update since started with therapy

H

Hoyam

New member
Well, it has been a while since i was here. Last time i thought i was down, no way to become more low. But unlucky me: it was possible. Anhow, my husband and i started therapy. Ver good man, familiar with polyamory and giving good advices. So yes, we are moving again, not stuck anymore. But the direction we are going to doesn't always feel good. A big part is letting go and accepting that things we had are never coming back again. Its i diffeceult proces, but i feel that we come forward with small steps.

Anyhow, realising that our situation, our reality is like this is hard. I never imagined myself in a situation where divorce seemed a serious option. I never imagined myself in a situation that is judged by society, i never imagined my husband and i not going the same direction, i never imagined myself giving desire/passion/etc high value in a relationship...

Situation as it is now:
- more people are little bit informed. Also the children are being more educated in the difference in privacy and secrets. The fact that mom and dad are working on a good solution for the problems they know we have. They know it is not their fault and they know we always try what is best for them.
- my husband and i agreed that for this moment we should live in the same house, maintain our friendship, maintain the family we are, but also with distance. So at this moment we are not intimate like before. Maybe we will have different rooms in the near future. I dont have a lot of confidence in this solution, but he needs his distance.
- therapy continues
Therapist explained me that this is not only about polyamory but also about my own development. I need to 'rebel' to get less close to my family and my internalised values and feelings. I agree.
- still in love with the boyfriend and i will go to him for 2 weeks with the children. Husband and i have prepared a little bit what they can and cannot see/know/hear.
 
Hoyam,

The thing that baffles me is that for some reason you want to continue to insist that you are in a polyamorous relationship. It is fine that you are doing what you need to do to find yourself. You are an adult woman and are certainly entitled to that.
Labels are really silly, but at one time you discussed the concepts of polyamory with your husband, he grudgingly agreed, and it turned into a disaster for him. In your post, you indicated that you are taking small steps. That may be true as far as explaining this to your children, but there is nothing there that shows any indication that your husband is any more accepting of your decision than before. You state divorce is a real option, which I am guessing he has chosen not to pursue because of either the kids or finances.
You marriage now is basically a roommate situation, the intimacy of a marriage is gone, and your husband has for whatever reason decided to just withdraw. That just does not to me classify as anything that would be considered poly, You are basically a married woman who has decided (totally right to do if that is what you need) to choose her boyfriend in another country over her husband and marriage . It happens all the time . So I guess technically since you still have a marriage certificate and a boyfriend, I guess you can still cling to the poly title. Just not sure why you want to do it. There is no indication here you are going to live a polyamorous loving life with this husband.
I am sure you will get some cheerleading here and am guessing that is why you came back so that is fine. If you come back and tell us your husband is happy for you, accepts the situation, and wants to resume a marriage with you, I would call that progress. To me, what you have posted here just brings you one step closer to divorce, which would probably be kind to your husband at this time.
 
you are making a huge and selfish mistake. I can't believe you would do this for some overseas guy. I'm sorry, I believe in self determination but this is NRE through and through. When you wake up from your nre you will have to spend a large portion of your life justifying that what you did to your family was "oh well...for the best"
 
Good for you, I applaud you for going to therapy early. Im a year in after going poly with the husband and this are really not good. we are also taking a break, not intimate, also not sleeping in the same bed. we haven't don't couples counseling yet. he needs to figure himself out, I am working on that too.

best of luck to you, I hope you can do what is best for your family.
 
friskyone4u said:
Hoyam,

The thing that baffles me is that for some reason you want to continue to insist that you are in a polyamorous relationship.
...
there is nothing there that shows any indication that your husband is any more accepting of your decision than before.
...
So I guess technically since you still have a marriage certificate and a boyfriend, I guess you can still cling to the poly title. Just not sure why you want to do it. There is no indication here you are going to live a polyamorous loving life with this husband.
Click to expand...

I dont understand why Hoyam's relationship with her husband, or his willingness to be poly, defines whether she is poly, particularly if they are contemplating divorce over the issue. She is poly, her husband tried to be but isn't, so they're ending it (one way or another).

Do you have to be perfectly successfully poly at all times and in all relationships to consider yourself poly?

[Edited to add] Do you have to have a primary partner or be happily married to consider yourself poly?
 
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Well i only say we are moving again. Not towards or from poly but i only say we are moving again from being stuck in a very bad and nasty place. I don't think the word 'poly' is what i am looking for at all. I don't care which word or form will finally fit me/us as long as it is working for us. I think the fact that i didn't write or read here for quite Some time indicates i don't realy feel connected to this subject as before, doesn't it??
For as nre; therapy focusses on my husband and me, not on the new boyfriend.
I think that the lack of intimacy is not the effect of the new relationship but maybe even a cause to make me open to a new relationship.
About my husband being a victim of me and my needs: he and i both realise that the cracks in our relationship are both him and myself to blame. I am not responsable on my own, right??

What i find funny is that on a forum like this is that people open and modern about rekationships in different ways then traditional are so judging other people when they read about the struggle of others trying to find their way. I come only in my search of my way. I take full responsability towards my husband and try to solve what can be solved. Within respect for all members of my family. Within my possibility. But people want people to chose. You are poly or you are not. You are mono or you are not. You are victim or you are the one to blame. Something in between, that is just too diffecult. Even for Some open minded people who live a modern free life, different from values of society.
 
Yes slowpoly i totally agree
 
Besides: my therapist says the opposite of what is written before: there is a good indication that my husband is moving forward in poly: the fact that he is still here, after a year, that he is willing therapy. He says we should let go of the idea we should make a decision. Relationships are dynamic. At this moment our reality is i have two men. So this is life as it is right now.
 
Hoyam said:
Besides: my therapist says the opposite of what is written before: there is a good indication that my husband is moving forward in poly: the fact that he is still here, after a year, that he is willing therapy. He says we should let go of the idea we should make a decision. Relationships are dynamic. At this moment our reality is i have two men. So this is life as it is right now.
Click to expand...

I think that makes a lot of sense. Instead of saying what we meant to be or said we'd do, instead of labeling what we are and acting out that role, acknowledge the current reality (including feelings, good and bad) and go from there.

It sounds like you're doing as well as circumstances allow.
 
I dont understand why Hoyam's relationship with her husband, or his willingness to be poly, defines whether she is poly, particularly if they are contemplating divorce over the issue. She is poly, her husband tried to be but isn't, so they're ending it (one way or another).

Do you have to be perfectly successfully poly at all times and in all relationships to consider yourself poly?

[Edited to add] Do you have to have a primary partner or be happily married to consider yourself poly?
__________________

No one said she cannot be poly or call herself anything she wants. Shes a big girl. By your definition, any relationship that is not monogamous is poly. So every person who goes out with more than one person is poly.

You win. It's poly. Working out great.

Graviton hit it on the head. Let's see how wonderful it is for her in a year or two when boyfriend in the other country with two or three other girlfriends finds another or decides he does not need the LDR anymore. And why it is necessary to drag the children over there is beyond me.

If you are single and say you are poly that's great. There is no one but yourself involved or affected by that decision.

If what she has here is the ideal poly model its no wonder it does not gain as much acceptance as it should.

We'll see if Hoyam is poly when her husband leaves, her boyfriend is in another country if he is still around, and all she has is her polyness. Hoyam states that both have contributed to the state of their relationship but he has not chosen to deal with it by bringing another woman into the relationship.

Not sure if you read her whole thread from before but Graviton has said it right.

Doesn't matter to me. i just continue to be amazed as to why people cling to a relationship model that brings them so much grief. And that includes her husband, who really needs some work.
 
Personal Hat on:
Poly can be used to define an individuals interest/ability to love more than one
OR
as a relationship dynamic.

As in, I may be poly but currently have a mono relationship style. That doesn't mean I am not poly, it means my relationship is not.

Likewise; while this relationship may not appear to be poly, that doesn't mean that the individual(s) in it are not.

Moderator Hat on:
That said-lets not derail this thread from the topic by arguing over who is or is not poly. Discussions as to the viability of the relationship may be pertinent. Arguments over who is or is not poly are definitely not pertinent to this thread.
 
Gorgeouskitten: good luck to you. It can be a huge struggle.

About the future: who knows? Well i certainly don't have a glass ball... I think for everybody it is just trying to find your way in life. I thought i would always be with my husband, mono. But suddenly this happened (or i let it happen, but it surprised me anywayz). Who knows what will happen if you fall madly in love with somebody who is seriously mono? What would happen after years of trying and maybe getting older, different needs, whatever. As my therapist advises: i live with this reality. How can i anticipate to what i don't know is going to happen.

The reason i informed my kids little bit is not about the boyfriend. It is because they see relationship has changed, they see us getting distant. So, i think it is a good thing to give them age appropriate information. Children feel when things change and children are used to blaming themselves if you as a parent don't give an explanation. So i explained about the changes. The fact that they go on holliday with mom to see thee 'oncle', swim, siteseeing etc, i think is not bad for them. But you can wonder why i 'drang' them there. I feel i only have to justify to my husband, my children and myself... If you have a question without judging me, i will answer.
 
Welcome back Hoyam,

I had read your story from the beginning but never had a chance to post before.

The fact of the matter is: you fell in love with your boyfriend and it became a game changer. Your husband tried, couldn't accept it, and you're now in counselling to see where you can go. You admitted that you neglected your husband and you are accepting that this might mean losing the romantic love in your marriage.

My opinion is that there are many different types of relationships and many different types of love. Love and relationships can also evolve into many different things over time.

While we don't always get everything we want in life and sometimes we even lose it all, we can only act on what we feel is best for ourselves and best for our children. You are being true to yourself, and that is all you can do. If it leads to a path you regret, then it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. What will be will be.

If your relationship with your husband becomes a companionship and parenting unit without romantic love, that is what it becomes. That is not necessarily a bad thing.

When I first stepped into poly, I was with a man I had a deep love with, but it was lacking passion. I dated a woman who I did have this passion with. After 6-8 months, I had to choose. Monogamy or poly. Him or her. I chose her. We lasted 3 years before realising we weren't compatible for life. During that first year, I really thought I could spend my life with her. I didn't regret my decision. Present day: the very same guy and I live together, love each other in a deep and unique way, but we weren't meant to remain in a romantic relationship. Our relationship evolved.

I tell you this not to encourage you to give up on your marriage, but to accept the evolution and see where it goes. There is every chance you may not be with your boyfriend forever. As long as the decisions you make now accept that possibility, I feel like you are doing all you can do, or all you want to do, in this given moment.
 
When flaws in a relationship are revealed through forming a bond with a non-spousal partner, then some people jump on the bandwagon and blame the new relationship. However if the same thing were to occur when a person decided to take a new and exciting job, choosing to follow their passion for work, nobody judges. The thing of it is, if a there is a need that is not being fulfilled by current circumstance, something will come along to fill the void.

In Hoyam's case, it was a new relationship. People often do not completely realize something is missing if they have never experienced it previously. Then BAM.

I found myself in a similar situation. I was inexperienced, having bonded with my partner relatively young. Then, I found myself the object of someone else's attention and it stirred feelings I had never before experienced. To say I was confused would be an understatement. That said, my relationship with my partner was deep, and after the shock, he realized that for me to have been swayed, it meant there were issues in the relationship that needed to be addressed. We worked very hard to get to the root of our issues, and he accepted equal responsibility for our joint happiness - which meant he had to make some changes - rather than just taking the easy way out and blaming only me.

Our relationship grew even stronger and we were together until he died.

It could be that Hoyam and her husband will not be that fortunate. It sounds like he understands the relationship issues belong to both of them, but they may simply not be compatible at this juncture.
 
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Sounds like you guys continue with the therapist, and continue to deal with current needs. Good for you on keeping the needs of the children through this process front and center.


He says we should let go of the idea we should make a decision.
Click to expand...

I agree with the therapist... take it one day at a time here. It will be what it will be. If neither of you is feeling the need to make a final decision at this point in time, but are working on your stuff? Keep working on your stuff then.

Galagirl
 
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Yes als sparklepop and boogbug write, that is how i see this situation also.

The small steps i have been taking are mainly accepting reality. The reality of the possibility to lose my husband, my boyfriend, both, none but that would mean maybe losing some of my family and friends, my life as i knew it before. I feel like a proces of mourning. And i think i have had the lowest point and now i accept that i had to wake up. As my dream life with my husband and children turns out not to be a dreamlife. It was good at that time. I don't regret. But seeing what we see now we know we won't go back to that, ever. We have to find a new type of relationship, which is difficult but sometimes exciting also.
I don't think my nre is causing my opinion about my marriage. It only helped me to open my eyes to what was already there, long before meeting the boyfriend.

Yes galagirl, i agree with the therapist also. In many ways. He really focusses on the dynamics of any relationship. As was said before: ,,what would happen if this or that...". Well that is not the case right now. We are moving on a path. Taking this current situation. Maybe we will be further apart, maybe closer, maybe further at first but closer after. I don't know. And i am willing to try to do the best i can. I know i haven't put my husbands needs first the last few years. He was ok with that as long as he had the feeling (illusion) he was the only one for me. I also didn't put my needs first. I thought intimacy was not a right, or a reason to make discussion about. Yes i told before i wanted something else, but the lack of a solution was accepted by both of us. Now, in the new situation, we both feel we should be taking better care of ourselves.
 
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