Very new to this and feeling lonely

C

Ctewhx

New member
Hi all,

My partner of 5 years and I have recently decided to open up our relationship to a female, who is the same age as us, with similar interests and a bit of a kindred spirit. She is really lovely and gets on well with both me (29 female) and my partner (31 male).

We briefly discussed the idea of another man entering our situation, or even just as a sort of one-off, as this has brought up feelings of inadequacy for me, ever so slightly. (I am aware slight jealousy is normal in the beginning.) However, the pros definitely outweigh the cons, and with communication and a bit of reassurance everything has been fine.

This is where it becomes complicated. My long-term male partner has expressed how passionately he does not want another man to touch me or be involved at all. This has made me feel quite disappointed. I am wondering if it is fair for me to feel like this, or if his feelings are valid, as I was just as eager as he to introduce a woman into our situation. Or am I right in feeling like this is a bit unfair and a bit of a double standard?

I am happy for him to explore and have needs met that I am fully accepting are not always going to be met by one person, but I think he is being very closed-minded and a bit unfair saying that I can’t explore in the same way. In fairness, I’m not even sure I’d be compelled to be with another man at all. But just the way he has made me feel about the notion has left me feeling a bit of resentment because it seems like his needs and wants are honoured completely (we see our third every weekend for 3 days and they have full sex and everything in between), while mine are not even being considered.

Some advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

XX,
Tia
 
What you are describing is what we call a "one-penis policy." It's when a couple starts doing non-monogamy but the male decides he is only ok with his woman dating other women, not men.

It is completely unfair. If you are open, it should be fair, and both partners (all partners) should be able to date.

You say that you are unsure if you even want to and that’s okay. But YOU should be able to decide this. You get to decide who you date or who you share yourself with.
 
Polyamory means everyone can date whomever, regardless of gender or identity.

It is hypocritical of him to be able to fuck and have relationships with others and you cannot.

If you are limited to dating women then he should be limited to dating men.

Both parties should be able to date whatever gender they choose. He needs to do the work required to figure out his emotions when you date. If he cannot get over it and allow you the autonomy to date, then he should not date either.
 
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Ctewhx said:
or if his feelings are valid
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He feels the way he feels. Don't invalidate his feelings. His job is to learn how to deal with those feelings and not put them on you. We all have feelings to work through in poly. It's a big part of it all. You cannot do poly without doing the work....hard work.
 
Ctewhx said:
I am happy for him to explore and have needs met that I am fully accepting are not always going to be met by one person, but I think he is being very closed-minded and a bit unfair, saying that I can’t explore in the same way.
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It is common for two people to have very different feelings about poly. Some might have to do more work than others. He may never feel the way you do, but if he puts in the work he can manage his feelings about you dating others.

Ctewhx said:
just the way he has made me feel about the notion has left me feeling a bit of resentment because it feels like his needs and wants are honoured completely (we see our third every weekend for 3 days and they have full sex and everything in between) while mine are not even being considered
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Feeling resentment in this situation is totally valid. He wants to have his fun while controlling your ability to do the same. Whenever one person exerts control over another, resentment happens, and the relationship becomes more distant. Do this enough and the relationship ends.

I have seen partners who cannot handle their feelings, who exert control over their other partners' relationships in an attempt to control actions, feelings, etc., in an attempt to create a "safe space" around their relationship, to protect it, be the exact cause of the relationship ending.

It's so freeing to be chosen by your partner when they are free to choose anyone without coercion. Insecurity is actually enhanced when restrictions are placed, because the fear they will leave will always be there.
 
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Ctewhx said:
My partner of 5 years and I have recently decided to open up our relationship to a female, who is the same age as us, with similar interests and a bit of a kindred spirit. She is really lovely and gets on well with both me (29 female) and my partner (31 male).

We briefly discussed the idea of another man entering our situation, or even just as a sort of one-off, as this has brought up feelings of inadequacy for me, ever so slightly. (I am aware slight jealousy is normal in the beginning.) However, the pros definitely outweigh the cons, and with communication and a bit of reassurance everything has been fine.

This is where it becomes complicated. My long-term male partner has expressed how passionately he does not want another man to touch me or be involved at all. This has made me feel quite disappointed. I am wondering if it is fair for me to feel like this, or if his feelings are valid, as I was just as eager as he to introduce a woman into our situation. Or am I right in feeling like this is a bit unfair and a bit of a double standard?
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Yes, it's hypocritical. And it happens ALL THE TIME. Men don't realize that the modern polyamory movement is a feminist concept. Men have always been able to have more than one partner. It is legal in many countries to this day for men to marry multiple wives. And other men do it illegally. Polygyny is defined as having more than one wife. Polyandry, a woman having more than one husband, has been almost unheard of in most of the world since probably around 2000 BCE! Soon after "civilization" began, the patriarchy took hold and women lost their prior high status and equal rights, in many/most parts of the world, certainly in the Middle East and the "Western" world.

Modern polyamory is directly linked to feminism. Changes in women's lives, the availability of reliable birth control, no matter your marital status; and the ability to make a living wage, have been instrumental in women becoming more empowered and autonomous. This is now including the right to date and have sex with whoever she wants.

Polyamory is NOT the male fantasy of one man and two women in bed. Many men seem to think it is. They are wrong.

Men do not own women or their bodies. He does not "share you" with another, as he would share a toy or a lawn mower. You are an autonomous individual and you own yourself. You choose to share YOURSELF.

When my ex husband and I first opened, at his suggestion, it was for me to explore my bi side and for him to get to live out the fantasy of FMF sex. (We were stupid and naive, back in 1999.) Soon I realized that, since I am attracted to men, women AND queer people on the non-binary/trans spectrum (being non-binary myself), I should be able to date whomever I wanted of whatever gender. He balked and tried to impose the one-penis policy (OPP). I didn't think it was fair. He put his foot down. Then! his gf agreed with me and said I should be able to date men or women with penises, anyone I was attracted to. Then suddenly, because she said it, my ex saw the light. *rolleyes*
Ctewhx said:
I am happy for him to explore and have needs met that I am fully accepting are not always going to be met by one person, but I think he is being very closed-minded and a bit unfair, saying that I can’t explore in the same way. In fairness, I’m not even sure I’d be compelled to be with another man at all. But just the way he has made me feel about the notion has left me feeling a bit of resentment because it seems like his needs and wants are honoured completely (we see our third every weekend for 3 days and they have full sex and everything in between), while mine are not even being considered.

Some advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

XX,
Tia
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Tia, I hope you get to have good sex with your gf. I hope you and she have sex one-on-one! Each dyad in a triad needs its own time to be nurtured and grow.

I recommend you read the book Opening Up to learn more about the polyamorous philosophy, and more about best practices, for a successful foray into ethical non-monogamy.
 
Hello Ctewhx,

Your long-term male partner is definitely holding a double standard over you. disappointed is the least of what you should feel about it. Explain to him that you were fine with another woman touching him and being involved with him, and that he owes you the same kind of consideration. If he says no, then you have to figure out if that is a deal breaker for you. If it isn't, then I guess you just have to make some kind of peace about living with this double standard, and perhaps suffering because of it.

I hope he comes to his senses about that.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Is he controlling in other areas of your relationship? For me control would be a big red flag. And double standards just annoy the hell out of me. Good luck 🤞🏼
 
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