Understanding

Journeyofawakening said:
Personally, I don't think it's a fear you need to work on...I think it is a concern you need to raise with your wife.
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Seconded. This "fear" does not sound unfounded.

I'll add that when my husband started dating his first (and current) girlfriend, I REALLY struggled to adjust. Despite us being in an open relationship for like 4 years. Despite me having a boyfriend who I loved. Despite him being nothing but upfront about his feelings towards her. Even though everything was "right," it's still a hard adjustment.

I did ask my partner to slow it down. And he did slow down, for a few weeks, just until I could catch up (we were monogamous for nearly a decade, I needed a moment). It was still very hard, but I don't think we'd be still together if he was unwilling to do that for me. It would not be very kind or loving behavior. :(

Journey, I get where you're coming from, but I do think she is paddling. It feels like she is not just passively accepting being swept up in this new relationship, but actively contributing to the speed without consideration of where you are. You ask her to slow down (just for a moment, temporarily). She responds with not only a no, but anger towards you for asking. Being wrapped up in NRE is no excuse for being unwilling to consider (or even listen to!) your partners' needs.

You'll hear this time and time again, Reader - communication is the most important part of any relationship, but perhaps especially any poly relationship. Polyamory will expose any and all cracks in your relationship, regardless of how solid you think your foundation is. Adding people to a broken relationship often ends in a massive explosion. Consider these things as you cling to the boat.
 
reflections said:
I'll add that when my husband started dating his first (and current) girlfriend, I REALLY struggled to adjust. Despite us being in an open relationship for like 4 years. Despite me having a boyfriend who I loved. Despite him being nothing but upfront about his feelings towards her. Even though everything was "right," it's still a hard adjustment.

I did ask my partner to slow it down. And he did slow down, for a few weeks, just until I could catch up (we were monogamous for nearly a decade, I needed a moment).
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I knew going into my relationship with Blue that he was poly. He had another gf. Even so, when he started his first relationship after ours, it was hard. I didn't have to ask him to slow down. I just voiced how I was feeling and he voluntarily slowed down while I worked on my fears and insecurities. Communication, honesty, love, and respect, even when they're difficult, is what gets us through.
 
She says she will do all she can to help and reassure me but this is after the fact. She got mad, ignored my feelings, and went to see him anyway. There were a lot of things to make me think their relationship was only about sex and the fact that she cheated to have phone sex does not help. Nor does her getting mad at me asking her to slow it down. Combined with the fact they had sex almost as soon as she arrived it makes me feel their relationship is shallow and sex is what it is all about despite her claims otherwise.

So am actively hurting and having doubts about us and she is doing all she can to help.
 
It is just the NRE confusing her head. She is not in a shallow relationship, she is in love. And she needs help to preserve the LRE of YOUR relationship.
 
I, too, think we are seeing NRE in action. We don't know that her relationship with the other guy is shallow and only about sex. But, I do think she is getting swept up in NRE, and making some bad decisions as a result.
 
kdt26417 said:
I, too, think we are seeing NRE in action. We don't know that her relationship with the other guy is shallow and only about sex. But, I do think she is getting swept up in NRE, and making some bad decisions as a result.
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That is encouraging to hear. I am truly hoping she does not neglect me in the process. She seems to be wanting to listen. I just have to learn to master these feelings of comparison. Fear of abandonment. Wondering if she will want him more than me. That sort of stuff
 
Well, that sort of stuff is no trivial matter. It can be hard to deal with.

Hopefully we can help you deal with it. Keep posting about your situation, and we'll try to supply you with advice and encouragement!

Yeah, with NRE, she is kind of looking at the new guy with rose-colored glasses. That won't last forever; they say NRE lasts somewhere between 3-6 months and 2-3 years. Which is quite a stretch, but the point is it's not permanent.
 
Right now it is knowing that she will be sleeping with him again tonight. i could not fall asleep last night because my mind showed me all sorts of hurtful things. To make it worse she is trying new things with him. Stuff I have asked for and she made me feel horrible about it. Now all of a sudden he shows up and she is willing to go out of her comfort zone. She tells me I can ask now. I had asked before. It is frustrating. Makes me feel she will do it now out of pity and to shut me up
 
Re:
"To make it worse she is trying new things with him. Stuff I have asked for and she made me feel horrible about it."
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Well I'm thinking that that, too, is the NRE at work. As NRE is really powerful stuff, and then add all this new freedom she has to it. That's a heady cocktail.
 
i have to do my best to stay optimistic for when she gets back from her trip on thursday. I hope she will truly still love me and want to be with me. and not neglect me like i fear. I don'tlike dealing with all this. Does it ever get easier?
 
PinkPig said:
Communication, honesty, love, and respect, even when they're difficult, is what gets us through.
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This.

This is how I was (edited: and AM!) able to get through the hard times of my husband dating another person.

Does it get easier? With the above things, for many people, yes it does. It did for me, and I'm guessing many other people on the forum. But without the things PinkPig listed, I can guarantee you that my marriage would have fallen apart.

Perhaps this article could be of use for you?
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

When Roger was all head-in-the-clouds NRE, I asked him to read it and I read it so we could talk about what was hard for me and what was working well.

But again, it comes down to if your partner is willing to be there to support you through these difficult changes. Maybe it would help for her to know that MANY people initially opening up a mono relationship struggle with the transition, and that if you are needing some extra support/understanding/caring during this time, it is completely normal and natural. (And in your case, I think you could use a heck of a lot of that, given what you've experienced over the last 3 months).

I do hope you are taking care of yourself throughout all of this. (Hug if you want it).
 
Thank you very much. That is a great article. I have sent it to my wife. And I will greatly take that hug. I am so lonely right now even internet hugs feel great.
 
I'm sorry to hear how lonely you are. :(

How's your support network? Do you have friends/family to whom you can talk about this? Get some of their support too? Internet hugs only go so far...

If it's not so great, can you use your newfound free time when your wife's seeing her new guy to bolster that network?
 
Unfortunately when this all began we were having some marital problems and when some of our friends learned she cheated they got rather venomous. They told me all sorts of things I should do, take the kids, divorce. Not one tried to listen to her and understand the stuff she was going through, despite me trying to explain. Though I must admit even I was a bit overwhelmed by some of it. But I stuck by her and tried to understand and grow with her. She truly is a wonderful person who goes out of her way to make everyone happy. She just has some major issues her father left her with that needed addressing and to learn to live out of the box he had put her in.

I did my best to understand and support. Not so with some of our friends. It became two camps. Those that were dissapointed but still loved her and those that were shocked I was still around and thought I should tear her apart.

So now that we are open we are a bit wary who we talk to. She wants to keep it secret from her family and our friends for now and I have agreed. Those friends I have will have a lot of uncomfortable questions, like why I still let her go visit this guy, and I am not sure I am ready to deal with them. I want to be more secure myself, to have the tools necessary to learn and deal with this, before I allow me to be under the influence of someone who won't be open minded and just be hateful towards her.

I hope that makes sense, but if I am doing it wrong I have always been open to feedback. This is also why I sought out a forum like this, and all you wonderful people. Thank you all
 
It makes sense why it's been hard for you to open up to your friends/family.

Do you have any friends that are your own, not mutual friends? People who don't know your wife?

Do you have any friends who are poly-friendly or open themselves?

Could you start seeing a therapist for additional support at this time?

These aren't questions for you to answer now, but rather things to think about. I get how you want to...in a sense, have your head screwed on?...before talking with others. I'm also guessing there's a lot of people who may not understand poly, much less how to go from cheating to poly. But if you were able to find supportive people here on this forum, I bet there are others out there who would be there to support and LISTEN to you, not tell you what to do.

Nevertheless, I (and I'm sure other forum members) am happy to listen to you here. :eek:
 
Thank you for your support. I have been talking to both my wife and her boyfriend, still weird to say, and they have apologized for not really thinking of me and are trying to make it better. He wants to visit us here and meet our kids and me and that is a great start. Plus he has finally warmed to having a more open dialogue with me, which is good because I have been trying for a while.

I don't know if it is that they have finally gotten that...need out of their systems and decided to listen to what I have been saying or what not but I am happy for the change. I know it will be difficult, I still don't like to think of the two of them being intimate, but I really hope it will be okay. I know my issues and am working on them. They know theirs and are working on them. As long as we are all trying hard to make ourselves better and in essence the relationship better, I don't see why it cannot work.

One of the tougher things my wife has seemed to overcome is thinking that I am out to get her and hurt her, which is an unfortunate remnant from her father. He would always tell her she was not good enough or she was wrong. He was is not a pleasant man to his family. To strangers definitely, but anyone close, not so much. It was why she would never open up and tell me the deep stuff, even though when she did I always surprised her by being understanding and not doing any thing hurtful. But I am not a saint by any means. I caused my share of problems in our relationship too. I used to have a very bad case of victim mentality and being ashamed of myself, remnants from rape trauma. I like to think I have gotten much better since then.

I think the best thing in all of this is that my wife is getting that sense of family and community she felt she has lacked here where we live. Her family always thought her personality weird and whimsical, one of her better qualities and one of the things that attracted me to her, and would put her down and not really want to hang out with her. It was just us two, since she had trouble finding friends here that thought she was fun. We like dungeons and dragons, books, gaming, musicals, and bad puns. It will be good having others that accept us.

I am rambling now. I do like to talk on these things, it is easier than in person. I am very introverted but have been forced out of my comfort zone. Anyway, thank you all again for your support.
 
I actually do have a question. how easy is it to reconnect with a partner after they have spent time away with another? I want to be loving but I know me, I get very jealous and will be thinking of how she just came from him and wondering if she will think the way he kissed and held her is better than what I am doing. It is a bad insecurity and I am working on building my self-confidence but it will still be difficult
 
Hi Reader,

Reconnecting probably won't be as hard as you fear. But. You will probably need to do some communicating with your wife. Letting each other know how you feel about things now that she and her boyfriend have been together. What you both want/need going forward. That sort of thing.

It sounds like you're handling a difficult situation reasonably well. Keep us posted; we'll continue to try to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Reader,

Reconnecting probably won't be as hard as you fear. But. You will probably need to do some communicating with your wife. Letting each other know how you feel about things now that she and her boyfriend have been together. What you both want/need going forward. That sort of thing.

It sounds like you're handling a difficult situation reasonably well. Keep us posted; we'll continue to try to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Sometimes well, sometimes I feel I am going to snap. I will get upset when telling my feelings and overreact a bit and be a little hurtful. I am working on that. I seriously need to. I mean she says sorry and I love you and I hammer the hurt in again. That is unhealthy and definitely needs to stop. I made great strides today. I will do even better tomorrow. I mean we even got to discussing some future stuff. The three of us. And it was civil and everything. Soon each day can be like that and we can all like each other. Hell who knows, one day I may tell him some trick my wife likes and nudge him in the ribs and give him a wink. Did I really just write that. I am so conflicted right now. If he did that to me I am unsure how I would feel. Nothing to do but keep growing and learning.
 
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