Waiting to exhale... poly style

[unusuality]

Hi, all.

First off, I haven't actually started a polyamorous relationship yet. However, that will change in time. I had desires to be with more than one woman. Now, not to sound like "every guy's fantasy"-- I want friendship (emotional and mental), as well as physical connections. I had a female friend who was curious about women. I made her my girlfriend. Later she became my wife.

Some time before the relationship began, I told her I wanted to be with her and another woman, possibly. That never happened due to our lack of time together. During the relationship, when we were new and in love, I made it clear that I wanted to be with her and another woman. I was abruptly shut down. She said I was crazy and no one would want to do that!

Discouraged, I put the feelings aside and chalked it up to a mere fantasy that would never happen. So we went on with our relationship, and not long afterwards, exchanged vows.

Fast forward one year later. I loved my wife, yet I found myself (and she noticed me) eyeing other women, wanting to have new friends, and just be free to be who I was before we were married, and she was cool with "me being me."

Fast forward to one year ago. We decided to work out our problems. I was being a "good husband." I started keeping secrets, doing things to preserve her feelings and to be myself simultaneously. I felt I couldn't be me and keep her happy. In an effort to see what "polyamory" was, I did what anyone with the internet would do, I googled it and found this site! Now with this fuel for the proverbial fire, I'm stuck between wanting to be me, and be her husband. So we talked about this forum. She said, "Not gonna happen."

I tried again, in a deep open convo, and she did think about it. But now, she's definitely not on board. Along with other serious marital problems, I find myself looking at the door. Due to family histories, I'd rather be honest and happy than married and miserable.

So that's my story. Any advice? Thx in advance.

 

[Ariakas]

I tried again in a deep open convo. She did think about it. But now, she's definitely not on board. Along with other serious marital problems, I find myself looking at the door. Due to family histories, I'd rather be honest and happy than married and miserable. So that's my story. Any advice? Thx in advance.

My first piece of advice would be to stabilize your relationship. If there are other problems, you should not open up your relationship. This would be unfair to your wife, your potential partner, and you, in the end.

Having a unicorn to play with together will fix your marriage as well as it will for those parents having kids try to fix their marriage. It just won't work.

Past that, finding a unicorn has its own challenges. You might want to search for the term here. It's a pretty general starting point, but one that usually brings a lot of challenges. There are only so many willing single women for couples.

And btw, not to be a Debbie Downer, but bi-curious women aren't always, in fact, most times are not, bisexual. They are merely curious. Keep that in mind during your hunt. You might be shocked to find your wife suddenly uninterested. And as a flip to that, she may not want to share, and instead have a gf to herself.

Lots of variables, lots of things to consider, but all of it needs the two of you to be good, before you start including others in your life.

 

[redpepper]

Ari has good advice.

I wanted to add that everything takes time. Keep at it. Make poly part of your everyday conversation. Talk about what you learn with her and others and it will become something that develops in your life. I believe everything is possible to manifest, if you keep at it and are patient.

 

[Jodi]

It sounds like you do love your wife. I wouldn't push her too hard. I'm not really sure what to say, except that she needs to feel that she's #1. To her, perhaps the fact that you are so urgent to have another woman to swing with or be poly with, to her feels like a slight, that she's just not enough.

If I were you, I'd focus on her only for a while, shower her with positive reinforcement, tell her how much you do care and love her and why... only if it's sincere, of course. Over time, she may come around, once she feels secure.

Also, this taboo may not be able to be undone. Find out what it is that she finds appalling about this lifestyle. Just listen. Don't debate. Good luck.