very confused

If there is little trust in the relationship, how can one connect at a deep level? I can totally understand why you are feeling that things are not quite right when the trust isn't there. Sounds normal to me...
 
I have stated that I do not trust her. And now that trust is totally gone. Caught K in another lie! I guess I need to speed up this separation process. I have also found out that K is looking for and apartment in another town, go figure. My gut told me something was up. So I'm not real sure how to proceed. I have never had to do this with someone that I care so much about. This feeling that I have totally sucks!
K took the family on a mini vacation, it was really nice. She showered me with attention and affection. But I have the feeling that its not real, something tells me its all just a show, all fake. I won't ignore my gut feeling anymore. Right now I'm just trying to get my thoughts in order and figure out how to proceed. This might take some time. I have to focus on the positives in my life.
 
This is sad and my heart goes out to you. Talk with an attorney to see what you need to do/not do to protect yourself and your kids.
 
Racer, I really feel for you and I'm very proud that you've gotten to the point where you're willing to protect yourself. I'm sorry the situation sucks, but I think you are being very wise about the whole matter.
 
Wise?!?! Me, wise!?!? I never have looked at myself as being wise. But the more time that passes and the more I look at whats wrong with our relationship, the less options I see. I continually catch K in lies! Could marriage counseling help this? Maybe K needs to see a shrink(psychiatrist)? I'm to the point now that I'm ready for her to leave!
K asked me to forgive her. I have a very difficult time in forgiving anybody that has wronged me. Especially when that person continues to do it! I really think that K doesn't see what she has done as bad, or destructive to us. I have become detached from her, built up my wall to protect me.I'm not even sure I want her to stay in my life anymore! She went from bound and determined to leave to I'm gonna stay now. All this changed in a week! UGH!! I hate this feeling of not trusting someone and wondering if what they are telling you is true or not. Makes life way more stressful than it should be.
 
Racer,
I am going to offer up some strange advise. Talk with K. Show her where you have caught her lying to you. Point out that, while you WANT to trust her, you have a VERY hard time doing so.

You said that you loved her.....Give her an honest chance to fix what she has broken. It will take time...LOTS of time. But it very well could be worth it.

One of the stipulations needs to be that she cut off all communication with her beau. If she is unwilling to do so, then she is not truely committed to YOU. I would cut off anyone who came between me and my wife. (I HAVE done this in fact) and I know she would do the same for me. It is a small price to pay, to remain with someone you claim to love so much. ;) Just an opinion.
 
TL, that is not strange advice! What you wrote, makes perfect sense to me. We have some down time this weekend, and I think its a perfect time to try to talk with her. Thank you! I think that it is truly sound advice.
 
Well, Racer, I REALLY love to see peoples relationships work out. I hate to watch, what was once a wonderful union, turn to mush and disolve. It is so sad when that happens. So I try to make sure I help to put them back together if it's possible. MOST of the time, the two are splitting because of a lack of communication, a MIS-communication, or a lack of compromise.

When L and I dated our first couple, we watched as they slowly dissolved. It hurt US so bad, it almost turned us off from ever dating anyone else again. We tried to get them back together, but he had crossed the line. She caught him with another woman that she knew nothing about. They were swingers, and not really poly, so L and I were confused as to why she would have such a cow over it. L continued to date him, though. the female would have nothing to do with the rest of us because we were talking with and seeing him. :( Kinda sucked all around. Well, they eventually got a divorce, and the male of the couple, got married to the woman he "cheated" with. Apparently, it IS possible to cheat while swinging. Who knew? :rolleyes:
 
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I have spent the last few days doing lots of thinking. I still think that K is planning something. As long as I dont bring up our issues everything is hunky dory. If I bring up the subject, instantly K gets defensive. I honestly take the time to think about what I am going to say before I say it. I think about how to say things to her so that she wont get defensive. Nothing seems to work. So as long as I keep quiet, its smooth sailing. I keep finding out about things that she is doing behind my back. I always thought that if you are in a serious relationship then there are no secrets. Apparently I am mistaken. Also K is extremely jealous now. She is checking my text messages and what ever else she can find. She is also watching and listening to everything that goes on between me and my friend, S. Basically she is doing everything she can to spy on me. Its funny how something as innocent as a friendship can be turned around and twisted. S and I have never acted on our feelings for each other. We have talked about them but we just never took that next step. Now K feels threatened. My life is an utter mess right now! Damn! Maybe I should take a break from all this. I am thinking that I should move out for a little bit. Still be there for K and especially my kids, but just get out and breath a little.
 
Racer,
The advise I can give you is this: Don't do anything that you need to hide from K. Let her snoop and find the obvious which you have already proclaimed. Then, if she finds things, gently remind her that you have been open about those things the whole time anyway, so there was no secret. If you are finding her hiding things from her, then point them out to her and ask her about them. It COULD still be a simple misunderstanding. ;) Always think the best of someone until they prove differently to you. ;)
 
I dont think there is a misunderstanding, I could be wrong, but I have been honest with K thru this whole ordeal. I have told K, multiple times, that I dont trust her. I have told her that I want to rebuild our trust, rebuild our relationship. But every time I turn I find that she is still hiding things and she is still in contact with H. I think the only reason that she stayed with me is because of the kids and I am making good money. Again, I could be wrong. Any ways thats my mess I call life.
 
After going to bed last night, I laid there thinking( I have a hard time turning my brain off). I feel like all I am is a babysitter,maid,handyman,mechanic,paycheck, and occasional piece of ass! I have been putting everything into rebuilding our relationship, but I feel like I'm getting very little, if anything, in return. I am working on forgiving, forgetting is a whole other story, I am trying to let the past go.
I have never been one for forgiveness. When I am wronged or hurt, I tend to shut those people out of my life. I am trying very hard to not let that happen this time. I also don't have alot of patience. I tend to want things to happen now, not later. So now I must learn to forgive and have patience that things will work out for the better.
 
All I can say is ((((((((((((((racer812))))))))))))))) & lots more if you need 'em.
 
racer812 said:
When I am wronged or hurt, I tend to shut those people out of my life.
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I feel ya. I'm dealing with that kinda crap too right now. :mad: I don't blame you for feeling this way, but please try to be patient. I would really hate for it all to end this way for you. :(
 
Its been a very busy couple of weeks. My mood is a bit better. Now my K and my little ones are on their way to my home town for a Halloween party with some of my family. I am so paranoid that K has something planned that I am having my cousin keep his eye on her. Its small town, so if anything goes on, I will know.
What a terrible think to have to do. I wish I could trust her more. What a pathetic person I have become. I am so paranoid and worried that K is still planning things with H. Wow! I need to change or I need a change.
 
So what will you do when you find out that she has done nothing?


Or that she has done something?
 
racer812 said:
What a pathetic person I have become. I am so paranoid and worried that K is still planning things with H. Wow! I need to change or I need a change.
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Not pathetic, smart and cautious. If nothing happens, she will have gained a little of your trust. If something does happen, you have a warning system that can protect yourself and your kids.
 
Haven't had time to post any updates, been so busy at work and gettin ready for a trip to the dunes. Cant wait to go!
The home life was going good, until we went out and K got a new tattoo. It doesn't bother me that she got some more work done, what bothers me is what she had put on her body. the new tat is of a chrysanthemum, it is the birth flower of November! And guess what! Thats the month that H was born! When I asked her about the flower she told me that its her grandmothers birth flower. Ok. Then when I asked her the next day she said that the flower was a carnation! And finally when I asked her the day after that she said its her grandmothers favorite flower! Am I that F ing stupid!?! So now, K says that I'm crazy and I am making stuff up in my head. Perhaps I am crazy. But when you have someone who you love and all they do is lie to you, would it make you crazy?
So now, K blames me for making stuff up and driving her away. I guess she expects me to sit quietly and let her do whatever she thinks up. The only saving grace is that her schedule and my schedule dont allow us to see each other. I'm still very hurt. I'm also not sure what to do.
Thanks for reading.
 
Update! Well had a good mini vacation. Just us and the little ones. Had some long talks with K, sitting at the campfire. I think we might have come to an understanding. K and I are basically going to start over. If that makes sense. We have finally come to an understanding. We are still a work in progress, but I think most people are that way. Its the only way we learn and evolve.
I have also made K jealous, not intentional, my H.S. sweety is goin thru a really tough time right now and called me to talk. I did not hide the fact that L called me and I told K what we talked about. It still made her jealous, so I made a point to spend some "alone time" with her.
So, heres to learning and growing as a human.
 
Well, this is definatly good news to hear. Anything new on the tat?
 
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