V Day: the good the bad the ugly

J

Jess1200

New member
MsPeacock & me together 12 years ->
MsPeacock ( V pivot) <-
MsMeta (metamour/ 2 mos with MsPeacock ) & LDR

This is our first real relationship since opening 2 mos ago as a result of meeting MsMeta

Plan is hatched
Okay. Since I've been doing all of this hard work on myself and becoming a super understanding presently "mono -poly" partner/ pre existing end of a vee....I suggested that MsPeacock invite MsMeta to town to spend Valentine's Day in our home. I've never personally cared much about Valentine's Day and MsMeta says she doesn't either-but I worried that being alone (LDR) would be sad for MsMeta & there are so many great burlesque and racy shows in town on that weekend....why not?​

Prep

In preparation , I planned a few things with MsPeacock for MsMeta (picked lingerie, and found tix to shows) and also helped MsMeta get a few things together for MsPeacock (few toys,etc). MsPeacock and I took a little time to exchange gifts and love notes before MsMeta arrived ... I enjoyed all of this and felt really excited!​

Good
The weekend as a group was mostly great.

As a group:
  • We saw a few great shows
  • We ate wonderful meals
  • Caught a bunch of live music
  • Exchanged cards and gifts
  • We also had one really great evening of play all together

Bad/annoying/ugly:

1- reservationgate
I didn't make the dinner reservation MsPeacock wanted because I thought MsMeta had gotten it. I swooped in and got one but only 10pm was avail - this was later than MsPeacock wanted...she threw a fit exclaiming that it hurt her feelings that "the 2 of us screwed up the 1 thing she said she wanted" ...

My brain: meh.:rolleyes: honestly I feel only 1% bad - We Have a reservation. Do I not get credit for getting this whole group Valentine's extravaganza together? Do I not get credit for doing all of this hard work (as the pre existing partner in a newly opened relationship) so that you can be fulfilled?

My mouth: :) let's walk in at 5 and see if we get a table -10pm is just a backup plan ( this which worked out fine we ate at 5:30 pm)
​

2-Proxy Outed
On Friday afternoon, a good friend stopped by and I was at work while MsMeta and MsPeacock were at home. Our friend asked directly / jokingly " so are y'all in a poly relationship or what?!" To which they enthusiastically responded "yes" and noted that I'm (the writer) "totally ok " with it. This is now the second time this has happened this way with one of mine and MsPeacock's friends ...


My brain::rolleyes:I know that we shouldn't lie about our new openness but I wish this happened in some other way. I'm not "totally okay" - I'm working on my emotions and I consented to it. I'm sure it feels better for them to pronounce the " totally ok" version of reality...Also, I'd rather tell people together. Lastly, I don't like that they're just hanging out with our friends when I'm not around...
Rushing fears:
What Will they think about me? What will they think about our marriage? Will they think that I cannot satisfy my wife? Will they think that I'm a loser because I do not have a girlfriend of mine my own?

My mouth: :) You didn't do anything wrong - we shouldn't lie. I wish we had told her in a different way- in the future I'd rather tell people together if at all possible.
​
3-vacation argument:
Directly after MsMeta left for home (literally 5 mins after) I asked MsPeacock to go on a walk with me. You see, on all prior visits we fought after MsMeta left because I used that time to unleash my list of grievances about the visit and really ruined the bliss of the visit for MsPeacock. Not this time- I was determined to get it right.....
5 mins into the walk , MsPeacock starts grilling me about my lack of planning for this year's vacations and informs me that MsMeta invited her to a wedding across the country on the day just before our 1 year wedding anniversary. (we're together 12 years but SCOUTUS ruling is our wedding day ). She also said that if I don't share our other vacations with MsMeta, that she's going with msMeta on separate vacations.

My brain: :mad: WTF?! MsMeta just left 5 mins ago and not only are you laying into me while I'm trying to decompress and Avoid arguments - you want me to delay celebrating or share my 1 year anniversary with MsMeta? I give you an inch (enthusiastically opening Val day) and you now want to pull 10 miles By (1) telling our friends were open, (2) planning trips with her in the summer, (3) dictating that we plan our first anniversary around some stranger's wedding, (4) suggesting our other dyad & extended family vacation traditions open to MsMeta after 2 mos of dating (5) I don't work a demanding full time job so you can be out galavanting with metamours on vacations or LD visits year round ...brakes! Your 2 mo relationship is moving too fast!

In my opinion, that moment after MsMeta left should have been about after care for our dyad and me.
Also, what if MsMeta doesn't last? I don't want to make june plans around a 2 mo relationship. Is this request NRE irrationality?

My mouth: :eek: I wasn't very kind ...
​

Have you experienced these thoughts/ challenges?
I'm prepared to hear that I'm being selfish somehow...
Should I / How should I adjust my external or inner dialogue?
 
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You write very organized and clearly. I commend you.

I am sorry you deal in this though. It doesn't sound fun.

I think you are being too selfless and not assertive enough with Peacock and also not assertive enough about meeting your needs FIRST.

In the spectrum of (selfish -- self full -- self less)? The unhealthy ends of the seesaw are

  • selfish: memememe! All about me and my needs. Ignore the needs of others! Make it about me!
  • selfless: themthemthem! All about them and their needs. Ignore my needs. Make it about them!

Those two tend to attract each other.

The balanced place in the middle is

  • self full: I meet my needs FIRST so I do not run dry. This is not selfish. This is necessary to avoid burn out.

    When I can operate with a full tank of gas? THEN I can gift my help to others in meeting some of their reasonable and rational needs/wants SECOND.

That is fair, esp if everyone puts their oxygen mask on first before trying to help other people. Expect the selfish to call YOU selfish when you do this and set personal boundaries to be able to do this. Because they are selfish and want everyone serving them at all times.

YOUR STORY

1) Next time DO NOT do all this work. You sound over involved in (Ms Peacock and Ms Meta) stuff. If these things matter so much to Ms Peacock she can plan her own date activities so they go according to her tastes.

Ms Peacock seems entitled/selfish/not appreciative/ provoking / high maintenance. (Is that why you named her Ms Peacock?)

In future, limit yourself to one task you enjoy like tix for all to a show. Then let the rest of her Valentine weekend planning be on her. Do something else the rest of time time on your own or with your friends.

2) Stop saying it is ok for them to out you when you prefer to out yourself. Give accurate and clear communication instead of soft pedaling it meek and mild "option" rather than a firm boundary. I doubt a Peacock will notice anything meek and mild!

Instead of this ...

"You didn't do anything wrong - we shouldn't lie. I wish we had told her in a different way- in the future I'd rather tell people together if at all possible."​

focus on behavior you want and say something like

"I do not like it when you speak for me and I am not there. In future I prefer we tell people together. If I am not there say "Ah, wouldn't that be interesting?" and leave it alone. Can I expect you to do that?"​

More concrete and less "I can ignore this if I want to" optional.

3) Next time if you want to decompress after a Ms Meta visit, maybe you want to do it ALONE.

Do not go on a walk with Ms Peacock where you have to be listening to her decompressing her own "whee!" witter. Instead of unwinding, you end up cranked up listening to the witter when you are tired and drained. Also consider -- why get this bent out of shape? Are you not able to just go "That's nice. We'll talk more when we actually get there. Too soon to plan it out, and I just want to enjoy my walk and take a brain rest right now. Planning trips is not resting my brain. (Reaffirm boundaries)"

Not great that you blew up, but understandable. Ms Peacock sounds all about her, not appreciative, provoking, etc. here. What matters most to her in the moment is her stuff. Not anyone else. She wants to spout whee witter. So she is.

That's the common theme I see through 1, 2, and 3. All about what she wants in the moment. Is this a chronic/ongoing behavior even before Ms Meta?

Long term: Given the long list in 3, maybe rethink your consent to having Ms Meta visit you here rather than sending Peacock over there. Then you don't have to plan anything and you don't have to deal in Ms Peacock witter so intensely. She can witter on to the person sitting next to her on the plane and by the time you hear it maybe the "emotional volume" is not so high.

Keep notes and consider if Ms Peacock is actually compatible with you or not as a poly partner.

  • Is this a phase or part of her character?
  • Is this a 2 way relationship or is this you being caretaker to a case load?
  • Is dealing with her high maintenance 1:1 relationship model something you can deal with, but then dealing with her high maintenenace in a 1:1:1 model MORE than you can deal with?


Basically YOU have to take charge here with how you want YOUR post visit time to be spent. You are responsible for your well being, obeying you personal limitations and not stretching yourself too thin, and maintaining your personal boundaries with others. If you are going out on walks with a known exhausting person and you end up frayed and exhausted -- well, stop choosing to go out with them when you are run down. Don't expect them to fill you back up -- YOU fill you back up.

Refill your tank on your own before engaging with them so you have energy for it.

CONCLUSION

Save/manage your energy better. Know your own limits.

Peacock sounds high maintenance, so if you are going to stay? You can't afford to flare up over everything she says. There is her POV, your POV and then the actuality. You said it yourself. Maybe the actuality turns out this 2 mos old relationship breaks up before summer -- so why sink energy into a nothing argument now? You are getting mad at Peacock not seeing things like you. What for? She ISN'T you.

If you want to not be talking about trips right now, because you want a brain break? Say so directly! Focus on that behavior.

Don't try to "logic" with someone who is (high emotions whee!) right now and "teach" them how to think more logically rather than emotionally. You don't have the energy in the moment. Just state what you need right now (brain break) and if they cannot give it to you, don't be with them til after you rest.

You could get better at keeping you personal boundaries. Not overdoing it (1), not under speaking for yourself (2) and not trying to spend time with her and reconnect on the (me + Peacock) level when you are running dry on the (just me) level and need a break AWAY from stimulus. (3) I get the need to reconnect, but you might need a rest first so you become ABLE to reconnect well with a stimulating person like her.

In that situation -- Meta just left 5 minutes ago. Why are you not resting? Instead of engaging with high energy/high maintenance Peacock? Because you wanted to prove that you can (not argue with Peacock when Meta leaves.)

  • Does walking alone mean you are not arguing with Peacock? Yup.
  • Does resting first so you become ABLE to (avoid arguing and deal with high energy Peacock better on a shared walk) make more sense than (going into a shared walk bone dry?) Yup.
  • Does asking for what you need during a walk (brain break now, no trip talk) mean you are not arguing with Peacock? Yup. She either respects your limit or you continue the walk without her company.

Put your own oxygen mask on FIRST. THEN deal with other people layers SECOND. See if it serves you better.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Hi Jess1200,

Sorry MsPeacock had such a bad attitude about things, especially as much work as you put into making this a nice time for everyone. MsPeacock is the V pivot and as such, if the main responsibility for managing the V falls on anyone's shoulders, it falls on hers.

My suggestion to you is to speak (to MsPeacock) more transparently and to the point. Don't say you're okay with something if you're not okay with it. State specifically (and ahead of time) what you want and expect. If you need aftercare shortly after MsMeta leaves, have a talk with MsPeacock prior to any future get-togethers, and see if she's willing to commit to providing you with aftercare. If she's not willing, then decompressing by yourself after MsMeta leaves seems like the best alternative.

There is of course the idea of MsPeacock traveling to visit MsMeta while you stay at home. Whether you do that would depend first on if MsPeacock is willing, second on if it's what you'd want to do. Maybe you don't want to spend a bunch of time alone?

There's of course also the possibility of breaking up with MsPeacock, if you and she just aren't compatible. But I don't mean to mention that lightly, I know it would be a very last resort.

Those are my thoughts on the matter for now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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