Turns out she's not as comfortable as she said she was
- Thread starter A2Poly
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IndieSolo
Active member
Have you asked Djinn what steps and inner work she is doing to deal with her issues about this? It shouldn't be entirely on your shoulders to step back and take care of her when she's been dishonest about her feelings all this time. You and Mal have gotten more entangled, and mean a lot to each other - you can't get the genie back in the bottle now. I don't think it's right that you should scale it back unless she makes an effort too.
A2Poly
New member
I don't have to ask, we had a lot of talks about it this weekend. I know she is working as hard as she can. She's started councelling and has been to a few sessions already, both with Mal and on her own. And this level of talking is, by itself, a huge step. As is realizing that she is pushing past her own boundaries to try and make us happy.
As Mal and I have been coming out of NRE we've been realizing our 'level' is something less than she thinks it is. Talking it out this weekend we realized that it pretty well falls inside her definition of 'freinds'. It was MY definition of 'freinds' that was too restrictive. And he was jumping between us trying to make us both happy.
I kept 'pushing' things because 'if we are partners then we should...make decisions together about money, or have long term plans, or whatever. And it felt hard. And Mal was willing to do the work because he thought I wanted it. But I think I wanted it because it's what 'partners do'. Not because it was something I needed.
I'm not 'settling'. I love him, and I love her, and I want us all to be happy. Right now this level feels right. We tried something more intense for 6 months, and it didn't make us happy. Time to pull back, rework it and see what happens. Defining it as FWB by her terms feels ok. I'm still important and valued by them both. And she feels more secure, and actually so do I.
As Mal and I have been coming out of NRE we've been realizing our 'level' is something less than she thinks it is. Talking it out this weekend we realized that it pretty well falls inside her definition of 'freinds'. It was MY definition of 'freinds' that was too restrictive. And he was jumping between us trying to make us both happy.
I kept 'pushing' things because 'if we are partners then we should...make decisions together about money, or have long term plans, or whatever. And it felt hard. And Mal was willing to do the work because he thought I wanted it. But I think I wanted it because it's what 'partners do'. Not because it was something I needed.
I'm not 'settling'. I love him, and I love her, and I want us all to be happy. Right now this level feels right. We tried something more intense for 6 months, and it didn't make us happy. Time to pull back, rework it and see what happens. Defining it as FWB by her terms feels ok. I'm still important and valued by them both. And she feels more secure, and actually so do I.
A2Poly
New member
Hashing out what it means to each of us is a tiring and arduous process. Questioning each word, how do you define 'friend', 'lover', 'partner'. Is *this* a problem, or *that*? Do you want *this* or *the other thing*...
Latest hiccup: she was really reluctant to allow us any alone time at all while I was at their house two weeks ago. I hadn't noticed it, but Mal brought it up today when we were talking. I knew I was there as a 'friend', and didn't have any expectations of alone time, but apparently she felt like there was an undertone of always wanting to sneak away to have alone moments. I honestly didn't think that at all. I think she's projecting, and thinking about it more, I wonder if it wasn't some paranoia from the pot? I've heard that some of the new stuff can cause that.
The thing is, I actually like being his friend. Just. Platonically. The sex is fun and what ever, but I'm just not sexual enough for it to be a big deal. I didn't have it for almost ten years, I don't feel any great *need* for it. He does more than I do (well, most people do, so no surprise) but even he wasn't thinking I those terms that weekend. And 'sneak'??! We've never hid anything it wouldn't occur to me to start.
Latest hiccup: she was really reluctant to allow us any alone time at all while I was at their house two weeks ago. I hadn't noticed it, but Mal brought it up today when we were talking. I knew I was there as a 'friend', and didn't have any expectations of alone time, but apparently she felt like there was an undertone of always wanting to sneak away to have alone moments. I honestly didn't think that at all. I think she's projecting, and thinking about it more, I wonder if it wasn't some paranoia from the pot? I've heard that some of the new stuff can cause that.
The thing is, I actually like being his friend. Just. Platonically. The sex is fun and what ever, but I'm just not sexual enough for it to be a big deal. I didn't have it for almost ten years, I don't feel any great *need* for it. He does more than I do (well, most people do, so no surprise) but even he wasn't thinking I those terms that weekend. And 'sneak'??! We've never hid anything it wouldn't occur to me to start.