Understanding

My apologies that it has been so long to get back on here. I have not been motivated enough. So much stuff going on, same story. I have been going to counseling and learning more about myself and I have grown quite a lot. But the situation is still a mess.

During the Bfs stay three months ago I had such a difficult time. I asked to see no physical affection from them, to do it out of my sight. She got mad but agreed. I also said that I will not be kissing her during this time because I do not like the thought of her kissing me after she just kissed him. I was jealous, insecure, and hurting. She said I was punishing her.

Wife argued how it would be unfair to not lot let her sleep, not sex, with him after he drove all this way. I gave in with their promise to no sex. The door was to remain open to ensure the promise. Not only could I not sleep but hearing them talking and kissing hurt so much. This was the guy she cheated on me with. Who forced himself into my life. I was not ready for it but foolishly thought I could handle the feelings and work through them. So, cue panic attack.

I had a huge meltdown, ended up hurting myself because I believed it was my fault for not being okay with any of it. We all worked through it and she agreed to sleep with me at night, but she was not happy about it. She claimed to see how I could be hurt by her cheating and how trying to transition our relationship is difficult but at the same time would get so frustrated and upset when I would be hurting as I tried to heal from what was done and adjust to a new way of thinking.

I am not without some blame, when I am hurting I lash out and say some horrible things. But I was broken and crying, saying how much their relationship is hurting me. How rather than them back way off and give me a chance to heal from the cheating and let my wife and I work on our major marriage problems before adding another relationship to the mix they expect me to heal up, keep my mouth shut when upset, and just be okay with their relationship becuase they believe it is not hurting me.

BF decided to end his relationship with my wife until the problems were fixed. Wife was pissed at us both. I worried how much flak I was going to get from his decision, and indeed she kept snarling at me that I got what I wanted and to be happy. I was still hurting and now hurting that she is losing something that was making her happy. But I will not lie and admit that it let up a great deal of stress for me.

Of course it did not last. We all ended up agreeing to keep trying again, and they slow things down by a lot. No sex stuff or talk, which I asked to help me heal from broken sexual trust and to help me and my wife build up our sexual trust without me fearing she would get all her needs met elsewhere.

There is so much more but I have already spoken quite a lot. The situation now is just as grim as before. All of us trying to work on ourselves and us at the same time, while dealing with many other stressful factors in our lives. Sometimes I just want it to be all done.
 
That's a horrific amount of stress. I can see you and your wife in an epic tug of war pulling violently back and forth. Are you determined to stay with your wife no matter how bad it gets?
 
They steam-rollered the BF into your house. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry for the struggle you've been experiencing, Reader.

We only get your viewpoint from this thread, but your wife seems utterly ruthless. I don't think it was unreasonable to not want them both in your house for his visit. It is shockingly inconsiderate that they forced their way in.

Kids complicate things? I have to wonder how they're perceiving this whole situation. My girlfriend has recently had some serious confrontations with her horrid, rapey ex husband and she has been so adamant about him "being in the boys' lives" despite it all. At some point, you have to consider the damage being done by modeling such an unhealthy relationship. Having had a shitty time growing up myself, I may be a bit over-sensitive to these sorts of considerations.

I'm sorry for coming off as so extreme, but from what I've read here it's been months of this. Your posts get grimmer and grimmer. I strongly recommend working out an escape plan, ideally while remaining amicable with your wife and lessening any ill effects for your children. People shouldn't settle for this much pain in their romantic partnerships.
 
I don't know what I am on here asking for. I think mainly I am on here venting. Talking myself into a difficult decision I already know I have to make. While I may eventually be okay with poly, I don't know if I can be okay with a wife that emotionally blackmails me, or does what she wants and then deals with the consequences. I have stayed for my children but I must do what is best for them. If my wife so easily did this to me, what is to stop her from doing it with another relationship when she sees a new shiny paying her attention. It has already happened via texting.

She has caught on to what should not be happening and set herself boundaries, recognizing that that is wrong via mutual agreement, and knowing that act hurts me which shows me that she is growing. But at the same time she gets mad at me for it and says I am trying to cage her. As if I should be okay with just letting her sleep with anything that pays her attention. I don't know. It's frustrating.

It is like she has found these new wings and can fly wherever she wants to and is intent on doing so without making sure there is a safe place to land. She wants all of the endgame without the emotional work involved to make yourself be emotionally healthy in such situations. I fear she is going to become a wreck because she has so many issues she is doing nothing about and finding yet another reason to escape when her current situation has become to hard for her. It will not be the first time. She did use me as an escape from an emotionally abusive father and then ignored all the damage done to her which has now bled into our current relationship. I don't know. Sorry about the deluge of words. Just venting
 
I'm so sorry things have continued to spiral downwards for you, Reader. :(

I'll second FragsNRuins's statement about staying for the kids. I had wished my parents got a divorce when I was growing up, so I didn't have to witness their abusive and extremely unhealthy behavior towards each other. Sometimes divorce is the best thing you can do for your children. And yourself.

Please continue to feel free to seek support here, even if you only need to vent.
 
Re (from ReaderofThreads):
"She has caught on to what should not be happening and set herself boundaries, recognizing that that is wrong via mutual agreement, and knowing that act hurts me which shows me that she is growing."
Click to expand...

Sounds like the cloud has a silver lining. Is it enough to save the marriage?
 
Just like to add another "sometimes divorce is better for the kids" comment.

I wished my parents would get divorced for years. My mom is a hoarder and was physically and emotionally abusive. Two of my therapists met her and each independently came to the conclusion that she probably has Borderline Personality Disorder. Had my dad divorced her, at least I would have had a safe place (his house) to go to get away from her. And I wouldn't have had to listen to her scream at him as much. And she wouldn't have been able to scream at ME as much. I think I might have also ended some shitty/borderline abusive (or outright abusive) relationships sooner, had I had a better role model about how that's OK. But instead, I had my parents shitty marriage & their fucking idea of staying together no matter what garbage is said or done.

Leaving can also very much be "for the kids" and shouldn't always be viewed as terrible.
 
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