Well it's over

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jetta9502

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Well, it looks like it's over. :( I'm feeling mad and sad at the same time. She says she needs time. How long do we wait to give her time? I can't, I can't do it. We need to do what is best for me, my husband, and children. I'm not going to wait around, and then we get back together, and who knows if it happens again? I can't do that.

I haven't been feeling it for a bit, but tried to work it out. So through chat (between him and her, of course) she ended it with us. And honestly, I am okay. Still mad and sad, but okay.

I need someone that is going to love both of us, not just one. Someone that talks to me and communicates with me, doesn't just communicate through him all the time. She says she wants to talk, but she wants to talk one at a time. NO! Because this is what's gonna happen. She is going to talk to him, and then I am never going to get to talk to her. But she says she will not talk to us both together.

I am so pissed. I think it's bullshit. So am I wrong for saying that we should all have this talk together?

Whatever. I am so done with her and all this bullshit. I just want to move on. :(
 
I would start looking at posts tagged unicorn, triad, unicorn hunters, that kind of thing. Sadly, this is not at all uncommon, and part of that is the unrealistic expectations put on the third party. Already in this one post you have shown that this is a situation you view as having failed because of her. That you want someone that will love you both. Equally? All the time? The fact that she wanted to treat you as two individuals was wrong? You want it all a united front? YOU+HIM and her? It doesn't work that way. If you can't be two individuals, then I wouldn't want to date you either.

Start reading up. Figure out how this looks from a third-party point of view. You may not mean to, but you have probably not been fair to the third party at all.
 
Vixtoria took the words out of my mouth.

Good luck with that selfish couple privileged stance.
 
I encourage you to look at my other posts. I see us as individuals. The problem is that we are not equal couples within our triad.

Do you feel it is fair to me that her communication that involves me goes through him? No, I don't think it is fair.

They get to have dates and overnight stays with each other and I barely get any of that. I'm lucky if I get to go out with her, just me and her.

Now these are not the reasons why we broke up. The reason we broke up is because she has a lot of emotional things going on. Instead of communication with us that this is what's going on, she shut down and ultimately broke things off. There was some stuff going on the past couple days, and instead of telling us, "Hey, I need some space," she wouldn't talk to us. That's not okay to me. Poly is about being open and communicating. If she would of said, "Hey, I got a lot of stuff going on in my head right now I need to figure out, and I need some alone time," we would of been like, "Okay, no problem." But she doesn't communicate. Especially with me. He went and talked to her, and she was suppose to come over, and me and her were gonna talk. But it doesn't look like she's coming over, which saddens me, because I really want to talk to her. I don't really know what's gonna happen. But I guess we shall see.
 
jetta9502 said:
I encourage you to look at my other posts. I see us as individuals.
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What other posts? Your post count is 2.

The problem is that we are not equal couples within our triad. Do you feel it is fair to me that her communication that involves me goes through him?
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You allowed that to happen. Did you ever go to her and say, "We need to talk"?

No, I don't think it is fair. They get to have dates and overnight stays with each other and I barely get any of that. I'm lucky if I get to go out with her just me and her.
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Again, did you speak your mind? Or did you sit and pout? You needed to go to your husband and put your foot down and come to an agreeable outcome.

Now these are not the reasons why we broke up. The reason we broke up is because she has a lot of emotional things going on. Instead of communication with us that this is what's going on, she shut down and ultimately broke things off. There was some stuff going on the past couple days, and instead of telling us, "Hey, I need some space," she wouldn't talk to us.
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Maybe she is like me and needs time to process in her own mind what is going on. I can not talk about things until I am sure where I stand, personally. I am also a very private person. I prefer to talk one-on-one with each person involved in the issue. If it is my own problem, then I like to work through it solo. My boyfriend is like me and understands. My husband wants to talk about everything, and there are times I would like to glue his friggin' mouth shut so I can process things my own way. Maybe she doesn't feel safe coming to talk to you all. Who wants to face a tribunal when you are scared or hurting?

That's not okay to me. Poly is about being open and communicating. If she would of said, "Hey, I got a lot of stuff going on in my head right now I need to figure out, and I need some alone time," we would of been like, "Okay, no problem. " But she doesn't communicate, especially with me.
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Maybe she can't stand you, or maybe she didn't want to talk to you yet, or ever.

He went and talked to her, and she was suppose to come over, and me and her were gonna talk. But it doesn't look like she's coming over, which saddens me, because I really want to talk to her. I don't really know what's gonna happen. But I guess we shall see.
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Now why did he go and talk with her? You, yes, you should have went to talk to her solo if you wanted to talk. Seems like you are using your husband as a puppet to filter your messages to her. (Any of us old folks who played the game of Telephone know how that can end.) Or your husband is twisting her story when relaying it to you.
 
Dagferi said:
What other posts? Your post count is 2.
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She has been on here under a different username. My guess is that she either deleted her other account, or just doesn't want a whole lot of 'I told you so's' from people who had been following her story (myself included) whose advice she sought but never listened to.

From the outset, she has been told to let go of expectations, to communicate her needs directly, and be more proactive with her girlfriend, to work on being more secure. She was told that the girlfriend is not that much into her, and perhaps she should seek alternatives.

And as we see by this OP, it is all to no avail. Despite her history on here, she comes back with this typical blame the 'other' attitude of how the 'third' is not living up to the pre-set expectations of having to engage with the couple in exactly the same way, even though the OP communicates almost entirely through her husband when she has trouble with connecting to the girlfriend.

Alas, I doubt she will come back and absorb the multiple failings in her behaviour. The girlfriend might change her mind because she is clearly attached to the husband, but I am sure the OP will try to attach conditions on the girlfriend regarding forcing communication, time and intimacy with her, in an attempt to keep the triad going, despite the fact that this girlfriend clearly does not want her, and the OP just simply doesn't have the confidence to let it go.

Sad, sad, situation. And people wonder why I am always such a hard-ass about unicorn hunting? Foh realz?
 
Yeah, I figured this was a previous poster who was hiding behind a new screen name, or someone who had a prior one. Just wanted to point out it is tough to know which unicorn hunter she is if she doesn't own it. I have an idea who it is, but I do not want to assume.

This whole situation is why quite a few people in the poly community strongly dislike unicorn hunting. We see this over and over. Yet like teenagers who think their parents know nothing, those who have more experience are just seen as mean.
 
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OMG, how DARE this woman have a preference in partners? How DARE she decide how to spend her time and who with? Does she not understand that she alone must put in the work to make sure everything is always equal? That the couple must come first in all things, and if she is upsetting one of them even a bit she will be booted?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop it! I am so tired of established couples constantly blaming their third for a break up, constantly talking about how THEY aren't meeting the needs of the full couple the way they should, THEY aren't communicating the way they should, when it all boils down to the couple not getting what it wants, when it wants, how it wants.

Then the couple goes on their merry way complaining about this third that hurt them and their family so much, and if they could just find a decent third, then it would all be fine! But nothing is wrong with the couple that is pouting because they don't get to play with the new shiny as much as they want and when they want.

This is why established couples like me and my husband end up getting all this passive-aggressive crap from people. I don't blame them, if this is all they see of established couples in poly. So PLEASE PLEASE stop giving the rest of us a bad name by behaving like spoiled children with a toy to share!

P.S. I totally clicked to see your other posts before I posted the first time. There were none. Changing usernames to hide that all you've done is bitch about this third person not being fair to you is not going to make you look better.
 
Eh. You know, I see a lot of couple bashing when it comes to triads. It gets a little overblown now and then. I've seen plenty of supposed unicorns who talk a good talk about triads too, only to have a lasso hidden behind their backs. They aren't so much bisexual as they are, "Hehe, I've never had sex with a woman unless there is a cock in the mix."

Folks, they aren't always little victims being bounced back and forth by a thoughtless couple. They, just like people in other relationships, don't always communicate clearly, even when spoken to directly and respectfully. Sometimes they even *GASP* lie to get their own thoughtless wants met in the moment.
 
I don't have first hand knowledge of the OP's situation

So I can't say,

However it is perfectly reasonable to only be open to people who are willing to spend time all together. In fact all of the practicing "poly" people that I know have fairly close relationships with their partner's lovers.

Where it gets unreasonable is to try and force close friendships, or force sex to happen in threesomes.

I know plenty of married people who are non-monogamous, but do not live separate lives. Because they do some much together, which is of course their choice, because they spend so little time apart, neither of them would ever be able to have a healthy relationship as any sort of a hinge. The only way for that to happen is where the two metamours may not be involved with each other, but because they are always in each other's presence it is necessary they tolerate each other.

There are certainly many ways that the situation could be worked, manipulated by a couple which would very much be abuse, however the mere use of words like "US" does not mean anything.

It doesn't mean they feel entitled to anything, it doesn't mean they abusive or blind to said abuse. Anytime a relationship ends people are going to be hurt, and not talk about their lovers in flattering ways, but that doesn't automatically put married people in a box anywhere but here in the poly unicorn haters club.

The might not ever have their triad, and if they ever do, yes it will likely be much different than what they imagined, but just because a married couple isn't exclusive, doesn't mean the must form no metamour contact vees, or else be labeled as abusive unicorn hunters.

I can understand when it's personal and people get over protective of the friends (and for good reason, I would do the same things for my friends if they were treated in abusive ways) but I think it's mistake to brand all non-monogamous married couples as having flawed viewpoints or that they must be oblivious to their abusive behavior


I tried to PM you Jetta, but you have this site's messages capabilities turned off. I hope it wasn't because you were getting nasty accusatory emails, and if you did, they are only pointing out how easy it is to inadvertently treat the third in ways that are abusive, that you really must be extremely self aware to avoid it. The second you let your guard down and begin looking at the dynamic as US and her, it is damn near inevitable to slip into a dynamic that isn't healthy for the third person in your relationship.

And using language such as "she wouldn't talk to US" is a common language used by people who exhibit the "couples privilege" they are speaking of, which usually leads to a devastated woman being dropped from the couple's lives at the drop of a hat.

What they are saying is that it is much more likely to you'll find other people whom you can date separately.

But there too, fifteen years ago doing that was frowned upon almost as viciously, except they weren't called unicorns hunters and it wasn't the couple who were villianized, it was the unicorn, but back then they called them cowboys and cowgirls.

Sometimes trends are inevitable, and interesting enough, cyclic

Hang in there Jetta, you are obviously hurting. Remember non of you is enjoying these stressful times, be patient with other, and listen to each other, if you honestly have drastically different views, it doesn't matter who is right or wrong or if anyone is being more unreasonable than the other, if how you feel, and everyone here could agree or disagree with you and it wouldn't make things any better.

If you care about each other, you will realize you are hurting each other and see that if you cannot stop yourselves from engaging in that, you need to go your separate ways
 
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Vinccenzo said:
... only to have a lasso hidden behind their backs. They aren't so much bisexual as they are, "I've never had sex with a woman unless there is a cock in the mix."
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In this case, Vinccenzo, even without the knowledge of the original poster's previous username and story, in the original post here, there is more than enough evidence that there is a great deal of entitlement in her attitude. This is not about the few cowboys/girls and all these (apparently) fake bisexuals anyway.

Why is it when a woman says, 'I actually don't fancy the wife' they are 'not really bisexual'? How dare anyone tell someone else what their sexuality is? Bisexuality is expressed in many different ways, and sometimes there just isn't enough chemistry with that one particular person. It doesn't mean they are not 'bi enough' compared to the woman who wants her, who must therefore be 'more bi.' Gah!

And please, can we get newbies to stop advertising themselves as 'very bi.' I swear I want to commit homicide every frickin' time I see it!!!!!!
(Sorry, I just saw it again this morning and feel a little enraged.)
 
Who is the OP? It sounds a lot like the AZTriad's story. How are we supposed to read her other posts if she doesn't want us to know who she is? That does not make sense. :LOL:
 
I just read over those posts

They are both triads that sound as if they aren't working out.

I'm not sure what you mean by this:
BoringGuy said:
Who is the OP? It sounds a lot like the AZTriad's story. How are we supposed to read her other posts if she doesn't want us to know who she is? That does not make sense.
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Are you aware of the personal details? it would certainly make a difference. Both posters sound emotionally distraught. While some replies seem to understand that she would make a better decisions if she weren't so distraught, others sound hell bent on antagonizing the OP with word plays and debate routines such as the old, "Wait a minute, I am confused"-type rhetorical questions, stated for effect, but not for clear communication.

Sort of like the question I quoted in this reply. Was that a rhetorical question?
 
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No, not rhetorical. The OP specifically asked us to read her other posts to fully understand, but there are no other posts under this ID. So not rhetorical, just catching the OP in some sort of game of identity swap.

Also, not antagonizing, fed up. If all your language is about how things aren't fair for you, and talking of another person, triad or not, like they are property, you are going to annoy people!
 
Dirt, it was to point out that you can't say, "Read my other posts" to back up your point, if you are hiding behind a different screen name. 😝
 
I see that now

If the poster if trying to post her story again under another screen name, they are obviously not feeling heard.

To be honest, I often feel that there are many accounts that are created for reasons other then honestly coming here for advice, as if they were trying to prove a point or embarrass another user.

This poster sounded genuine to m. Upset about a real life situation? Yes. But I didn't sense any ulterior motive or underlying meaning.

But I think I am reading too far into it, and all I know is for sure is this is sort of a polarizing topic. You are trying help, and so am I. We just see it from different viewpoints. Perhaps I am viewing it from an outdated reference. It's because I do not know of any couples in intimate, close, healthy relationships that keep their relationships so segregated as what people suggest here.

The poly people I know would call the OP a cowboy/girl, and be treated with equal disdain. I do not not see the problems labelled as unicorn hunting in real life, so I don't understand when on this board it's frowned on to the extent all couples who use one or two catch phrases get dirted for saying "us" to reference themselves in the relationship.

Maybe I am reading the words with malice that is not actually there.
 
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