Well it's over

[northhome]

If you got into a relationship because there was "something missing" or because of some other co-dependent reason, then yes, you are going to have a much rougher time letting go.

This is very sound advice and something poly counsellors often try to identify early on. Adding a new ingredient to an already bad mix is definitely a recipe for disaster.

You'd be surprised how hard it can be to get a couple coming in for counselling to agree to individual sessions. Prying apart the co-dependency can be really tough. Especially when they only want to talk about the third party!

 

[BoringGuy]

This is very sound advice and something poly counsellors often try to identify early on. Adding a new ingredient to an already bad mix is definitely a recipe for disaster.

You'd be surprised how hard it can be to get a couple coming in for counselling to agree to individual sessions. Prying apart the co-dependency can be really tough. Especially when they only want to talk about the third party!

Indeed; but this is something not limited to non-monogamous relationships, i'm sure you realize that.

 

[northhome]

Indeed; but this is something not limited to non-monogamous relationships, i'm sure you realize that.

I have no experience with, and have not studied, counselling in monogamous relationships. I do not therefore have sufficient data to form an informed opinion about this subject. So no, I don't realise it.

In contrast I have researched polyamorous counselling and I do have a considerable data set available to draw conclusions from. So in this area I believe that I am relatively well-informed.

I tend to be cautious when it comes to making statements about things that I have not studied in detail. That is why I often ask people whether their opinions are based on personal and/or anecdotal evidence, or if they have some research to back up their pronouncements. I'm always interested in becoming better informed, but prefer to know the provenance of the data.

 

[BoringGuy]

I have no experience with, and have not studied, counselling in monogamous relationships. I do not therefore have sufficient data to form an informed opinion about this subject. So no, I don't realise it.

In contrast I have researched polyamorous counselling and I do have a considerable data set available to draw conclusions from. So in this area I believe that I am relatively well-informed.

I tend to be cautious when it comes to making statements about things that I have not studied in detail. That is why I often ask people whether their opinions are based on personal and/or anecdotal evidence, or if they have some research to back up their pronouncements. I'm always interested in becoming better informed, but prefer to know the provenance of the data.

I do not believe that someone who says they are an experienced counselor of nonmonogamous relationships can have no understanding of how monogamous relationships function. Did you not study basic psychology, sociology, philosophy, etc. during your training? It's a bit ridiculous to suggest that just because you specialize in nonmonogamy that you are somehow oblivious to the fact that codependency and other dysfunctionalities are pretty much the same beast no matter howmany people are involved. Don't give me crap about "provenance of data". That is just a smoke screen. I think you are being deliberately disingenuous and i do not appreciate it.

The end.

 

[IndieSolo]

I'd never go to a counselor who said they were only familiar with polyamory and couldn't even make a guess at the dynamics of a monogamous relationship. That would tell me they are pretty crappy at understanding human interactions in general. A relationship is a relationship, yo.

 

[Marcus]

I'd never go to a counselor who said they were only familiar with polyamory and couldn't even make a guess at the dynamics of a monogamous relationship. That would tell me they are pretty crappy at understanding human interactions in general. A relationship is a relationship, yo.

How many controlled laboratory experiments are needed to know that monogamous people also make dumb decisions based on codependency? It would be like telling my secrets to a robot "I - Do - Not - Have - Specific - Studies - To - Support - Such - A - Statement..."

 

[Dirtclustit]

I keep asking myself if you are all being serious

That if you read through this thread, and take a second to think about the frame of mind the OP could be writing from, and you honestly are going say that without any firsthand knowledge of the OP's situation, you believe your replies are simply honest opinions without sugar coating, and you believe your message and the words you chose come closer to helping her as opposed to attacking her for being the woman half of a married couple that took on a another woman attempting to for a triad with a bisexual woman?

and if you do believe you are being closer to helpful than you are attacking her due to your past, you seriously believe you aren't possibly employing a little bit of unspoken reasoning to justify your view that you are being more helpful than damaging?

 

[BoringGuy]

Stop it, Dirtcustard. I just read way back from the beginning of the OP's posts and nothing of the sort is happening. It is 5 am and I'm not going to regurgitate it all for you. What you do is search on AZTriad's profile for "Statistics". Then it puts up a thing that says "Show all posts by this user" and "show all threads started by this user". There aren't that many of them. If you do that, you will see IN WRITING that people were sympathetic and offering specific, concrete, constructive advice, and the OP just kept coming back and starting new threads with the SAME QUESTIONS, got the SAME ANSWERS, and when THAT wasn't enough, started a NEW PROFILE and did the SAME THING. It's ALL THERE IN WRITING. So KNOCK IT OFF. Go find another thing upon which to fixate your episode.

That is all.

 

[Dirtclustit]

I did read them

what she had posted as AZtriad and all replies, she did quit posting with that profile name and began to continue with a new one she openly admitted.

She sounded fairly distraught, but normal I would say for a person having relationship problems that were poly-related.

she did get several pages of comments, some of seemed more harsh than I would call unvarnished opinion from strangers on the internet, from my point of view some comments were if nothing else a little antagonizing, or maybe instigating which I thought might draw a reactionary response from the OP as if those were my words and I was in the identical situation it would be hard for me to believe the intention was to help the OP find ways to deal with her poly-related relationship troubles.

Sometimes what I feel I witness, is not what others believe they witnessed, so rather then asking anybody, I am asking those of you who did reply.

Boring Guy,

I take it your view was the opposite, and you are asking me to stop asking for clarity or other peoples' opinions, as it was cut and dry, I was wrong, and in in not so many words I am instigating trouble, maybe like trolling.

in other posts you have actually invited others, maybe specifically me to comment on your advice, that you are a mature adult, in big guy underwear, so I asking a question, and if I hear you correctly you are attempting to order me to stop?

Do you have a problem with me questioning your responses ?

 

[Emm]

Dirtclustit, you've stopped making sense again. Try taking a deep breath and editing your posts before hitting Submit. As it is you're not helping get your point across to anyone.

 

[BoringGuy]

Dirtclustit, you've stopped making sense again. Try taking a deep breath and editing your posts before hitting Submit. As it is you're not helping get your point across to anyone.

in a parallel universe, i'd recommend laying off the meth for a few days; taking a mega-vitamin, and trying to get some sleep. But this is this universe, not a parallel one, so i tried to explain it properly. Alas, to no avail.

 

[Dirtclustit]

sure, you couldn't possibly know what I am saying

It's obvious I am on drugs, Boring Guy doesn't have any problem being rude. He is actually fairly consistent from this profile. So long as all couples will surrender their spouse for "poly" people to date in a completely segregated life, when for years they can pretend that their lover isn't married, so long as I don't have to meet them.

I am not saying your version of poly is wrong, what I am saying is that it really sucks when you accuse couples as having an attitude of "entitlement" because they won't surrender their spouse to singles to someone who wants to fuck the partner, but isn't OK with being respectful or even interacting at all with a person they are very connected with through THEIR SPOUSE unless of course it's all about sex and dating, but nothing serious.

You and handful of others repeatedly attack married people, this woman was told how delusional she is, then antagonize her then act surprised when she reacts after clarifying the details which you ignore.

With nearly every married couple if they are in a triad

but there is no pattern?

I am delusional, and it's from drug use, I am imagining you pretending to be poly pro with top scores for number of posts (all excellent advice BTW) and you are in no way intentionally being a dick and chasing off couples , and your justification is that couples are abusive to these innocent single ladies who shouldn't be in triads, but rather the wife should stay out of her husband's and the gf's life and leave them alone

I am saying your version of poly is wrong I am just asking you to quit being a dick about it.

you are denying it you are doing it, so my request is just drug induced gibberish?

is that what you are saying?

boring guy

 

[Marcus]

I am not saying your version of poly is wrong, what I am saying is that it really sucks when you accuse couples as having an attitude of "entitlement" because they won't surrender their spouse to singles to someone who wants to fuck the partner, but isn't OK with being respectful or even interacting at all with a person they are very connected with through THEIR SPOUSE unless of course it's all about sex and dating, but nothing serious.

Man, I'm really trying to figure out what you are saying here but it's just so jumbled. You've been asked before to PLEASE calm down and proof read your work. If you want to take part in a rational conversation your point needs to be understood - then the other readers can decide if they agree with it or not. As it is I think some of the disagreement with what you are saying stems from the fact that your communication 'style' is complete babble.

Let me make an honest suggestion for you. When I was blogging I found that I had a hard time sticking to my topic. I would have an idea but would end up writing pages of ramble that didn't have a focus. So to solve this problem I would write the thesis of my post at the top (I'd delete it before I posted). So as I was writing and then again as I was proof reading I would reference back to the thesis and ask myself:

1. Am I meandering, can I clean up any of my thought process
2. Is every word relating back to my thesis
3. Is my tone conveying the mood I intended

Then I'd rewrite, because my habit were/are so bad that there is NO WAY I am going to say something constructive without proof reading myself. Often times I'd have my girlfriend proof read it as well, asking her to check that everything is clear and that my tone was congenial. If people disagree with me I want it to be because they have an argument against one of my points - not because they think I'm nuts because I talk in weird little circles.

 

[Marcus]

So to solve this problem I would write the thesis of my post at the top (I'd delete it before I posted).

Sorry, I just realized another critical part of the process:

I would also re-write my thesis statement a bunch of times to make sure it was a focus... not the name of a novel. "Monogamy is Dumb" would be an example of the title of a novel and would in no way help me focus on a blog because it's too general. "Monogamy inherently has one more restriction built in than non-monogomy" is much more succinct . Even that is more like an essay but at least it would help me talk about a single point instead of trying to CRAM the whole of my philosophy into a single post.

I'll stop now. I just thought that there might be a technique issue which is exacerbating the obvious difference in philosophy.

 

[Dirtclustit]

selective hearing?

and the reason you have absolutely no idea what I am referring to doesn't have anything to do with the basic the message of

STOP BEING A HYPOCRITICAL DICK

if that is something you boring guy, Natja cannot refrain from doing, I would appreciate you not acting like a punk about it. I realize your not technically breaking any rules, and so it's ultimately up to me to decide to quit reading here. That you shouldn't have to conform to the request of some new person to not be a dick, or at least if people are going instigate reactions don't be a punk about it when you get exactly what you are shooting for.

And it really isn't that big of a deal anyhow, there are many other boards, hell they are everywhere now, I guess the part that upset me the most, none of you are are not intelligent. I am asking for a favor and because writers don't like typos, instead of just saying NO, it's always some intellectual arm wrestle, some stupid display of belittling. I know there are many angles to look from in any given situation, but all you claim you don't see it, so maybe I am being harsh, but I don't respect people that treat others the way this board treats every single couple that has formed or wants to form a triad.

 

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Mod Note

Alright, it seems that everyone is having some issues actually staying on a civil topic again, and from all appearances, have carried on argueing over the smoking ruins of whatever thread the OP had tried to get support from.

If you're unclear on the reason that the OP is being dogpiled, re-read her first post.

If there is dog piling going on, that is a apparent symptom of bullying. So this thread will be locked for anyone to calm down and rethink how they treat others around here.