wants vs. needs

[whatthehelljusthappened]

A few months ago my wife started hooking up with a girl she met at a festival. She did everything right as far as communication, respect, etc. We had some really nasty fights, but we got through it.

I'm convinced that this is something she needs and that she should have it.

I dont buy the arguments that poly relationship are always an ADD function. When she's gone or texting/calling her girlfriend, that's a SUBTRACT from time/energy that would have gone to me. She is definitely happier now and really loves the way everything is going, but it leaves me with a void.

She's given me more freedom than I need, and I'm not sure I can fill it with someone else's time and energy--but that's what we're going to try, anyway.

I keep coming back to "want vs. need". Sure, I want to stick it in every hot girl I see... I always have. But, I've always seen those feelings as healthy temptations, and the way you deal with healthy temptations is to enjoy the little spark you get from it and dont touch it. I dont "need" an outside relationship, but maybe I've too narrowly defined "need"?

How do you know the difference between managing in a life full of temptation and a true, real need? I've been using the measuring stick of "what would I risk in order to attain it?" to determine whether to do it. Now that my marriage is no longer at risk, what do I use? I'm concerned that the time/energy not connecting with my wife will begin to corrode the foundation without our realizing. I'm concerned that my daughters will find out and hate me. I'm concerned about STDs.

My wife was willing to throw away our marriage for her desires (which is a realization that crushes my sole every time I think about it). I would never do that, so I've never let myself "go there". Now I'm having trouble unpacking the motivations I have for entertaining a girl on the side. Am I doing it to put her through the suffering I went through? Am I trying to fill a hole that she put in me--or maybe one that was always there but I was too conditioned to notice? Am I just having fun sharing something special with the world?

My wife thinks we should just be a married couple where the wife has a girl on the side. If that's what it comes down to, I can live with that. But, I have a door opened that I thought was locked tight the day we became "exclusive". She was very jealous in the beginning and would work herself up to tears thinking about me cheating on her. She never had any reason to fear, but something made me feel good that she was so concerned about keeping us neatly together.

I knew she had relationships with girls in the past, but I thought she could go EITHER way, not decide later she wanted to go BOTH ways. That's why this has felt like whiplash.

Thanks for parsing my stream of consciousness... and thanks in advance for any response you may have. I'm grasping at straws.


-WTHJH?!

 

[assets]

How do you know the difference between managing in a life full of temptation and a true, real need? I've been using the measuring stick of "what would I risk in order to attain it?" to determine whether to do it. Now that my marriage is no longer at risk, what do I use?

This is what really stood out to me in your post. I have never thought in these terms before when it comes to relationships. I try to think in terms of "will I be happy doing this?" "will this cause harm to my existing relationship?" Having the metric of "what would I risk?" is a pretty big ask. I attain plenty of things in life that don't involve me risking other parts of my life. Maybe if you start thinking rather than "what am I risking?" instead "will this improve my life?" It would be easier to wrap your head around it. No one explicitly needs a relationship, we enter them, hopefully, for the mutual benefit of all parties.

 

[whatthehelljusthappened]

This is what really stood out to me in your post. I have never thought in these terms before when it comes to relationships. I try to think in terms of "will I be happy doing this?" "will this cause harm to my existing relationship?" Having the metric of "what would I risk?" is a pretty big ask. I attain plenty of things in life that don't involve me risking other parts of my life. Maybe if you start thinking rather than "what am I risking?" instead "will this improve my life?" It would be easier to wrap your head around it. No one explicitly needs a relationship, we enter them, hopefully, for the mutual benefit of all parties.

Thank you so much for your quick and thoughtful reply! I will think about this. It seems like good advice, but it will take some serious reconfiguration of my thought patterns, for sure.

It seems so simple when you say it that way.

You've challenged me to try to unpack why I think a risk assessment is the right tool to use. Maybe that's where I need to focus rather than "need vs. want".

Thanks for sending me in that new direction!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi WTHJH,

"Want" and "need" are rather squishy terms, open to private interpretation. I think of a want as something that if you don't get it, you'll be disappointed, but you'll be okay. A need is something that if you don't get it, actual damage will result in your heart, mind, or body.

I get the impression you are struggling to accept your wife's polyamorous activities. Love is a very abundant resource, but time and energy are limited ... so, I understand when you say it takes something away from you when she goes out with someone else.

She should not hold you to a double standard. If she can go and date outside the marriage, you can too. She will have to get over her hurt feelings about that. In the meantime, examine your motives carefully. Make sure you're not dating other people just to "get back at her" or "even the playing field." Think of how the person you're dating feels, they don't want to be used like an object.

Those are my initial thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[assets]

I'm glad what I said caused you to think. It's just my very limited experience. I hope it does help you in your relationships.

 

[TR72]

I asked this question as part of one of my threads.
The question I got that helped me define it the best was "A need is something that is a deal breaker."
This makes sense to me.
I see that I have very few needs in regard to my relationships.
Honesty seems to be one of them.
Honesty is related to both being safe and feeling safe inside a relationship.
There are more, some in context to sex but there are others and each is related to personal boundary.
I have been looking deeply at what my boundaries are and if they are socially, religiously, familialy conditioned.
This is tough and takes a lot of attention.
Still doing that work, will be for a while.

 

[clemenC]

needs are associated with our psychological security. Think of the question, what is it in this relationship, or life in general, that I work HARD at? Now let's say it's looking good (for the sake of simplicity). Let's say you work hard to look amazing for your partner(s). Now let's take the opposite, what would happen if you don't look good? You look bad which might lead to rejection. Physical rejection. And so this fictitious person would most likely have physical affection as a high priority with regards to a love language. That feedback is a need.

Obviously, it's not always easy to tease out our needs but generally, if you take someone and say, what is it that they work (historically) so hard for? If its success they fear the opposite. If it's money making they fear loss of resources or having enough. If it's relationships it might be a fear of abandonment they work hard to avoid. If it's health it's fear of sickness. If it's looking good it's fear of looking bad, needs of social validation etc.

An analogy that might make my sentiments easier to convey. Needs are like fetishes. Kinks are like wants. A kink is a thrill, a fetish is a must.

What we do or don't do, communicates what we do or don't want.

What we work for or don't work for (harder for us to do so we work to do it), will communicate what we do or don't need.

Make sense? Hopefully so!