Unicorns

[Robert84]

Hi guys,
Again, pretty new to this whole thing. My wife and I are in the early stages of a triad with a new-ish friend. There have been some things to work through, predictably, but things are going very well and everyone seems to be very much enjoying themselves.

I've been looking around and it seems that unicorn hunters get kind of a bad name. I found this confusing at first but reading why, it makes perfect sense.

Our situation seems to be atypical though, as our "unicorn" actually hunted us. It seems like this is way less common. Anybody else ever have an experience like this?

Also, I realize that triads have a low success rate, and can be difficult to navigate. All 3 of us have individual relationships with each other and all three of us together.

Any tips or advice for living this crazy new life would be most welcome. Thanks!

 

[Tinwen]

Enjoy.
Just contemplate how you feel about the possibility, that you might eventually end up in a "V", or have some other instability happen.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Robert84,

A unicorn triad can definitely work, you just have to be considerate about your unicorn's feelings and make sure she is included on all the decisions that will affect her. In short, don't slip into the patterns of couple privilege. Don't be a husband/wife + unicorn triad, be a husband/wife/unicorn triad, where all three of you get equal say and have equal standing. Your "old" marriage is over. Your new "marriage" is a triad of three, you must give your unicorn every bit as much importance as you do your wife.

Sometimes a triad will evolve into a V. That is, one of the relationships in the triad stops being romantic; two of the people "break up" with each other. Then, you just have one person -- a "hinge" -- who has two romantic relationships ... one with each of the "legs" of the V. The two legs have a platonic relationship with each other. This is actually a more stable configuration -- in most cases. However, your case may be different. All three of you are unique individuals. Your triad will be unique as well.

Of course there are other possibilities, such as a fourth person being added (and the triad becoming a quad). But the V thing is the most common scenario. I would say that a V (especially an MFM V) is the most common kind of "polycule." But then you have to consider that some people are "solo poly," they date multiple people but do not live with any of them. From your other thread I gather that your unicorn does not (yet?) live with you. But maybe she has a strong and very committed relationship with you.

Anyway, such are my thoughts and suggestions.
With regards,
Kevin T.

 

[playfulgirl]

First of all stop referring to a person as a "unicorn". It's inherently objectifying with negative connotation and implied power dynamics. Try language like partner or new person.
Have lots of conversations about what your new world will look like and be aware that things are now different. Be aware that the and you wife have some learned techniques of dealing with each other that may be disrupted or need to change with the new dynamic. Also be aware that the new person is not psychic and/or tuned into to those patterns.

 

[FallenAngelina]

First of all stop referring to a person as a "unicorn". It's inherently objectifying with negative connotation and implied power dynamics. Try language like partner or new person.

Some women refer to themselves as unicorns. Unicorn can be used in a loving, appreciative way. I understand your concerns, but the term is not inherently negative. It's silly, to be sure, but some women wear it with pride. You, and even the majority, might see the term as disempowering, but everyone doesn't. Some people celebrate it. Empowered, self-proclaimed unicorns are some of the most inspiring women I know.