Update from my last thread

A

als1986

New member
Update, so, after 3 months, our girlfriend has told me that she doesn't feel the same towards me as she does my husband, and that she doesn't feel right continuing the relationship with either of us if she cant feel the same towards us both. So she attempted to break things off.

My husband went and basically begged her not to break up with him. He is saying he's in love with her.

All of a sudden he's not sure how he feels towards me. Remember, we have only been with this girl for 3 months, while he and I have been together for 22 years. This is all happening out of nowhere.

Girlfriend did tell me that she really hasn't felt anything towards me romantically since we first started dating.

He still talks to her every day. He does see her sometimes and is still loving and affectionate towards her. But is distancing himself from me. The thing she doesn't know is he has thought about leaving me for her. She doesn't want to be the reason a 22-year marriage ends, especially because there are children involved.
 
als1986 said:
After 3 months, our girlfriend has told me that she doesn't feel the same towards me as she does my husband. She doesn't feel right continuing the relationship with either of us if she can't feel the same towards us both. So she attempted to break things off. My husband went and basically begged her not to break up with him. He is saying he's in love with her... He's not sure how he feels towards me. We have only been with this girl for 3 months. He and I have been together for 22 years. Girlfriend did tell me that she really hasn't felt anything towards me romantically since we first started dating. He still talks to her every day. He does see her sometimes and is still loving and affectionate towards her. He is distancing himself from me. She doesn't know he has thought about leaving me for her. She doesn't want to be the reason a 22 year marriage ends, especially because there are children involved.
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From what you shared, it sounds like you were trying to act with integrity by being honest about your feelings and not continuing something that didn’t feel fair. That matters. You’re not responsible for managing other people’s relationships, and it’s okay to step away when a situation becomes more complicated than you’re comfortable with. Protecting your values and setting boundaries is the right thing to do, especially when children and long-term commitments are involved.
 
als1986 said:
Our girlfriend has told me that she doesn't feel the same towards me as she does my husband. She doesn't feel right continuing the relationship with either of us if she cant feel the same towards us both. So she attempted to break things off. My husband went and basically begged her not to break up with him. He is saying he's in love with her... he's not sure how he feels towards me. We have only been with this girl for 3 months. He and I have been together for 22 years. Girlfriend did tell me that she really hasn't felt anything towards me romantically since we first started dating. He still talks to her every day. He does see her sometimes and is still loving and affectionate towards her, but is distancing hi,self from me. He has thought about leaving me for her. She doesn't want to be the reason a 22 year marriage ends, especially because there are children involved.
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She wouldn’t be the reason that your marriage ends. From what you’ve written, there is a lot resting on your husband.

It seems like your husband is taking you for granted. And while that’s easy to do in such a long marriage, it’s still not right. You don’t deserve to be treated like you’re undesirable.

I hope your husband has a wake-up call about how his actions are damaging important relationships in his life sooner rather than later, but he has to be willing to take it. Even if this ends with separation, he still has children with you and needs to consider how he treats you. I wish you the best. I’m impressed that you’ve sought out feedback to try to do what you can for the situation.

This seems to be reaching a point where a couples counselor could be very helpful. No matter how it shakes out, it can be very beneficial to have guidance about what your relationship will look like in the future, especially since you share custody of kids.
 
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Hi als,

I'm sorry this is happening, you are really getting the short end of the stick. If your girlfriend doesn't know that your husband is thinking about dumping you, maybe you should inform her of that, so that she can make an informed decision. It sounds like your husband is manipulating the situation, he is in control and you and your girlfriend are both getting used. Of course the worst part of this is that the children are going to lose their stable home.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I'm confused why it's not an option for your husband to continue to date the girlfriend while remaining married to you, even if the girlfriend broke up with you.

I mean, maybe you would not be okay with your husband continuing to date your ex-girlfriend. Maybe your ex-girlfriend does not want to continue to date her ex's husband.

But most poly people are not in triads. Most poly people date separately, each having their own other partner(s) and not dating the same partner.

Triads are tough because almost always, the "shared" girlfriend will end up clicking with one person in the couple more than the other.

However, it sounds like there are other issues with your husband. If he is thinking of leaving you for someone he's only known for three months, I am very sorry. I had a similar situation, and my long-term partnership did not survive even when the new girlfriend was out of the picture. There were too many insurmountable issues.
 
Sounds like husband wants to "monkey-branch" away from his long-term marriage (with children) straight into an exciting new relationship. He's awful quick to chose her, isn't he? If I were you, I'd give some real thought to how the marriage was going before new girlfriend entered the picture. Maybe he wanted out for a while, and now here's his hot chance?

Of course, at 3 months, that r'ship is easy. I'm guessing new gf has few demands so far. It's all fun, sex and puppies. He may be too dense to realize that she will most certainly make demands of him too down the road.

If I were you, I'd start getting my ducks in a row to get myself out of that dying marriage as safely and peacefully as possible. If a man says he's "not sure how he feels about me," I'd take it as a no. Otherwise, you spend your precious time and energy chasing him, and seeking clarity, while he gets to waffle around sucking up your attention. I'm sure you have better things to do!

I'm sorry you're going through this.
 
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