Wasn't expecting this..

A

arkle

New member
Okay, where to start...? My girlfriend and I have been back in a relationship for 6 months after a 2-year break. The first time round, my mindset just wasn't there, but we both have very strong feelings for each other. And after making me jump though hoops, she agreed to give it another try. We are very happy and love to be in each other's company. It's been a dream spring and summer.

Then, out of the blue, she called and asked if it was okay to go out to dinner with a guy she had met during our time apart. I was already aware of him, but due to the circumstances, they just couldn't date. It would have been infidelity under tragic circumstances. He had no idea that she was seeing me when he called her. She told him the situation, but I told her I was 100% okay with it.

The date went fine and we've laughed and made some rather suggestive remarks since. Now I have some issues, but they may not be what most would think.

As this is my first post, I will do it now, in case it doesn't, and I had written a book. lol
 
What is your name?

What is your purpose?

What is your favorite color?
 
First post successful. Yeehaw!

First issue: I've been having feelings of guilt that the timing has been wrong for them, because she is now committed in our relationship, even though I am well aware of an attraction between them. My GF is the one to bring it up (I've been very careful not to in that respect), but also the first to laugh off the thought when I indicated that the possibilities were not closed from my perspective. For him and her it would be a sensual experience that he, at least, could most likely use a this point, given the situation. However, he probably wouldn't want anything overly serious at this point. And for that reason I'm okay with it.

For sure, I've rationalised the what-if's, that it may just not end well for everyone, but it would sure be nice to get some advice. Totally new to this situation.
 
I don't know what hole in BG's psyche that last post came from...:confused:

More relevant questions--

Are you poly?
Is she poly?
Is he poly?

(He, apparently, knows about you, and you know about him... Good start!)

What kind of conversations have you had with your GF about what type of open-relationship model you are participating in? I.e., she had to call and ask if it was "okay" for her to go out to dinner with him. Is this an expectation of yours? Was she just confirming that this was within the confines of the relationship agreements that you have negotiated already?

"Going to dinner" in my world doesn't require permission. "Going to dinner" is not, necessarily a "date" in my rulebook. I go to dinner with lots of people for various reasons, not always romantic. It would be a good idea to sit down with your GF and discuss your expectations and assumptions are.

JaneQ
 
Thank you so much, Jane. No, none of us are poly... yet. lol

GF had mentioned this guy after we got together. Two years on and it's only right to share the news, I guess. I don't want her haunted by the thought of what she missed out on. And he needs someone he can trust without commitment, an FWB, if you like.

Yes, I do want to sit down and talk with GF about it. I just don't want to screw up. From a woman's perspective, what would you want to hear?
 
JaneQSmythe said:
Don't know what hole in BG's psyche that last post came from...:confused:
Click to expand...


Yeah you ARE confused. That particular "hole in BG's psyche" is better known also as "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".


You have to know these things when you're as boring as I am, you know.
 
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Because he isn't likely to be interested in anything serious, you are ok with it? That would give me a long pause, because the bottom line is, opening the door of the heart means opening to the possibility of something serious. I would tell my husband and boyfriend to go to hell if they told me it was ok for me to date someone else on the grounds that it wasn't likely to get serious. If I am considering the option, its already getting serious. I would think about that if I were you.

I posted on FB today, "Don't play with my heart. Play with my clit. It feels better."

What you are suggesting is a casual sex encounter, but with no guarantee that they can keep it casual, and if they don't, it will create problems. I would rather not hear that, as a woman. If my guy isn't ok with me having another serious love, he best not be suggesting I have another sexual relationship.
 
Thanks LovingRadiance, yes my GF pointed out the opening the door to the heart issue and yes its something I'm aware of. That pretty much ended the topic of discussion. Then a few minutes later when we were talking about something totally different, GF suddenly and laughingly blurted out that maybe she should just go over to his place and do the deed! Caught me by surprise and without thinking, I just said "maybee you should". GF then gave me a great big hug and said words to the effect 'no more talk about that now'.

I know it's on her mind. I would love for us to talk it out and the next time the subject gets brought up by her I'm hoping we can have that talk. Would that be a mistake?
 
That depends upon whether or not you are willing to delve into yourself and figure out what you need to do within yourself to accept that she very well could fall madly in love with this guy without having sex with him, anyway, and if you could be ok with her being madly in love with both of you. Can you be OK with it getting serious with him also? Can you truly her heart, not just her pussy?
 
Once again, thankyou LovingRadiance and SusyQ for the straight talk; it has really helped. My motives are possibly wrong in the sense that they could be defensive, in that my thinking was that it would be better for a liaison now, rather than have it hanging over the relationship. I know it may sound strange but I would still like it to happen.. because I know they would if they were both single and there was no one that would get hurt.

I also feel for him because he hasn't had a woman's sensual touch in probably a year.

Am I crazy to relate this to my GF?

The sex, I could handle. The love factor, well, who knows??? I get it that most guys don't think like women and most women don't think like guys. lol

Now that I think about it, that's what GF herself has been trying to say. Window shopping is great, but the purchases can be costly!
 
My husband felt that way, too. He was ok with the sex idea, but not the emotional attachment.

But she can never guarantee you that her heart won't get involved.

There is a lot written on that topic on this forum. I would start reading if I were you, because if you allow for sex, you better be prepared for emotional attachment.

Check out morethantwo.com. I think he has a few articles on that precise topic.
 
Morethantwo is superbly written and gives reasoned and thoughtful insight as to whether or not this path is workable for some and not for others. Once again, LR, thank you so much for the feedback and direction.

I do know that if the topic comes up again, from my perspective there will be the benefit of a greater understanding on the subject and the realities. I think it's sad if one partner cannot not feel secure enough to express their desires with the other. I would want my GF to express hers, and feel comfortable about doing so. This has really helped.
 
So you mentioned something along the lines of you don't know what to say or what she might want to hear? You and she should both be able to sit down and talk about the entire issue completely without being afraid of each other's reaction. You personally should also probably meet with this guy at some point, It's a somewhat unsettling thing to just kind of wonder who the guy your sweetie is meeting up with is like. Meeting the guy, talking to and getting to know him will help you be okay with their potential emotional connection in a bigger way than you might think.

Another big thing to focus on is not focusing on their relationship. A curious "How are you and so-and-so?" here or there is fine, but stop yourself if you find yourself wondering about every interaction they have. If you and she care about each other as you say you do, then focus on your own beautiful relationship, and be happy for her being happy. Take joy in whatever makes her happy (unless it's something particularly damaging to her, that is) and remember that just because he makes her happy doesn't mean you don't make her happy.

On the same note of not focusing on their relationship too much, and this is just a personal rule of mine that I have found helpful, never ever ever ever attempt to quantify love to yourself or anyone else. Don't ask yourself or her if she loves him more than you, or anything of that nature. Try not to allow yourself to wonder that either, because the simple answer is she doesn't know and neither does he, or you, for that matter. Love is nearly impossible to quantify, and if you attempt to quantify it, then you will only get problems out of it. In short, don't focus on how much anybody loves each other. Focus simply on that she loves you and you love her. Focus on the fact that the love exists, not on how much of it there is.

I'm not sure if this helps, or even hits on whatever issue you might be having, but I hope things go well for you, anyway. I kind of got carried away. But you should start with being completely unafraid of each other's reactions.
 
None of you are poly, at least not yet. And he needs a FWB? It sounds like you are at least interested in being poly, but that doesn't mean that they are. It sounds like she wants to take him for a test drive just to try him out. That's 'swinging,' to me, or an 'open relationship,' or maybe even 'cuckold,' but not really poly.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. If you can't talk about this, then how many other things can you or have you not talked about? Do you love her enough to risk losing her? Do you trust her enough to know you won't?
 
Well, we had a really great talk about everything. There were misconceptions about where we were both coming from, and it was wonderful to clear the air. GF was worried that I was somehow in favor of our relationship being 'casual.' I was also able to express my concerns about her feelings (not wanting to stand in the way), and how difficult it must be for her to relate them to me, given the circumstances. Whatever transpires from here, we will be going into it more understanding and with eyes wide open.
 
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