well it's official...but now what?

CranberryStardust said:
Done with poly.
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Sorry you feel used and hurt.

"Poly" is not only unicorn hunters and 3way sex triads. Polyamory is about loving more than one person romantically. Doing a triad or quad is the hardest way to do poly. Most people just date others that aren't couples. I mean, they might date a partnered poly guy, but not his primary partner, as well.

For example:

I've got a primary gf, Pixi. I date guys, looking for a bf. (Well, I'm taking a break for now, but anyway...)

Pixi has a bf, Manuel, and he has a primary gf, LC. Pixi does not "play" with LC.

Pixi and I live together (part time for now). Manuel lives with his primary, LC, full time.

I'm acquainted with Manuel and LC, but we are not lovers.
 
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peabean said:
...I think one thing that throws many couples for a loop when trying to form a triad is that their relationship will need to change too. If you want something long term with a third person, all relationships must evolve, including the original relationship.
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I agree with peabean, having been one of those people trying to fit in with an established couple. In our case, it wasn't a triad per se. He was the hinge. He and I were heterosexual and she was bi. She and I were friends, but nothing more.

I had never heard of polyamory prior to meeting him. As I look back, I realize that I was the one doing most of the changing and adapting to the situation. I tried to be flexible, because they were raising her 8-year old son, and someone's childhood shouldn't be put on hold for adult relationships.

Now I can clearly see, however, that they did very little to change their relationship dynamic to try and accommodate me and my wants/needs. As long as I was willing/able to go along and fit in with their plans, their home, their friends and family, I was welcome to join them.

I joined them in their extended family events, and couples events. He and I would take her son along with us to do things when she had to work. I even watched her son one day when they both had to work.

But I wasn't included in the decision-making process prior to any plans being made. When I brought this to their attention, all of a sudden I was being too needy and jealous... and our relationship wasn't "fun" anymore (according to them).

I left the relationship, and I honestly don't think I was missed much at all. I would be very hesitant to try another poly relationship. It's too much work from where I stand.
 
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dragonflysky said:
I would be very hesitant to try another poly relationship. It's too much work from where I stand.
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But not all poly relationships are a "couple plus one." The good thing about poly is that you really can create what you want in relationships, and in a myriad number of possible configurations. The biggest mistake I keep seeing is when people go along with what others want, against their own wants, needs, desires, and especially against their own better judgment.
 
nycindie said:
The biggest mistake I keep seeing is when people go along with what others want, against their own wants, needs, desires, and especially against their own better judgment.
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Yes, and this applies to any relationship, poly or not. I have never been into swinging and would absolutely not get involved in that scene. I just know it's not what I want, and that's okay.

It's not polyamory that's the issue; it's the people involved and how they're treating you. Although, to be honest, polyamory does add another layer of problems, for many people. With mono relationships, you can be open (especially if you're straight) and not worry about people's reactions. It's a model that people can copy. There's a road map. Unlike polyamory, which means that often people first come into poly/open relationships via another person, and can think that the version they're practicing it the only one. It can be more complicated in terms of scheduling.

But, there are some upsides-- not having to squash feelings/desires, less guilt, more love and sex, more communication and honesty.

I've gone through periods of being with just my partner when I've been feeling overwhelmed with other things, but it didn't mean I suddenly became monogamous.
 
Sorry, but I think it's sad that you blame poly for this. You were given great advice on here. But you refused to tell them where you stood, and what you were feeling. They're not mind readers!! You have to express yourself, not just here on the forum, but to the people involved. It's actually kind of arrogant of you to just blow them off without explaining to them what you needed and seeing where it went from there. At this point, it's not their fault that it didn't work out, but yours, for not being honest with them.

I would venture to say that you weren't really all that into this in the first place, and your complaints just make a useful excuse to put the blame on them, instead of looking at yourself and your lack of action and communication.

You've got a lot to figure out about yourself before you get into any other relationships (mono or poly). If you can't communicate, it's not going to matter who you're with, it's going to fail.
 
I'm not going to open myself up further and make myself vulnerable to people who quite obviously don't care. I'm not stupid or a glutton for punishment and rejection. I already feel like enough of a fool without drawing attention to all of my needs and concerns.

I don't blame polyamory, but I do blame them. I'm not angry. It was kind of silly for me to be so optimistic in the first place. It wasn't a good idea. But I took their invitation for what I wanted it to be, and forgot how different this scenario is from what the norm has been in my life. I should have been more guarded.

I appreciate all of the valuable advice I got here. It helped me work through my confusion. I am very, very new at this and naturally had some questions, to which I got answers.

These people are decent, but we just weren't on the same page. And I do feel like they took advantage of my inexperience a little. They didn't want a girlfriend. They wanted a sex toy. I had no problem with that, until they misled me. Then my feelings were hurt and yeah, my walls went up.

I won't be trying it again anytime soon, but that's just what I think is best.
 
So, after going over there, talking, and seeing their true colors, did you then break it off?

I'm very sorry this didn't work out for you. I'm sure it will be valuable as a learning experience, after you have a little distance from the disappointment you're feeling right now. If a polyamorous situation presents itself to you again, now you know how important communication is and to ask as many explicit, hard questions you can think of before getting involved.

All the best to you for future relationships! There's still a lot to be learned about communication and relationships in general on this board, so I hope you won't be a total stranger.
 
So, you haven't told them why you are disappointed, upset, etc.? It might be a good idea to let them know, for both your sake (it feels good to stand up for yourself) and theirs (so they know where they went wrong). Just letting it fizzle out is an option, but no one really learns from that.
 
I don't feel a need to have a conversation about it. I am at peace with it. And I don't think this is really going to affect them like that. They will be on to the next one.

I mentioned before that Jen ignores my attempts to talk about anything serious, or really anything not about sex, and that's another reason I'm just letting it go. It makes me feel silly and insignificant.

I guess I also feel like since they have each other, and they are primaries, their most important relationship is still intact. They will be fine and it won't be a loss. I am the loner here.
 
Well, CS, good luck with moving on. Live and learn!
 
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