Two want poly. How to ask the third?

S

Susan

New member
Hey everyone! I've gained so much from reading this forum, but I haven't been able to find anything like my situation.

How do you take two MF relationships and merge them successfully into one FFM poly romantic relationship?

My best friend Remy and I have finally come to terms with what our relationship is, after about 8 months of insisting there was nothing there. I'm just out of a 12-year marriage. He's been hurt by a few bad relationships. We said we were FWBs, but it was obvious to all of our friends that we were more.

A couple of months ago, Remy started hanging out with a new girl, Willow. It wasn't serious at first, but they have developed feelings for each other. I was hurt when he would spend time with her, and not me, and we've had some pretty good arguments about it. After the last one, I decided that I couldn't do this anymore, but I didn't want to lose him, since my feelings for him were deeper than I'd thought. Looking for some kind of an answer, I found polyamory. Everything I have read is exactly what I'm looking for-- I can love Remy, and he can love me, and it's possible for each of us to love someone else.

He and I had a talk about all of this, and I showed him everything I had found out. He said this was what he wanted with me and Willow, as he loves us both. I know the love he has for me is different from what he has for her, but that doesn't mean it's stronger or better. And he knows that I love him, but it would be possible for me to love someone else.

So here's where we need help. How does he explain this to Willow? Since none of us are poly now, what can we do to merge all of us? I know that she and I may never be best friends (or we could be more than friends). But now he has to convince a girl who is intimidated and threatened by me, because of our history, to share him with me, and even the possibility of another woman at some point.

On my part, I have no problem with Remy having a relationship with Willow. When we talked about this, we opened up to each other like never before. I have never felt more connected to him, since I now know the dynamics of our relationship and what we both want. (Also that night we had the best sex we've ever had, I believe because a lot of walls between us came down.) I was extremely jealous of him spending time with her, but I'm not now. He's spending the night with Willow, and it doesn't bother me. I'm at peace with it all now!

He may or may not be talking with her about all this right now. We both agreed that this was something that she shouldn't be rushed into, and the time for this conversation has to be right. She has told him that she will do whatever it takes to be with him. Am I wrong in thinking that is the WRONG reason for her to try polyamory with us? I want her to want this because she wants it, not to hold onto him, or because it's what we want.

He told me that if she does not want this, then they can't be together anymore. We agreed that if that happened, and it ended up being just us, we wouldn't be monogamous. We would be allowed to explore the possibility of other romantic relationships outside of ours.

I guess I'm just looking for the best way for Remy to start this dialogue with Willow. And if she says yes, what is the best way for three newbies to begin this? I know there will be rules that will need to be set in place, and that she and I will have to meet. (I'm looking forward to that, and I hope that we can at least be friends.) How do the dynamics of this work when there doesn't seem to be a real primary and secondary?

Sorry for being so long-winded. Any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
 
Susan said:
But now he has to convince a girl who is intimidated and threatened by me, because of our history, to share him with me, and the possibility of another woman at some point.
Click to expand...
Um, seriously, no he doesn't. If she doesn't want to be in a poly relationship, she doesn't have to be. All he can do is tell her what he wants and leave it to her to make her own choice. Trying to convince her would be very disrespectful.
 
I apologize, I reread it and that was the wrong term to use.

Lets try this: what is the best way for Remy to introduce the idea of a polyamorous relationship with him to Willow, that he will be sharing himself with her and me?
 
Thank you, NYCindie. I had been searching, but being new to all this, the terminology is still new to me.

I hope using the wrong word in my original post didn't offend anyone here. If so, I apologize.
 
You could also try the terms "vee" and "triad."

It sounds like you want a triad. Is that right? Or are you going to be fine with a vee?

Regardless, there is no indication in your post that she knows about you. Does she? Or is he lying to her? That would be the first place to start-- coming clean with her.

It sounds like this could work if she already knows about you. I think if I were you, I would work out some boundaries around time spent with you and with her, then meet her so that you have some kind of working metamour relationship right off the bat. Then I would just leave it and see where you all go with it. There is no reason to make it complicated. If something comes up, address it, if not, then happy dating for all of you. :)

He might want to get together some good links and info before addressing this with her. Tell him to be sure to send her here. ;)
 
Update: she didn't stay long and we left for my place not long after. She was texting him. I asked him what was going on, to tell me if he wanted to. He said the text said "busted" and "we're over" kind of stuff. She kept texting and I asked if he would wait to respond, only because this was our time together. (There had been times when I was upset that he was with her, and texted him, and he would not respond. In my eyes, I was trying to be fair.)

Everything was fine until we went to bed. I tried to initiate sex, but he didn't want to (which never happens). I told him I could tell that he was upset and asked him to talk to me. Long story short, he didn't want it to be over with her, and he was texting her to try and work things out. I said if he had told me that, I wouldn't have minded if he kept texting her. If he wants to work things out with her, that's what I want. I told him there was part of me that was worried she would say he had to choose her or me, and a small part of me, still being new to this, is afraid he will pick her, and she will say he can't see me anymore.

He said, "That's why I don't think you can handle this."

I told him, "I can. There are going to be things that come up that we are going to have to work out. Anyone new that would come in would know about me in the beginning, and the same with anyone I may see." She did not, and neither did we, have any idea about that when he started seeing her.

When he left this morning he said that nothing has changed with us, and I have to have faith that that is true.

They work together, so I have no idea what's going to happen today. I just have to have faith that in him, and that this will all work out for the best.
 
I just realized that was half of what I meant to post.

Update: Remy was able to talk to Willow again, and she's willing to give this a try. I know I feel a lot better about things, and so does he. None of us know if this will work out, but at least we're trying.

I'm so glad I fund this forum!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top