thr33scompany
New member
I am new to this site, and fairly new to polyamory in general, so if I posted under the wrong discussion title, I am sorry.
To start off, I am a lesbian. My partner Jess is bisexual, and her husband Joe is straight. I think I have heard this described as a V relationship.
I am posting this because I am looking for a little insight. Maybe there is someone who has had something similar go on. So, this is it.
Jess was married to Joe when I met her, but they were planning a divorce. He wasn't living with her. They have two children together, and have been married for about 15 years. I have been with Jess for a little over 3 years.
While she and I were dating, during the first year of our relationship, Joe lost his job, and due to not having any family, moved back in with Jess. I was not living with her, but was there so much, I may as well have been. They were working things out. Joe was totally aware of what was going on between Jess and me. We all ended up getting along as friends.
So, after about a year, our finances were tight. It seemed to work out well for us to pull together and live in the same house. Joe had his own bedroom. Soon enough, he got back on his feet and moved to his own place.
Jess and I are very sexual people and enjoy experimenting. She has always found it to be very difficult to be sexual with only one person. These are things we talked about right upfront, from the time we started dating. I am not interested in sex with men. As far as women go, I really am not interested in anyone but her. We came to the agreement that it was okay for her to be with men, but we had to agree on who they were.
Things were going well for a while. She would see people here and there, and we would have our fun with them. Things didn't really work out long term with anyone we were with, mainly because of our concern for the children, and others having a difficult time with us putting the children first. However, we really both enjoyed the company of another person, in and out of the bedroom.
We came to the conclusion that if we wanted someone there long term, Joe would really be perfect. He frequently asked her to try and work things out with him, but she could never really decide between the two of us, being in love with me, but also having a great emotional attachment to him, and a bond due to the children and the amount of time they had been together. However, it goes without saying that there was a reason for them originally wanting a divorce. He wasn't always the kind of husband that was there for his family, is the best way I can put it.
We started things out between the three of us very slowly. He would stay at our house on weekends, and the kids thought nothing of it. Sometimes he would sleep in our bed, and other times go out to the couch. We were all really happy.
He said he wanted to try again and work things out with the three of us. We all have always enjoyed each other's company. He seemed to be making very serious changes to spend time with the children and take care of his responsibilities. We spent months talking about him moving in with us and just sharing one bedroom, and finally we did. We had our ups and downs over time, but things were working out really well.
Then I left town about six months ago to finish up school, which had been the plan all along. It seems things have really changed over the past four months. Joe is not handling his share of the housework, or spending time with the kids. He leaves for work an hour early. Jess was under the impression he was seeing someone at his work. She asked, and he said no, but wouldn't say why he was leaving early.
Jess felt that maybe he was depressed, so she took him out one night to get away from the stress. I guess it was a disaster. He was hitting on other women so much so that these women had to ask security to get him to stop. The three of us had agreed to only be with each other.
He is threatening to leave our house. But when we ask him why, he doesn't have an answer. I am very concerned. Jess is hurting very badly and has been calling me crying. I can't stand to see her like this.
I care for him too, but unlike her, I am not in love with him. I don't believe you should stay with someone if they are intentionally hurting you, even if it's emotionally. Another thought I have, which I hate to have, is that he is only using us because we are more financially well-off than he is, and that he agreed to this because he knew he wouldn't have to pay for anything, and is just using us to save up money. I feel really bad thinking that.
All I want is for Jess to be happy. I believe that marriages have good times and bad times, and that you have to stick out even the bad times. I am trying to be supportive of them and their relationship, but I am lost as to what direction to take. I badly want things to work out between the three of us. Joe is an important part of this relationship. He is my friend, too.
At the same time, there is more to this relationship than sex. Jess goes to school full time and works full time. Joe is supposed to just go to his work and then come home and take care of the children. They are not very young, so it's not like he is with infants 24/7.
Jess is seriously going to have to quit her job to be able to manage the household, if he can't. We have even considered that maybe he is very depressed and that is why he is letting these things fall by the wayside. If it's that, she can quit her job to help him. But it just doesn't seem like that's it.
Jess wants to ask him to leave. But I think it's too soon to call it quits. It's only been four months. At the same time, I realize that the hurt and stress fall on her, because I am not there right now.
What direction do I lean towards? Encourage her to try and work things out with him? Or just support her with asking him to go? I feel like if she asked him to go, ultimately, she would regret it. But at the same time, I am having a hard time thinking of reasons why he should stay, especially if he is unhappy and threatening to leave. All I can think is maybe he is doing this because he knows we will want him to go, and then he'd be the good guy that got kicked out, not the bad guy that left.
Please, does anyone have some insight? Thoughts? Maybe this just happens in marriage, and in a few months he will be back to normal.
To start off, I am a lesbian. My partner Jess is bisexual, and her husband Joe is straight. I think I have heard this described as a V relationship.
I am posting this because I am looking for a little insight. Maybe there is someone who has had something similar go on. So, this is it.
Jess was married to Joe when I met her, but they were planning a divorce. He wasn't living with her. They have two children together, and have been married for about 15 years. I have been with Jess for a little over 3 years.
While she and I were dating, during the first year of our relationship, Joe lost his job, and due to not having any family, moved back in with Jess. I was not living with her, but was there so much, I may as well have been. They were working things out. Joe was totally aware of what was going on between Jess and me. We all ended up getting along as friends.
So, after about a year, our finances were tight. It seemed to work out well for us to pull together and live in the same house. Joe had his own bedroom. Soon enough, he got back on his feet and moved to his own place.
Jess and I are very sexual people and enjoy experimenting. She has always found it to be very difficult to be sexual with only one person. These are things we talked about right upfront, from the time we started dating. I am not interested in sex with men. As far as women go, I really am not interested in anyone but her. We came to the agreement that it was okay for her to be with men, but we had to agree on who they were.
Things were going well for a while. She would see people here and there, and we would have our fun with them. Things didn't really work out long term with anyone we were with, mainly because of our concern for the children, and others having a difficult time with us putting the children first. However, we really both enjoyed the company of another person, in and out of the bedroom.
We came to the conclusion that if we wanted someone there long term, Joe would really be perfect. He frequently asked her to try and work things out with him, but she could never really decide between the two of us, being in love with me, but also having a great emotional attachment to him, and a bond due to the children and the amount of time they had been together. However, it goes without saying that there was a reason for them originally wanting a divorce. He wasn't always the kind of husband that was there for his family, is the best way I can put it.
We started things out between the three of us very slowly. He would stay at our house on weekends, and the kids thought nothing of it. Sometimes he would sleep in our bed, and other times go out to the couch. We were all really happy.
He said he wanted to try again and work things out with the three of us. We all have always enjoyed each other's company. He seemed to be making very serious changes to spend time with the children and take care of his responsibilities. We spent months talking about him moving in with us and just sharing one bedroom, and finally we did. We had our ups and downs over time, but things were working out really well.
Then I left town about six months ago to finish up school, which had been the plan all along. It seems things have really changed over the past four months. Joe is not handling his share of the housework, or spending time with the kids. He leaves for work an hour early. Jess was under the impression he was seeing someone at his work. She asked, and he said no, but wouldn't say why he was leaving early.
Jess felt that maybe he was depressed, so she took him out one night to get away from the stress. I guess it was a disaster. He was hitting on other women so much so that these women had to ask security to get him to stop. The three of us had agreed to only be with each other.
He is threatening to leave our house. But when we ask him why, he doesn't have an answer. I am very concerned. Jess is hurting very badly and has been calling me crying. I can't stand to see her like this.
I care for him too, but unlike her, I am not in love with him. I don't believe you should stay with someone if they are intentionally hurting you, even if it's emotionally. Another thought I have, which I hate to have, is that he is only using us because we are more financially well-off than he is, and that he agreed to this because he knew he wouldn't have to pay for anything, and is just using us to save up money. I feel really bad thinking that.
All I want is for Jess to be happy. I believe that marriages have good times and bad times, and that you have to stick out even the bad times. I am trying to be supportive of them and their relationship, but I am lost as to what direction to take. I badly want things to work out between the three of us. Joe is an important part of this relationship. He is my friend, too.
At the same time, there is more to this relationship than sex. Jess goes to school full time and works full time. Joe is supposed to just go to his work and then come home and take care of the children. They are not very young, so it's not like he is with infants 24/7.
Jess is seriously going to have to quit her job to be able to manage the household, if he can't. We have even considered that maybe he is very depressed and that is why he is letting these things fall by the wayside. If it's that, she can quit her job to help him. But it just doesn't seem like that's it.
Jess wants to ask him to leave. But I think it's too soon to call it quits. It's only been four months. At the same time, I realize that the hurt and stress fall on her, because I am not there right now.
What direction do I lean towards? Encourage her to try and work things out with him? Or just support her with asking him to go? I feel like if she asked him to go, ultimately, she would regret it. But at the same time, I am having a hard time thinking of reasons why he should stay, especially if he is unhappy and threatening to leave. All I can think is maybe he is doing this because he knows we will want him to go, and then he'd be the good guy that got kicked out, not the bad guy that left.
Please, does anyone have some insight? Thoughts? Maybe this just happens in marriage, and in a few months he will be back to normal.
