Vicki's Journey

You know, I hate vomiting out verbal diarrhea, but it's 2:45am and I'm miserable. I'm sure I'm wrong somehow but I am totally out of spoons.

So Mark has been getting dating advice off this website (http://www.girlschase.com/), and he's sent me links to a few articles. I keep finding myself getting massively triggered when I read them. It's not because I'm thinking of him with other girls. I haven't even gotten there with my anxiety. It's because websites like that treat women like interchangeable objects or prizes or at any rate, not like individual human beings. They preach the "one twue way" to date. The articles are all written in an arrogant, misogynistic tone, and I find it extremely upsetting.

My husband says it's "game" and guys who treat women like that have lots of sex. I get upset because I see it as being manipulative, and that isn't the kind of person he is. He tells me that he's changing and everything between us is going to be better, that he's more confident and happier and all that jazz. I keep getting triggered over and over by that stupid website. I can't believe someone as intelligent as he is wants to read that stuff. He says he doesn't want to be a pickup artist or anything like that but I don't understand why he's reading it then.

When I get upset, he gets upset that I'm not being supportive. I don't think he realizes how scary it is to hear that your partner is changing and then to see them reading the kind of stuff that will change them into someone you don't want to be around anymore. And I know what people on this site will say; if he changes into someone like that, I'm free to choose not to be with him. Right. I get that. But we have thirteen years in together and I'm just plain scared. He's a good person- how can he want to be like that? Why would he even read horrible stuff like that? I do not like men who behave in such a fashion. I hate it when people lump a whole gender together, and he's been doing that too. Every time I hear him say "women want so and so" I get triggered and I just can't think straight anymore. I'm feeling less attracted to him as a result because I find this so repellant. And he brushes me off when I say not all women are the same because he points out that women in my demographic (Dominant, sexually open) are in the minority and he's right, but that doesn't have anything to do with my point that everyone deserves to be treated as individuals. What's wrong with just being yourself and getting to know someone and seeing where it goes?

I know Mark really does feel like women are an alien species. It's no coincidence that I asked him out when we started dating. He's never felt good or comfortable talking to any women. So I think it's great that he's becoming more confident. While I'll admit that I am nervous/uncomfortable/jealous about him potentially dating or fucking someone new, that's something I'm willing to deal with on my own. I'm not perfect, so I can't say that I'm going to be deliriously happy, but I do love him very much and I want him to be able to experience what I have.

And then we start spiraling off each other, which is clearly not productive. He gets upset that I'm not supporting him, and I get upset that he wants me to support that, and that I don't feel listened to. His responses get monosyllabic and I know he's just waiting me out. It's the antithesis of good communication. Normally this isn't something we have a problem with but every time this site comes up or he makes a comment generalizing women, I get triggered. Telling him I'm triggered doesn't help because he says he doesn't understand why. His solution is just to stop talking to me about it and I can't see how that will bring us closer together either. He wants me to be his friend and help him and I want to do those things.

It's not like every conversation about him dating has gone that way. I helped him put together two profiles and I offered to help him write messages to the women on those sites. So I know 100% it's not just my anxiety about opening his side of the relationship. It's specifically related to that website, and the idea of picking up random women.

We had a conversation where he was saying he wants to be able to just chat with random women, like meeting them in a store or a coffee shop or whatnot and to be able to get them to want to fuck him. He even told me he wished he'd hit on his hotel clerk. And since it falls back on the principles from this site, how to manipulate some random woman into wanting to have sex with you, I find myself triggered again. It feels so dishonest to me. He even asked me what I thought about him taking off his wedding ring for situations like that because he thought if he made it clear he only wanted a one night stand that it shouldn't matter if he's married and it would lower his chances! I'm not sure if he understood why that upset me, either.

I knew there was going to be some friction as things changed but I didn't know it was going to be like this. I feel like he's dumped everything on me all at once. It's not just, I want to have sex with other women. It's him changing all these personality characteristics about himself and I worry because I don't know who he's going to be. He's even changing his clothes to a new style that I don't like. What if he changes all the things I like about him? I can't imagine the man I married wanting to be like the jerks in those articles, but here he is reading them. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to feel. I just want it all to go away and that isn't productive either.

It's like he expects me just to drop all my worries and feelings and just support him. When we opened up my end, I didn't change everything all at once. Obviously there has been some change... but I didn't go overnight from being a straight vanilla monogamous wife to a bisexual kinky polyamorous one. I feel like I don't know what to expect and that I can't cope with all the changes at once. All he does is say over and over that I'll like the new him and not to worry. I don't see how it's possible for me not to worry under the circumstances, and then he feels hurt that I don't have faith in him.

Something's got to change because this isn't working. I suspect a big part of it is that we haven't spent any time together in more than a month and we're still more than a week away, and he'll only be home for a week then. But this is awful. I feel so overwhelmed and emotionally flooded. I feel very alone. He's always been my rock and my best friend, and I don't feel that way right now.

I'm too tired to think straight. I just don't know anymore. After the whole thing with that girl, where he agreed it was a bad idea and said he wasn't going to pursue her but refused to apologize for pushing my boundaries because he "had to do it", I just feel like he's going to do whatever he wants to do and my feelings don't matter. That makes me want to detach emotionally so that I don't get hurt, and I know that is a really, really bad idea.

I should probably go to bed.
 
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Hugs... I know the 3am ramblings come out of a place where you need to vent.

This stuff that he's reading sounds similar to the "Red Pill" movement that's growing on Reddit. This article seems to explain it fairly well:

http://www.businessinsider.com/the-red-pill-reddit-2013-8

It's got some tenets (improve yourself and you'll attract a "high-quality" person) that seem reasonable on the outside, but execution seems more pickup artist than genuine.

Hopefully he's just trying this stuff on for size, seeing what fits and discarding what doesn't. Just remember that supporting *him* doesn't mean supporting everything he does. If Chops wanted to start smoking again, I sure as hell wouldn't support it, but I'd want him to figure out why he needs it and to see if there were another, better way to get that.

Hang in there, and I hope you got some sleep.
 
Yeah, this really was just a middle of the night rambling. Mark has been gone for 5 weeks now and my sleep disorder has been acting up. 5 weeks of getting maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a night really wears down my perspective a bit.

We have had some more talks. I do keep getting triggered by that damn website though. I get so mad that jerks are making money off giving stupid, male centred advice. But anyway- I did help him fix his OKC profile and hopefully he'll be good to go.
 
So things are better with me and Mark. I think it's just lack of sleep and connectedness since we haven't seen each other for so long. Add that to his excitement and we were off the rails.

Anyway, we've continued working on things. I just told him I didn't want to hear any more about that site. I suspect I'll still be frustrated when I see the stupid new clothes his sister helped him pick out. Of course, I hate his sister (no real reason, she just irritates me in a lot of ways) so there's some irrational spillover there I'm sure.

I have an interesting situation that I'm still figuring out how to handle, actually.

So, I know it's silly but I'm kind of excited right now. I met a guy back in March briefly but didn't chat with him much. We ran into each other again at a bdsm party on the weekend and he gave me a lovely footrub. And the level of deference! What can I say? Submissiveness really, really turns me on. He offered to carry my toy bag to the dungeon, and after he gave me the massage he thanked me for allowing him to serve me. So good.

At any rate, since the party, we've been chatting nearly every evening for a few hours, and pretty much none of it sexual. Just getting to know each other. It's a really good sign when we don't run out of things to say. He even fixed a problem I was having with my computer!

Being kinky, I find, makes communication much easier. Instead of beating around the bush, we talked about if this was potentially going somewhere, and I said I was definitely interested in sex and we'd see where it would go from there. Then we got to have the fun sex talk etc. But aside from that I'm just genuinely enjoying getting to know him. I'm not sure how compatible we are in terms of fetishes, but enough to have a little fun at least. And either way, he's very respectful and I like him. And go figure- he's a 91% match on OKC. He lives in another city an hour away, but at least he drives!

I've got some thinking to do, though. Certainly, if I start seeing Greg I won't have room in my life for any more relationships. I'm wondering if I even have time to spend a weekend or two with Greg a month. I want to make sure I have time with Mark, too. I have no plans to stop seeing John, either. So I know I'm overthinking for now since I haven't even fucked Greg yet or played with him, but it's on my mind. I know that both time and emotional energy are finite.

I'm used to having one "real" relationship plus a handful of more casual partners on the side. That was easy to manage. No expectations or whatnot with the casual people, we saw each other or talked whenever we did. But when I have a D/s relationship I put a lot of myself out there, and it requires a more intimate connection for me. So can I give that to two men enough to meet their needs? Obviously everyone knows about everyone, although Greg has never dated a married woman, let alone one who already has another submissive. I know he's concerned about jealousy, and I can't blame him since it's all new to him. I just feel pretty good about the communication here since we've already done a lot of talking. Since he's new, he wanted to know about how things operate vis a vis my marriage and boundaries and whatnot, and we're on the same page, so that's good.

There's another party in Greg's city in a week and a half and he's invited me to go with him and stay at his place, and then he'll drive me home the next day. If I don't have any plans with H, I'm going to go. Might as well see where this goes.He makes me laugh and the level of respect and attention he gives me is intensely erotic for me. And it really is flattering- as soon as he sees me online I get a message. I like that :)

It's gotten pretty intense. We Skyped last night for more than four hours, and it was only tangentially sexual. More of us getting to know each other. We never ran out of things to talk to. The NRE is starting to hit me and we haven't even kissed, let alone played or fucked.

Actually, what is kind of triggering me a bit is realizing this is how it was for me with L, the man that caused me to start this thread. I was head over heels for him fairly early in our relationship and I did stupid stuff. I know now a huge part of it was my inexperience and I won't make the same mistakes twice, but I still worry a little. The chemistry and connection is intense. I had thought this was just going to be a casual fuckbuddy type thing but it's relatively clear that that is not the direction this is going.

So I don't know. Or rather, I do know. I'm going to explore because I'm headstrong and I just don't want to stop myself. But at least I'm going in with my eyes open this time.
 
So I've been doing a lot of thinking about the situation, and perhaps why I'm more susceptible than usual. Given that my husband has been gone for so long, I'm lonely. I've also gained some weight, so the attention is very flattering. John has been working a lot so he hasn't been able to come over as often as he usually does, and we still haven't really been able to have PIV. I'm coming to accept that he simply has a very, very low sex drive in addition to the impotence. Given that I have a very, very high sex drive, my sexual needs aren't being met in the relationship. So I guess this leaves me more open to new possibilities right now.

So I've been a little grumpier than usual and I'm not really giving John the credit he deserves. We have a pretty awesome D/s relationship and I love playing with him. And the communication is wonderful. He says the sweetest things to me that just make my heart melt. He said to me tonight that he wants a picture of me so that I can be the first thing he sees when he wakes up in the morning. He told me he used to picture his ex wife but now he thinks about me.

He really loves me for me. He's seen me an emotional mess after the issues with that girl. He's seen me wearing everything from comfy around the house clothes to way dressed up and he thinks I'm sexy no matter what. He's said he thinks if a woman isn't sexy when she's just wearing around the house clothes, then she's just not sexy. Stuff like that makes me feel so good.

I do love him. I have zero plan to replace him with Greg. I'm still worried about time issues, though. I don't know how things will shake out. I suppose I'll have to see how our date goes. Maybe there won't be the chemistry and connection in person. I dunno.
 
The Terrible, Awful, No-Good, Very Bad Day

Yeah... I just really need to vent. I'm severely sleep deprived and entirely unreliable but also ridiculously miserable.

Basically, my Friday started out with an unsatisfying sexual encounter with a guy I met off Craigslist and have been seeing every couple of months for a year. We don't have a relationship of any sort- I know next to nothing about him, we'd actually never even kissed until Friday- we just got each other's rocks off. It was almost like having a human vibrator except he's more skilled. I had been super horny lately so I thought it might help... but you know what, it just didn't do the trick for me. And he asked for a more intimate sort of thing... he wanted to cuddle after and that's never been what this was so I don't think I'll text him again. It's not that I don't like that- actually, this thing we had was way out of character for me. But I thought we just had a thing where we used each other for sex and I don't want anything more than that with him.

So then I went to pick up my son from day camp since it was a PA Day. He wanted to go to the children's museum since they had something cool on so I said OK. When I pick him up, he starts being bratty again. He's been a lot bratty lately since Mark has been gone for so long and it's wearing on me. He's even getting notes home from school that say he isn't listening. I'm a fucking teacher for heaven's sake, and MY kid is misbehaving??? Not cool. So anyway, I figure he might just be hungry since it's dinnertime and I offer to take him to his choice of "restaurants" in the area (a sushi/Japanese buffet, Mr Sub, and a soup restaurant- he loves them all). THen he starts telling me this weird stuff that he's hungry but not for food and I'm like what? Anyway, we finally get that sorted out and we go to Mr Sub and he's just picking at his sandwich when he suddenly pukes... all over himself, dinner, and me. Yay. Of course I have no clean clothes for him, I mean, he's almost five, so I didn't think that was something I needed anymore. So I take him into the bathroom and try to clean him up so now his clothes are wet. The owner starts freaking out on me to clean up the puke and then pokes at my parenting by asking how I could put my kid back into wet clothes and I said well what was I supposed to do, take him home naked??? THen when I clean up I notice he gave him a cookie. Wow, that's just freaking wonderful. So I call a cab to get home since I can't really take him on a 45 min bus ride if he's sick, and big surprise- he throws up the cookie in the taxi. THen the taxi driver freaks out on me and insists I clean the cab and I have no one to help me with my son so I'm basically reduced to cleaning him up and taking off his clothes and telling him just to go upstairs to bed and Mommy would be there in a minute but he's too tired and just lies down on the floor and cuddles his toys naked. Yay. THe cabdriver is a real pain in the ass even though I clean it up and even give him the rest of the roll of paper towels. He wanted me to give him a real towel to put on his seat and I refused. Anyway, it was shitty. Finally got to put the kid to bed and at that point was already feeling drained.

So I hadn't seen John this week... he had been supposed to come over on Tuesday then Wednesday then Thursday since he kept rescheduling because he hadn't slept well and was tired. OK I get that, I have a severe sleep disorder myself. Then Friday after all that shit happened I texted him and said that I had thought I wanted to be alone but I really didn't, I just wanted some no pressure company to relax and do mindless things. And he texted me back that he was sorry but he was out with Kristen. Kristen is the girl we had the threesome with who has HSV2. He had previously asked me if he could be friends with her and I'd said yes but no naked time (I'm his Domme so I get to approve his other partners if I want to, and since I don't trust her, I want to). So I totally lost my shit- that he had time to go out with her but he hadn't seen me all week? He pointed out that this had been planned previously and that she'd drove to him. And that my situation was difficult at times. I asked him what he meant and he said me having my son made it tough since he can't stay over when my son is here (my rule), and it's an hour walking to get here since he doesn't drive either. So I lost it again and basically told him if I was so much of an imposition than not to bother. I sent him an email afterwarsd that said that I was really pissed that I still had to nag him to go get his health card since he doesn't see it as a priority, and since we have the D/s it shouldn't matter how he sees it but how I see it, otherwise there's no real power exchange. And that I think I'd been quite patient dating him for four months and we'd sort of had sex once. And that if he'd made plans with her, then he should have bent over backwards to make sure he saw me beforehand. You know, he tells me he loves me and how important I am to him all the time... and then pulls shit like this. So I was really pissed. And I reiterated to him that if he had naked time with her, that's a dealbreaker to me. I know he can't fuck her anyway but that's not the point. HSV transmits just from skin to skin.

And I am absolutely fucking furious at her. I told her in my last correspondence to her when I said that I didn't think we could be friends but that I wished her well and didn't plan to tell anyone else in the community what she'd done, and she appreciated that... and now she's out with my boyfriend when she knows I'm not thrilled about her? I did give him permission to be friends with her... and I'm likely being irrational here but I'm angry. He's been saying all the right things via text and asking to come over tonight so we can talk but I'm still feeling so tapped out that I don't know if I can handle the conversation.

I am not really having any new problems with Mark but I'm just still drained from all the emotional energy the situation is sucking out of me. He says he's not changing, but he's dressing differently and behaving differently and so of course I am just feeling so off balance by it all and worrying how this is going to work. It's not so much the open part that's bothering me because I think I can handle that and we haven't even gotten there yet. It's that I am not sure if I am going to like the person he's becoming. Anyway, so I get so mad... and he and I haven't seen each other in seven weeks, and when he does come home, it'll only be for a week anyway before he leaves again.

It doesn't help that I haven't had much time with my best friend because now she's working nights. We've barely talked in ages and I'm still not feeling great about that since I'm a believer that you make time for people who matter to you.

So basically, I just want a vacation from my life right now but that's not going to happen. Failing that, some sleep would be nice.
 
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So apparently I keep forgetting to write here, but I suppose being low on emotional energy is a good excuse.

My respect for John has grown even further after the way we resolved the fight. I know looking back that I was just exhausted and trying to push everyone away because I was feeling so miserable. And he didn't let me. He was up front that he was upset but told me that when we have problems, we should talk them out. He was insistent but not pushy. And when he came over, we had an open and honest discussion about what happened. I am seriously impressed at how he handled me, given that I know I was out of line. I really feel like we have something that matters together. It still bothers me that I cant fuck him or do sexual play because I have those needs going unmet, but this means way too much to me to leave him because of that.

John and Mark met at a BDSM munch last week too, which was pretty awesome. He met all my friends and then the two of them spent some time together chatting. It made me feel really good. Mark says that John wouldn't be someone that he'd choose for his friend, but he seems like a nice enough guy.

Mark has been home for a week but has a brief trip coming up again. I'm still feeling pretty drained from all the talking we've done. His emotions are bouncing like a ping pong ball too.

As for Greg, who I wrote about in a previous post... it's my own fault for letting things get too intense before spending more time together in person. My friend was probably right that I was craving the attention, so I was willing to overlook potential incompatibilities. I was already nervous about the idea that we wanted different things kinkwise. Unfortunately, we're not a good match sexually either which leaves me feeling so awkward because I know he's really into me, and I honestly like him so much. I want to stay friends and would be happy to be friends with occasional benefits. I just don't see this becoming the D/s relationship that he wants with me. It's hard. I'm not used to having to let people down like this.

Under it all there's frustration why does it have to be so hard to find someone who's compatible in terms of kink and likes to fuck???? :p With one boyfriend I can't fuck, I need to have another partner that I can. I have a sex drive somewhat north of nymphomania. I'm just not used to being without someone I can bang like a sign in high wind :p
 
So it's been nearly six months since my last update. I just haven't really had the mental energy to write. I guess a lot has been going on and I didn't feel like it. After all, I'm supposed to want to write, it's not supposed to be an obligation, right?

My marriage has been on the rocks for a while. My husband has made a lot of drastic changes to his personality, which feels a lot like a midlife crisis. He would say it was opportunity for self improvement but it kind of all happened overnight and was quite the shock. I didn't cope with it very well, but he didn't handle the situation well either. We've talked about divorce, but for the time being chose to stay together because we do have a functional marriage. Right now it just feels like we're different people and we're not sure where it's going. But we have a house and children together, so we're going to see if we can work it out and recapture the spark. Not always easy after all the damage we've done, but scrapping a 14 year relationship because of growing pains doesn't seem right either.

He's started to see other partners, and while his choices don't always make me the most comfortable (people who are cheating, people connected with his work), he's right that they are his choices and I either trust his judgment or I don't. I'm working on trusting him and trying to manage my own feelings.

It was yesterday that I realized I missed writing in this blog because I didn't have an outlet anymore to talk myself through my feelings. I am aware that I am prone to overthinking, and having a place to write it all out helps.

So, to do a quick update, I am no longer dating John. He started to fall deeper and deeper into depression, to the point where he quit his job and stopped leaving the house. I visited frequently, offered to go with him to the doctor or wherever he needed to go, but he wasn't ready for any of that and ultimately for my own mental health I needed to end the relationship. I felt so miserable and helpless every time I left because I couldn't help him and I cared. I have a husband and family who need me, too, and there was no positivity coming out of the relationship. I still feel guilty about that but I don't think I could make another choice. It took five months before he started going out and looking for a new job and he's only recently secured employment again- he is lucky his sister let him live with her for free. I have chosen not to reengage, though. We are still friends and text occasionally, but I don't want to be in a relationship like that again.

In the meantime, I've met two people on OKC who are very dear to me and I feel lucky to have in my life. I've never actually dated a woman before, but Jennifer is such an awesome person. She's kind and caring and a good listener, and being super sexy and fun to play with is a nice bonus! :) We've been dating for a few months now. It's a different kind of relationship than I'm used to, since it's kind of unique to us. Which is cool- this works for us. But it's nothing like what I expected since we do kink but not overt D/s- she isn't really a sub. But either way, it's fulfilling and a lot of fun, and she manages to keep finding ways to make me feel valued and cared for, and that's fantastic. She lives about 45 min away and is married, and also has other partners.

And then there's Henry, who I am madly, passionately, head-over-heels for. We have some incredible BDSM chemistry and we're exploring a D/s connection as well, which I've found definitely deepens intimacy and increases my emotional attachment to my partner. I've been feeling some wibbles lately which I think is normal given that for the first time in a secondary relationship, I don't feel like something is missing. And in some ways I guess that's a little scary. I'm still working through some of my feelings but I'll share them in a separate post. He lives about 2 hours away and right now doesn't have a car, which sucks. We keep in touch with a lot of texting and phone calls/Skype several nights a week, and get together as often as we can (usually 1-3 times a month).

So that's kind of my capsule summary... it's hard to write when things aren't going well and it becomes a regular ongoing thing. It's easier when it's just the occasional down thing in a happy life, to vent or sort things out. While my marriage is still far from perfect, my secondary relationships make me so happy right now that it generally feels like life is really good.
 
I'm still dealing with the ups and downs of Mark having FWBs. Selfishly, I liked having him all to myself. While in my head I'm okay with sharing him, it's still so easy for me to feel insecure. He doesn't always understand since I've been doing this for years but he forgets sometimes that this is my first time on this side. But I just remind myself to take deep breaths and that I have awesome partners of my own and I get through it.

I saw both my partners last week and it was pretty awesome. I'm still sorting through my pansexuality. Things with Jennifer are different from any of my other relationships have been, and I don't know if that's just because it's the way we click or if it's because she's female, but either way I really like what we have. I feel like she's my best friend, we do kinky stuff together, and I get to fuck her :) That's about as good as it gets! On Friday she came over and we played and then I just wanted to fuck her so much. I think that was the most intense physical desire I've had for her yet and it was fantastic. We only had a little time but it was great :) I'm not sure how to put a label on my feelings for her. She's very important to me and I care about her very much and want to make her happy. Is that love? I don't know. It's different... but good.

I hadn't expected to see Henry but it was such a nice surprise! He borrowed his friend's car so he got here in the early evening. He had to leave by 10 the next morning to return the car, but at least we had the night together. And it was so intense and wonderful. I wish I could save every moment in mind to replay. We did some BDSM, and cuddled on the couch and watched Netflix, before going back upstairs and staying up all night kissing and cuddling and having sex and talking and just connecting in every way we could.

There was one point where I was on his lap with his cock in me and our arms and legs wrapped around each other and he said to me that he didn't think we could be any more entwined than this and it was wonderful. Listening to him tell me that he loves me while we had sex was so intense. And the pillow talk was so good. He really opened up and shared things with me and he confessed that it made him feel weak and vulnerable to tell me. I just held him and listened and afterwards I felt so close to him that he'd share those things with me, and wanted to make love again.

What I love the most is that he doesn't compartmentalize me. He takes me places and introduces me to friends as his girlfriend. I've been invited to his annual Christmas party. He wants me to be part of his life, for real- not just in a BDSM sense. I haven't been with anyone before who made me feel the same way. I mean, I've had relationships that weren't just kink... but never that made me feel so fulfilled and happy and REAL, if that makes sense. I love that we can talk for hours and not run out of things to say.

I love him. I've been around the NRE block before, but this feels like more than that to me.

By the way... I'm interested in thoughts if anyone is reading. If you've read way back at the beginning when I was trying to figure things out about who I am and what I want, I had an unhealthy relationship with a man I called L. He still reads my blog on another site which kind of creeps me out since it's been over two years since we've seen each other, and I noticed his girlfriend had me blocked on Fetlife which was interesting since she supposedly didn't know about me and I changed my name after I broke up with him. Anyway, for some reason I felt driven to message him last week. I'm still not sure why since I don't want to see him or be friends with him and I don't want him back in my life. I guess I just kind of wanted to call him out for following my life. He was mildly condescending and basically said I must have had more of a reason to message him then to ask why he was still reading and I just didn't reply to that. I'm still trying to analyze it in my head. I had read my blog back to the beginning so I was taking a bit of a walk down memory lane. Also, I don't think I'd be who I am today if I hadn't had that relationship. I learned that it's okay to have wants and needs in a secondary relationship. I learned that I don't have to accept something that doesn't make me happy because someone that fits better will come along. I learned it was okay to start exploring my interest in BDSM. And I learned that it was okay just to be me and to want to be accepted for who I am. Those were really valuable lessons. I might have paid for them... but I can't say I wish I'd never met him because of that.
 
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Well, I guess I have lots of catching up to do again. I just haven't felt like writing much because sometimes seeing things in black and white make them much more real. It gives the words a lot of power.

So, I'll try to catch up before I get to my new problems, where I could use some advice.

My husband left me on December 22nd. We had tried counselling, and I'm now seeing our counsellor on my own. She has at least given me some validation by telling me that what happened was about him and not about me (not that we didn't discuss my contributions) but that the change came from inside him and the way he had been treating me wasn't healthy. And as an aside, what kind of man with kids leaves three days before Christmas??

He basically told me that he wanted to be free to explore and pick up women as a single man. He says he regrets having our son and basically expressed that he just wants to go back to his life on the road where he gets to stay in fancy hotels and eat in five star restaurants and have no responsibilities when work is over.

It's been hard picking up the pieces because we've been together for our entire adult lives. We met when we were 18. Not to mention that we have a five year old son who doesn't understand where Daddy went. I don't even know where he is.

After a lot of thought, I realize that what I am mourning isn't specifically him, although there's definitely a lot of that as well. It's more that I thought he was my best friend. The person I could share all my thoughts and dreams with. After reading a really good article (http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011...bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/) it helped me put into perspective that what I'm mourning is the loss of my future. I thought I had it all planned out. I thought I knew what life would bring me, and while it wasn't exactly perfect, it was content. I was happy.

Now, it all went up in a puff of smoke. I almost feel like the man I married is dead, because this person seems so different from the man I thought I knew. I don't know how I could have been so wrong.

I don't like uncertainty, and I definitely don't like not being in control. Although I now have the control to shape my life any way I choose, there are a lot of things that are hanging in the wind right now, and there's nothing I can do about that.

What I miss the most? Probably having a secure home and future for kiddo. Statistics show that children from divorced homes don't do as well and the deficits are lasting. And I think all children deserve to have two parents who love them and want to be with them, and my heart breaks to think that kiddo won't have that.

But at any rate, I'm still trying to cope, but at least the counsellor is helping. She reminded me to reach out for help to the local BDSM community since that's where my social circle is. I hate asking for help since I'm usually the one giving it and it's just so hard to be vulnerable like this.

I am still dating Jennifer and Henry, and those relationships are now the longest standing secondary relationships I've had. I also think they are the healthiest. I've been learning over time, more about myself and what I want, and how to find a compatible partner.

I am really lucky that they have been there for me. I don't know how I'd be coping otherwise. My husband did his best to destroy my self esteem before he left; he told me he was enjoying causing me emotional pain. He told me that I was unloveable, fat, and ugly. I can't even really write it all because those words still hurt too much. I'm lucky to have two partners who do care about me and show me that I'm okay just as myself. That I am loved and valued. I need that validation so desperately right now.

I've been going through various stages of grief, but perhaps it's good that my focus isn't entirely on my divorce. I'm trying so hard not to ruin things with my current partners though and I'll update in the next post because of character limits.
 
As the other side of the coin to having two awesome relationships right now, is that I'm desperately lonely and having a really tough time with that. I know I'm used to being on my own, since my husband travelled a lot, but now it's different since I know he's not coming home. It's like, this is what it's going to be. And since I have a small child, I'm home alone every single night. I have no money for a babysitter and haven't found any local moms to trade babysitting with. I feel very isolated. I've also been depressed and while I'm taking care of kiddo, it's tough to take care of myself. I have been eating a lot of crap and have gained a bunch of weight. My sleep has been badly affected because of stress and I can't take anything for it. So, I'm kind of a wreck, although my general mood has been a little better than it was.

It's been tough for me not to destroy what I have though. I love Henry and what we have together is amazing. I can't even describe how validating it is to have someone show me that I matter; it's been so long. Every time we part and at the end of every phone call, he tells me he loves me, even if there's another person there. He's taken me to meet his chosen family, and he shows me affection in public- he's not afraid to let people know we're involved and that he cares about me. And he is amazing with kiddo, too. He takes the time to teach him stuff (Henry is good at building things) and really talks to him. It just melts my heart.

But I don't know how to be single and poly. I liked having a long term relationship with the security and stability. I miss having someone where I was the first priority. And now things feel unbalanced because when I started dating Henry, I was looking for a secondary relationship. He's single, and I'll be single soon, so now I feel like things are different. I want a primary relationship- that's important to me. I'll also never commit to monogamy. I like being able to explore connections with different people when they arise, whatever way that is going to go.

I am having a hard time not fucking up my relationship with Henry because I remind myself that just because we love each other and we're both single (or I will be anyway) that it doesn't mean that I have to automatically try and make this a primary relationship. And in my heart of hearts, I don't think that a primary relationship would work between us. The differences that are so much fun to explore in a secondary relationship would probably lead to incompatibility in a primary one. I think we want different things out of life. There are enough similarities that I hesitate over this and think that we love each other and maybe it could work but I don't know.

And therein lies the problem; I am well aware that jumping into another serious relationship is a bad, bad idea. It's tough to keep myself together with my existing serious relationship! I am walking wounded and feeling very vulnerable emotionally. It hasn't stopped me from thinking about it and starting to look around on dating sites, though, as much as that twists my mind up because poly or not I don't see how I could start building a primary relationship with someone else without hurting and cutting back on my time with Henry. And I don't want to do that either.

Intellectually, it's very easy to say not to worry about it, and that's a problem for another day, but I am so craving stability and security and not having control over this aspect of my life is really hard. I am enjoying what I have with Henry very much. It brings me so much happiness and I don't want to ruin it. I know we're both committed to our relationship, whatever that means since it's hard to quantify, but he's shown me that this isn't casual for him.

He's shown me he is there for me. The night my husband left, I called him and asked him to come and be here for me. He dropped everything, took time off work, and stayed with me for two weeks while kiddo went to stay with family so I could fall apart a little. No pressure to talk, nothing. He was just there if I started crying randomly or if I wanted to cuddle or just watch some Netflix.

I love him and I have no plans of ending things with him. I want him in my life. I'm just so confused. It's like I take it for what it is when we're together and we have an amazing time together even when we do nothing at all, but when I'm alone, I can't help overthinking it.

I would really appreciate some thoughts and advice.
 
I remember years ago when an ex and I split after 10 years. I'd never lived alone and I had significant caring responsibilities that very much limited what I could do. I also had little support network because I'd let that all go in order to concentrate on the relationship with my ex.

I was scared, sad and lonely. I wanted a new relationship more than anything - something to replace what I'd lost.

I didn't happen and I'm glad it didn't. I eventually learned that stability in my life comes from me. I can look after myself and I come first to myself. When I look now for stability and safety, I find it inside me.

I re-learned to build a support network, to develop and maintain friendships with a number of groups of people.

I stayed single for about 7 years and had the most amazing time. :D That phase of my life ended when I finished a degree and started to reconnect with some old friends. One of them was Art who I hadn't seen for over a decade. Over time, our resurrected friendship became a romantic relationship and has been for a number of years now. Had Art and I not shared a history, I suspect that I would not have gotten into a relationship with him.

You're having a tough time just now. It'll pass. Take time to grieve. Do what you need to in order to cope and look after your son. Try not to worry if you eat too much and put on weight - it'll go when you feel better.

IP
 
I'm sorry you're struggling. It's been a year since my divorce and I can still relate to a lot of what you're feeling. I still sometimes miss my ex. And, I'm still grieving the loss of who we were as a couple, and what I thought our future would look like. It's a process. As much as I'd like to rush it and get to the 'other side' of my grief, in the end, I know allowing myself ample time to grieve will make me healthier and stronger.

I am in a new relationship (also of a year but unrelated to the divorce.) I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met Blue, but here we are, very committed to one another. I'm also still grieving (to a lesser extent) the end of a six month relationship Blue & I shared with Snow. That grief is magnified by the unresolved grief from my marriage.

What's working for me is to take ample time for me, in whatever form that takes... a hot bath, a good book, time to cry, etc. It means being patient with myself and reminding myself that this is just a temporary season, it will pass. In the beginning, my happiness/NRE with Blue made me feel really guilty and disloyal to my ex. As time passed, that switched, and I felt guilty/disloyal/like I didn't love Blue enough because I was still grieving the loss of my marriage. Now, I just give myself permission to feel whatever I'm feeling period. I've put the focus back on me and have stopped trying to control my feelings. That's helped tremendously.

I'm new to poly...since dating Blue, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think just letting your relationship with Henry unfold in whatever way it will, without assigning labels or trying to map it out, makes sense for where you are now. Be gentle on yourself.
 
Hi Vicki82,

Mostly I would just echo what InfinitePossibility and PinkPig said ... Staying single isn't a happy thought right now but try to do it anyway; build up some confidence and pride in being able to get through life independently. Then, if/when someone becomes a primary in your life, you'll already have a strong personal base to work from which is actually good for relationships.

You could share with Henry some of your feelings about wanting a primary partner if you can do so in a way that doesn't pressure him to become that partner with you right now. Perhaps you and he could agree to lay aside the "secondary" labels you've gave each other in the past and just look at each other as two people who love each other and support each other and are going to see what the future holds.

I'm terribly sorry that your husband left you. I'm sure we'll never really understand why he did it, and I don't even know if you'll ever hear from him again. Give yourself some time to work through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance if I remember right); sometimes you have to take a step back and go through a certain stage or two more than once.

Try to exercise patience and be as proactive as you can about sowing seeds of a happy future into your life and your son's life. Things will crop up to help you that you couldn't have forseen, but it will probably be a slow process.

Just some thoughts and I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the kind words- they are appreciated. I've been having good days and bad, some better and some worse. My doctor put me on antidepressants after I had a pretty high score on a test for depression, when I was in for something else and hesitantly asked for something for stress. I'm feeling pretty foggy and tired, but I wasn't in great shape before so I figure I'll give them a chance. It's only been a week.

I'm still worried about money- my stbxH (soon-to-be-ex-husband) is going out of his way to give me as little as possible while we're waiting to do mediation. Apparently he isn't concerned about me having to put groceries and expenses for our son onto credit cards. Who knows how long it's going to take to resolve that.

I had an interesting awakening this past weekend, though. I'm well aware that I'm a high maintenance person and that I like things just so. My husband had always made me feel like I'm overemotional and that I blow things out of proportion and never cut him any slack. If he did something that wasn't good and it was an accident, he'd never apologize. His philosophy was that he didn't do anything wrong and it was an accident, so why should he say he was sorry? It became almost an ego thing for him. And then I'd get upset at whatever it was that happened, and even if I was just sad/disappointed and not accusatory, he'd get angry at me for not just brushing it off and then I'd get even more upset and the situation would just spiral out of control. His mother was the same way (I remember a discussion when he knocked over a vase of flowers at her house), so I really believed that this was a problem I had. I tried to let it go, but it was hard sometimes. I'd still apologize for accidents because it felt right to me, but I'd never get one in return. And this isn't the stuff he was doing at the end to hurt me, this was all along- a genuine belief.

So, after that lengthy preamble, this weekend I had a situation arise with Henry. Our plan was for him to get up early in the morning and do some repairs to his RC plane and then come back for me, and we were going to meet up with his friends and go flying at a field a little out of town before my train left in the early afternoon.

Well, when I woke up at 12:30, I was frustrated because I knew we wouldn't have time to go and still have me make my train. I know he often loses track of time when he's building his models and figured something like that had happened. I texted him and he told me he'd gotten held up and he'd be home as soon as he could. An hour later, I texted him and told him I'd have to grab a bus in 40 min to get to the train station and would I see him before I left. I was pretty irritated at this point. He told me he'd be right there. When he walked though the door he walked over, put his arms around me and told me he was so sorry, that there was something that had to be done for his work which he'd thought he could do after I left but apparently absolutely had to be done in the morning. He said he was really frustrated and disappointed because he wanted to spend time with me.

And... my irritation just evaporated. I was still disappointed and I told him so, but I said that it happens sometimes. And even then, he held me tighter and said "but why does it have to happen when you're here?" Then he took me out to lunch before kissing me goodbye.

It was like an epiphany. It wasn't just all about me overreacting- it was about his way of handling it. It was totally okay for me to feel whatever negative emotion I was feeling, regardless of whether it was an accident or not, and him responding the way he did was a way of invalidating my feelings. It was almost like a weight that I didn't know existed lifting off my shoulders.

To me, it was never about him being wrong, but he felt like he had to eat crow for no reason when he apologized. And I know this clearly is important to him because part of his new life mantra is never to apologize for anything, as ridiculous as that sounds to me. To me, saying sorry when something goes wrong is just telling your partner that their feelings matter to you. That's how Henry made me feel; validated, loved and cared for, and that I matter to him. It's really amazing how different it was.

At first I had wondered if my reactions were different with Henry because it's a newer relationship versus an established marriage, and if maybe I was more demanding and less tolerant of my stbxH as he claimed even though I really didn't think so. But I was pretty cranky that day. It would have been my tenth wedding anniversary, and my emotions were volatile, and I could feel the usual frustration and irritation boiling up, so I could have seen myself making the same snappy comment I would have made to stbxH. So I feel like it wasn't my reaction that was necessarily different but how Henry handled it.

And I want that; I want a partner who is going to show me that I matter more than what could be considered an ego issue. It was such a little thing but it really was a wakeup call for me. I knew my marriage wasn't the greatest, but I could handle more at home because my secondary relationships were so good. And I thought our son deserved to grow up with a Mommy and Daddy in a stable home. We might not have had much in common anymore, but we were effective partners and co-parents.

But it doesn't matter anymore. It's over and I don't want him back. I just wish I could bury my head in the sand until I'm done healing. This hurts so much.
 
Vicki82 said:
And... my irritation just evaporated.
Click to expand...

That simple apology MATTERS! It took me 20 years and the help of a therapist to make my husband realize that a simple "I'm sorry" is vitally important. I can count on one hand how many times he had actually said to me "I'm sorry". He used to argue that he "explained" what happened, therefore an apology was unnecessary and should have been inferred. It wasn't until the therapist stepped in and backed me up in saying that he was just justifying being and inconsiderate ass (ok, she didn't say it that way...).

Hearing "I'm sorry" can change my mindset almost immediately, so I can listen to the explanation and be much more objective.
 
A simple apology can make a big difference.
 
Thanks. It's really nice to have some positive replies here. It even helps to know someone's listening, to be honest.

Nothing's really happened yet but I feel like I have a lot of irons in the fire in a way that's becoming overwhelming. Recently I've met two men online (who coincidentally both have the same name which is Henry's name too!) and they're both looking for a long term, primary type relationship. They also both enjoy high protocol D/s relationships, which is what I want, and they're submissive.

I feel like I'm not ready to be looking for a relationship like this. I'm lonely as fuck and I know that might make me more likely to rush into something that doesn't work. Also, neither of these guys immediately jumps out at me as OMG perfect. I mean, so far I like them both and I'm enjoying talking to them, which is no small thing! But it's not like I'm head over heels already. But I also know that people aren't dolls that you put on a shelf until you're ready to play with them, and passing up a potential relationship that might make me happy would be stupid.

I'll call Guy #1 Thomas, because his username vaguely makes me think of that. This same name thing is really confusing! Anyway, he seems like a nice enough guy, is articulate and attractive, and is looking for a female led relationship that will lead to marriage and children (children is a requirement for him). We seem to have similar enough kinks, and we're looking for the same relationship style. The two things that make me think he's not necessarily "perfect" (and I don't mean it like that because I am not seeking perfection, I just mean that I'm not having crazy fantasies about getting remarried), are that I'm not sure I want more children myself, and that he's never been in a poly relationship although he says he's open to it. I can see from the questions he asks that he is coming from a very mono perspective and I worry this would be a future problem given that I have no intentions of giving up my other relationships or becoming mono in the future. In terms of kids... I love kids. I am sure if I had another child I'd be thrilled, but I'm pretty happy with the one I have and given my health issues, I know that a new child would definitely be taking time away from the one I have now. Plus, I know how I was the first few years with a little one, and I'll lose most of my connections and my social life because I'll be exhausted with family life. Plus, my favourite BDSM activity is electrical play and you can't do that when you're pregnant. So I'd basically have to walk away from my life for a few years and then see what happens. I am not sure how I feel about that.

I'll call the second guy Nathan, since he resembles a friend of mine from grade school. We've been doing the talking for a few hours every night thing, (Thomas is on vacation in Mexico this week so we haven't talked) and I've enjoyed connecting with him as well. The main issue with him is that he is extremely sexually inexperienced. He's in my age bracket, but he's never even gone down on a woman. Apparently none of his other (not many) partners weren't interested in that. I'm not sure how I feel about it because sex is really important to me. I need a fulfilling and healthy sexual relationship to be happy. I mean, I look back at my posts about John and it clearly bothered me the whole time even though I had my D/s needs met. I can't think about having a primary type relationship with someone if the sex sucks.

Time is WAY too much of a pressure for me just to date everyone and see where it goes. It was much easier to enjoy seeing Henry and Jennifer when I had my primary already and lived with him so he had my attention when he was home. But building a new relationship, or more than one? I can't do it, and I don't really want to. Basically, I want a primary relationship or bust, and I know it doesn't work like that. At least Nathan has been in a poly relationship before so I don't have that worry, although he's never said anything about kids. He did date a woman with multiple young kids before though so at least I assume he'd get along with mine. At any rate, this is just kind of overwhelming.

And it got more so with a conversation I was having with Henry late last night. I mean, I have felt like our relationship has changed lately- that it's no longer in NRE given all that we've been through together with his health and my upcoming divorce. I feel like we've developed some depth together.

So it was 2am (which isn't uncommon for us) but we were both sleepy and talking about how the plans for his upcoming move are getting all fucked up. Without getting too complicated, he and his current roommate have to leave because their landlord is making their lives miserable, so he thought the plan was for the two of them plus his roommate's boyfriend to get a place together. But then the boyfriend was thinking he didn't want to give up his independence, and he and the roommate got into a fight so now everything is up in the air. I commiserated and said I might find out how those things go because I might have to find a roommate to be able to handle staying in my house financially (that had come up before so he knew I'd been considering it).

So then Henry hesitantly asks me if I didn't get my house in the divorce would that change anything. I said probably not, because I know my stbxH doesn't want the house and I want to keep as much consistency as possible for kiddo. Even if I don't get a big enough settlement to buy him out, I can probably remortgage the house for enough to buy out whatever small amount I need because it's gotta be close.

Then he comments something about being sleepy and filters being down which made me feel a little funny. I am still not quite sure what word to use to describe how I felt, really. But at any rate, he says that he had been thinking about moving to my city, and that it hadn't come out before, because filters. I said to him that I thought he loved living in his city because of all his connections and friends and stuff there so I hadn't even mentioned it as a possibility. He said that he does love it there, but that he'd been thinking about it. I said if he wanted to, I was open to discussing it (I didn't mention that I do have some concerns and reservations about it all as much as I like the idea in theory). I said I just didn't think it was a conversation to have at 2am. He laughed and said maybe it was, because filters. I guess it made me wonder, what exactly is he thinking that he's not sharing? I know that he's told me before that it's hard for him to communicate his thoughts and feelings, and I think he has been generally doing a good job of it, but maybe that's just because I'm not noticing what he doesn't say. I guess it's tough to notice a negative? I try to be a safe person to connect with generally so that he can share whatever he's thinking with me but who knows.

Oh, and let's not forget the guy (guess I'll call him Chris) who is a friend of mine and stbxH's old roommate from college days, although he and I had been closer friends since then anyway. He's recently left his wife and he's coming over for a visit on Friday and we're planning to get drunk together and despite the fact that nothing had happened between us before, I suspect it will then. I don't mind if that's just a casual thing because I like him and I'm attracted to him. But I worry it could get complicated because I know he's looking to remarry relatively soon. Like me, he likes to be in relationships. But he's also not poly and I don't know that he has the same perspective on a lot of things that I do.

Either way, I guess I'm almost feeling overwhelmed. There's so much going on and so many threads here, and I really can't pursue them all. And holy fuck that's a lot. Next time I think I'm undesirable I'll read this post, although I haven't met either of the new guys in person yet and that's usually a litmus test. But I'm just feeling weird and I'm tired and I don't really know what to do.
 
That is a lot of irons in the fire. Get some rest before making any big decisions.
 
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