Unbalanced Time?

A

Avaofthedark

New member
Ok so I have been in this polyamorous relationship for 13 months now. The couple I am with are now 5 years married and have two children. She is also pregnant and soon to give birth next week sometime. Our relationship has been heavenly and perfect for awhile now and we seem to fit together all like a puzzle. However recently I have been feeling as I'd the relationship is a bit unbalanced...

The family live in there home and I stay in my own home as well but daily throughout the week I'm mostly at their house. We go on family outings all the time and do virtually everything together. However since last month things have been changing, I don't know whether it's the fact that she's bearing birth or sue to Te fact that we found out i was also pregnant! They both seem really on board with my pregnancy all though I'm sure e was nervous. Anyways the wife (my gf) decided that she couldn't have all three of us sleeping in the bed anymore. So whenever I sleep over I'm either on the highly uncomfortable couch or sleeping on the frumpy futon.
Your probably wondering why don't I just sleep in my own bed at my own home. And well sleeping alone when in a relationship I realized is so hard. And at times I feel very very lonely.
How it's laid out is during the work week mon-friday I sleep in my own home and sleep over their house Saturday and sunday. And on the weekends I sleep on the couch or futon. The nights I sleep over her husband (my bf) is supposed to be with me on the couch or futon. However how it's been happening is maybe one day of the two he will sleep with me. And because she's Te way she is she absolutely refuses to sleek with me on the couch as it is "her house".

So then I'm faced with the delema of why even sleep over if I'm just going to be sleeping alone? Doesn't it make more sense to just sleep in my home if I'll be sleeping alone to begin with?

On top of this me and my bf can't ever do anything that he hasn't done with her as its "unfair" and I mean I understand that that could be grounds for unfairness but at the same time it's unfair to me as well because I can never e faced with the spectacle of surprise or spontaneous actions.

As far as sex goes its quiet one sided it feels like to me... I feel terrible in saying that but I just want help on this issue so I will.
When ever she and he have sex they do it alone and behind close doors and I don't always know when it happens. I dont complain because yiu know in my head it's their right because they are married and I'm Te gf you know... And sometimes they involve me but very scarcely. Now when me and my bf have sex 99% of the time it's infront of her, and afterwards we may cuddle but it's very briefly and e normally does it with her. And if we're not around her we have to ask permission to have sex. And to me always having sex infront of her makes it feel like its a show he's putting on for her. Sometimes it feels intimate and sometimes it feels as he's just inserting something into me and doing what e thinks she'll enjoy watching. But what hurts me is why can't we ever have our own private time behind closed doors? I mean is it because I'm just the gf?

Whenever me and he go on dates and this is rare we have to plan around her schedule and tell her exactly what we'll do and heaven help us if we differ from the path. However they have random and surprise dates all the time leaving me to last minute watch the kids or find something else to do.

Now that I'm pregnabt all these emotions are double and it's so hard to find someone to talk to about it because as you all know not many people underhand this dynamic and would tell me well of course yor feeling this way it's not a normal relationship and your not supposed to share people. But I know I'm supposed to be in a poly because of the horror I've had in monogamous relationships. Please tell me if I'm just overreacting or if there's is anything I can do or change?
 
Avaofthedark said:
Please tell me if I'm just overreacting or if there's is anything I can do or change?
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This is a common power dynamic which I do not practice and advise people not to get involved with. It seems pretty clear that you are in a hierarchical relationship and you are the 'secondary'. Not only are you a secondary but you are a secondary in a relationship with a primary couple (your boyfriend and his wife) who seem to give little to no value to the fact that you are even present. You sound more like an accessory to their relationship.

As far as what you should do? In this kind of power exchange I imagine you need to ask them very nicely if they will validate your feelings and treat you as if you were an equal. Who knows if they will choose to do so; it's their choice.
 
I wouldn't sleep there, what's the point?

Has it always been that you guys had 3ways only or she watches?

You are pregnant with his baby?
 
So you also agree there's no point in sleeping there? It just sucks knowing when it's my turn we hardly do.

Well we have 3 ways sparingly and when it's me and him having sex she either has to watch, be notified about when we will have sex or have to ask permission before. And there's also the fact that I can't have sex with him until after e has sex with her. So like if she's feeling anti sex he won't mess with me or will mess with me but won't go all the way untill she approves.

And yes with his child. It's my first normal pregnancies after many miscarriages and abortions in my previous monogamous relationships
 
Marcus said:
This is a common power dynamic which I do not practice and advise people not to get involved with. It seems pretty clear that you are in a hierarchical relationship and you are the 'secondary'. Not only are you a secondary but you are a secondary in a relationship with a primary couple (your boyfriend and his wife) who seem to give little to no value to the fact that you are even present. You sound more like an accessory to their relationship.

As far as what you should do? In this kind of power exchange I imagine you need to ask them very nicely if they will validate your feelings and treat you as if you were an equal. Who knows if they will choose to do so; it's their choice.
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Yes I am called the secondary wife or secondary gf. It didn't bother me at first because I figured that's how these things worked when your an addition. And I mean sometimes I feel like I'm apart of them but then there's times when I feel like the woman he's having an affair with or the girl she can experiment with whenever she's bored. Or you know stuff like that. We didn't techniqually say hey it's a hiegherarchy but it was established from day one I would be secondary, and that shes the final deciding factor because it's her marriage and her house.
It's one of the reasons indont feel as if I can talk 100% open with them because I don't want to say the wrong thing and have her push me away or kick me out of their lives. I truly do love him and due to the past it'll be devastating..

In your opinion do I have a right to speak up and say something or just deal because in reality it really is there marriage right
 
Wow that is a pretty messed up relationship dynamic. And you put up with this why?
 
Unless you signed a legally binding contract stating that you wouldn't, you have the right to say or ask anything you want. You may not like their reaction, though.

In my opinion they're treating you like a sex toy. On one hand if you do say something then they may decide you belong in the too-hard basket. On the other hand, if you don't then nothing will change. You need to decide if it's worth it or not.
 
Dagferi said:
Wow that is a pretty messed up relationship dynamic. And you put up with this why?
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Well because I've been through so many hurtful and abusive relationships and this couple literally saved my life from one. It's how we even started. And i mean in the beginning everything was great... Unjust feel like there the ones I'm supposed to be with in my heart of that makes any sense.
A part of me is a lil scared to be thrown back into the fire especially with a child
 
I see so many problems with this. I am not even sure where to begin responding.

1) Stop sleeping there. Stay at your own house. If you are going to sleep alone, you might as well be comfortable and learn to enjoy spending alone time. Also, I understand the request to stop sleeping three in a bed. Pregnancy is a bitch in the last few weeks. Beautiful experience but heaven knows there were days I wanted to put my DH out of our bed because I felt like I needed that much space. It was only two of us. Imagine if it was three.

2) Have you talked to them about your concerns about time? Time is the least of the issues I see. You have acknowledged that with a baby being due in a week and two children, they probably have their hands full. With the birth of their new baby and your new baby at x point, time management is going to get even worse. This is something that needs to be hashed out now because babies do not ask to come in to their parents messed up situations. You all owe it to those four children to get it together now. Sit them down and discuss the issues at hand. Also, what are the plans after your baby arrives? Are there plans to live together, or is the darling daddy going to have to ask the wife for permission to see his other child?

3) They have the right to have sex without telling you or including you. That is part of any healthy relationship. Her insecurities and apparent control issues are a problem that mean you can only have sex with him in front of her. That part is total crap. There is an imbalance for sure. I think secondaries get treated better than you. Asking for permission to have sex with one's girlfriend? He should be grown enough to manage his own relationships, and she needs to flat out--butt the hell out.

I guess my question is why did you put up with this? You should have been put your foot down, but he needs to grow a backbone and a pair.

YES you have a right to speak up. You are not there to be their sex toy or test subject. Since it is her home, stay out of it, and if he wants to see you, tell him to come to your place. He will probably have to ask for permission first. I would strongly suggest ending the experiment--err "relationship" with her. Honestly, I would end it with him, too, and just co-parent the child created in this royally messed up dynamic.
 
Avaofthedark said:
So you also agree there's no point in sleeping there? It just sucks knowing when it's my turn we hardly do.

Well we have 3 ways sparingly and when it's me and him having sex she either has to watch, be notified about when we will have sex or have to ask permission before. And there's also the fact that I can't have sex with him until after e has sex with her. So like if she's feeling anti sex he won't mess with me or will mess with me but won't go all the way untill she approves.

And yes with his child. It's my first normal pregnancies after many miscarriages and abortions in my previous monogamous relationships
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Yes, that is very disrespectful. And I absolutely would not spend the night. Why can't she sleep on the couch or even he since she's your gf as well? I really feel that its crutial that you get alone time with both your partners and to not get that would make me feel like I wasn't an equal partner. How she is feeling shouldnt effect his sex life with you.
 
Other folks have given good advice re. the here-and-now, so I'll ask one for the future: Have you spoken about what his availability will be when you have the baby?

If your sexy-time is being micromanaged by the wife, is his fathering time going to be open, or will she be in control of that as well?

Not trying to demonize the wife (I realize I'm hearing only one side of this), but you do need to look out for not only yourself, but your child.
 
It actually physically hurt me to read your story. I felt it in my gut, because you seem so genuine and are obviously not dumb. However, it never ceases to amaze me what people will put up with!

Do you really think this is how you should be treated in a relationship? That you can't express your own sexuality when you want, how you want, and only when she approves and is present? Seriously? You thought that is what poly is supposed to be like because you're nothing but an "addition?" Honey, you need to work on improving your self-esteem!

It doesn't matter what they have going on between them, you deserve to be treated with decency and respect. Why have you endured and put up with this for so long? Dear woman, get some therapy and take a look at the reality of what these people expect and are doing here. You are nothing but a sex toy to them.

And listen, never be so desperate for love that you take the crumbs that selfish people toss your way just to get something they want from you. Life can be a smorgasbord! You deserve better. AND remember, it's better to sleep alone than to give up your own personal power and esteem to be with people who will take advantage of you. You've let them walk all over you for far too long. Sleeping alone can be very nice, even quite satisfying, when you have a strong sense of self. Preggers or not, I recommend you extricate yourself from that situation. You can seek financial support for your kid from your bf.
 
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Avaofthedark said:
A part of me is a lil scared to be thrown back into the fire especially with a child
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You have your own place and are employed, correct? What fire do you imagine they can throw you in to?

You have the right to do exactly what you want to do at every moment in your life. It sounds like you are behaving very submissively and are just following these people around because you think it's your only option. IT IS NOT your only option. If you are unhappy in a situation you need to take responsibility for yourself and remove yourself from the situation to the degree to which you can be happy with it. If that means removing yourself from it entirely and never speaking to these people again then so be it.
 
You need to sort out a stable, healthy environment for your child. all your petty little romantic issues are no longer a priority. Sort your house for your baby. Remind your partner he has another child on the way and some financial and emotional support would be appreciated and concentrate on your child. Not this farce of a relationship.
 
You seem unhappy. Here's how it sounds to me:

  • I am pregnant.
  • I am unhappy sleeping on the couch when we used to sleep together.
  • I am in a relationship but lonely.
  • I don't like never being surprised.
  • I don't like never having sex with my BF alone.
  • I don't like rarely having dates with my BF.
  • I don't like being the babysitter when they go off on dates.

I could:

  • Plan for my child and ask BF how present he will be for us when child is born. He's not very present now for me.
  • Stop sleeping over and invite then to MY home.
  • Start dating other people, see friends, participate in my community to improve my social wellness and alleviate my loneliness.
  • Ask BF to surprise me sometimes.
  • Stop participating in sex with BF if it only comes with a voyeur wife. I feel like a THING on display and not a person when I choose to participate in sex like that.
  • I could ask my BF out on a date. Then leave it to him to sort out his babysitting. If he's always unwilling to go out with me, I could stop dating him.
  • When asked to babysit for them, I could say "No thank you."

I believe feelings ensue after behavior. If your current behavior has you feeling like crap? Could stop it. Could choose different behavior. See if better feelings ensue after a time.

If you cannot speak up in your relationship about your wants, needs, and limits not being met? It's not a relationship like a two-way street. It's a one-way street where what they say goes.

If being in a one-sided relationship does not serve you, you could change it. There is HEALTHY polyshipping and UNHEALTHY polyshipping. And a polyship where your wants and needs are subsumed to the couple's and it is NOT your pleasure to be in that shape? It's UNHEALTHY then.

I'm not saying change is easy.

But you could decide to change it and improve your situation for yourself. I hope that you do decide to. You sound very sad. :(

GL!
Galagirl
 
Avaofthedark said:
Now when me and my bf have sex 99% of the time it's infront of her, and afterwards we may cuddle but it's very briefly and e normally does it with her. And if we're not around her we have to ask permission to have sex. And to me always having sex infront of her makes it feel like its a show he's putting on for her.
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I could be wrong about this, but based on the information that you provided I would say that he is definitely just "putting on some kind of show". In fact, it sounds to me as though you are not even in a poly relationship - they are treating you as though your main purpose is to satisfy their sexual desires.

I have drawn this conclusion based on the following facts:

  • You are pregnant and forced to sleep in an uncomfortable bed/position - if they truly care about your well-being, either on an emotional or a physical level, they would not be asking you to do this
  • The boyfriend needs permission to have sex with you - this sounds like a swinger's club or a request to use a call-girl, not a relationship (my apologies if this offends you)
  • You feel lovely - if they really cared about you they would have picked up on this and have done something about it. In fact, I'm pretty sure they have picked up on it but choose to do nothing - hence why I feel that you are simply there to fulfil a purpose
  • You are babysitting when they go off on a date? Why don't you ask the wife to return the favour? Tell her that you would like her to babysit her husband's and your baby while you are on a date with him - her answer to this question will probably say everything you need to know

I wouldn't call this an unbalanced relationship - to me it's not a relationship at all. In my opinion you would be better off in a secondary relationship where you have somebody on the same level as he has his wife. My only poly relationship has been with a married lady and we were each other's 3rd wheel from the onset - and I promise you that we treated each other, and our partners treated their "metamors", with far more respect and dignity than you are getting from these two muppets.
 
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