Unsure what to do. Need advice...

LFM

LFM

New member
Dear Poly Community,

I’m having some relationship issues and I’m hoping that someone in the Poly community has dealt with something similar and can help me out. Here’s a bit of the back story.

I am gay and met my husband in 2010. We dated from 2010 until 2012 when we were legally married. From the beginning of our relationship, we both decided that we wanted an open relationship that allowed us to enjoy sexuality both within and outside of our primary relationship. Up until recently, this has worked very well.

Most of the time when we are sexual with someone outside the relationship, both of us are involved in the encounter. At other times, when it is just one of us who is “playing,” we talk about it beforehand and afterward. In fact, the only “rule” that we have, per se, is that we both engage in full disclosure. We didn't want to create a situation where either one of us was sneaking behind the other's back and keeping secrets because that destroys trust.

In mid January I was out of town for 6 days to attend a family function. I found out after I got back that while I was gone my husband posted an ad on Craigslist soliciting sex. He never mentioned this to me. I’m not concerned about whether or not he had sex with anyone…he’s free to do what he pleases. But, it does concern me that he didn't choose to share this with me.

Last week my husband was out of town for business and again I found out, quite by accident, that he had sex with a man who was our former boss. He has not chosen to tell me about this encounter either. Again, what is bothersome to me is the subterfuge and lack of disclosure, not the fact that he had sex.

I’m not quite sure how to respond to these two situations. Even though we have an open relationship, to me these encounters feel like “cheating” because he has not held to our agreement of full disclosure. I’m curious about why he has chosen to remain quiet about his activities. I would understand if we had agreed to a monogamous relationship and he felt like he could not tell me about these encounters…it would not be OK, but I would understand why he would be so sneaky. I just don’t understand why, when he’s in a relationship where we've agreed that it's OK to enjoy sex with others providing there is full disclosure, he would choose to not disclose.

Has anyone experienced something similar?
Any advice or suggestions?

Thanks!
LFM
 
He doesn't sound particularly poly. Nor do you. You are both simply interested in sexual encounters. Which is fine. But since he doesn't see those as a long term thing, I'm guessing sometimes he feels it's none of your business, and he'd prefer you to think he only wants you (makes your relationship more "real" to some people). And he has guilt for wanting others? Or he simply wants to come across as less promiscuous. And so is deciding to only share a few, in order to keep the total number down.

Not sure. Would have to know more.

It's one of the reasons my friend moved from open to poly; once there was the chance that some of these encounters might develop into relationships; hiding them wasn't an option. I mean, it is, but it does kind of force you to talk about each new potential; if you don't, it makes it much harder to introduce the new person into your life. Lot of stupid complications, like making up the date you met them (and getting your new boyfriend onboard with the deception) and pretending you just fell in love overnight, etc. And it just makes it much nicer to be able to talk about them along the way; rather than feeling guilty and springing it on a partner, "Hey, honey, I just got engaged!" "Oh, you have a girlfriend?" (fyi, this is why I don't like DaDt relationships).

Even in a poly situation, however, I often neglect to talk about a date I went on, if I think it's a definite one night thing. I might tell my partner, just to share a fun story. But if I don't see him for a couple weeks, eh. Probably not. I mean, my partner just doesn't care unless the person is going to be a part of the relationship structure.
 
I agree! Ben Franklin once said, "Has it ever occurred to you that we give the name of sin to so many of our pleasures that we might enjoy them the more?" Maybe that's why secrecy is so exciting?
 
Have you asked him why he is being secretive? Have you told him, "When I found out from someone else that you posted and hooked up with a CL guy, or fucked our ex-boss, I feel X?" X being whatever emotion you feel.

Or does he refuse to discuss it? Like NYCindie said, some people, even poly people, or those in open relationships, can be addicted to the thrill of sneaking and cheating, even at the expense of their partner/spouse's feelings, even at the expense of eroded and destroyed trust.
 
Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful and encouraging replies! To answer your question, Magdlyn, no, I have not yet asked him about any of this. One of my reasons for posting here was to hear other points of view before I decide how to proceed. Another reason for posting here is that I tend to get more thoughtful, thought-provoking and non-judgmental responses from the poly community. My gay friends simply say, "Men are pigs. Just ignore it and learn to accept it." My monogamous friends say, "This is your own fault for having an open relationship."

I do believe it is something that I need to talk with him about...and I will do that. I want to make sure I'm being gentle, loving and compassionate when I do rather than angry, accusatory and self-righteous. If I hear from him that "sneaking" and "cheating" are a turn on for him, and that sometimes he'd prefer to not tell me about his encounters, I'm cool with renegotiating our agreement to include that. What I'm not cool with is us agreeing to something (like we always tell each other everything we do sexually outside the relationship) and then not honoring that agreement.

Thanks again, everyone, for your caring responses!
 
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