Update post

I think putting it on the table would be a great idea and seeing what she wants, what Farmer wants, and what you want, all clearly out there. There's a lot of different ways that it could go, and working through this all using clear, direct communication would (at the least) be a great exercise in everybody being honest and direct with each other.
 
So a group discussion would be best? I just don't wanna feel like I'm a) putting people on the spot or b) complicating something. I worry if it's kind of a 'hey while we're all here let's talk about this thing' then it'll be weird, particularly if Red is afraid rocking the boat in any way will upset her relationship with Farmer. Should I bring it up to both of them separately and then suggest we talk about it next time we're together so they have time to think about it first?
 
My own personal preference would be the latter - I like to know in advance if there's going to be a "heavy" conversation (and what the topic is), so I have some time to think about it before I'm expected to talk about it. It also staves off any emotional flooding that may happen immediately upon hearing the initial "we need to talk, and here's why."
 
Should I ask about what she prefers, should we do one night together, one night just them or should I just not sleep with them at all when she is over? :/ Should I just carry on as is and change only if someone voices they aren't comfortable anymore?
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Are YOU comfortable right now? You are someone, right?

At this time what do YOU prefer? I thought you prefered to minimize any "aftermath" drama. So in those shoes I would not co-sleep with them when she is over. Nip it in the bud.

Be polite and assertive with Farmer -- having sex with him and dealing with Red nightmares was uncomfortable last time. So next time you plan to just sleep on your own. If Red asks, tell her you prefer to give her and Farmer privacy. Then let it go.

I've been trying to get some distance and encourage her to talk more to Farmer about things that upset her because clearly I am not helping her feel better (based on advice I received in a previous post where I felt like she was coming to me with her issues instead of talking to Farmer). However, that is upsetting her too and making her think I don't like her or want to talk to her since we don't talk as much about this stuff anymore (we talk about other friendly day-to-day stuff but I usually initiate that). It feels like a catch-22 on my end where I'm damned if I do or damned if I don't.
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She strikes me as the type that no matter what you do, she will find a way to turn it into drama in some fashion so she can be the center of attention with her woundedness.

If you are damned if you do and damned if you don't? You may as well be honest and pick what is easiest for you. Concentrate on YOU meeting your needs. Keep it as simple as possible on your end. If your greater need is to sleep without drama -- then sleep on you own if she's over.

Any nightmares or drama that happens in the night or that morning she can deal with it with Farmer. You can keep on sleeping. If she complains she will feel bad if you sleep alone? That's her emotions, not yours. Be be ok with her feeling bad. She feels bad no matter what you do, and at least you get good sleep on your own and are rested for the new day.

And if she starts up drama with you? Trying to bring it to you door? You can say you are sorry she feels sad and you hope she finds a way to feel better like talking to a therapist. Let her be responsible for her own emotional management and asking appropriate people to help her. Stop her if she tries to "process" any more with you. Don't let her turn you in her therapist. You are not the guy for the job.

Galagirl
 
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It's a toss-up for me. I prefer not sleeping alone in general. I can't 100% link the sleeping together as the source of the issues, or a trigger of them, just a pattern I'm starting to see develop. I have no idea if she has nightmares when she is alone at home, or on nights when she is alone with Farmer (I haven't really asked). But I can see if sleeping separately helps and then I'd have my answer without having to see if another nightmare/anxiety cycle occurs.
 
But I can see if sleeping separately helps and then I'd have my answer without having to see if another nightmare/anxiety cycle occurs.
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Yup.

Or it happens and at least it is better for you since you are not there and you don't have to be tending to it.

Galagirl
 
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