Unusual Relationship Barriers

[Cardinal]

So, since I last posted my wife and I became fully poly with only a small handful of rules left. Our relationship has improved ten-fold since we went poly. I have this theory that trust is a lot like happiness and pain. People often wall themselves off emotionally because of traumatic relationships and when you do this it not only stops you from feeling pain, but any shred of happiness as well. We have come to learn through our early poly journey that trust cannot grow in isolation after their has been dishonesty or an affair in a relationship. After my wife's affair we shielded our relationship with a blockade of rules. We were happy when we fully emerged into poly but the trust part was shaky and it seems that trust grows in the absense of rules. So we have this amazing marriage with amazing sex, and amazing communication. Enter the poly woes.

1. No one communicates 1/10th as well as we do and it's so incredibly frustrating because we see the patterns that almost ruined our marriage in the people around us.

2. People lie to be poly (cheat) with us. We have a policy about sending complete records or texts and such of dishonest people to their spouse and we warn people we have 0 tolerance for this. We personally have a rule of no married/partnered non-poly people anyway but they still slip through from time to time.

3. Testing for STDs!! Why is this so freaking hard for people? We seem to get rid of 96% of people who want to be with us with this rule. We use a private testing firm that tests for all 10 major STDs for ourselves but only require people to get a free one from the health department. Even people we've gotten really close to seem to vanish as soon as this comes up. Does anyone else have trouble with this? Is it unreasonable to ask others to test before sexual contact?

4. I work in a healthcare setting as a male nurse. Jesus. I might as well be swimming in options. My wife works in an industrial plant, she has same issue as both of our career paths are dominated by the opposite gender. It's gotten difficult to sort out anything with good intentions.

 

[Magdlyn]

I don't have any trouble finding people who are willing to get tested before sex, and regularly thereafter. I mean, I don't find new people to date every day, but the poly or poly friendly people understand about how important safer sex is.

I find new partners on OK Cupid. There you have a matching system to find other poly or poly friendly people. There are a lot of jerks that message me (all women have this problem), so it takes time to sort through, but I find the right people eventually!

 

[FallenAngelina]

Enter the poly woes.

1. No one communicates 1/10th as well as we do and it's so incredibly frustrating because we see the patterns that almost ruined our marriage in the people around us.

2. People lie to be poly (cheat) with us. We have a policy about sending complete records or texts and such of dishonest people to their spouse and we warn people we have 0 tolerance for this. We personally have a rule of no married/partnered non-poly people anyway but they still slip through from time to time.

These two things don't have to be woes at all if you just tune out people who aren't in alignment with your values. Why go around trying to carpet the world when you can just put on slippers? Ignore these people are Woes #1 and #2 are gone.

And I echo Mag's endorsement of OKC. I've met and befriended a number of fabulous poly people on that site.

 

[Cardinal]

We have tried OK Cupid but our area in general isnt very Poly friendly. I see lots of very interesting people on there and have messaged a couple dozen but never got any replies. She found a couple of bi women but even the men mostly want monogamy. (Ultra conservative bible belt buckle area) So far our workplaces seem to be our best options, but mainly for lack of a better place to look.

 

[icesong]

We have tried OK Cupid but our area in general isnt very Poly friendly. I see lots of very interesting people on there and have messaged a couple dozen but never got any replies. She found a couple of bi women but even the men mostly want monogamy. (Ultra conservative bible belt buckle area) So far our workplaces seem to be our best options, but mainly for lack of a better place to look.

I understand the frustration at lack of poly friendly people in a conservative area, but your workplace seems like the worst possible option from the point of view of your career...

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Cardinal,

It sounds like you have a frustrating situation where not many people are compatible with you. As for STD testing before sexual contact, that sounds quite reasonable to me.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Cereal]

it seems that trust grows in the absence of rules.

Loved this!! ^^

 

[Ravenscroft]

trust grows in the absense of rules.

My first take on this was that I've always tended to treat "thou shalt communicate!!" as a rule. There were no stated consequences of punishment for NOT doing this; in my life & for many of the people near me, it was more like a recitation of faith.

I have watched a few relationships begin to circle the drain right from the point that constant reflex overcommunication stops because one or more of the individuals has got lazy & begun to assume that good communication was a given, inherent to them all, & would never need any sort of artificial strictures to keep it moving.

So, in such a case, the trust might be baseless, & collapse utterly when actually called upon. Seeing friends make this grievous error did a lot to reinforce my/our need to communicate fully, honestly, & efficaciously -- we were NOT going to somehow punish each other for failure, but the Universe surely might.

In your recent past, by "rules" you probably mean there was an "...or ELSE" punishment component, whether implied or explicit. In that case, I'd think your aphorism is entirely backward, & ought read more like

mean-spirited rules wither in the light of trust.

 

[PolyNatural]

So, since I last posted my wife and I became fully poly ... Enter the poly woes.

1. No one communicates 1/10th as well as we do and it's so incredibly frustrating because we see the patterns that almost ruined our marriage in the people around us.

2. People lie to be poly (cheat) with us. We have a policy about sending complete records or texts and such of dishonest people to their spouse and we warn people we have 0 tolerance for this. We personally have a rule of no married/partnered non-poly people anyway but they still slip through from time to time.

3. Testing for STDs!! Why is this so freaking hard for people? We seem to get rid of 96% of people who want to be with us with this rule. We use a private testing firm that tests for all 10 major STDs for ourselves but only require people to get a free one from the health department. Even people we've gotten really close to seem to vanish as soon as this comes up. Does anyone else have trouble with this? Is it unreasonable to ask others to test before sexual contact?

4. I work in a healthcare setting as a male nurse. Jesus. I might as well be swimming in options. My wife works in an industrial plant, she has same issue as both of our career paths are dominated by the opposite gender. It's gotten difficult to sort out anything with good intentions.

I don't see any of the things on your list as unreasonable. In fact it's being responsible and IMO doing it the right way. The only thing I might question is how well your version of poly stands up to objective analysis. But the mods have an opinion that how we define being poly doesn't apply to solving poly relationship problems. I think it does. But you can't argue with authority.

 

[Cardinal]

The only thing I might question is how well your version of poly stands up to objective analysis.

I would very much be interested in discussing this statement. I'm a scientist at heart and we are new to poly so you may have something valuable to contribute merely by discussing it. Having a poly discussion when we were monogamous contributed valuable information and skills to our relationship so we are open to ideas.

As far the shape one persons poly takes vs another; we mold our relationships to fit our needs and the needs of our partners, and in poly do so ethically with a commitment to act with kind intentions. That's how we see poly so far, just allowing a relationship to be whatever it is, and ours is much better under that dynamic system.

In your recent past, by "rules" you probably mean there was an "...or ELSE" punishment component, whether implied or explicit. In that case, I'd think your aphorism is entirely backward, & ought read more like

In my recent past I mean we were monogamous, she had an affair, we built a wall of rules so high neither of us could see over it, and it created 0 expectation of privacy. The rules were designed to create a sense of security to replace the sense of security we had. When it became apparent we could no longer thrive under this system, communication led to poly, an idea triggered by a brief triad a few months before. We have bounced back and forth between what I called "poly light" and monogamy while we wrestled with insecurities and jealousy till we could comfortably have relationships with other people without causing so much discomfort it poisoned our own relationship. We are quite happy so far and talk almost every night to keep issues addressed daily, sometimes this process is painful, sometimes it's beautiful.

 

[PolyNatural]

I would very much be interested in discussing this statement. I'm a scientist at heart and we are new to poly so you may have something valuable to contribute merely by discussing it. Having a poly discussion when we were monogamous contributed valuable information and skills to our relationship so we are open to ideas ...

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I too certainly advocate science, and when it's something that science is a bit too rigid for, I defer to critical thinking and logic. This often gets me into hot water with people who have differing viewpoints. But rather than go into all that here, check the link in my signature line and the definition thread. I've been fairly active there lately.