Us in a Nutshell...

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Aridan

New member
So it's been an interesting journey to where I am now. I was a very vanilla person, semi religious, and had very concrete ideas that had been ingrained in me at a very young age of what was right and wrong. So about 10 years ago when my husband suggested an alternate lifestyle I felt somewhat devastated. I could not wrap my mind around it. That is until the first time a man who was not my husband flirted with me. From that moment I experienced a whole new world of emotions that invigorated me, and made me crave more.

What my husband, Andrew, had suggested was opening up our relationship and trying swinging. We had gone through a lot of discussion and back and forth about what any of this would look like, as I knew I wasn't a swinger at heart. I needed an emotional connection to make the physical any good for me, and that really didn't fit well with the swinger lifestyle. We tried looking for people individually and as a couple, and slowly over time we came to know more people in the communities and explored more approaches to non-monogamy. I had heard of polyamory early on, and I really thought that was more fitting with who I am. It took Andrew much more time to come to that conclusion, and I actually found it surprising that he did eventually find himself on the poly side of the fence, as I wasn't expecting that.

Where we stand now is Andrew and I in somewhat of a triad relationship with Marie. It sometimes turns into a quad when Marie's husband, Hans, becomes involved (can it be a quad when the guys aren't involved with each other, but the women are? I don't even know.). This relationship is about two years along now, and it's been one of the most complicated yet rewarding experiences in my life. Marie and Hans live about three hours away. I'm not sure if that counts as a LDR, but it sure does feel like it.

This relationship just recently gelled into something committed, with the three of us acknowledging that we didn't want to seek out other partners. This made me very happy, as when we all first met Marie and Hans did not know what they were looking for or how they wanted to approach this, other than they wanted some adult fun. Meanwhile I just felt this instant connection to Marie, and pretty much fell head over heels for her from the first. However there was a lot of baby steps forward and pulling back with them, which left me feeling frustrated and bereft at times. I was patient though, because I understood Andrew and I had been on this journey for years, and they were just starting. They were not looking for anything committed or exclusive, they were not sure they had the time or emotional bandwidth to care for more than each other, and they felt they were not poly. On top of it Hans is truly monogamous at heart, only loving Marie, and open to playing with others on occasion, but not with any emotional ties.

But the truth is that Marie is poly and she falls in love easily. So our relationship and connection has been intense from the start, and every time she pulled away she came back around even more intense. Hans, however, was not looking for this intense connection. He enjoys his family, and his love with Marie, and different types of kinky adult fun on occasion, but he was not looking for the intensity of what this, but has been supportive because he loves Marie and wants to make her happy.

So all the back and forth, and the ups and downs, and the jealousy and insecurity that bounces around inside my head leaves me needing an outlet to talk through my angst and find solutions and support. Aside from my husband and my therapist, I don't have anyone close to talk openly with, and it's left me feeling very alone as I struggle with some of my darker feelings. I hope that being part of this community is the right step to keeping my poly life healthy and positive.
 
I hope both of us can find some helpful resources and support from the site. I can certainly relate to the religious upbringing. It can be conflicting at times but we are the only ones who can know what's best for us to do.
 
Thank you for sharing your story Aridan. I too grew up very religious, as did my wife. My first marriage was to a churchgoing religious woman who cheated on me with an ex boyfriend from her previous church. That and our church friends taking her side led to my doubts about faith and confidence in monogamy.

I look forward to hearing your story.
 
Thanks for reading OnceAndFuture and IntriguingDesires. I embraced my religion most of my life and I'm a person of faith. There was a period of time when I tried to walk that line unswervingly. But there just came a time when I could no longer stomach the teachings around sex and sexuality as well as the blatant bias against women. My mother and aunts are very religious so that causes somewhat of a chasm between us, although it hasn't estranged us. My husband believes in kindness, and that's the only religion he wants in life.

I admit that I'm unsure where this leaves me right now. My religion was my rock during a troubled childhood, and all these values that were instilled in my during my formative years linger. I am reintegrating the best of what I've learned back into who I am. This leaves me without a formal religion I identify with, but much more at peace with myself.
 
Greetings Aridan,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Count me as one more who had a strong religious upbringing, and who later in life did a lot of rethinking of things. Meanwhile, it sounds like you have formed a lovely poly unit, and it could be called a quad as far as I am concerned. I hope Polyamory.com can serve as a good sounding board for you, and provide advice and feedback if you need it. Usually I follow the intro boards pretty well, so you can ping me on this thread whenever you need to.

Glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Thank you, Kevin, for stopping in and commenting. It's been an interesting journey from a spiritual perspective, in addition to the emotional, physical, and societal perspectives. Marie is very spiritual and is open to the good things from many different religions. She has really opened my mind to the power of positive energy, the universe, and the Goddess. This in and of itself has been a challenge: to integrate a new kind of spirituality into my previously devout Catholic self. I don't want to adopt what she's shown me just because I'm in love with her, I want to be my own person, and decide for myself, but I do suspect my mind is more open to her because of my feelings.
 
Well for what it's worth, I think it's a cool idea to adopt the best of many religions. Now that doesn't mean there's no other way, you could become an atheist like myself. But adopting the best of many religions would be my second choice.
 
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