Update regarding a blow up

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lisa6

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How to prepare for a blow up?

Hi... How do I prepare for a confrontation I know is coming? My husband and I have an adult date planned with our girlfriend coming up.. actually I planned with my girlfriend as a surprise for my husband.. it's Been planned for a month.. and I have paid for it $365.00 for a room at a resort for the 3 of us..

Tonight girlfriend tells me that she has been asked to watch her granddaughter one weekend in July so that her son in law can go to a particular concert at a concert hall.. I looked up events at the concert hall and I see that the only weekend that something going on is the weekend I booked the resort.. I am about 90 per sure she will cancel us if this is the case in favor of babysitting the granddaughter. My issue is that she had prior committed plans with us for over a month and it cost us big bucks.. I am sad because I think i will lose it...I think it would be the straw that brakes the camels back..
 
Don't prepare for confrontation. Preparing for confrontation brings about confrontation. Prepare to talk to another human being and express your needs.
Why do you think she would cancel on you?

If you're afraid of your own reaction, you don't have to ask in person. Send her a polite note to please check if the dates don't cross, and that you'd be very unhappy if you had to cancel plans. Don't be coercive, just tell her how you feel. That way you'll have space and time to process if she indeed end up canceling the plan.

If there's something you need to tell her anyway about how you're upset with her previous behavior, you could do that in a separate conversation. In fact, you should, since bottling up anger is no good.
 
Hi!

Thanks for the replies... I feel like she will cancel plans based on previous experience over a 2 yr period..

I am totally not a confrontational person.. but I feel like things have come to a head.. there is no need for her to cancel when we have well established prior committed plans..maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal if she hadn't cancelled in the past.. but it is a big deal..
 
I agree with Tinwen...preparing for a blow up will ensure a blow up. Instead, you could plan to have a calm discussion...and then have a calm discussion.

Is your gf the passive type? I ask because, from your previous posts, it does sound like maybe your gf is trying to break up with you but is not the confrontational type so she's doing it by her actions instead of her words? If so, you could just ask her straight out: Would you prefer not to date me any more? What are your agreements? Can your husband and gf continue to date if she breaks up with you? Because that could be a factor in her wishy/washiness, too, if she wants to break up with you but not him (and perceives that that is not allowed.) Or, she could just be flaky. I have some flaky friends that I know I can't count on to not forget or change plans last minute...so I just don't plan anything important with just them. You've been friends with her a long while...do you think she's just flaky or is your instinct that she's trying to passively break up with you?

I'm also wondering why you looked up events at the venue just because she said she was babysitting one weekend? There are four weekends in the month. I think it would be reasonable to assume that the babysitting is a different weekend until she tells you otherwise...I'm wondering if you're not silently harboring resentments from her past flakiness (or passiveness?) and all that resentment has you wound up, looking for trouble? I don't mean that to be critical...just as an observation. I do think instead of looking for signs of trouble, you could just sit down with her and have a calm, direct conversation. Ask her directly: Do you not wish to date me any more? Do you wish to just date my husband? Do you wish not to date either of us? Then you'll have answers and can plan your time and your life accordingly.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling.

How would I "prepare" for a blow up? I wouldn't let it get to that level. Instead, I would ask for clarification. I would avoid letting it fester and become a big blow up thing due to unexpressed upset/growing resentments.

I am about 90 per sure she will cancel us if this is the case in favor of babysitting the granddaughter.
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If she let you know that she might be babysitting? You could ask which weekend that might be. That's fair to ask. Then you can be 100% sure what's going on which date.

  • If it ends up being the date you guys planned and you are willing to reschedule so she can do both activities? Reschedule now so there's more time to reschedule. If there's a rescheduling fee, ask her to pay it. That's fair.

  • If it means you are tired of big elaborate dates getting screwy? Stop planning big elaborate dates with her. Only do simpler dates.

  • If it means you are tired of being canceled on and want to end things with her? Stop dating her so she cannot cancel on you any more. Maybe you are better as friends than dating partners.

I am sad because I think i will lose it...I think it would be the straw that brakes the camels back..
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I guess I don't see where there has to be "confrontation" like a big blow up fight thing. Just let things unfold as they will.

If you already are feeling "meh" about the whole thing and you don't need to be 100% sure on the concert thing to know you prefer to part ways? If this GF has been kinda behaving weird hoping you would be the breaker-upper rather than her? Just get on with clarification and ending whatever needs to end. Maybe she only wants to date you, or only him, or neither. Have the conversations you need to be having so you can sort things out.

Then you you don't have to go past your limits of tolerance and "lose it." Manage your behavior choices so you can better manage your temper.

I dislike people not being firm in their commitments or "dropping hints" like I'm supposed to mind reader what is next. I also dislike people "ghosting" rather than breaking up with me decently. Either way I know that's more their deal than mine. Maybe they don't have the skills or courage or whatever.

So I ten to think that my job on my end so I can better keep my temper is for me to ask questions so I get the info that *I* need. Then I can get on with *my* stuff. Again... Have the conversations you need to be having. Sort stuff out.

Galagirl
 
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lisa6 said:
Hi... How do I prepare for a confrontation I know is coming?
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By thinking things through very carefully and being sure what you want from it and preparing accordingly.

My husband and I have an adult date planned with our girlfriend coming up.. actually I planned with my girlfriend as a surprise for my husband.. it's Been planned for a month.. and I have paid for it $365.00 for a room at a resort for the 3 of us..
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If it is a surprise, at least your husband is not disappointed yet. I am sure the resort is a delightful location and if the girlfriend is not available, you could plot up something interesting as an alternative. There is no reason you and your husband cannot have adult fun even if the girlfriend opts out.

Tonight girlfriend tells me that she has been asked to watch her granddaughter one weekend in July so that her son in law can go to a particular concert at a concert hall..
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One positive here is that she has given you enough warning to be able to plan something else. It isn't a last minute cancellation.

I looked up events at the concert hall and I see that the only weekend that something going on is the weekend I booked the resort..
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Does she know what you have found out? You could inform her and ask her what she plans to do if the babysitting weekend is the same as you have planned, because it is looking likely from what you found out.

I am about 90 per sure she will cancel us if this is the case in favor of babysitting the granddaughter. My issue is that she had prior committed plans with us for over a month and it cost us big bucks.. I am sad because I think i will lose it...I think it would be the straw that brakes the camels back..
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If she is not aware of the date conflict coming up, perhaps you warning her could give her some time to find a way around it or discuss things with you and prepare for the potential conflict for when she is informed of the date by her son-in-law? The less time she has in hand, the more likely she is going to default to a habitual pattern. If you'd like that pattern to change, you have an opportunity.

If you would like to use this as an expensive test of her for her to pass or you confront her, it is also a choice. I won't judge you for it. I am very much in favor of confronting people we perceive to not value us as much as we value them. Though it may be a bit expensive of a confrontation in this case. It may be useful at this point to decide what you would like the outcome to be and plan your confrontation or evasion of confrontation accordingly.

A thought worth considering here is that if you are already at a point where you believe she will act to betray your plans in favor of other priorities, do you think you would enjoy spending that expensive time in her company? At the moment, I don't get any idea of what you feel for her other than mistrust and anger. And this is before she has refused or even knows there is a conflict of dates. You know that the dates may conflict. It is unclear whether she does.

Would she be the prop to spice up sex as a treat to your husband, to create a sexually exciting event for him, even if she irritates you or would her presence hold value for you in terms of being together in a special experience? Does she know whatever your answer is?

It is possible that if she thinks that you are merely using her to give your husband a treat, a grandchild is a more precious experience. On the other hand, if she knows that you treasure her, perhaps she may put a higher priority on not missing such a unique date? Particularly if you warn her in time so that she is prepared when her son-in-law tells her the date and has some alternative suggestions ready for him instead of having to choose in the moment?
 
Both my husband and myself love our girlfriend and treasure her..we always value our time with her.

The night I have planned is a very special night.. we have not spent an overnight with her or an adult date with intamcy in 2 months.. this is the first night in 2 months that I/we have been able to plan anythimg like that with her do to her busy schedule.and when I say intamcy I don't just mean sex but cuddling etc and connecting..

I think that if there is a conflict that this date should be the priority..I don't think myself or my husband should come first all the time.. but it has been awhile since she has put us first.. also since we had prior plans.. Also I Believe those plans should be kept short of an emergency.. I think it would be rude to cancel..

There is a compromise.. she could tell son in law she is busy on that fri but would watch the baby Sat night..

I could have it wrong.. it is possible that he is going to ask for a different weekend but I doubt it.. the only thing scheduled on the calendar for that place falls on our date weekend..

Maybe she won't cancel but she has been known to cancel in the past on more than one occasion when conflict arises we usually lose out..

I don't think I am going to bring it up the possible conflict with dates.. she knows the date for our date night...she bears some responsibility on making sure that the weekend he plans to drop the baby off isn't our date night weekend..she is the person who has been asked to watch the baby one weekend in July..

I guess we will just see what happens...

I in know what want a blow up.. I love her very much and hate conflict myself..But I really think the right thing for her to do is keep our date..and I can see myself upset and hurt if she doesn't..

For now I will try to think positive.. nothing has happened. I will just try to be mentally prepared for the possibility she may cancel us but I will hope for the best ..
 
Just waiting to see what happens sounds like you are setting a trap for your girlfriend. If what you want is the relationship and this trip why are you letting her fall into a trap? It sounds like what you want is to "prove" that she doesn't prioritize time with you the way you do with her. What do you get out of that?

I guess my question is what do you want more? A relationship with your girlfriend? Or proof? (I'm not even sure what you are trying to prove) Because setting her up and laying a trap for her doesn't sound like you actually want to work on the relationship working better... it sounds like you just want to call her out.
 
I hear you say you and your husband love her, but I am not hearing that love in your posts. She comes across as someone who always lets you down to the point where you have more information than her about something, aren't sharing it with her and already expect she will let you down when she finds it and then you will blow up. It sounds like you are waiting for her to screw up and then take her to task. Not being on her side.

You may say it and you may feel it, but it is not coming through in your posts.
 
I get the impression that none of the three of you talk to each other about what is going on internally for you. Is that accurate?

If it is, tell her your fears. You are afraid she's doing a very long drawn out breaking up with the two of you. You're afraid that the frequent cancellations means she doesn't value you or your relationship very much. You're afraid she doesn't love you as much as you love her.

All of those things may be true. And they may be not true. She may not realize how much you treasure her, that you want to spend time with her. You may not know how completely overwhelmed she is with her life right now. You won't know what's going on until you tell her of your fears.

Something like this:
(Only talk for yourself by the way - don't represent your husband too.)

You: 'I wanted to talk to you about something hard.'

Her: 'Ok, what's going on?'

You: 'We've planned this big surprise for him, I've made arrangements. I'm really worried you will cancel. I have all these fears about what it means if you cancel. I fear it means you don't care about me as much as I care about you. I fear it means you want to break up with me, or with us.'

Her: (reacts however she might react. Might be blankness or denials or agreement or something else entirely.)

You: (Conversation continues.)

It's important you do not frame this as accusatory or blaming. That won't get you to the information you need to know - which is knowing where she is at in this relationship. That's why starting with 'I' statements - I fear, I'm afraid, I worry - instead of 'You' statements - You always cancel, You make me angry - is really important.

I know how terrifying it is to be that vulnerable with someone, to tell them that you are afraid. It is never easy.

But do you see how you are uselessly spinning your wheels here? You are churning and churning and getting nowhere.
 
From memory, your GF is in the closet about poly still, right?

She may be reluctantly picking her family over you. It's her choice, though. I bet ahe feels bummed about it. You spent ages with her trying to bond over this experience and you fear it doesn't mean as much to her as it does to you.

I Still bet she's bummed. I bet she'd give anything short of betraying her family just to be with the two of you. I actually feel sorry for her. She misses out on something that sounds really exciting.

My gut instinct could also be wrong. Sorry if this post isn't helpful.
 
Sounds to me like you need to express your needs and expectations, especially since you have paid so much money for the resort. It's really quite inconsiderate of her to do this.

I get that grandkids will always come first, but this is very inconsiderate. I do not consider babysitting so her son can have fun an emergency, but that's just me.
 
Update- I spoke to her and told she should make sure the two dates do not conflict.. I offered to try to change the date of the resort if it was a conflict.. I also told her that if I couldn't change the dates that it is important to me that she keep her commitment to go..I haven't heard back yet if there is a conflict..I did it in a very matter of fact and non emotional tone..I think what I said was reasonable and non emotional tone
 
lisa6 said:
Update- I spoke to her and told she should make sure the two dates do not conflict.. I offered to try to change the date of the resort if it was a conflict.. I also told her that if I couldn't change the dates that it is important to me that she keep her commitment to go..I haven't heard back yet if there is a conflict..I did it in a very matter of fact and non emotional tone..I think what I said was reasonable and non emotional tone
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That sounds very reasonable. Hope things work out.
 
That's reasonable and fair. You cannot be a mind reader. You are seeking clarification.

Hopefully she is responsive and this clears up without further ado. Either because she asks to reschedule so she can do both activities. Or she declines to babysit in favor of honoring her commitments in the order that they were made so she's not spreading herself too thin and overextending herself.

Galagirl
 
Update- how to prepare for a blow up

It turns out that the date night at a resort with gf, husband and myself is most likely the same weekend that her son want her to watch the grandchild so he can go out with friends. I have had this weekend planned with we girlfriend since first week in May..

I offered to reschedule the date night if I could..it turns out I can't...I asked if she could tell the son that she was busy one of those nights but could watch the grandchild the other night.. she doesn't want to do that.. so basically she is cancelling a date we have planned for weeks because she got asked to babysit her grandchild..

I understand her desire to want to see the grandchild.. the grandchild doesn't live locally.. but I see this as a failure on her part to keep commitments and I see it as her inability to sacrifice her needs and wants for her partner.. not that she should always sacrifice.. but in this case when you make plans with someone and those plans are important to someone and hundreds of dollars spent on it than you should keep your word..
 
Don't let her make you feel selfish about this. I understand her maybe feeling obligated, but her son is an adult. He needs to work this out himself. She needs to honor her prior commitment. That would drive me nuts.
 
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