Tsuki
New member
I feel like Louie in the beginning of "Interview with a Vampire";
"So, you want me to tell you the story of my life? You'd have to have a lot of tape for my story. Shall we begin like David Copperfield... I was born, I grew up... or shall we begin when I was born to darkness, as I call it? That's really where we should start, don't you think?" In my particular case however, I was 'born to light'...
I was born biologically male. I lived like most boys, I had my bullies, and my friends, and my homework, and my bike. I never really fit in very well, so I was always a victim as I grew up. I discovered I was, 'different' at the tender age of 12. I wanted to dress in my mothers clothes, wear her shoes, shave my legs... My dad was very homophobic in those days, and did his best to shame me in front of the rest of the family. I was an outcast in society, and in my own home. After many years of bottling up all my frustrations and sexual confusion, I learned to tuck it away and swallow it deep... and keep it hidden so I could pretend to be 'normal'.
Throughout high school, I never had any relationships, beyond a semi-steady group of male friends... most of them outcasts from society themselves. We used to sit outside my chemistry class at lunch and play "Magic: the Gathering" when it first came out (yes, I am hella old). It was easy to fit in, because no one fit in... and no one had ever had a girlfriend... so we didn't sweat each other about it. We nerded it up, and it was a nice relief from everyday life.
My college years were a little easier, as everyone was entirely too busy to give any fucks about me. I shuffled around campus, avoiding eye contact with anyone in an effort not to stand out. I worked 2 jobs and got myself an online girlfriend at the age of 20... my very first. We thought we were in love and we arranged to meet each other a few times over the next year. We had sex for the first time on our 3rd meeting, and we were both virgins. I will spare you the gory details, but I learned 2 very valuable lessons that day:
1. 2 virgins should NEVER have sex with each other.
2. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't... finish.
I had been going 'solo' ever since my very first erection at 12... but I wasn't able to finish with another human being. My brain was so occupied with pleasing my partner, that I just couldn't take any pleasure for myself. For many years after that first experience, it was a consistent disappointment for me, and my partner. I could finish... occasionally, but only about 1/3 of the time. Sex always became an elephant in the room with me and my ex's. They would tell me it was fine, and experience taught me it was never fine, and so I couldn't escape my own mind, and it more often than not, led to total failure in the bedroom. I gave up on serious relationships after that, and I lived on my own for a year.
During my time living alone... I bought some female clothing items, and some sexual paraphernalia to revisit my secret feelings. The more I dressed up, the more often I would have dreams of being female, secret longings to know what being penetrated felt like, to go outside my door and let the world see who I was inside. I didn't however, because the sheer notion of doing such a thing seemed ridiculous and impossible. The shame foundation my father lay upon my heart all those years ago, was unshakable at this point in my life. I dressed and fantasized only in secret.
I moved in with a friend in my early 20s and we spent most of our time completely stoned. We would go through a dub a day, and wake up high, go to work high, go to bed high and do it again the next day. I was high easily 85% of the time in those days. I worked at a gas station, took up smoking weed/cigarettes and drinking so much that I would throw up a couple times a week. My friend and I were the 'party house' that all the 18 yo kids would stop by and drink and smoke themselves stupid. While those days were filled with parties and non-stop irresponsibility and fun, I was still miserable and closeted most of the time. The constant buzz was a nice way to distract myself from real life. I ended up in several casual relationships with girls that were just looking for a fuck buddy, and I was committed to having as many uncommitted relationships as I could, in those days.
I ended up hooking up with a man I met online, as more of a personal fantasy fulfillment. I was on a mission, I wanted to be submissive, I wanted to know what it was like to be penetrated and to not have the pressure to perform, and just let my partner take me. I was really heavy into 'furrydom' and I was wearing dog collars and going by animal names and associating with some rather interesting characters. I got so deep into the subculture, that I was actually submitting artwork to furry comics and doing collabs with popular furry artists. This man I met online, was sorta sketchy, and a shit ton of red flags were flying, but I was desperate for the experience and so I went anyway. He specialized in devirginizing young boys and as a badge of honor, he would give you a number to show which one you were. He was also very emotionally possessive and would e-mail me frequently to remind me that I 'belonged' to him. Sorry sir, but no.
Despite the shady experience, I didn't regret it... in fact, to this day I am proud I went through with it. I learned a lot about myself, and I really did enjoy just letting go and doing something just for me. However, I wasn't attracted to men in the least, and other than the pleasure of the experience itself, I wasn't interested in having additional experiences. I said my goodbyes and moved on with my life. Around this time, I was starting a new job, and I had taken on 2 lovers simultaneously. The agreement between us, was that they didn't want to know anything about each other. When I was with one, the other didn't exist. I was still smoking a lot of weed, and being with 2 partners boosted my confidence level for a while. I was having sex on a daily basis, and I almost never slept at home. My confidence, and the weed did wonders to enhance my lovemaking abilities. I would finish 95% of the time and in a surprising turn, one of my partners experienced female ejaculation for the first time in her life. Long after our relationship came to an end, she happily reported to me that I was still the only one ever consistently able to do that to her. I won't lie, it was a confidence booster.
I ended up falling in love with a girl, and we ended up moving in together. I stopped smoking weed, helped raise her kids, and started moving up in my job to provide for my new family. We ended up having a 4th child, together, and this is around the time that shit started getting weird... Our sex life was pretty amazing the first few years we lived together, but I wasn't smoking week anymore, so the thoughts of inadequacy came back gradually with each bedroom failure. I became sullen, and she became angry on occasion. When we drank together to enhance the mood, sometimes it would build to a head and she would let out all her pent up aggression, and I would get depressed and pass out intentionally to avoid fighting. I retreated back into my private fantasies and dress up while she was at work, and the kids were at school. She discovered my 'stash' of clothes n' things, and began to ask uncomfortable questions, and I tried to cover it up but she pressed on. I confessed everything to her over lunch one day on Valentines. She seemed genuinely curious and almost aroused as I explained everything. I poured out my heart and soul and she quietly listened, only stopping me to ask the occasional question.
I thought that I had finally found a real outlet for my darkest secrets, and for a brief period, she seemed very interested. We discussed it at length, and even played with me dressing up in the bedroom... but it soon became weird again. I still wouldn't be able to finish consistently and she would still get frustrated. I try to look at it from her standpoint... after all, how would I feel if I could have an orgasm, but I couldn't give her one no matter how hard I tried. I am certain I would begin feeling frustrated and inadequate. After 10 years of disappointing sex, we began sleeping apart. My son slept in bed with her, and I slept on the couch. We began drifting apart, and it wasn't long before we stopped kissing, or hugging, or even cuddling. Our relationship was pretty much lost. During this transitional period in our relationship, I was becoming more and more miserable, and I was angry and unhappy all the time. My ex suggested I get some help, and so I did. I began seeing a therapist who really helped me try to figure out what was wrong with me, and why I was so unhappy. I pretty much told him the very same story I am writing here, and he was intrigued. He asked me if I had considered the possibility that I might be a woman.
"So, you want me to tell you the story of my life? You'd have to have a lot of tape for my story. Shall we begin like David Copperfield... I was born, I grew up... or shall we begin when I was born to darkness, as I call it? That's really where we should start, don't you think?" In my particular case however, I was 'born to light'...
I was born biologically male. I lived like most boys, I had my bullies, and my friends, and my homework, and my bike. I never really fit in very well, so I was always a victim as I grew up. I discovered I was, 'different' at the tender age of 12. I wanted to dress in my mothers clothes, wear her shoes, shave my legs... My dad was very homophobic in those days, and did his best to shame me in front of the rest of the family. I was an outcast in society, and in my own home. After many years of bottling up all my frustrations and sexual confusion, I learned to tuck it away and swallow it deep... and keep it hidden so I could pretend to be 'normal'.
Throughout high school, I never had any relationships, beyond a semi-steady group of male friends... most of them outcasts from society themselves. We used to sit outside my chemistry class at lunch and play "Magic: the Gathering" when it first came out (yes, I am hella old). It was easy to fit in, because no one fit in... and no one had ever had a girlfriend... so we didn't sweat each other about it. We nerded it up, and it was a nice relief from everyday life.
My college years were a little easier, as everyone was entirely too busy to give any fucks about me. I shuffled around campus, avoiding eye contact with anyone in an effort not to stand out. I worked 2 jobs and got myself an online girlfriend at the age of 20... my very first. We thought we were in love and we arranged to meet each other a few times over the next year. We had sex for the first time on our 3rd meeting, and we were both virgins. I will spare you the gory details, but I learned 2 very valuable lessons that day:
1. 2 virgins should NEVER have sex with each other.
2. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't... finish.
I had been going 'solo' ever since my very first erection at 12... but I wasn't able to finish with another human being. My brain was so occupied with pleasing my partner, that I just couldn't take any pleasure for myself. For many years after that first experience, it was a consistent disappointment for me, and my partner. I could finish... occasionally, but only about 1/3 of the time. Sex always became an elephant in the room with me and my ex's. They would tell me it was fine, and experience taught me it was never fine, and so I couldn't escape my own mind, and it more often than not, led to total failure in the bedroom. I gave up on serious relationships after that, and I lived on my own for a year.
During my time living alone... I bought some female clothing items, and some sexual paraphernalia to revisit my secret feelings. The more I dressed up, the more often I would have dreams of being female, secret longings to know what being penetrated felt like, to go outside my door and let the world see who I was inside. I didn't however, because the sheer notion of doing such a thing seemed ridiculous and impossible. The shame foundation my father lay upon my heart all those years ago, was unshakable at this point in my life. I dressed and fantasized only in secret.
I moved in with a friend in my early 20s and we spent most of our time completely stoned. We would go through a dub a day, and wake up high, go to work high, go to bed high and do it again the next day. I was high easily 85% of the time in those days. I worked at a gas station, took up smoking weed/cigarettes and drinking so much that I would throw up a couple times a week. My friend and I were the 'party house' that all the 18 yo kids would stop by and drink and smoke themselves stupid. While those days were filled with parties and non-stop irresponsibility and fun, I was still miserable and closeted most of the time. The constant buzz was a nice way to distract myself from real life. I ended up in several casual relationships with girls that were just looking for a fuck buddy, and I was committed to having as many uncommitted relationships as I could, in those days.
I ended up hooking up with a man I met online, as more of a personal fantasy fulfillment. I was on a mission, I wanted to be submissive, I wanted to know what it was like to be penetrated and to not have the pressure to perform, and just let my partner take me. I was really heavy into 'furrydom' and I was wearing dog collars and going by animal names and associating with some rather interesting characters. I got so deep into the subculture, that I was actually submitting artwork to furry comics and doing collabs with popular furry artists. This man I met online, was sorta sketchy, and a shit ton of red flags were flying, but I was desperate for the experience and so I went anyway. He specialized in devirginizing young boys and as a badge of honor, he would give you a number to show which one you were. He was also very emotionally possessive and would e-mail me frequently to remind me that I 'belonged' to him. Sorry sir, but no.
Despite the shady experience, I didn't regret it... in fact, to this day I am proud I went through with it. I learned a lot about myself, and I really did enjoy just letting go and doing something just for me. However, I wasn't attracted to men in the least, and other than the pleasure of the experience itself, I wasn't interested in having additional experiences. I said my goodbyes and moved on with my life. Around this time, I was starting a new job, and I had taken on 2 lovers simultaneously. The agreement between us, was that they didn't want to know anything about each other. When I was with one, the other didn't exist. I was still smoking a lot of weed, and being with 2 partners boosted my confidence level for a while. I was having sex on a daily basis, and I almost never slept at home. My confidence, and the weed did wonders to enhance my lovemaking abilities. I would finish 95% of the time and in a surprising turn, one of my partners experienced female ejaculation for the first time in her life. Long after our relationship came to an end, she happily reported to me that I was still the only one ever consistently able to do that to her. I won't lie, it was a confidence booster.
I ended up falling in love with a girl, and we ended up moving in together. I stopped smoking weed, helped raise her kids, and started moving up in my job to provide for my new family. We ended up having a 4th child, together, and this is around the time that shit started getting weird... Our sex life was pretty amazing the first few years we lived together, but I wasn't smoking week anymore, so the thoughts of inadequacy came back gradually with each bedroom failure. I became sullen, and she became angry on occasion. When we drank together to enhance the mood, sometimes it would build to a head and she would let out all her pent up aggression, and I would get depressed and pass out intentionally to avoid fighting. I retreated back into my private fantasies and dress up while she was at work, and the kids were at school. She discovered my 'stash' of clothes n' things, and began to ask uncomfortable questions, and I tried to cover it up but she pressed on. I confessed everything to her over lunch one day on Valentines. She seemed genuinely curious and almost aroused as I explained everything. I poured out my heart and soul and she quietly listened, only stopping me to ask the occasional question.
I thought that I had finally found a real outlet for my darkest secrets, and for a brief period, she seemed very interested. We discussed it at length, and even played with me dressing up in the bedroom... but it soon became weird again. I still wouldn't be able to finish consistently and she would still get frustrated. I try to look at it from her standpoint... after all, how would I feel if I could have an orgasm, but I couldn't give her one no matter how hard I tried. I am certain I would begin feeling frustrated and inadequate. After 10 years of disappointing sex, we began sleeping apart. My son slept in bed with her, and I slept on the couch. We began drifting apart, and it wasn't long before we stopped kissing, or hugging, or even cuddling. Our relationship was pretty much lost. During this transitional period in our relationship, I was becoming more and more miserable, and I was angry and unhappy all the time. My ex suggested I get some help, and so I did. I began seeing a therapist who really helped me try to figure out what was wrong with me, and why I was so unhappy. I pretty much told him the very same story I am writing here, and he was intrigued. He asked me if I had considered the possibility that I might be a woman.
It was really interesting to read about your story and I am wholeheartedly rooting for you on your newfound path to yourself. 
