Weekend visit with all three of us - too much pressure?

A2Poly

A2Poly

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So I'll preface this with saying that I don't feel like we are having a problem, and I think we are moving along at a nice pace. The NRE is wearing off. We are finding patterns that work for us. It feels nice. And stable. And most of the time it even feels easy.

All three of us do really well when Mal and I meet "in the middle" (the city equidistant between our homes). Djinn still worries a bit on the day he comes home that something will "need to change", but now that we know that we are planning on trying some coping mechanisms. He gives her a call, maybe, before he heads home, or I text her that he is on his way... not sure what yet, but now that we know it is a problem it feels like something we can work with/on.

Mal being at my house causes the same issue, so we'll have another chance to work on that "coming home" time next month when he is here. And I'll have another chance to work on getting used to having him here after spending 20+ years living alone. That is, by itself, surprisingly hard!

But now Djinn wants to 'get over' any awkwardness of having me at their house, or rather will all three of us together. I don't feel awkward in their house but I do understand what she means. There is just an 'unresolved' feeling about it. We know we WANT to be ok... but will we be?

We did have a long weekend visit in October, mostly at my request, but it was a busy weekend work wise (I sometimes do support services for her business) and between one thing and another we didn't really have any time to process. And on top of that, we hit some speed bumps while I was there - though no land mines. Mal and I were late back from our overnight at a hotel, and then Djinn's plans got cancelled and we didn't deal with the change well, but both are things where we understand what went wrong and we'll be more careful about them.

So now we are planning a visit to their house on a weekend that doesn't have any work related or other distractions. Djinn tends to speak about it as "getting it over with" (but in the same breath says "because I know you are going to be around for a long time." :) ) And I know that it is because she is in the gap between where she actually is, and where she wants to be... and the fastest way she sees through the gap is just to storm straight through! And I'm the same way, so I get it. Mal is more worried though.

I suggested that we make plans for each dyad to have some time together (one of the benefits of poly IS built in babysitting after all, lol!), and I thought maybe an activity together... but then I second-thought that because they might be awkward being in public all of us together in their city. Maybe we should do something with all of us and The Kids? So it isn't all date-like?

Am I over thinking this? Probably. But I'm also vaguely worried that we will end up sitting in a row on the couch trying to be ok! I really think that we will be FINE, but I also think that if we can plan to make it less "awkward" then the moments that are awkward will be easier to deal with...kwim?
 
Hahaha, you can't *force* something not to be awkward. If it's going to be awkward, it's gonna be awkward. Which is, perhaps, not the worst thing it could be?

If Djinn is your BFF, surely the two of you (with Mal) could think of stuff to talk about? a little light conversation? Heck, heavy conversation, once you get warmed up. Do stuff if you feel like it, don't do stuff if you don't feel like it. "Anyone wanna watch a movie on TV?" "Sure" or "Nah." "Play a table game?" "Sure" or "Nah." "Sit around and talk?" "Sure" or "Nah." "Go for a walk?" etc. etc. you get the idea. And you can plan bigger things like going to a movie if you want.

Don't make the planned weekend rush-rush-rush, plan some activities but give yourselves some time to just do, "whatever."

That's my opinion, anyway.
 
I know we can't force it not be be awkward at all, lol, but some structure is ok too.

Idk. I'm probably feeling out of control with other things, so trying to exert some here. A few small/cheap activities and we'll be fine. Just over thinking like I usually do :D
 
While I do think I was overthinking it when I posted this thread, when I came across this blog post I really connected with it.

Here they are, happy, long term, committed, and the fulcrum still needs to be aware of balance between his two partners, and insuring that his partners have enough time for their dyad too.

http://polytripod.blogspot.ca/2013/04/traveling-while-poly-part-1.html?m=0
 
I think that being a fulcrum is a complex job, much more complex than people would think at first glance.
 
I find being the hinge is super fun at times and very taxing at others. I have tried to initiate that the dyads have dates, but it ends up being the three of us, exept on aniverseries. Perhaps it would be different if we were living together or living close, but right now when all three of us are together, we do mostly "family dates ", be it at home or in a restaurant. I don't find it hard to balance physical contact or attention, I find I naturally give it to both of them, perhaps a little more to the one who I am going to spend the upcoming night with. I can stroke one guy 's arm while putting my feet in the lap of the other. I don't kiss any one of them on the lips in front of the other, thou, or anything overtly sexual. They too can do a certain common flirting with me, but again nothing overtly sexual. It seems to work for us. With kids I imagine it would be pretty similar, exept the adults would need some of the time kid free.
 
My V is actually pretty formal when all three of us are together; we behave more like platonic friends than we do a poly unit. I tell you though, Snowbunny (our lady hinge) is in charge. LOL not in a D/s sense, just that she is the family organizer and both guys look to her for guidance.
 
kdt26417 said:
My V is actually pretty formal when all three of us are together; we behave more like platonic friends than we do a poly unit. I tell you though, Snowbunny (our lady hinge) is in charge. LOL not in a D/s sense, just that she is the family organizer and both guys look to her for guidance.
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That sounds a lot like our V, exept there will be some sensual (not sexual) display of emotions. I am the family organizer too.
 
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