we're new here and asking for your insite

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WeWerentHunting

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we're new here and asking for your insight

This is going to be a short start because I'm on my tablet and the battery is going fast. Let's begin by saying the wife and I have found ourselves in a triad and we're cool with that. Our GF has issues that we are trying to help with as much as she will allow. And no, its not about the sex (which we've not had). Wife and GF know each other from highschool and still have feelings for each other and we have been reassured by gf that she is interested in devolping a ltr with us, at her pace. I've been out of work for a month now and just got an apitizing out of state seasonal job offer. I/we feel that, although I've pretty much decided i m not comfortable with taking this job, we should include our gf in the decision making process since I'd be gone for 5 months at this very crutial period in our relationship.
 
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Hi WeWerentHunting,

My opinion may differ from others' -- I know you haven't "been a triad" for long but considering your wife's long history with your girlfriend, well -- I kind of agree with your decision to make your girlfriend a part of the deciding process concerning your job. I know from your intro thread that you're concerned about the times when you'll be away from home.

No worries about "the sex part." As this is a polyamory forum, polyamory may not be *about* sex, but it certainly *entails* sex often enough -- which is just fine. A polyamorous relationship is an intimate and/or romantic relationship.

So, what kind of advice or info do you seek? Do you desire advice? perspective? other people's stories of going through similar things? We're here to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Wewerehunting,

I hadn't realized, from your first post, that your wife's involvement with your GF was more serious and longer-term (sorry, read it as a HS crush kind of thing). That does change my thoughts on the matter a bit, and makes it more reasonable to include her in the decision making.

Given her current issues, have you guys been able to talk her into professional help, though? There's an awful lot going on there that indicates she has issues that may make your lives all fairly difficult if they're not dealt with, and also are probably really unhealthy for her regardless of her relationship with you two. As you already know from your wife's experience, dealing with mental illness can be challenging, and many people with the same mental illnesses react very differently to different stimuli (different therapies, drug therapies, etc.). Is she willing to go?
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi WeWerentHunting,

My opinion may differ from others' -- I know you haven't "been a triad" for long but considering your wife's long history with your girlfriend, well -- I kind of agree with your decision to make your girlfriend a part of the deciding process concerning your job. I know from your intro thread that you're concerned about the times when you'll be away from home.

No worries about "the sex part." As this is a polyamory forum, polyamory may not be *about* sex, but it certainly *entails* sex often enough -- which is just fine. A polyamorous relationship is an intimate and/or romantic relationship.

So, what kind of advice or info do you seek? Do you desire advice? perspective? other people's stories of going through similar things? We're here to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Hubby says - "yes!" to all

I'm quite sure we will be able to voice our feelings better as we figure this out better......
 
Well I don't know if it's any of my business, but FWIW my first thought is for Hubby to go ahead and take that new job -- five months' absence notwithstanding. Remember, your girlfriend has her own pace she wants to go at anyway, plus like GreenAcres said there are a lot of side issues to be worked out. I do think your girlfriend should get some therapy (meds and/or counseling). Besides all that, one's professional life is always important and is tied up into one's personal affairs. So it's something everyone will need to get used to anyway, especially if it's an appetizing job we're talking about.

While Hubby is out of town working, can he skype and keep in touch with you and your girlfriend in that fashion? Can he occasionally fly out to visit you during the five months? I'm just trying to get a feel for the situation here.

I'm of course still not 100% decided about what you will do, and I'll probably think of more suggestions as I hear more about your situation from your end (and as it continues to evolve).

If I remember right you are also concerned that your girlfriend isn't communicating with you as much lately? and, that she's letting her ex stay at her place (in the midst of a custody battle no less)? That's a serious situation, and maybe she's not talking to you as much because she's afraid of what you'll tell her?

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I've all but decided not to take the job. It would be more for the experience than anything else. I've been employed in a dike (bike, sorry had to leave the typo for a laugh) shop for the last five years before the shop closed. It would be a difficult time to leave everyone behind although I'd get to meet some really interesting people and get wonderful training in with little distraction. But its not like it would really have the potential of anything more than a seasonal distraction. But right now no one around here is apparently hiring and I need work a month ago.

I feel that I am the catalyst of change in the gfs life right now and feel obligated to be her pillar as well as K's. Some have said I have the patience of a saint and that anyone is lucky to know me. Ain't bragging if you can back it up. lol

Gf is starting to seek help at our suggestion and I feel that will go well. Once again I feel I need to be here for her and can not see myself leaving at this juncture of our building relationship.
 
Well, I can respect that reasoning.

So, just to put the picture into better focus, your girlfriend actually has two exes: her ex (per se), and her ex-husband. I picked that up from the intro thread but thought I'd reiterate it here.

So that job would have just been a one-time thing? Five months, and then you're done with that company? cause if that's the case, then it's probably not the more-permanent kind of job you probably need.

So what about the lull in communication with your girlfriend? How much contact do you have with her right now?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
We recently left a triad tha lasted almost as long as our 40+ year marriage. Very similar to your situation. My wife and I shared her childhood girlfriend. In our case we were very close and considered each other as family. Then we had sex and liked it. My wife discovered she liked sex with her girlfriend who had previous experience with women.

We gave our girlfriend her own room and she shared our life even after she got married to a guy who was OK with her relationship with us. All we were told was that they had an agreement and she wanted to keep the relationships separate. She got married because my wife and I were the primary partners. She was our girlfriend and wife number two. She was fine with that and always made sure tha my wife was OK with whatever she an I did.

Eventually she wanted a husband to support her and provide her with medical insurance and a safe haven of her own. She took great pains to find someone who did not mind her splitting her time between us. This is the background and description of our triad.

My work sometimes meant relocating out of State. Since our gf was not the primary in our relationship, she was not part of my job related decisions. In fact, she was not part of any decision that affected my marriage and we were not part of her decisions with her husband and son. Everyone in our triad had a primary partner so it worked well for us. There were times when we had to live without her for two years but she would take her vacations to be with us.

We always came back to be with her. In fact we did so 5 times in our relationship. You are not yet in a sexual relationship with your wife's girlfriend and you have not functioned as a triad for long. Imthink it unwise to have your girlfriend affect things that may have a negative affect on your marriage and career. You can ask for advice but the decision should be yours or yours and your wife's.

As I think back, if I had not made the hard decisions I made that separated us from our girlfriend, our lives would not have been as good and proerous as it was. I firmly believe that our longevity was due to making major life decisions to the benefit of our marriage and the same for our girlfriend. She got married when we moved away for a few years so she had someone to be with. Both my wife and girlfriend made decisions that did not jeopardize our marriages. Perhaps that is why we never had a problem with our relationship.

Personally I think that a finding a job is your priority. I found jobs all over the country and spent a third of each year away on business. I felt good about myself because I rose to the top of my profession,something I could not do if I was not willing to be away from home. My wife and girlfriend had each other for companionship and sex, so it worked out for us. If I was financially struggling I so not think things would have worked out as good as they did. Good luck.
 
I don't think anyone should ever base their reason for saying yes or no to a job on a relationship. That goes in monogamous relationships, too. When my husband wanted to know if I would relocate if his employer sent him to a better opportunity elsewhere, I told him no, but we could travel back and forth for the duration of a post in another city. He knew it was his decision, that I also knew what I wanted (because I had career goals too) and I could live with whatever situation life handed us. I am sure your new gf will be able to handle life if you are gone for a few months - I doubt she so fragile and helpless that she will fall apart without you. Accepting or not accepting a job should only be based on whether you want it, if it's a good opportunity for you, and will benefit you. Jobs are still hard to come by in this economy - choose wisely.
 
D -

Kevin, the job is seasonal and has no possibilities of advancement since it is at a bicycle shop and not some sort of corporate situation.

Len51, I respect your point of view however, considering your marriage is nearly as old as I am I have to also consider we are of diferent generations which have had different goals and job opportunities. I do not have the resources to travel within Florida for jobs let alone around the country. And unfortunately, without a degree or professional license I'm kind of limited to such travel.

NYCindie, we respect your point of view also but do not share it. We have so far been honest and open with our gf to a fault. She has expressed to us that she's ready to move on and is interested in pursuing our offers to have an all inclusive relationship. I don't want to leave any of my family behind right now, not even gf. Maybe this is an opportunity that I can follow next year since it is in a busy area. At least for 5 months of the year.

Almost forgot, as to our current communication, we have a recognized pattern that when she is unreachable its because either she has her daughter or her ex has decided to come by. That's current kinda ex and not ex husband, father of her child. I sent her a text Saturday after a very stressful Friday and she did respond favorably a few hours later. That was the last we've heard from her. I did send her another text today askingbher to let K know if shed like to hang out later and there's been no response.

That being said she does have pt tomorrow, monday, which is close to our house and she will often times call and come by. Since she doesn't seem to be happy with me right now and knows I'm starting a new job in the morning, perhaps gf will come by and see K.

I'm not holding my breath but am crossing my fingers. This has been the pattern and we hope that doesn't change.

D
 
Sounds stressful -- Do you think her "kinda ex" is spending more time at her place? How will that work if she has an all-inclusive relationship with you guys? Will she be living with you?
 
D -

Gf claims she's done, and we went over and rescued her weds night after she had a blowup with him. She was convincing about wanting it to end and K and I were both biting our lips to keep from saying "right here stupid" everytime she mentioned things that she wanted in her life that we're comfortable sharing with her. As in "a good man," one that treats her with respect, etc.

She is somewhat financially secure and owns her own house and car. She is fully capable of taking care of herself in many ways but is seriously lacking emotionally right now. There have been jokes about them working and me being a kept man but those are only jokes.

Could we maybe someday live together? Yes, but that'd be further down the road. K and I are willing to consider that for sure. And the hopes in a way would be to share a bed always, since gf has a king size bed that is so e!Pty now. She's only 5'2" and maybe 90# and K and 8 are both about 5'8" so I think we'll fit. lol
 
Well if she says she's done, I guess we'll cross our fingers and just hope she has her daughter right now. Do you see yourself ever talking with her in the future about these communication issues?
 
I know I am new to poly, but being a woman who has been emotionally involved with another woman, I think including your gf in your job decision would not only be respectful of her, but it would be a great act of love toward your wife on your part, IMO.

I would explode with happiness to know that she was taken fully into account.
 
D -

Kevin, I seriously doubt that gf has her daughter on a Sunday since the kids were on spring break last week on go back to school today. So that leaves two other possibilities, either the ex was over again (he just keeps coming over and gf let's him in) or she's upset with us for some odd reason or other. Her admitted pattern and way to maintain control is to withdraw when things get uncomfortable. I wonder how shed react if we just showed up at her door unannounced?

Bunnielight, as the love and rockets song went "no new tale to tell." This has been the pattern we've been dealing with. Gf isnupset with "ex" because he ignores her to stay up all night playing on her paid online RPG account as its convenient to him but then ignores her on his days off. He treats her home as a flop house while leaving his dobie bitch behind when he goes to work, leaving behind a wake of stress and destruction. All the while she's ignoring us on days we could spend together and complaining about wanting more in her life and being lonely. "Why do you keep letting him back in?" Gf, "Sometimes I just get so lonely." *CALL US, SILLY* lol, not

D -
 
WWH, are you thinking that you as a couple will save this woman from herself? It sounds like you're imagining a scenario where if she could just fall into your double embrace, she could release her troubles. Right now, all of the upset seems to be pinned on this troublesome ex and she's positioned as a bystander, but you have to know that she's a participant, yes? The way you describe her methods of handling relationships and conflict makes me wonder if you will truly find with her the peaceful triad you imagine. Even if she is free of this ex and his boorish behavior, she is still the person who navigates relationships this way.
 
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White knight syndrome....

Leave the gf alone. She is a grown woman who needs to handle her own shit. Do you really want this much drama in your life? Her ex will be in her life FOREVER because they have a child together. She would be bringing her baggage with her.

BTW if your gf likes her privacy like I do you showing up uninvited to my house would make me extremely angry especially if you were there to "save me".
 
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You could ask her if she'd be willing to call you when her non-husband ex comes knocking, as an alternative to letting him in. It's up to her, though, of course, whether she'd take up on that request.

If this triad is going to work, then sooner or later I think you'll have to negotiate with her for more communication. Could you communicate with her via email? Would she do that? I'm just fishing for possibilities here.
 
kdt26417 said:
You could ask her if she'd be willing to call you when her non-husband ex comes knocking, as an alternative to letting him in. It's up to her, though, of course, whether she'd take up on that request.

If this triad is going to work, then sooner or later I think you'll have to negotiate with her for more communication. Could you communicate with her via email? Would she do that? I'm just fishing for possibilities here.
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This man IS THE FATHER OF HER CHILD for the child's best interest it is best if the gf has a good relationship with her ex.

It is her business if she wants to invite drama into her life not the couple's. It is her home she is inviting him into not theirs.
 
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