Unsure of my next step!!!!

[Sharlay]

Hi all, my first experience was when I was in my late teens (17), when I was single, shortly after I met my fiancé. It wasn’t till I (f28) he was (m29) when we had our first threeway together, FMF.

She was amazing. She was into both of us, and everything you'd imagine a threeway to be. Pretty, charming, sensual, sexy and funny. She enjoyed the experience as much we did. She had breakfast with us and politely asked if one of us could drive her home.

But after that amazing encounter, my partner of 17 years made every experience about what he wanted (only 6 more) and slowly would leave me out, to the point I would walk out of the room.

I voiced my issues and concerns about the lack of involvement I had. We have since separated, as I started to see he wanted everyone, regardless if I was involved or not. After the many years we spent talking about what we wanted, and didn’t want, I was caught off guard, and left heartbroken.

I've been single for 2 years now and would like to settle down with someone, but also would like to explore this life more.

My issue I have now is that I don’t want to be left heartbroken again. But I actually love the lifestyle of being a part of a threeway and experiencing the touch of a female and male at the same time. My question is, should I be the third for a while, with no emotional attachment, and then settle down? Or introduce this life again to a partner and trust that hope fully things that don't turn out how they did last time? Or not take part anymore? But know I want these experiences to happen again.

I would love to hear if anyone has been through similar experiences and their opinions. Am I being naïve?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sharlay,

Your next step should be to register with some poly-friendly dating apps. Feeld and OKCupid are two that I know of. Specify in your profiles that you would like to experience threesomes, but that they must be done with your needs in mind. Another thing that may help is to join a local poly group; to find out if there's one near you, google "polyamory" with the name of your state and/or nearest major city. Finally, you can go to fringe events where people are more likely to be open-minded: indie concerts, sci-fi cons, Ren Faires, BDSM munches, things of that nature. These are ways to get out there and meet people in person.

Threesomes can be a problem, though they can also be amazing. To have an amazing threesome, all three people must be sensitive to the other two's wants and needs. Your partner (of 17 years) grew to be exclusively focused on his own wants and needs, and this is why your more recent threesomes have been lackluster (and transitioned into one-on-one encounters where you were left out). It sounds like you sat down with your partner and had a discussion about this problem, and he did not take your concerns to heart. This is why you broke up with him, I can certainly understand that.

I wish I could promise you that your heart will never be broken again. Unfortunately, relationships always come with a risk factor. You have to be willing to take a chance on love. It does help if you can improve your odds, and I think you can do that by having very frank discussions with your prospective partner/s about what has happened to you in the past, and that you need them to stay focused on you in the future. That all three people need to be included in any threesome, that you have been left out in the past, and that you need any future partners to be conscientious about that, and responsive to your concerns.

Those are my thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

You need to decide if you want to have casual threeway FMF sex, every now and then, which would be considered an open relationship, or if you want a long-term relationship, where you have loving relationships flowing amongst three people, who all agree to be involved in a fairly equal way. This would be a real polyamorous triad.

This is a board for polyamory, which means many loves. It involves love, not just sex. Sex is not even a requirement.

If you want to be in a relationship with a man, and occasionally share sex on a casual basis with a woman, you'd be best off looking in swinger circles.

If you want to be in a relationship with a woman, and occasionally share sex on a casual basis with a man, you'd be extremely popular in a swinger club.

If you want to form a real loving relationship with either a man or a woman, and maybe eventually find one other person of the opposite sex that you are both equally attracted to, and they are attracted to both of you equally, long term, this is technically polyamory, but so rare, that this "third" a couple would be seeking is called a "unicorn." That is, they don't exist.

You can't force feelings and attractions to be always equal between three people. You can't force all three to always be wanting sex at the same time. You can't force you partner to be attracted to the same person you are. You can't force a "unicorn" to be attracted to both members of a couple equally.

You might have a few decent threeway sex experiences, but forming a long-term lasting loving egalitarian triad is extremely rare, especially when you don't just let it happen organically, and not as a requirement.

Please read these articles for more:

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...

www.readyforpolyamory.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

 

[Magdlyn]

You can also do a search here for "threesome," "triad" or any other terms you want in our search bar, to find prior threads on this very common topic.