Want casual sex but my partner is uncomfortable

[Sharkie]

My partner is fine with the idea of me having partnered sex but is uncomfortable with me having casual sex with anyone. Tbh I'm not an awfully sexual person but I feel sorta restricted knowing that I can't do it just if I were to want to, and there are certain experiences that I haven't had that I want to try (such as group sex).

He doesn't like that he's not comfortable with it but he said he doesn't think he would ever be comfortable with it.

I don't really know what to do, because the freedom to experiment is important to me, but I love my partner and I don't want this to be an issue for us. Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[Ravenscroft]

You can love your b/f, as a person, even if you are not clinging to the illusion of couplehood.

Is exploration of your sexual potential more important than your dyad? If no, then set aside all the "what ifs" as foolish daydreams. If yes, then stop holding him (someone you supposedly love) back from finding someone who'll take that constant uncertainty off his back.

Though "partner" is a really vague term, "casual sex" is far more so. What is it you have in mind?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Sharkie,

I think that not being an "awfully sexual person" is not very much the issue here. The issue is that you want the *freedom* to explore sexually. Your partner is unwilling to give you that freedom, he is only okay with part of it (the partnered kind). You have to decide whether you're willing to give up the other part of it (the casual kind). If you're not willing, then breaking up with your partner is the only option. That or be unhappy for the rest of your life. And maybe you want to "be okay" with not having casual sex with anyone, even if you're "not okay." And maybe you are looking for a way to "fix" your emotions so that you will be okay. But I don't know of any way to do that, I believe emotions arise spontaneously based on their environment. What can you do to change your environment so as to foster the kind of emotions you want to have? I don't know.

I know that's probably a disappointing answer, not what you wanted to hear. I just don't know what to suggest, shy of you already being willing to give up the freedom you seek, because your partner isn't willing to give you that freedom.

I hope the two of you can work something out that is mutually satisfactory.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[anamikanon]

While you are with him, and while he is not agreeable to a specific kind of experience, the only choices you have if you want to pursue it are to convince him or separate from him.

I didn't understand the nature of the freedom you were seeking. If it were about no limitations on your sexual choices as a matter of lifestyle, then it does not seem like you would be happy with him. Not only because of his refusal to allow you to have casual sex, but as the larger picture, him clearly having ideas of what is acceptable and what is not in your sexual life beyond him - which would not be compatible with you choosing without limitations.

However, if it is a matter of experiencing casual sex or group sex or other varied sexual experiences at some point, that point need not be now and perhaps an opportunity to negotiate may arise at some point in future (or at some point when you weren't together). Some kinds of experiences could be less of an issue for him than others, and so on.