Watching Jealousy Destroy Their Marriage

E

EDMK

New member
My boyfriend's wife has struggled with jealousy since he and I fell in love.

She is afraid that I am better than her in every way and her husband will leave her for me.

This fear has made us very cautious and careful of her feelings. For the past year, we have cared for her, tried to make her feel included and loved every step of the way. We never did anything without her consent.

She has a lover of her own, with whom she shares all of these concerns with - and as such, he has started to treat me (and my husband) like shit. She recently started to treat her husband like shit too - no physical intimacy, she doesn't have an interest in being his friend.

Out of the blue, she threatened to divorce her husband if he ever saw me again (even as a friend). This wanton threat, combined with the rejection she gives him...

Well, its going to make her worst fears come true, he will leave.

Its kind of hard to watch this train wreck, watch her self destruct, watch her destroy all the things she says she wants to keep.

This was self assured destruction though, she created what she feared the most.
 
She stopped speaking to me (out of the blue) and my husband.

We ran into her boyfriend at one of my best friend's houses for a birthday party, he wouldn't even say hello - he saw me, put on his jacket and left.

So not only is she toxic, she has made her boyfriend filled with the same venom as her.

So no, we cannot have a discussion, she treats me like a commodity, not a person: you can't have a conversation with someone who treats you like a pair of boots! Not to mention, if she saw me, I honestly think she would physically attack me.

She told her husband, there would be no discussion, this is what she wants, and he can do it, or get a lawyer.

She has a list of demands: She keeps seeing her boyfriend, while her husband only gets to be with her, because SHE can be the only one he loves.

We are respecting her crazy demand, of not seeing each other, even as friends - but demand all she likes, we will not stop loving each other. She has no control over our feelings.

We're waiting for her to drop the other shoe - now that we have cancelled our plans to see each other, he and I. She demanded this, under the threat of divorce, I am sure the next step is she demand we stop speaking to each other or loving each other.

With each demand she drives her husband further and further away, until he will no longer be there, for her to make demands from.
 
I wonder if the sudden cold shoulder and hostility was caused by some huge misunderstanding or rumor she is believing, for whatever reason. Seems like such a radical shift would be precipitated by some kind of event that affected her in a major way. Is there anyone you all know who would want to undermine things between you and bf and start some mischief?
 
We don't even have the same groups of friends - I don't know anyone who COULD sabotage us, much less would want to.

We're not kids, I'm mid 30's and they're all in their 40's.

She's cold, cruel and manipulative. She has been manipulative the entire time I've known her - but the cold and cruel side has only come out since Christmas.
 
Wow, that sucks. Your boyfriend's wife perhaps has some kind of mental/emotional issue she is dealing with? She's not acting rational at all.
 
Oh, for sure, she has all kinds of serious emotional processing issues.

That is why we tried so hard to be accommodating and understanding of her irrational behaviour up until now.

Everyone who has attempted to encourage her to seek out support or learn tools to help herself has been shut out of her life. She refuses to admit she is at fault in any way. She sees the world as very black and white - but life is always grey.

She is a very controlling person - My boyfriend thought that was marriage - until he met me and saw the relationship I have with my spouse.

She is worried (rightfully so) that exposure to positive forces will make him less likely to suffer the negative forces at home in silence.
 
I am so sorry to hear what started as poly is going to weird places now. :(

making relationships suck

I am seeing some of that here.

She's cold, cruel and manipulative. She has been manipulative the entire time I've known her - but the cold and cruel side has only come out since Christmas
Click to expand...

Does that mean abusive? Cuz it sounds like it could be possibility here.

She sounds wonky. Maybe she also has mental health things? Personality disorder? Some of them include a lot of push-pull behaviors. Mental health things are reasons but not excuses for raining abuses on people. Abuse is abuse. Is he being abused?

Tactics of power and control

If he cannot tell, that link is a tool written for women being abused. But it can apply to guys. A guy could print and highlight what is happening to him. Anyone can have a bad day and do one or two and apologize and stop. But if it is a whole bundle all the time... That is something else.

I get that it is hard to watch the train wreck. In your shoes?

I would stay out of her orbit. Keep you safe. And talk to bf about how to best support him in healthy SAFE leaving since it sounds like that is where he is heading.

It is not just women who fall prey to domestic violence and that whole "if I cannot have you no one can!" crazy.

I hope he has money is his own name. If all is in joint? If she is a joint holder she can just withdraw all and make new account in her own name in attempt to control/block him financially.

Then he has no liquid, immediate money to work with to see lawyer, file papers, deposit on new apartment for just him, food, etc.

Galagirl
 
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Re (from EDMK):
"She refuses to admit she is at fault in any way."
Click to expand...

Well, if she's not willing to accept help, then she can't be helped. I would just consider what GalaGirl said about playing it safe and that. Who knows what this troubled woman is capable of if she completely snaps.
 
Galagirl, you touched on the core of the issue.

She is abusive, in my eyes. Emotionally, financially, it's hard to look at.

She controls all of their assets & business: while he is the sole breadwinner.

She told him that if he doesn't want to be single, homeless & out of a job, that he better never see me again. He has said that he isn't mentally strong enough to fight her right now, for fighting exactly what you described.

He is working on becoming stronger, taking steps to take back some control of his destiny.
 
She owns the business that provides his job? And she makes threats like that?

It is abuse. Encourage him to print and highlight with the "is this abuse?" tool.

Also encourage him to quietly check what his options are. Can friends and family help provide shelter while he rebuilds?

And not be shy about looking at getting out and going to a shelter and into one of the programs to find employment again elsewhere and learn to rebuild. It sounds pretty dire.

Calling to see what local resources he can tap is nothing shameful... If nothing else call for info abuse counseling there. They truly have seen it all.

He does not have to DO anything right now about it. Could only call around to see what is out there, who is willing. That could be a little healing. Knowing stuff is out there.

The tricky thing about abuse is that sometimes the person has to physically leave before they can get stronger emotionally and mentally. :(

The speak out loud website has tips for friends and family of the victim as they go through the stages of preparing to leave. The stages articles are in the middle of this link

http://speakoutloud.net/articles

That might help YOU some. If he is willing to read, that might help him to. There's also an area for men.

http://speakoutloud.net/men

Past that I am at a loss. I think this goes beyond internet people help. He needs some pros at some point.

I am sorry. :(

I do hope he can be safe and get away from this safely.

Galagirl
 
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They own everything jointly, but she manages everything, controls all of their bank accounts.

If he can get away from her, untangle himself even a little, my husband & I are willing to help with all fiscal, living arrangement issues until he can begin work again.

He has the support, he just needs to screw up the courage to take the first step. He's got people to catch him.
 
If the accounts are joint, he can walk in the bank and take out half so he has some money to work with. The rest of it can be sorted out in mediation/thru courts. She will not be happy discovering it, but it CAN happen.

His WILLINGNESS to do that? Well, that's a whole another thing. It depends on what stage he is in.

Reading those stages together might help you guys talk to each other. Expect him to ping pong around. Like...

  • Today I am at a 3... maybe 4.
  • Today I am at a 2. Maybe 3.

IME observing abused friends, it is not a linear progression.

I think he might need professional care to help him advance in the stages. That is the one thing I did with my friends -- safe couch to crash on, and keep encouraging professional care, cuz I am not a professional.

The plus in today's technology -- if he has a safe place to go she cannot see him on computer, and you are willing to help with money, he can get online counseling if seeing a local person is not possible.

Galagirl
 
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nycindie said:
I wonder if the sudden cold shoulder and hostility was caused by some huge misunderstanding or rumor she is believing, for whatever reason. Seems like such a radical shift would be precipitated by some kind of event that affected her in a major way. Is there anyone you all know who would want to undermine things between you and bf and start some mischief?
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, I went through the same experience and there was no huge misunderstanding or rumor. Sometimes, people just...show their true colors.

I guess I can offer a couple of explanations for what happened in MY crazy ex-metamour's case, but not sure it's accurate:

1) Kids. She was never the same post-kids and we suspect she suffered from postpartum depression, combined with financial stress at the time. My partner also never recognized it at the time, being so overwhelmed himself with work and finances that he never saw she needed help until it was too late.

2) Boyfriend. We also suspect he was feeding her worries and insecurities in order to, successfully, get her to leave him.

Again, I am only speculating here, so please don't take this too seriously. But perhaps both might have factored into her behavior?
 
I believe her boyfriend is a BIG part of the problem.

Right now, he lives in their home 5/7 days per week, while her husband (my boyfriend) is away at work.

He has no resources of his own to speak of, other than a really lovely pet dog. No home (rents a basement suite) no vehicle (uses public transit).

Her boyfriend works, but makes very little money (in comparison to either my boyfriend, husband or myself, who are both very successful at our careers) as a laborer - so he could not have the lifestyle he does WITHOUT her husband's resources.

He wants the status quo to remain as is, so that he can keep living, in luxury, with his girlfriend. If her husband was to leave they would not have the same lifestyle.

If he saw me as a threat to the status quo, and I am sure he does - I could see him trying to remove me from the situation.

I'd never considered that.

Its not kids - they don't have any. She's never wanted any. Childfree at 42.

Although - perhaps this could be it too - she knows my husband and I are trying to conceive. She could be afraid that her husband will also want to have kids.

Funny thing is though - if I got pregnant from her husband, I'd never ask him to leave her, I'd just ask him to help foot the tab for my nanny. Ha!

Regardless of the reason, the sudden head - its been brewing for quite some time. This level of bile doesn't just happen.

Hopefully, with the onset of spring, my boyfriend won't be so scared of what she can do to his life, and see the hope and possibilities that come with renewal of the seasons.

Right now he is very afraid of being destitute. She is also his only family, with no blood relations alive. So she is making him as scared as possible.. threatening financial ruin, and being alone.

Me (and my husband) are being very very supportive, showing him he doesn't have to be afraid - that its ok for him to make decisions for his OWN health. We've also been very clear we want nothing from him, we just want him to be happy and free to make a decision to walk whichever path in life is correct for him.
 
I just want to thank everyone who has replied to me so far, this is a very thoughtful community.
 
Glad we could help! I went through hell with my partner in a very similar situation and am happy to offer you an ear to listen :)
 
I wish (you and) your boyfriend the best. The hardest part about leaving an abusive situation isn't the actual act of leaving -- it's the mental gymnastics required to get one's mind out from under the emotional control of the abuser. Right now your boyfriend is under his wife's emotional control. He needs to get out from under that.
 
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