Unicorn hunters , “No Men”

[MtnPolyLoversX2]

I’m not sure if this subject has been beaten to death please excuse me since I’m new here but I’m glad I found this page even if I have been living under a rock but anyways

Me and my partner are in the East Tennessee area , she is married, We are both having a lot of difficulty finding other partners to share ourselves and each other with (Covid obviously hasn’t helped but I’m not going there, it has affect dating at least for our area) . The main issue we see quite often are Couples that say they are (probably putting my foot in my mouth at this point) Poly and dating profiles that go something like “We are a married Poly couple, No Men” or “We are Poly but only with a female”

I’ve seen this a lot more often in the Swinger community of the “looking for our 3rd but No Men” I don’t know if this is more a jealousy issue on the male partners side or mistaking themselves for Poly to live out a bucket list fantasy to check off.
My partner gets approached quite often to be “their 3rd” even though she is Bisexual she wants her partnerships to be separate with either a Male or Female but not together to fulfill their bedroom fantasy’s . Even though their seems to be lots of “Bi Curious”
It seems Poly is more of a fetish for couples that actually making connections with other people.
Sorry for the long winded first post . Chris & Beth

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Chris and Beth,

From what I've seen, unicorn hunting is an extremely popular notion, so much so that most newbies think that's what poly is. M/F+F or even H/W+F (Husband/Wife), "We are here to spice up our love life by adding a third." The added third being a "hot bi babe," who will fall equally in love with the husband and the wife, and vice versa. At least that's what the married couple believes will happen. Like that's what's supposed to happen. Then the couple is crushed when that scenario doesn't materialize right away. "What are we doing wrong?" "I know the hot bi babe is out there somewhere. And I know you good forum people know how to find her. So please, tell us the secret method for finding a unicorn!"

My advice to you is to try to ignore the unicorn hunters as much as you can. The more enlightened polys are out there, it just takes time and patience to locate them. Meantime, the unicorn hunters are just white noise. The ads on Facebook and in adware. There's lots of them, and all of them are best ignored, in order to keep searching for the right person/couple for you. In the meantime, take advantage of this forum. Learn as much about poly as you can. Vent when you're frustrated and need to vent. We're here to listen -- and sympathize. Believe me, you're not the first couple that has run into this kind of frustration. Don't give up. You'll find the right people for you eventually.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Token2]

Swingers or Poly MF couples with a NO SINGLE GUYS!!! policy don't know what they're missing.

It's definitely coming from a space of insecurity but often too, couples open up because the female really wants to explore her bisexuality.

Maybe different again for MF couples where the M is bi. I imagine they'd be a little less threatened.

My long-time nesting partner is my new boyfriend's biggest advocate. Both straight, they're friends but also the boyfriend is long distance and a bit casual because it's early days and we're all new to poly - but where I am getting to is if the boyfriend didn't live 100km away, and was able to dive in deeper maybe my husband wouldn't be so chilled... (I personally think he'd adapt and be fine because Poly was his idea).

We met the boyfriend when he was 1/2 of a swinging couple we were close to. That made it all possible IMO. The barriers were down to allow space to let someone in.

 

[MtnPolyLoversX2]

Hello Chris and Beth,

From what I've seen, unicorn hunting is an extremely popular notion, so much so that most newbies think that's what poly is. M/F+F or even H/W+F (Husband/Wife), "We are here to spice up our love life by adding a third." The added third being a "hot bi babe," who will fall equally in love with the husband and the wife, and vice versa. At least that's what the married couple believes will happen. Like that's what's supposed to happen. Then the couple is crushed when that scenario doesn't materialize right away. "What are we doing wrong?" "I know the hot bi babe is out there somewhere. And I know you good forum people know how to find her. So please, tell us the secret method for finding a unicorn!"

My advice to you is to try to ignore the unicorn hunters as much as you can. The more enlightened polys are out there, it just takes time and patience to locate them. Meantime, the unicorn hunters are just white noise. The ads on Facebook and in adware. There's lots of them, and all of them are best ignored, in order to keep searching for the right person/couple for you. In the meantime, take advantage of this forum. Learn as much about poly as you can. Vent when you're frustrated and need to vent. We're here to listen -- and sympathize. Believe me, you're not the first couple that has run into this kind of frustration. Don't give up. You'll find the right people for you eventually.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

That is a absolutely perfect reply , thank you very kindly . It definitely still seems Men are viewed as the home wreckers , the guy that’s going to sweep her off her feet and whisk her way or pleasure her better in the bedroom and we can’t have that happening “I’m her Man”
And my partner still being viewed as just a fetish to be used. We choose not to interact with those couples, it’s unfortunate how well used the Delete and Block button gets well used . C&B

 

[MtnPolyLoversX2]

Swingers or Poly MF couples with a NO SINGLE GUYS!!! policy don't know what they're missing.

It's definitely coming from a space of insecurity but often too, couples open up because the female really wants to explore her bisexuality.

Maybe different again for MF couples where the M is bi. I imagine they'd be a little less threatened.

My long-time nesting partner is my new boyfriend's biggest advocate. Both straight, they're friends but also the boyfriend is long distance and a bit casual because it's early days and we're all new to poly - but where I am getting to is if the boyfriend didn't live 100km away, and was able to dive in deeper maybe my husband wouldn't be so chilled... (I personally think he'd adapt and be fine because Poly was his idea).

We met the boyfriend when he was 1/2 of a swinging couple we were close to. That made it all possible IMO. The barriers were down to allow space to let someone in.

Even when I was in the Swinger life many moons ago the Scarlet letter , Single male treatment was nothing new . At least at that time in the Midwest Chicago Illinois most single men were kept on s very short leash , monitored and basically scored , thumbs up he stays and they loosen the leash, thumbs down and well, theirs the door so I’m very use to the “No Men” or better known as the OPP

 

[kdt26417]

Yes, OPP and unicorn hunting are closely related.

 

[MsH2O]

Even when I was in the Swinger life many moons ago the Scarlet letter , Single male treatment was nothing new . At least at that time in the Midwest Chicago Illinois most single men were kept on s very short leash , monitored and basically scored , thumbs up he stays and they loosen the leash, thumbs down and well, theirs the door so I’m very use to the “No Men” or better known as the OPP

My husband had a similar experience in swingerland in Atlanta. It sucks, the unicorn hunting. At least they're easy to spot?

 

[couple6458]

I’m not sure if this subject has been beaten to death please excuse me since I’m new here but I’m glad I found this page even if I have been living under a rock but anyways

Me and my partner are in the East Tennessee area , she is married, We are both having a lot of difficulty finding other partners to share ourselves and each other with (Covid obviously hasn’t helped but I’m not going there, it has affect dating at least for our area) . The main issue we see quite often are Couples that say they are (probably putting my foot in my mouth at this point) Poly and dating profiles that go something like “We are a married Poly couple, No Men” or “We are Poly but only with a female”

I’ve seen this a lot more often in the Swinger community of the “looking for our 3rd but No Men” I don’t know if this is more a jealousy issue on the male partners side or mistaking themselves for Poly to live out a bucket list fantasy to check off.
My partner gets approached quite often to be “their 3rd” even though she is Bisexual she wants her partnerships to be separate with either a Male or Female but not together to fulfill their bedroom fantasy’s . Even though their seems to be lots of “Bi Curious”
It seems Poly is more of a fetish for couples that actually making connections with other people.
Sorry for the long winded first post . Chris & Beth

In our case I don't want another penis. He wants at least another woman. He has had poly relationships that included men in the past. He is straight. It is my choice to only want a female at this time. As poly goes I think it is what family you desire to have. People may come and go as they do in mono or stay together for life

 

[Al99]

Yes, Kevin said it well in his reply. The public fantasy perception of poly - fostered by the mass media - is the FMF triad or V, when in reality this is among the rarest of poly configurations. Believing this perception, the adventurous couple that wants to add some spice to their marriage goes on a search for their hot bi babe, not realizing that those ladies willing to be in such situations on an ongoing basis really are almost as rare as unicorns. (The chances are slightly better for swingers - where only casual sexual encounters are involved).

Most married couples who are poly date independently - sometimes with a kitchen table dynamic, sometimes parallel.

Welcome!

 

[Inaniel]

Even when I was in the Swinger life many moons ago the Scarlet letter , Single male treatment was nothing new . At least at that time in the Midwest Chicago Illinois most single men were kept on s very short leash , monitored and basically scored , thumbs up he stays and they loosen the leash, thumbs down and well, theirs the door so I’m very use to the “No Men” or better known as the OPP

That is a fascinating read. I briefly experimented with a joint online profile with my gf Daisy a number of years ago. The number of men throwing themselves at the opportunity for a casual encounter with her was striking. The volume was such that it made the app difficult to use unless the inbox received daily attention. The single task of curating the messages was frustrating, and Daisy was overwhelmed and turned-off by the experience.

Admittedly, it reminded me a bit of feeding cattle with grandfather as a young boy. A portion of the herd would always excitedly rush to the opportunity of fresh hay…

Some aspect of human psychology kicks in when we are spoiled with choice, we revert to a particularly picky frame of mind. And when that mindset is applied to people it’s a bit dehumanizing isn’t it?

I would imagine there are a great number of reasons people are blunt about "no men!"; it may be the unicorn hunter phenomena alone, however I think it is likely a combination of things, perhaps there is an existing queue of men in line already. Penis saturated? It could also be a strategy to make the online profile a simpler and more enjoyable experience for the couple…

This topic reminds me of people who post online classifieds. They will often say things like: (“No scams!” ;or “I don’t need help selling my car!”; and “Calls only, no texts!”). They know it’s not going to reduce the spam to zero, but they make those blunt statements in hopes that it will cut down on the sheer volume of it…

 

[Millhuas]

Even when I was in the Swinger life many moons ago the Scarlet letter , Single male treatment was nothing new . At least at that time in the Midwest Chicago Illinois most single men were kept on s very short leash , monitored and basically scored , thumbs up he stays and they loosen the leash, thumbs down and well, theirs the door so I’m very use to the “No Men” or better known as the OPP

Yeah my wife and I have never had an OPP and while I suffer with insecurities, these insecurities stem decades of abuse before I met my wife. I know that I don't mind her being with someone no matter who. And I know she feels the same for me. Partly bc I identify as Omni/Demi and my wife is Bi, but more so because we feel safe and secure with each other. We trust each other.