Two options. Trying to understand choice.

[Astirarose]

So, My husband and I went through the LDR/Quad attempt debacle.

I tried to link it here, the thread. Anyhow it didnt end well.

We talked and have been working through it, that was just over a month ago.

We decided to go ahead and look or be open to partners here in our town.

Again Husband found someone first (OkCupid) This was about 2 1/2 weeks ago. They decided to get together at a meetup we all went to (He and I had already planned to go to this, and she decided to join so they could meet and talk in person.).

It went smoothly, they clicked and set up a date for a week later (last Friday).

They had their date, it was tricky for me (My first dealing with a date). But I was ok in the end.

So, I did ask that the next one, since it was hard (and we removed all restrictions other then safety type ones) if I could arrange to have a friend here to distract me. Knowing sex is a possibility, not likely but we removed all restrictions so.

There became two options.

1st option was that her and her husband come out to our house (were about an hour away) so he can keep me company (platonically) and help me through if I need support. And husband and Date can go out somewhere areound here for a while (park, coffee).

Option two, is that Husband goes down to her house. I wont have anyone here. And obviously a home provides more privacy.

This is the second date.

He chose the latter? He knows the first is easier for me. And it gives everyone something that they want or need.

Ok.. SO... Please.. Help me wrap my head around this, because again I'm taking it personally.

To me it feels that what he wants to do with her is more important to him, than taking a slightly less desirable set up so that its not too difficult for me. Less desirable because he wont be in a private home.

They are already setting up dates for the next month ahead of time as well, so its not like there wont be other dates. She is really into him.

So someone help me work through this please.

 

[PinkPig]

Considering how things went last time, with the attempted quad, I can understand why your husband would choose not to follow a similar pattern (of having you spend time with the husband.) Can you have a friend come stay with you instead? Or, go out with a friend? Get a good book or movie to watch? Anything you'd enjoy that you'd be less likely to do with your husband around? In the early days, that's how I distracted myself when Blue had a date....did something fun or special just for me.

 

[Emm]

Who came up with the 2 options? Did the husband (who it sounds like you've never met) volunteer to look after you, or did someone else suggest it? If you'd asked for a friend to stay with you in case you needed distraction, why would you agree to have a complete stranger there instead?

 

[Amarna]

Like above I'm curious who came up with those two options? I sometimes have friends over when my husband is out on a date, do you have friends that could visit instead while he's out? I would try not to take it personally, him choosing to do what both of them want to do on their date is certainly reasonable, IMO.

 

[Marcus]

He chose the latter? He knows the first is easier for me. And it gives everyone something that they want or need.

Compromise, the art of making sure everyone is suffering equally.

Personally I don't find value in this approach to dealing with my loved ones and our varying desires. I prefer for people to do what is best for them, that which brings them the highest potential for happiness/flourishing/enjoyment.

In your situation this seems really easy... just have a friend over. Right?
Maybe you and your friend can go to a park or get some coffee.

 

[Astirarose]

Considering how things went last time, with the attempted quad, I can understand why your husband would choose not to follow a similar pattern (of having you spend time with the husband.) Can you have a friend come stay with you instead? Or, go out with a friend? Get a good book or movie to watch? Anything you'd enjoy that you'd be less likely to do with your husband around? In the early days, that's how I distracted myself when Blue had a date....did something fun or special just for me.

The husband is coming over just as a friend. My husband is not against this. It was suggested that GF Husband come over, even if my Huabnd went down to her house (So that is not a factor in what they decided) I have made it VERY clear that I'm not interested in trying a quad situation. I've told her, and her husband. But honestly I think all of us are gun shy on trying that, since we all had similar experiences with it.

 

[Astirarose]

Compromise, the art of making sure everyone is suffering equally.

Personally I don't find value in this approach to dealing with my loved ones and our varying desires. I prefer for people to do what is best for them, that which brings them the highest potential for happiness/flourishing/enjoyment.

In your situation this seems really easy... just have a friend over. Right?
Maybe you and your friend can go to a park or get some coffee.

It does, except I dont know anyone around here.

They decided for us (all 4) to meet for dinner, and then they are going to a park nearby while her husband is going to chill with me at the house. (Again her husband and I are just friends) They are more experienced in Poly, a couple years. They also went through almost the same Quad situation, so No one is interested in trying to do that again.

She (GF) came up with this solution,it was between her and my Husband. In case anyone thought I was part of the discussion (I wasnt).

They want all 4 of us to get to know each other on at least a friend level. Gf and my husband are hitting it off really good right now.

 

[Marcus]

It does, except I dont know anyone around here.

The team dating thing aside, this is likely playing a part in the issue that you are having. If you don't know a single person who could come over and sit on the couch with you and watch some TV, that is a huge problem. I don't know if you are brand new in to town and you just haven't reached out to meet new people yet, or if this is a social circle management issue - either way, I suggest leaning in to solving this. Maybe that's something you and Husband 2 can work on while Husband 1 is hanging out in a car with Wife 2.

 

[Astirarose]

The team dating thing aside, this is likely playing a part in the issue that you are having. If you don't know a single person who could come over and sit on the couch with you and watch some TV, that is a huge problem. I don't know if you are brand new in to town and you just haven't reached out to meet new people yet, or if this is a social circle management issue - either way, I suggest leaning in to solving this. Maybe that's something you and Husband 2 can work on while Husband 1 is hanging out in a car with Wife 2.

New to town.. And I'm trying to connect. We are part of a Poly meetup group, and there is a potential friend in there right now, but we havent quite gotten to that part. I think that is why GF's husband has reached out to be my "friend".

 

[Marcus]

New to town.. And I'm trying to connect. We are part of a Poly meetup group, and there is a potential friend in there right now, but we havent quite gotten to that part. I think that is why GF's husband has reached out to be my "friend".

Gotcha, being new in town sucks. It can take a while to build a tribe so I'm glad that Husband 2 is willing to reach out and try to connect with you.

 

[Astirarose]

The team dating thing aside, this is likely playing a part in the issue that you are having. If you don't know a single person who could come over and sit on the couch with you and watch some TV, that is a huge problem. I don't know if you are brand new in to town and you just haven't reached out to meet new people yet, or if this is a social circle management issue - either way, I suggest leaning in to solving this. Maybe that's something you and Husband 2 can work on while Husband 1 is hanging out in a car with Wife 2.

New to town.. And I'm trying to connect. We are part of a Poly meetup group, and there is a potential friend in there right now, but we havent quite gotten to that part. I think that is why GF's husband has reached out to be my "friend".

 

[Astirarose]

It is really feeling like all the work is being piled on me. I have tried to challenge a lot of my thoughts and insecurities in this over the past few months.

I dont feel he challenges his thoughts at all, or his views or stances, rather it feels like constant frustrations on his part that I'm not caught up.

He has a definite issue with any input from me, if I give an opinion, or voice a concern, he is most definitely likely to do the opposite and get stubborn on it for quite a while.

And I have lost count on how many times he has said lets just close this up.

At this point it feels like a manipulation (because he knows I want to work through and continue) but a manipulation to get me where he is right now.

What he seems to not realize is I have not had the "Shiney new toy" to distract me.

He has never been challenged in that way. Even with the relationship 4 years ago , he knew when I and the other guy walked out the door, absolutly no relationship stuff happened.

I'm frustrated.

Its only the second date, and I only expressed that his persistence to go to her house alone made me uncomfortable (because sex this early makes me uncomfortable) and he didnt even offer up any comfort that he had no intentions of this happening. (He admits he got stubborn about this, as he has no intentions of it happening), but he let me think this, knowing it was hard.

Now I get I Have to go through all this.. Have to work on it, have to deal with it.

Just when we decided to go ahead and start dating 2 weeks ago, I didnt expect to be faced with it just yet.

But I was trying to work through it anyway. But I constantly feel badgered for not being OK with it yet. I'm not telling him not too, but he expects me to be OK, and have no issues with it at this point. He doesn't want to deal with if I do have some issues after to resolve.

I feel like I cannot communicate any discomfort to him, before or after, because "I'm making choices for him" By expressing how I'm feeling, or how I react after.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Astirarose,

Perhaps your biggest problem is that your husband repeatedly wants to move things along faster than you can stand. Something maybe to talk to him about. Or maybe you have talked with him about it, in which case I'm curious to know how he responded/what he said.

I see that this is frustrating for you, and you're probably feeling out of sorts as well. I hope you and your husband can work something out that satisfies both of you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ArtemisHunt]

Hello!

Being alone during a new challenge can be tough, and you seem like you are very willing to work on your end of things.

But I do have to point out that from the outside (and maybe just from what you are choosing to share here) it looks like you are making other people responsible for solving part of this for you. As in, finding you company. And that you are focused on what they are and are not doing for you.

That can be a very frustrating path because it's much easier to control your own actions then other people.

When I come across a relationship challenge I like to first focus on the actions I can take for myself. What do I control and what can I do for me?

Maybe it would be more productive to focus on what you need from you more than what you need from others? I'm not saying you shouldn't receive support or keep talking! Just that maybe start thinking about what you can do for you and find some other forms of social support to take some of the pressure of your husband. It's hard to be somebody's one and only, and things can get unhealthy.

I know there are a few threads around here on keeping yourself occupied/coping while your partner is on a date: you are certainly not the first to struggle with those feelings!

So let's brainstorm ideas to keep you feeling good and to build your own social support!

Do you have any hobbies you don't normally have time for?
Any new ones you thought of starting? Maybe a social one, like a class?
Any special pampering you like to use that private time for like a massage, manicure, hot bath?
Do you like to go out to the movies? Read?
If you planned the perfect night alone, what would it include?
How have you met friends in the past?
Any other ways to reach out and get support (like this forum)?

Again, no judgements on any of you, just looking for improvement. Hope that helps!

 

[Astirarose]

As far as others finding a distraction for me (The husband) I didnt ask for it, it was offered almost immediately. I had resigned that I would be alone for the evening to deal with whatever came up on my own.

I dont know about all of this. I agree with all the thoughts, ideas, philosophies of polyamory, but my husband and I are consistently at a very different pace.

3 weeks ago, we talked about setting up profiles with Okcupid. And start to get to know people. When we talked we said we would take our time and get to know people first before sex was involved.

We both agree that a good connection is desirable to just a fling.

Now, in our area, we have been to the meetups a couple of times, and he has browsed Okcupid, and honestly we havent seen many desirable prospects.

Now he knows for a man, this can be harder and take longer (although he seems to be the exception to the rule, twice now).

This is the only girl he has seen as potential so far (But I keep reminding him, its only been 3 weeks since he put up his profile). He has had 2 women interested in him (In the past 3 weeks).

They met once at a meetup, and had one private date. This over the last 2 1/2 weeks.

I have gone on 3 dates and talked with several men, I have not found anyone so far that I would think I would take further. Have acquired an Okcupid stalker, and one man became clingy immediately on and after the date.

This all in 3 weeks.

When my husband talked about the girl he is interested in, he said she was very experienced, and she was very willing to go slow (knowing we are new).
It was comforting to know that she also had me in mind, since she had gone through an almost identical situation herself (with the quad).

She wanted to get to know me, my Dh also encouraged this. I resisted and felt it was too soon. But gave in with my phone number.

The conversation we had (although refreshingly honest compared to DH ex GF) was much much further along than I expected.

1 date and she says she is having trouble keeping her hands off of him, and she fears she will have trouble not touching or kissing him in front of me.
She also has stated she is worried "they" will slip up too soon, and cause a problem.

She all but said she was in love with him. She is most definitly heavy in NRE.

My husband is not where she is (this is what he tells me), he isnt even that sure about her yet, just trying to get to know her.

I think its her urgency, that is driving his urgency, because he fears he may not find someone else for a very long time.

She has already shown she is quick to emotion, they have already had 2 very uncomfortable misunderstandings. The one last night, my husband just wanted to call it off with her, anticipating a bad response from her.

I think my husband is making concessions because he does like her somewhat, its been the best potential he has seen so far, and he doesn't want to give up the chance that there could be potential once some of her NRE dissipates a bit.

In turn, I feel backed into a corner, and made to feel guilty, because I'm not ok yet with sexual interactions (Not that I have said no to it, but that It will be hard for me to process).

The two women he has met over the past 3 weeks, Both move extremely fast (and according to the one he is interested in, this is her moving slowly)The other woman ( met both about the same time) and she was immediately sending nudes and calling and masturbating on the phone. Tried to get him to meet her the day after they met to hookup. This turned him off to her immediately. And BOTH, want threesomes with the two of us as well.

I fear its all about him being worried about not finding someone for a long time, so he is trying to match her pace. Its not a pace I think he is even comfortable with. He mentioned he is upset that she is pushing like this, because she said she understood we wanted to take things slow.

So of course I'm getting more of the pushing, because I am the more stable relationship. I gave the reigns over to him to set his own pace.. But I cant be OK and pretend to be, before I actually am. They cant expect that. I may have a VERY hard time with it.

He asked for a change of plans for Sunday around Monday or so, and she freaked. He didnt explain it to her correctly though, so they way he posed it looked like it was a get together for the 3 of us(not sex just hanging out), but she freaked and called it off. A while later she calmed down, and they talked.

Sigh.... Everyone keeps saying I just need to find a hookup :/

 

[Marcus]

I strongly recommend re-reading ArtemisHunts post above.

Your problem is not your husband, and it certainly isn't the women he's dating.

 

[ArtemisHunt]

Hello again.

I'm sorry if it seemed like I said you asked, or if you felt judged by that. I was trying to point out what looked like your expectations of others and their responsibility in it, how you are looking outside for the solution.

At the risk of being pushy, I'd like you to consider it again and urge you to shift your focus back more to what you can control. In your last post for example, here's what I see:

You identify that you are surprised and didn't feel prepared for how quickly the dating is becoming reality.

You compare your progress to your husband's, including making assumptions/guesses to his motivation.

Then you spent a long time looking at the behaviors of the person you have the least control as if she were the cause of your feelings or your husband's behavior, and also make assumptions about her feelings and her motivations.

And you throw in few past girls and how they acted, too, and mention how others are making you feel guilty for not matching pace.

Again, not judging you. I'm trying to point it where your thoughts and focus go after you identify a feeling you want to work through.

If I were involved, I'd be scared of you. I'd worry that making others go slow, to your pace, really IS about exerting control to make yourself feel more secure.
I'd worry that you are looking at things like a battle for influence, and looking at new partners as problem causers.


These questions are just for you to ask yourself when you can, you dying have to explain here:
Deep down, do you worry that another person can push or trick your husband into doing things that damage your relationship with him? What would that look like? Do you feel like you can protect your marriage by managing his other connections? What role do other people who are not in your marriage play in how your marriage goes? Do you rank love, as in do you feel there are some ppl more important than others? Do you need to be the most important? Are there things YOU can do to strengthen your marriage and feel connected that DON'T affect other people? Things HE can do to invest in your marriage that aren't about guys new relationship?

Remember, none of these questions are accusations, just ideas that are worth looking at honestly, in yourself, when you aren't feeling defensive or threatened. For me, when I find a question like that really stings, it's a good clue I should look at it more closely.

Maybe that will help, maybe not. If nothing else I really have to say something about

Sigh.... Everyone keeps saying I just need to find a hookup :/

Oh please oh please don't feel pressured or give in to the idea that you need to hook up, or give any thought that having a shiny new person of your own will help you deal better. People aren't tools to be used, they are not bandaids for feelings, marital aids, or prizes to be fought over. It's really unethical to use a person's heart that way.

Further... Screw "them" and that line of thinking! You do YOUR relationships with a new partner at YOUR pace. It's ridiculous to expect two completely different relationships with different people to progress the same, or even to think you two have to follow the same pattern. Crazier still to decide how a relationship is going to go before you even MET your new partner!

Just like you don't control your husband's relationships outside of you, he doesn't control yours.

 

[Astirarose]

I strongly recommend re-reading ArtemisHunts post above.

Your problem is not your husband, and it certainly isn't the women he's dating.

Can you expand please?

 

[Astirarose]

Hello!

Being alone during a new challenge can be tough, and you seem like you are very willing to work on your end of things.

But I do have to point out that from the outside (and maybe just from what you are choosing to share here) it looks like you are making other people responsible for solving part of this for you. As in, finding you company. And that you are focused on what they are and are not doing for you.

I do tend to do this, focus on what they are or are not doing for me.


That can be a very frustrating path because it's much easier to control your own actions then other people.

When I come across a relationship challenge I like to first focus on the actions I can take for myself. What do I control and what can I do for me?

Yeah I tend to just get lost in whatever is bothering me rather than just trying to distract myself somehow.

Maybe it would be more productive to focus on what you need from you more than what you need from others? I'm not saying you shouldn't receive support or keep talking! Just that maybe start thinking about what you can do for you and find some other forms of social support to take some of the pressure of your husband. It's hard to be somebody's one and only, and things can get unhealthy.

I know there are a few threads around here on keeping yourself occupied/coping while your partner is on a date: you are certainly not the first to struggle with those feelings!

So let's brainstorm ideas to keep you feeling good and to build your own social support!

Do you have any hobbies you don't normally have time for?
Any new ones you thought of starting? Maybe a social one, like a class?
Any special pampering you like to use that private time for like a massage, manicure, hot bath?
Do you like to go out to the movies? Read?
If you planned the perfect night alone, what would it include?
How have you met friends in the past?
Any other ways to reach out and get support (like this forum)?

Again, no judgements on any of you, just looking for improvement. Hope that helps!

Thanks.

 

[Marcus]

Can you expand please?

Certainly.

...And that you are focused on what they are and are not doing for you.

That can be a very frustrating path because it's much easier to control your own actions then other people.

The long rant you put up, and the one before it, seem very concerned with explaining how you have been victimized by your circumstance. While I'm sure your circumstances are difficult this doesn't change the fact that very little will be accomplished by this approach.

It's not my intention to diminish your circumstance and I don't want to push too hard, but it seems to me that you can learn a lot from re-reading the post ArtemisHunt took the time to lay out for you.