there.
I should give you fair warning, that if (when?) your husband does meet a second woman, he will likely enter into a period of NRE: New Relationship Energy. Think of it as the honeymoon phase. It is a wonderful thing (for him!) to experience. All the world will seem to glow. The Sun will be brighter. Rainbows and butterflies will fill the air. He will be in awe of the new woman, and he might rhapsodize to you about her more than he ought to. You see, NRE is a little like alcohol. It can give you a great high, but it also impairs your judgment.
I don't mean to alarm you by saying all that; I just want to prepare you for it. When it happens, don't panic, don't suppose he's about to "trade you in for the 'better' model," and try not to take it personally. NRE is a hormonal thing that happens to humans; it can't be helped. It's Nature's way of solidifying a new romance (and encouraging it to stick in spite of personality differences). And it will wear off ... though it could take a year or two. (With luck it'll ease off after two to six months.)
In the meantime, you need to help him keep his feet on the ground when he's floating up in the air. If he starts rhapsodizing about her too much, say, "Hey, knock it off, hubs. What am I, chopped liver?" If he starts neglecting you and spending overly much time with her, tell him, "Dude, I'm your wife. When are you going to start spending a decent amount of quality time with me? and quit texting her all the time when it's supposed to be just you and me!" Yes, you'll have to become a bit of a nag, and stand up for your romantic rights. Trust me, it's good for him too. He won't do you wrong on purpose, and when you tap him with a reality check, he'll probably say, "Oh yeah. Sorry."
Let's say that "NRE" is today's official lecture, and I encourage you to seek out many more lectures about the various aspects of poly. When is it good, when is it bad, what are the do's, what are the don'ts. So much to learn.
I really think you have a sweet and generous attitude about it so far. I am in awe of that; this is not an easy proposition that your husband is propositioning you with.
I always come back to the intro board so if you ever need to ping me, post right here in this thread and I'll respond. I'm pulling for you, and I'll bet lots of other members here are too!
With much admiration and regards,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!